[sinking]

Im not sure what im going to say so i put the trigger icon just to be sure. i plan to keep this updated all week. its the first whole week at work again after the IP stay.

Today was hard. i went to sleep yesterday night wondering where i put something extermely important to me. it was not where i thought it was. so from my parents home i went at my flat before work and luckily after a few tries i found it. now i hope i'll never forget where i put it. i also was looking for my belt but only found it tonight. at least after days i was looking for it, i finally found it.

at work it was hard. i kept thinking about being IP, being at my parents, my sui plan, and S-day. i took a pill to relax and it worked a bit but what worked the most was a text from my T. i was going to text her in a little while anyway, but it helped. i kept going on with baby steps. mid morning break, lunch, fixing my printer, work again and middle afternoon break too and finally end of working day. after that, i went to get my meds but my pdoc didnt update it on the computer well enough so they wouldnt give me all the meds i needed. im going to call her tomorrow hoping i'll get the right meds on wed when i go there again. it so stressing having to go there every other day. because they dont trust me. and they do well, but its really stressing to go there after a whole day at work.

i keep feeling so torn, such a turmoil inside, agitated, my mind wont rest. i keep trying to keep going with baby steps. its hard, so hard.
bigger steps include T session on wed, pdoc's last session on fri, my friend's bday, closing the account at the postal office on july 6th and lastly the session with exT on July 11th. after that i'll either be free of attempting or wait until the end of the month to enjoy 2 weeks off from work.

after that i'll have nothing to look forward to. well, there would be a couple of things but if i keep counting them as important i'll never be free of doing it. and at the moment its all i want but i have to find the perfect S-day. i hope it will come soon. for now im just worried about being able to sleep tonight. i actually hate sleeping at my flat. i dont feel safe here. and i ate more than i should have… comfort eating i hate you! i hope tomorrow i'll be able to resist better.

i feel like crying now. i dont know how long i'll be able to keep going. no matter baby or bigger steps. i feel like im sinking. because i am Sinking! please, dont leave me alone. i know im so selfish and dont deserve anyone answering but i CANT answer to others threads. i swear i cant. i cant. im sorry. im sorry. please forgive me. i care about you all but i cant...

[TunedOut]

It sounds like you are really trying! It sounds like some of the people in your life are worried about you. Hopefully, that helps you hold on a while longer.

Earlier today, this song came on the radio. You survived Week 1 --
You are holding on--take it one day at a time.
Wilson Phillips Hold On For One More Day with lyrics

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by TunedOut

It sounds like you are really trying! It sounds like some of the people in your life are worried about you. Hopefully, that helps you hold on a while longer.

Earlier today, this song came on the radio. You survived Week 1 --
You are holding on--take it one day at a time.
Wilson Phillips Hold On For One More Day with lyrics

[Mopey]

(((((((( Sinking... ))))))). Thinking of you. Sorry you're having such a God-awful time.

[sinking]

Thank you all.

the song's lyric hit home. and it almost made me cry. ina good way. thank you for it.

im at lunch break. i gave in and drank some vodka. today is really hard. i texted my T. she answered back but it was too late to stop me. now im listening to some songs and im on the verge of crying but i have to go back to work in a few mins. i need to get the control back and try and do my best. baby steps. but im SO tired.

im also going to call my pdoc to ask her to fix the meds problem. i hope she'll answer and she'll fix it.

more tonight… i just had to "talk" with "someone"...

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by sinking

please, dont leave me alone. i know im so selfish and dont deserve anyone answering but i CANT answer to others threads. i swear i cant. i cant. im sorry. im sorry. please forgive me. i care about you all but i cant...

Oh, the number of times I have felt awful for not being able to respond to other people and their threads. I don't want anyone else to feel that way. You haven't done anything requiring forgiveness -- but if you need to hear it, I forgive you without reservation. We want you to take care of yourself and to not have to suffer so much.

[sinking]

Thank you CepheidVariable, SO MUCH! Yes, i really needed to her those words. Thank you so much they mean a lot to me.

