Cyran0 Goes To Hell

i"m so proud of you cryano! you're putting up a good fight!!!!

was it a typo Butterfly? CRYANO? Crayono? (((smiles)))

not meant to offend any party......

That's awesome. I am the Crayola with the big nose.

Half way through the work day and still functioning. Not bad.

Cyran0

lol......of course it was a typo.....sorry c y r a n o!......but you'd make a wonderful crayon.....you color our world here at pc......

what happens to crayons in hell? ((((CyranO))))) ((((ButterflyLady))))) you rock (((smiles)))

crayons in hell melt into a beautiful rainbow.........

i wish i can work in my depression. you know, just stay busy and all. it would be better, in my opinion. it just takes my energy away. leaves me with very little energy - not enough to push myself.....

Cyran0 just curious as to whether you are taking antideppressants.I so feel what you feel ,not all the time but enough to understand how going to work and going through the motions probably is a help at the time even though it is such an unbelievable effort.

Thinking of you

sickntired, I am currently on a low dose of zoloft. I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week though and I anticipate a major med adjustment (my argument that I'm fine doesn't really hold up anymore).

Well, I doped myself up on constant caffeine and nicotine and forced myself into a productive frenzy. I could still feel the hurt but I was busy enough that I ignored it. And no, I can't pull this off without massive amounts of caffeine because as wicked pointed out, it takes a hell of a lot of effort.

The downside is that last night I emotionally crashed at about 11pm. I just sort of physically gave out and the depression and anxiety and hurt and doubt all came flooding back with a vengeance. Once again I wanted to die so once again it was hot showers and sleep.

Today I'm repeating the same pattern. Lots of caffeine and nicotine, lots of activity and external stress and a complete denial of anything I might be feeling. There's a strange sort of madness that goes with this, like you feel yourself ready to snap but that's a risk I'm used to.

Hell, I'm just happy to be getting through the day.

Cyran0

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Today I'm repeating the same pattern. Lots of caffeine and nicotine, lots of activity and external stress and a complete denial of anything I might be feeling. There's a strange sort of madness that goes with this, like you feel yourself ready to snap but that's a risk I'm used to.

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Yes
And unless you have been on that edge of depression, you cannot possibly understand. It's the worse feeling, hope gone, desperate, out of control. Then some frog of little brain meekly utters "hold on"

{{{{{{{{{{{Cyrano}}}}}}}}}}}}} "You" don't take your own life. "You" are mortally wounded, remember? I do believe it's a mighty timber that falls on you... and not depression the culprit.

Cyrano, also did not have his Roxanne. He also did not have three beautiful boys to live for.

This will pass, Cy... hold on till you see your shrink... and be glad that you're not on the west coast with the writer's strike.

(((((CyranO))))))))

Kebs, Sol, thank you. Holding as best I can.

September, well done. It is indeed a giant log.

And as he (or I) said to Roxanne: "Happy who falls, cut off by a hero, with an honest sword through his heart!" I am quoting from myself. Fate will have his laugh at us! Here am I killed, in a trap, from behind, by a lackey with a log! Nothing could be completer! In my whole life I shall have not had anything I wanted. Not even a decent death!

That's, of course, the moment when Roxanne realizes Cyrano is mortally wounded and thus begins my favorite (near) monologue in dramatic history.

Cyran0

"In my whole life I shall have not had anything I wanted."

I say the very same thing when Devil Depression gets hold of me. Depression is the best liar *I* know. Don't listen to it, Cy. Don't.

((((((((cyran)))))

All I can offer is my hand, take it and we can walk this path together, then the burden will be halved .....

love dear friend, Jin xx

Gee, Cyran0, did you envision you'd take so many of us to hell with you? :-) Are we lightening the route for you at all (entrance or exit, either one)?

Do you crash differently with all the caffeine and smokes? The caffeine doesn't work as effectively for me after awhile and I get in worse discombobulation for a couple days while I "reset" on better food/drink/meds and "start over".

I don't know if I crash differently, exactly. It's more like I lose any ability to cope when I crash. Like the caffeine and the effort of maintaining composure has left me without energy to fight.

September, it's true that Cyrano never overcame his nose. His insecurities did rob him of anything he really wanted. But I'm hoping to create more of a Hollywood ending for my version. This would ruin the story of Cyrano but when it's your story, you really do want a happy ending.

I have myself so messed up on caffeine, work, etc. that I can't tell if I'm depressed anymore. I think the knife twisting in my back is more like my old friend anxiety. I currently have no plans to slow down and reflect on the feeling so clarification is unlikely.

I can't believe how many people have been posting here, sending me messages, etc. I don't think I'd be doing as well as I am without you.

Thank you.

Cyran0

Cyrano, I have faith in you! You will not only create your own Hollywood ending but you'll overcome your "nose"... as well as that timber!

I extend a hand up to you anytime you want to reach out and take it.

we love you Cyrano, and you are a wonderful man yourself...never forget that!

hugs, Jinny xxxxx

Checking in on you, Cyran0... How's by you today?

I did pretty well yesterday and now today I'm all angry and bitter and dark and jaded. It's hate day! Woohoo!

So yeah, just cranky I guess.

Thanks for asking.

Cyran0

Thinking of you.

((((((( Cyran0 ))))))))

Cyran0,

First of all you're not foppish like Cyrano. You are strong and funny.

Zoloft!! I had my first ever car accident when I was on Zoloft. I got off it very quickly.

EJ

how ya doin' today Cy? EJ... the only med ive ever taken for depression was Zoloft... few complaints here.... just didnt want to be med reliant anymore... but i know it affects different people differently... just wanted to tell my Zoloft story ..

Hey now! I used to be in love with Cyrano de Bergerac!

But I do think our Cy has him beat all to heck!

(or was it Richard Chamberlain?)