[Gasplessy]

I've been avoidant for years, getting worse
I've been almost completely isolated in bed in the last three months because I feel very tired and felt the need to rest in fetal position forgetting what happened and dreaming of a different reality
I know this is egoistic and gross to say. I'm lucky enough to have a house but I see even this house should be left to someone else, someone who wants to live and deserve a roof on the heas more than me

I feel guilty when I have bad thoughts and want to disappear
I think: who's gonna take care of the world if I stop doing it?

I worry especially about animals and children, suffering creatures in general
Abused people

Are out there enough good people?
Some adults are so childish in a bad way... they behave like bullies -_- So many of them

I'm really tired this time, I wish I could go without feeling a s....

Sorry for this post

[MickeyCheeky]

I care about you! No need to apologize about writing here. Keep fighting and keep writing as much as you wish! I am so sorry things ar ebeing hard for you. Keep trying. Take things one step at the time. Do what you can at your own time and pace. There is ABSOLUTELY no shame in that! Please be kind to yourself. I am here for you and so are many others as well. You deserve to Live just as much as anyone else so please be kind to yourself and don't seel yourself short! You deserve the BEST and NOTHING BUT THE BEST! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Gasplessy, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[bpcyclist]

I really relate to what you wrote, Gas. I also have a somewhat dim view of a lot of humans. The good news is, there are a lot of really outstanding people here on PC. People who do care. People worth communicating with. I have basically three friends, only one of whom do I ever hear from. Three "family" members, one being my 11 year-old daughter, who wants to help, but she's 11. So, I don't have much support. But I have a ton here on PC.

So, you're not alone. Hang in there. Do you have a therapist? Maybe you should see him/her or get one. Wishing you all the best--

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Gasplessy

I've been avoidant for years, getting worse
I've been almost completely isolated in bed in the last three months because I feel very tired and felt the need to rest in fetal position forgetting what happened and dreaming of a different reality

May I ask what happened that you are trying to block out? Talking it through can sometimes lessen the hold it has on you.

I know this is egoistic and gross to say. I'm lucky enough to have a house but I see even this house should be left to someone else, someone who wants to live and deserve a roof on the heas more than me

Actually this sounds both noble and sad. Noble in that you wish to help others. Sad in that you seem to feel you do not deserve help yourself. Is that truly how you feel? If so, why?

Ifeel guilty when I have bad thoughts and want to disappear
I think: who's gonna take care of the world if I stop doing it?

Taking care of yourself is your responsibility. Taking care of the world is not. Guilt is an emotion we can use for growth - but if we allow it to - it can also stunt our growth .. by causing us to "disappear" when we isolate too much. Are the thoughts "bad enough" to warrant guilt, or are they simply spawned by either anger or sadness and thus fleeting thoughts?

I worry especially about animals and children, suffering creatures in general
Abused people

This shows how kind you are and how caring. You are a good person.

Are out there enough good people?
Some adults are so childish in a bad way... they behave like bullies -_- So many of them

Did someone bully and hurt you?

I'm really tired this time, I wish I could go without feeling a s....

I get that a lot myself. I usually distract myself in those times. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself?

Sorry for this post

No need to apologize. You have a right to post your thoughts and feelings here. Some of your thoughts and feeling may be hard to write and/or read - but those are the most important ones. Only apologize if you are harming or hurting someone in some way - not for being a person with human emotions. ❤

Please be good to yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

[Fuzzybear]

hugs

[Gasplessy]

Thanks to everyone

To answer the questions from Crypts_of_the_mind

I messed up a bit some people' lives in the last two years, because I had mental problems and isolated and couldn't manage my contacts and relations in a healthy way... also I had a serious psychotic episode some months ago :/ . I was not very aware of my condition at first

I messed up with a person I was in love with and also made him lose precioua time and get confused
Sorry if I don't explain in details
I humiliated myself because i've not been working for a very long time now

Of course I know there are bigger problems in this world, but for the first time in my life I feel I suffer this circumstances like if this is a point of no return. I went too far, i wasted

I'm not a teen
I created a awkward non-sense situation when I was in my very late 20s and after two years I feel like everything has been in a mixer-minipimer

Maybe is ocd but for example as i was feeling i was mad and stupid, the Amazon forest was burning. Then Australia...
I said to myself "I'm part of the non-sense, of the disaster, i messed up with precious relationship and time
And there is violence and there are adults who can't control themeselves
I'm not cruel of course, but I've been feeling dumb and damaging
I feel the caos

This is heavy, sorry
I think I will delete the thread

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Gasplessy

Thanks to everyone

To answer the questions from Crypts_of_the_mind

I messed up a bit some people' lives in the last two years, because I had mental problems and isolated and couldn't manage my contacts and relations in a healthy way... also I had a serious psychotic episode some months ago :/ . I was not very aware of my condition at first

The fact you are aware of it now is the most important part. You are proactively trying to help yourself by talking to us as well, so that is awesome too. Do you also see a psychiatrist or counselor?