So, as i said, today was hard. the afternoon was a little easier but only because the job was a bit easier. mornings are often the worst part of the day at work.

i got to call my pdoc. she said she would fix the meds problem, i guess i'll see tomorrow if she just said it or if she did it. i dont trust her much with these stuff.

and you know what? on friday , we should have had our last session because she has been moved to another place. she didnt even remember we had a meeting and she said she wasnt available on friday! if i had not called her today she would have been a no-show on friday, on our last session (and i had even asked to leave work a bit earlier to go and see her)! we agreed on meeting on thursday instead and it was ok with me, but what the heck???? maybe changing pdoc will be a good thing after all. i dont know.

tonight coming back home i got another bill to pay but luckily this time it seems the automatic system is working, so i wont have to do anything.

tomorrow will be a looong day. work in the morning, then i'll go to my GP to get the meds they wont give me at the MHC, then session with T, then i'll go get a small plant for pdoc to give her they day after with a short letter i wrote to her. (at this point im not sure she "deserves" it but while in doubt its always better to do/give something more than something less… i guess?) and then i'll go get the meds and dinner at my parents since i'll be there (their home is closer to the MHC than my flat).

now i hope i'll get to relax a bit (the neighbors havent moved in yet and thats a good thing) and i hope i'll get to rest well tonight….

tomorrow… i'll do my best as always… glad the day is almost over but i feel so lonely here…. i did call my parents but its not the same…. no news about P... i dont want to make the first move again… i'll just let it go. another hope gone. now, just hoping tomorrow will be a little easier than today, but i doubt it…

[Mopey]

Sinking, your pdoc sounds a bit flaky. And your meds are VERY VERY important. Shame on her for forgetting your appointment. As you say, with any luck, your next pdoc will be better.

By the way, I've been wondering: what TV series do you watch?

[sinking]

Yes, she was VERY flaky: always late (i often suspected it was done on purpose because she didnt feel like seeing me - not me for me but just as a number, another patient to talk with, while she doesnt like talking, - not with me at least), often forgetting appts or canceling at last time and keeping me in for no more than 5 mins each time… but she would almost always comply with my (meds) requests and said she cared a couple of times and that was enough for me to feel fond of her. not trusting - but a bit fond of her, yes…

im watching a bit of eveything. in general, i love crime/police/lawyer/medical/scifi tv series like: law and order SVU, criminal minds, chicago fire/pd/med, the resident, grey's anatomy, the good doctor and many many others. i also like lighter stuff like the goldbergs, the big bang theory and young sheldon. i prefer it when they make me think and see things from a different point of view. its like living a bit through the characters...

anyone else into tv series???
Thank you Mopey for talking with me.
im going to sleep now. wish a good rest of the day to everyone…

[MickeyCheeky]

Keep fighting, sinking! I'm glad you're going to have a new Pdoc soon Hopefully he/she will be better! I agree your current one doesn't seem to reliable. Still, it's nery sweet of you buying that plan for her and giving her that letter! Keep posting. I always enjoy reading your posts. They make me smile and I can relate to them. You're helping BOTH yourself and other people by making this thread. I hope hearing that helps you a little bit! I don't watch too many TV series at the moment but maybe it'll change in the future. Have you ever watched Twin Peaks? Either way, good nigh and sleep well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your family, sinking! Please stay safe and DO NOT hurt yourself as much as you possibly can! Hang in there! Things CAN and WILL get better sooner or later! THAT'S A PROMISE!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

Oh, the number of times I have felt awful for not being able to respond to other people and their threads. I don't want anyone else to feel that way. You haven't done anything requiring forgiveness -- but if you need to hear it, I forgive you without reservation. We want you to take care of yourself and to not have to suffer so much.

(((((((( Sinking ))))))))

(((((((( CepheidVariable )))))))))

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by sinking

im watching a bit of eveything. in general, i love crime/police/lawyer/medical/scifi tv series like: law and order SVU, criminal minds, chicago fire/pd/med, the resident, grey's anatomy, the good doctor and many many others. i also like lighter stuff like the goldbergs, the big bang theory and young sheldon. i prefer it when they make me think and see things from a different point of view. its like living a bit through the characters...

anyone else into tv series???

I love sci-fi. Just finished watching The Orville (waiting for next season--so funny), am currently watching Firefly. Not that long ago, watched the tv series called Dark Matter--loved it.

[Mopey]

I’m a huge fan of SVU. Been watching it for years!

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by TunedOut

I love sci-fi. Just finished watching The Orville (waiting for next season--so funny), am currently watching Firefly. Not that long ago, watched the tv series called Dark Matter--loved it.

I haven't watched much TV in years, but I did watch Dark Matter -- which despite the name wasn't very dark. Even with the situations, it was more light (campy sometimes) adventure with humor. That's what I needed, not serious stuff. That, and I've also always been a sci-fi fan too.

Originally Posted by sinking

i also like lighter stuff like the goldbergs, the big bang theory and young sheldon.

When I was really depressed about my life, I found sitcoms often upsetting. So I never got around to watching the Big Bang Theory until last year. I watched an episode a night until I saw all twelve years ending about two weeks after the series finale -- so good timing.

