Angry at Myself

I'm having a really bad morning. My inner critic is beating me up pretty badly. I didn't do well in my favorite game and I can't proceed. I spent a lot of money on that game. That game is my life. I have to do well. I've tried twice and I failed. I don't see how I can do it. I feel like a failure. I feel like everything I do is pointless.

Normally the game makes me happy. It's the only thing that gives me joy. Now it's giving me sorrow. I can't cope with it. I have no where else to go. I don't feel like painting or doing music. I tried to soothe myself this morning by talking to family but they didn't have time for me. One sister pretty much ignored me.

I thought if it makes me this unhappy then just quit. But then I am lost without my game. I feel like a very sick individual. There's not much I can do really. I'm housebound. It's not like I can take up rock climbing or anything. I'm trying to be compassionate with myself, but it's really hard.

Maybe I'm just ranting... thanks for listening.

I'm so sorry, Deilla Do you think you may be a little addicted to that game? It's ok to play games to pass the time but we need not to let these things consume us. Are you seeing a therapist right now? If not, may that be an option for you or not? In any case, we're here for you. Don't listen to your inner critic. Challenge those negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Acknowledge ALL of your accomplishments. Write it down if you want. Hopefully that will make you feel a little bit better. Hang in there. I'm so sorry you're not getting enough support IRL. We're here for you though. You can count on us. Keep venting. We're here to listen. THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Deilla, and to ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Love you!

Yes, the game is all consuming at the moment. I was able to talk with a gaming friend and he helped me feel better and he helped me think of a solution, which I tried out. I was finally able to succeed. I feel better. But I don't want this to happen again. I don't want to beat myself up over stuff like this. I have an online T. She is supportive and today she gave me a link to a Ted Talk. It was helpful. I feel stuck. I can't bring myself to shower. I can't take out the trash. I don't want to eat. At least I'm drinking water. My house is a mess. I am feeding my cats. Other than that I'm ignoring them. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Thank you for the support.

Deilla, if you are truly housebound, that of course creates a VERY difficult situation for you. What I understand that to mean is that you are literally unable to get up and walk around, or go out of the house at all. VERY difficult. Is that the case?

It seems to me I've heard of people who volunteer to visit housebound folks, to provide some company and some connection with the outside world. I wonder if something like that might help you to feel less alone? If that is available where you are?

I'm glad you have a caring T at least. I wish you many hugs and support.

I'm sorry @Deilla. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

I’m sorry you went through that and I understand not being able to get things done. I had that kind of day today. I’m here to offer hugs and support. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

I'm unable to walk/stand for more than 3 minutes at a time. I can go to doctor appointments but that is about it. I have everything delivered to me. I don't cook and I barely clean. It's just too hard to get around. I had looked into home visits through my med provider and insurance and nothing ever happened with it. I spend the majority of my day on my computer. Thank you for your support. I appreciate it!

Still not feeling all that well today. I feel bad for getting so angry at myself. Will try to do some journaling today. That usually helps lift my mood. I have things to do around the house, but I don't really have the energy for it today. I will do a few things just so I feel halfway decent about it. If I put it on a To Do List and mark it off, it will make me feel like I accomplished something.

Hi, honey, can I ask what game you are playing? I'm a gamer too!

I read your message and I feel like I am reading my own writing. I can relate to everything you have written on this thread. I too struggle to get around and have everything delivered as best I can. I go out only if I have no other option.

I journal too; it really makes a difference! And I am sorry to hear about your energy problems; I can relate to that also. I have a new doctor( she's a nurse practitioner) and she explained to me how important it is to take my thyroid meds first thing and an hour before I eat or drink anything other than water. I am gobsmacked by the difference!! I have energy and have been able to do some of my house chores! And my brain is working better than it was too.

Is there a chance your thyroid levels might be off?

Thanks for your reply. It's nice to hear that someone else can relate so much. I play Final Fantasy XIV. I love that game. A new release just came out. What game(s) do you play?

I've had my Thyroid checked. I am diabetic. That may have something to do with the energy levels but normally my sugar is good in the morning. It's afternoon now and I have energy now. I think my energy is tied to my mood. The better I feel the more I can move around. I'm glad your medicine helps you so much.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

I was effectively housebound for a number of years due to avoidant personality disorder. Only getting out for absolute essentials and rare occasions. I think I have some idea what you're going through. Life feels so narrow and it's so easy to get upset and demoralized when even that goes poorly.

Would it be possible to get some local group or gathering to meet at your place instead of wherever they currently do (usually church basements and windowless community center rooms)? I dunno ... book club, quilting, other gamers, volunteer groups, etc. A small group on a weekly basis might make a huge difference. Just a thought.

Thanks for the reply. Sounds like you can relate. Having a group over would be difficult. My place is small and I struggle to keep it clean. I am thinking about inviting my mother over for coffee. Just need to straighten up a bit more.

I play a lot of Hidden Object games from BigFish Games and several Playrix games. One I am big on is Township. There are co-ops you can join and can help other players out. It's a build your farm and town type of game. They keep it entertaining with quests and different competitions. I have been playing that for several years now. Most of my co-op friends are on my Facebook account. Some of us have become close friends and one of the ladies posts on Facebook for my sobriety anniversary how proud she is of me. Sure does put a great big smile on my face!

My dearest friends, women I have known for 4 or 5 years and longer I met on a gaming website out of Australia called Bug Cafe. There are three I am very close to and they are also on my Facebook account.

For me, having been almost home bound for so many years, my gaming friends have been lifesavers for me. We talk almost daily and miss one another if we don't. We've shared fun times, lots of laughter and tears. I am grateful for each and everyone of them.

While journaling I discovered why I took this gaming setback so hard and basically unraveled emotionally. About three years ago, I had a job interview of my dreams. It was with Blizzard Entertainment. I hadn't worked in a while because of disability. But I had been keeping up with the technology a bit. Well I struggled during the interview. It was apparent that I had been out of the work force for a while and when faced with a coding test, I couldn't complete the assignment in time. I failed to get the job. But the person who interviewed me gave me a lot of pointers and suggested I take classes. He also encouraged me to try again after a few months. I didn't. I gave up. So now when I fail, I just give up. I end up feeling hopeless and helpless. It's like I'm doomed.

I am aware of it now. So I believe next time I will have a different mind-set. I will view it as an attempt at something and just simply try until I succeed. Mainly I will try not to take it so personally.

@HappyCrafter that's awesome that you have those connections. Over the past few years I've connected with a couple of people. It's nice to be able to chat every day.

Deilla, if you have the time and inclination, I'd be very interested to know a little bit about this game you have been playing. Is it something you do online, in a community?

I've been hearing a lot about people being very involved in gaming in recent years, but never been involved myself. Not sure I ever would be, but I'd still like to know something about it.

And re your painful situation, at least you're willing to grow and learn from your experiences. An awful lot of people aren't.

Wishing you well... (((HUGS)))

It's a massive multi-player online game (MMO). I've been playing it for a few years now. I've played other MMO's like World of Warcraft. I like it because I get to quest and face challenges. I also get to play with other people and make friends. For the most part it is rewarding. It helps me relax, provides hours of entertainment and brings me joy.

Thanks for the hugs! I'm always trying to learn from my experiences. Like right now, I'm reading a book about the "Victim Orientation" and how we can choose the "Creator Orientation" instead. It's pretty amazing stuff!

Thanks for this! Most interesting!