All of us with mh issues tend to mess things up in a big way when our issues flare too big. Dont beat yourself up over "the mess" - but give yourself props for trying to fix yourself. If you see any (healthy) way of possibly trying to help mend things with these other people, then you can do that too if you want.

I messed up with a person I was in love with and also made him lose precioua time and get confused
Sorry if I don't explain in details
I humiliated myself because i've not been working for a very long time now

I'm not sure how you feel you can cause a person to waste time - but generally what a person does with his or her time is his or her choice. Maybe someone chooses to do something for you and regrets it later ... you still did not waste that poo person's time bc you did not make them do anything, they chose to. Don't beat yourself up. ❤

Of course I know there are bigger problems in this world, but for the first time in my life I feel I suffer this circumstances like if this is a point of no return. I went too far, i wasted

I am of the thought there is no hurt that is bigger or lesser than another. So - if it hurts, it is significant. We all react differently to the same circumstances. The pain someone may feel from failing a test in college may be just as bad as the pain someone else feels from the death of a loved one. We therefore cannot judge what is big or small. I am just happy you are talking yours through now. *hugs*

I'm not a teen
I created a awkward non-sense situation when I was in my very late 20s and after two years I feel like everything has been in a mixer-minipimer

Why do you mention you are not a teen here? Do you feel only teens are "allowed" to make these kinds of mistakes?

I feel alienated and feel the world is not ok
Maybe is ocd but for example when i felt i was going mad the Amazon forest was burning this year
I said to myself "I'm a bad human in this world, i messed up with love for non-sense reasons, ruined other people lives, lost chances
And there is violence and there are adults who can't control themeselves
I'm not cruel of course but I've been feeling so dumb and a failure

This sounds like depression.
Try getting some sunlight during the day. Go on walks or do other low impact exercises. Try helping out people either on here or in your offline life. If you have a pet - snuggle up with it, play with it, pet it. Get more socially active if you can.

These are all things which stimulate different things in the brain to help us feel happier. There are other things too, but give these a try and see what happens. *hugs*

[Gasplessy]

I feel I really need to scream for the first time in my life
I can't believe what happened

Sorry I see a psychoterapist but she wasn't helpful honestly
That's the truth
I wish there were someone with me, to talk to
She saw I was obsessed with a person and changed topic
And I understand it, but for me it was a painful unsolved issue

I can't believe what I lost and how it did happened

Sorry I really have no escape anymore
For the first time in my life, this year i've been feeling like this
I crazy over

And the person i've been thinking to the whole time and criyng for doesn't know because the only occasion I had was in june

I've never been like this in my life before this year. i wasn't and obsessive person

[Serpentine Leaf]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, Gasplessy. Please stop beating yourself up over it, and please don't feel the need to apologize for posting how you're feeling. That's why PC exists! We've all felt the same way you have and there is no judgement here. It can take a little time to find the right counselor. And there are tons of resources and information here, plus no shortage of community members standing beside you.

You have a beautiful soul and obviously care very deeply about other people's pain. Volunteer work might be a good option for you. You'll feel better taking action to address these problems damaging the world right now, and meet other people who share your values. This has been helpful for me.

Please don't give up on yourself. And if you need to scream, go ahead and scream! Crypts_Of_The_Mind gave profound insight here and I hope you'll take that to heart. It can really be hard to find the motivation just to stand up when you feel this bad--I've been there!-- but taking one small step leads to more and bigger steps. You can leave that black hole behind with the support you'll find here and from your therapist. Wishing you the best!

[TunedOut]

This video advocates distraction, distraction, distraction. I have been so depressed so I do understand but consider this:

Figure out what makes you happy. I used to be depressed because I was like Charlie Brown plus I worried too much about pleasing others and not messing up. Make even more mistakes in order to figure out what you like.

[Gasplessy]

Thank you
I used to be a different person just two years ago
I did volunteeer in my life
It's good if you can keep up

I fint absurd being here on the end of this year crying again with posts
I'm helpless and i feel like killed a child ruining the life of another person just in the stupidest way. I didn't even know what psychosis was before this summer
I lost my love but i'm also undone and unspoken even if i had the chance to speak up. I messed up
I'm not asking for help just spreading message to the universe. Thankfully what happened to me is so twisted that nobody could even imagine it

Sorry I will delete this
I use to be way more balanced

[Gasplessy]

I can'r fix it anymore
It happens in life when you've been way too stupid
Life is a serious thing. I didn't really know it

[TunedOut]

You were born into this world for a reason. There IS a reason you are going through this hard time. That you feel so bad is a sign that changes need to be made. View videos such as TED talks; try new jobs; read philosophy books; etc. until you find what feels good and in the meantime what feels good while you are thinking? Walks? Cooking. Comedy shows? Distract.

[Serpentine Leaf]

Tuned Out is right: no one is here on Earth unless there is a reason for it. Please don't beat yourself up over any mistakes. There is no such thing as perfection in humans. You belong here and you are worthy of love and friendship.