[unaluna]

The goldbergs feels like a hidden gem, doesnt it? My tv antenna didnt pick up ABC until recently, so i didnt see it until reruns, but it is such a sweet show, but with a slight twist. And i do love George - blanking on his last name now, who plays the grampa.

[sinking]

Thank you everyone for joining in and sharing!

Today was really hard, more than the previous days. i feel like my brain is bleeding and im only putting a few band aids on it (through pills and alcohol) but they solve nothing. they just make the day a bit more bearable.

as i said yesterday, i kept the schedule i had fixed: went to work and then got other meds from my GP, thank god i have that option! i immediately took 2 of them and i started feeling better. i deserved them! my T said those pills reach the same receptors of alcohol, and in fact i was feeling a bit drunk, but in such a positive way! she also commented on my losing weight and im happy she seems concerned. im not really ana, but i surely have an ED.

then session with T: i summed up what has happened since i got out of the IP: afraid of leaving but doing it to fix my last will box, and using the meeting with P to show i have something to look forward to and im not as desperate as i seemed.

talked a bit about jealousy with my brother (mom always tells me to text him if he's having a hard time but apparently she doesnt do the same with him when I am having a hard time). my brother came to visit me 5 mins and i appreciated it because i started from him but im a bit upset my mom has double standards.

then we did talk about the meeting with P (how i used it to get out of IP) and she seemed to feel positive about it while at the moment i feel almost indifferent. i wont be the one to suggest another meeting. if it comes from him thats ok, but im tired of always having to do the first move.

and i hate that it has been another person to give me the strength to get out of there (IP). i should have done it for me but i did it for a little bit of hope that someone else gave me. i then was even afraid i was doing the push/pull with him and self sabotage the meeting but as i already posted before, the meeting itself went well. its just that it stays there and there havent been any words suggesting to repeat the lunch or hanging on another day outside of the working place. i dont think i care that much anyway.

then we talked about pdoc leaving. and i told her how i was going to go at the appt on friday and i wouldnt have found her in spite of having fixed an appt.

i also told T how my friend got a new job and now our fridays routine is broken. im afraid of losing this friendship. i dont want to lose her. i hope we'll find a way to keep seeing each other. maybe on another night.

and i told her how going back to work is harder than i thought. she seems to think i would have been better staying IP a little longer. a part of me agrees.

after the session i went get the plant for pdoc and get my meds. i asked them to give me them for 1 more day and they refused. but at least the phone call i made yesterday to my pdoc served the purpose. now i dont know what will happen. i hope i'll find out tomorrow. but it could also be they forget of me and at that point i could even stop going there. im tired of that place and of changing pdoc and not trusting anyone because its a public service and they couldnt care less.

then i went home, took a shower, had dinner and watched my tv series. stayed a bit with cats and mom and then went to sleep. im so much more relaxed at my parents and im not sure why…

tomorrow will be another heavy day with the last session with pdoc. emotionally i mean… i only need to hold on and do my best. it will be hard but it must be done. hoping tomorrow wont be a disaster as today felt like.

[TunedOut]

Sinking,
The longer you go without alcohol, the easier it might get (though you might occassionally miss it when a commercial comes on, etc.) I used to occassionally binge drink and my energy and concentration wasn't as good the next day (and you occassionally feel like crap ). Alcohol is a depressant so stopping could help you eventually feel less depressed--you might even be able to change your username from Sinking to Swimming.

Therapy can be hard in the short run but it may help in the long run. Hang in there!
New Radicals - You Get What You Give Lyrics

[sinking]

I know TunedOut, but alcohol helps so much. actually though, i've bought new old meds (with prescription from my GP) that works with the same receptors of alcohol and thats why when i get them i feel kind of drank but in a much better way. just head lighter and relaxed. im using them everyday at work again. (i had stopped because i didnt want to get addicted to them, but they work SO well).

Today was hard too but a little bit better than yesterday. at work at least. with P, we mentioned having an icecfeam or pizza together soon. im not sure should i wait for him to invite me or should it start from me again??? id like to go tomorrow (since my friend is starting her new job) but he asked me about saturday, so i dont know… we'll see tomorrow i guess.

i had lunch at my parents and then went at the MHC. i have waited for my pdoc for our last session for 45 mins. i was leaving when she came in. i gave her the plant and the letter which she opened and red and i can bet she was moved by something i have written to her. we hugged. i think my words did well to her. and she DID fix the meds issue and will probably fix the other issue which is going to take the meds every 3 days instead of every other day. that would be so much better. its so stressing to go there wait the line just to get a few meds and then having to go back to my flat…

the rest of the day went ok at work with the pills help. tonight im cooking and eating stuff before they go rotten. i updated eveything i had to update on my laptop and finally tomorrow is last working day for this week. i didnt think i would have made it.

