Cyran0 Goes To Hell

Nothing that follows means I'm going to commit suicide so please don't take this as a suicidal post.

Late yesterday I started another downward spiral. I couldn't get myself back and by late last night I was looking through suicide resources. For the first time in a long time, I was scaring myself. The only thing preventing me from doing it was what it would do to my kids. There were no thoughts of saving myself, only saving them from PTSD, abandonment issues, etc.

I called a friend and we talked all night. I am in her debt.

But now today the depression continues. There's nothing but pain. I have nothing to give, nothing I want, nothing matters and there's no hope. My only option is to drag myself through this life, doing what others need me to do, and tolerate the suffering as best I can.

The goal of self hatred seems to be escape from the self and not from the hatred. I feel so cheated to be stuck being me. Why not anyone else? Why am I stuck in this life? I am a self loathing monster. I am pallor personified. I am the condemned man, impatient for the sentence to be carried out. I am...Cyrano. And we all know how that turned out.

I know there's nothing as frustrating or futile as this sort of post but this is my only outlet right now. Maybe I'll find some solace in having shared my despair, maybe not. At the very least, I've kept myself occupied for a few minutes and at times like this, getting through the minutes seems to be my only real goal.

All I can think is: all is lost, all is lost, all is lost.

So be it. Unleash the hounds of hell. And be still my beating heart.

May the anguish consume me.

And may tomorrow be better.

Cyran0

my Pm... said it all....

I hear you Cyran0, I have no words of wisdom. Just a hug from another who suffers.

(((((((( Cyran0 )))))))

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Cyran0 said:
But now today the depression continues. There's nothing but pain. I have nothing to give, nothing I want, nothing matters and there's no hope. My only option is to drag myself through this life, doing what others need me to do, and tolerate the suffering as best I can.

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Depression episodes can be quite long but they're rarely as long as life. You have been depressed before and I imagine, after this episode passes, you might be depressed again. So, you only have to get from here to "there", undepressed or depressed again, however you wish to count it.

You say there's nothing you want but I beg to disagree. You want the pain to end, the depression to let up. I was watching a public television show last night about the plasticity of the brain and how we can help the brain help us:

http://www.sharpbrains.com/blog/2007...lasticity-pbs/

and it was quite fascinating and talked about OCD and stroke, etc. and how it's possible to get our brains to "fix" things that are wrong with it . . .

Drag yourself in a direction you might like to end up in?

Ok, ok, ok.........I'll adopt you.

If you are willing to join me in hell, you can't be all bad.

At least it's warm here.

Cyran0,

PM me anytime, day or night. I will give you my email so we can talk....you are amazing. never forget that. And stronger than you know. I am ALWAYS here for you. i know you dont know me well. but you are a huge source of knowledge and strength. were here for you.

Colleen
(((((((cyran0))))))))

had to reply to this title.....

cyran0 what little time I have spent here at pc..since I have only found it recently...you seem to be one of the most compassionate..thoughtful people I have seen......

so even if you did commit suicide...i dont think you'd go to hell..and if everything you post is true to your heart and God does send you to hell..I insist that he sends me as well !!!!!!!! since I dont want anything to do with a God like that

on another note....it is a common misconception that suicide is a ticket to hell

if the bible is correct as most seem to think.......it says that blasphemy of the holly ghost is the only unforgivable sin..

I may have done this...not sure though since there is only one example of this in the bible...which I've not done

and Jesus had to be present when it happened...so hopefully for me...God has made it impossible for us to do...unless Jesus preforms a miracle with the holy ghost and we say it is by the hands of belsabob.....and not the holy ghost....like the example in the bible

Eddie

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Cyran0))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

BB

(((((cyrano))))) i'm in hell, too.

CyranO gets a hug , and my understanding of your suffering. You are not alone. Hang on, brother. You are stronger than this disease.

Thanks, all of you. I've had a very quiet day, doing low key activities with my kids and just trying to keep myself relatively comfortable. I'm trying hard not to think about all of the things I'm leaving undone by taking this approach. There will be time for me to worry about that later.

Anyone else ever notice that if you sit very still, barely breathing, staring forward to a point a million miles away, you can become kind of numb? It works best if you're wrapped in a blanket. But the spell breaks if you move.

I think now I'm banking on the fact that I tend to cycle very quickly. I'm hoping to be back to a state of anxiety any second now. I handle anxiety better, I think. Or at least, the Cyran0 you all usually see is the anxious Cyran0. Hopefully we'll see him again soon.

I hope so. It's very hard to hang on.

Thanks again for all your support. I know so many of you are going through the same thing and it pains me that I have nothing to offer you at the moment. I feel dull and thick so my advice wouldn't be very insightful anyway.

Goodnight and good luck.

Cyran0

Cy- Take the blanket off. Maybe take the kids outside. Build a snowman with them. I know winter sucks and you don't like it but it's just a suggestion. I'm finding that if I get my butt out of the house I feel better. Not always a permanent fix but what you need is disstraction my friend. I'm glad you have people to support you. It's so important to not be alone. However, we must be our own support at times and figure out our own coping mechanisms.

Instead of thinking about what taking your own life would do to your family , think about what taking the life of this beast called depression would do for you and your family. Ultimately it is our own decision to fight and that's what you have to do right now. All of us here are right behind you. We've got your back man.