Thank you ALL for your support.

[MickeyCheeky]

Good on you, sinking! You're doing REALLY well, trust me when I say that I'm sure it will get better emotionally as well. Hang in there. I'm glad P approached to you again. Hopefully you'll be able to go out together soon. Stay safe and take GREAT care of yourself like you're already WONDERFULLY doing. No doubt AT ALL that your Pdoc was moved by your words - you always write so beautifully in English and it's not even your Native Language! I'm sure you write even BETTER in Italian. Regardless it was a GREAT gift and I feel like that doesn't happen very often to doctors in general. You've been very kind and generous as usual. It is truly in your nature Keep taking care of yourself, my friend! Sending many safe, sweet, gentle and warm hugs to you, your family, P, and ALL the people you love and who love you, sinking, just like YOU ARE, my caring, dear, sweet and WONDERFUL friend!

[sinking]

Thank you Mickey for your continuous support. it means a lot to me.

today was the easiest day of the week. less calls and more easy ones.

im upset because instead of seeing my friend (who just found a job in a restaurant) for dinner im at my parents' home with my brother. i dont like it much where all of us are together, i get tense, irritated and cant wait to run into my room.

good news is that tomorrow i'll meet wth P for dinner, a pizza together. im not sure what im expecting out of this. not much anyway. im just living it day by day with no expectations except enjoying his company for as long as im able to. no plans, no worries, just taking it easy. i think its the best way to proceed. no planning just taking things as they come. spontaneously.

instead its the 2nd day we havent see our black cat. i hope that hearing my voice tonight will make her come out. im a bit worried about her, she is so unpredictable. the other one instead is always so sweet and human, he never makes me worry.

now just trying to enjoy dinner and my (safe) room.
have a nice weekend you all. hugs

[Mopey]

Wishing you a good weekend, Sinking. Hope things go well with P.

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by sinking

have a nice weekend you all. hugs

Thank you. Hope your weekend is nice too.

[sinking]

Thank you. today was a nice long day in bed (sleeping, resting, watching tv, talking with mom) up until about 5.30pm. then i went to get my meds and at P's date.

i was not excited even a little bit. it felt like when i meet up with my usual (girl) friend on fridays.

we walked and chatted, had a pizza, paid separately and i got us an icecream. we kept talking easily and comfortably all the time about anything: past, present and future.

we both admitted to each other we had few short romantic relationship and they all ended peacefully.

an alarm bell started to ring in my ears when he said he is very romantic. what does it mean???
REALLY. WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

on my part, maybe i activated the self sabotage system, saying my last relationship ended because he had his feminine part too developed and my masculine part too developed too. that i dont like it when men are dependent on me and wag their tail around me. was i trying to warn him or scare him away????

also i was in doubt whether or not i should have added i dont like kisses, sex or sleeping together but it seemed too much not required info so i kept it for me. did i do well??? should i have warned him about that too??? so that maybe it ends before it even starts???

when we left i felt a great emptiness in a bad way. i felt like drinking a lot and crying. i had the chance to, but i didnt. i was feeling so empty, but not because i was missing him but maybe because i was missing the idealized P i had in my head. i still wanted to ask him whether or not he had ever really been in love with someone (i doubt i ever did) but we got to the greetings before i could say it out loud.

i did get to tell him i love his smile and it makes great good to me when i see it. he said he loves my eyes. im glad we got to talk about anything and it doesnt seem he was ever married, got kids or anything very important to him happened in a romantic relationship.
he seems very intelligent and i like him a lot but for the way i am, i find it difficult to imagine myself in a romantic relationship with him (or anyone). and i dont want to jeopardize my Plan A.

he seems a lot like my previous bf. i hope im worng about that and i think i did well warning hima bit, but im not sure. i texted him once home to thank him for the night together and yeah, he kissed me good night on the cheeks when we left. (last time *I* did it).

i dont know what to think. i should probably just keep seeing it for what it is, two people who enjoy each other company and see each other every now and then outside the workplace… seems the safest and wisest thing to do. what do you think?

[Mopey]

Sounds as if he likes you, Sinking. Otherwise he would not pursue relationship. My advice, take it one iota at a time. You might let him know (very subtly) how difficult this is for you, if it seems right.

[sinking]

Today was a complete relaxing day. didnt even had to go get my meds. the only thing i did except for lying in bed watching tv, cuddling with my cat and chatting with mom was taking a nice hot shower.

the thought of going to work tomorrow makes me hate life and feel like doing whatever it takes to not go, but i know i'll end up going.

i hate life.