Cy, come back up outta there... and bring some fire with you, we need it in Colorado.. too cold here... we're with you bud, just keep climbing UP....

Today seems to be worse. The pain is unbearable. I'm not even responding to this site very well. I seem to be taking things personally. I'm just too raw emotionally.

Thanks for all the support, it means a lot.

Cyran0

well, it does happen, we come here, expose ourself, its a vulnerable place to be, and i think, good that there are forums like Kudos and positivity within the other forums to help deflect some of those raw feelings.. please dont let it get you down too much Cy, keep coming, keep posting... many here admire you and your abilities of self-expression, me included...

its a bit of a thick spot... just keep chipping away at it and keep those goals youve set for yourself in sight... PC can make us feel open to slings and barbs by its very nature, but, its the hopes we have that make it a good overall experience despite the relatively few down times...

If anything I have learned on this site rings true, it is the compassion everyone here has for each other. I care about you as many others do. Believing is seeing, how many people have already posted here, expressing their concern and support for you during these trying times that you face. If you must be numb for a little while, then do so. If crying helps, do so. If yelling to the four winds helps relieve the pain and sadness, by all means do so. And then when you feel the strength returning, return here with us, who care about you, and are holding your hand.

Believe me this frog of little brain does understand your pain. I keep saying it can't get worse but it does. I sure don't have any answers.

It is so very hard to put words/thoughts together. Sort of numb and raw at the same time. How about if I just shed a tear for you. I seem to have plenty to go around.

I certainly hope things become a little less dark and ominous for you real soon.

In spite of yourself, you have a very big, kind heart. For that I thank you.

You all are so nice. I appreciate it so much. And I wish I could cry. I don't cry. I never cry. But I need to. And Kebs, thanks for offering to do it for me.

I feel so desperate. I keep taking showers to feel the warmth. I'm hungry but I can't bring myself to eat anything (don't worry, I'll force myself to at some point).

And I don't feel like I'm thinking clearly. I'm reacting. There's no objectivity. No clarity.

I want the world to be better than it is. I want people to be happy and to treat each other well. I want life to be a bright star and not a black hole. I want there to be beauty without the subtle undercurrent of tragedy that bleeds through the cracks and permeates everything.

I want peace.

Maybe tomorrow.

Cyran0

It is a very rare thing for me to cry too, a learnt response from the child-parts that hide the pain and suffering.

I find PC helpful in actually getting some feelings back again, when those feelings are too intense I take a walk or do something else. It's 'therapy' for me everyday.

I wish you peace Cyran0, you are a good person, I can see that.

Thinking of you.

((((((((((((((( Cyran0 ))))))))))))))

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Cyran0 said:
I want the world to be better than it is. I want people to be happy and to treat each other well. I want life to be a bright star and not a black hole. I want there to be beauty without the subtle undercurrent of tragedy that bleeds through the cracks and permeates everything.

I want peace.

Maybe tomorrow.

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How about poetry of expression? You certainly have that!

Hmm, suffering horribly, feeling hopeless, and thinking about death as the only liberation. It is always amazing how other's disease can be similar to yours. I could have written this one. Not now, maybe, but last week, and maybe next month, who knows?

Despite my acute episode is gone, I am still convinced that ANY human action other than suicide is an act of foolhardiness. To go on living we NEED foolhardiness as our best virtue.

Well, just a few words from me, I am not the one who can comfort you. You have kids at least. I will NEVER have. I'm not foolhardy at that point. OK, I just meant to testify my presence and understanding.

The best of luck

i was just about to log off but your post kept coming up in my mind......it's such a horrible place where you are right now.....absolutely nothing makes a difference......as you say...all is lost..i too have found myself in that place,that dark, cold hole.......nothing anyone says will make the slightest bit of difference to you.....but we as your friends need to write words to you.the words may not matter to you but as i told stefano at an earlier date,if we did not write......it would only be worse for you..you need words even if they make no sense right now... i am glad that your children are important enough to you so that the thoughts of suicide fade away.......this past summer i was like you for almost six weeks.....my first morning thought was that i hated my life and things only got worse as the day went on..lol...i was at the point where i did not even care about those i would leave behind .......but.......with the help of a dear friend (nina) who not let me give up on myself no matter what....i made it out of the hole.......you too cyrano will see the sunlight again......love to you

Well, here we are on Monday morning and thank god I'm back at work. The structure, the focus, the locked in expectations of mood and behavior. Now I remember why I work all the time. You can hide in a job.

I want you all to know that I read every single post and though they don't eliminate the problem, they definitely help. Depression is terrible but being alone in it is a living hell. You didn't leave me alone and I'm grateful.

The despair is a pit in the center of my being but as I said, the job distracts and I feel like I can manage to maintain appearances today. Maybe this is the beginning of the end of this episode, maybe not. But I'm grateful for the reprieve created out of the necessity of paychecks and career.

My plan for the evening is to split my time between my family and freelance work. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit still long enough to be consumed by the darkness again. Working until I collapse sounds like a much better option.

Cyran0

Glad you are feeling a little better and able to go to work. Even if you have to feel like you are wearing a mask in order to get going again. Seems to me, you are doing everything you can to stay out of hell.

(((((((((( Cyran0 )))))))))))