Severely suicidal/inpatient

It was a bit scary. I didn't have any of my things with me, so I couldn't do a lot. At night they checked in on me every hour. I talked to a psychiatrist who have me Truxal for anxiety that I could take home.

A good things is that I've now told my parents that I was inpatient and they know how I feel now. I've been at their place for some days. Yesterday my mom and I talked and I cried a lot. Now I'm back at my own place. My mom said she'll keep contact every day when I feel like this. That really touched me. It's so good to know that some people really care.

These days I struggle with anxiety especially in the morning. I've been tapering off my medication (Effexor) but I need to go back up again unfortunately.

How are you doing Mopey? Do you also struggle with anxiety?

Good to hear from you, Mat. And thanks for asking how I am, too.

First off, as Singer says, they must have evaluated you at the Hospital - they are used to evaluating their patients - and judged that you have a strong enough personality structure to make it outside, even if you continue to have a whole lot of trouble. And the've added a new drug to your Effexor, I see. I hope it helps.

Yes, I am pretty constantly anxious. Everything in life I approach through anxiety and fear. When I have my bad episodes of anx/dep (which is not anywhere near as often, thanks to many years of therapy and life experience) I have often asked to die. Then when I get feeling better, I go "Wait a minute! I didn't mean that!!"

I am really glad to hear that your parents know your situation and that your mother has been so very supportive. That can make SO much difference and I'm so glad for you that she is there for you at this time. That's one of those things we're sometimes almost afraid to hope for but when it happens it is wonderful.

On a more superficial note, I hear that Denmark is paying everyone to stay home for a month because of Corona, and I think that's great. It should help you, too, in your situation. So many of the experts have said that that's the only way to go: short-term, extreme shutdown. Should slow down the virus so we can all eventually get back to "normal" (ha ha).

Much love and hugs. Please do keep us posted as to how you're doing.

Matt it sounds like you have had a rough few days. I remember many hospitalizations that I have had. Each is a bit different. People believe in you, that you can do this. I believe in you. Using grounding techniques helps as well. Distracted helps as well.

In the past week, I have learned that when I do things that I am dreading, the dread falls away and I feel better after I have done the thing I have dreaded. I hope that makes sense to you.

It may be hard now but if you wait you will be in even more suffering then when you started.

Suicidal thoughts don't just happen, for most people. It is a solution to a temporary problem. What is your trigger this time?

These last days have not been good. My mom visited me today. She wants me to go inpatient. I was crying a lot and I just can’t see any future. I don’t know what to do.
My meds are increasing right now. I was trying to come off them. Not a good idea I think.

I would be more safe with people around me but I also value my independence.
What do you think I should do puzzclar?

Just being around people never worked for me in a state of suicidality. I needed those who had more compassion and training. Being inpatient is needed sometimes.

In this case if on a scale of 1-10, 10 being I'm going to take action about these negative thoughts. And 7 being it's been on my mind but I have a plan. 5 being some where in the middle. And 1 rejecting the suicidal thought(s). If you are above an 8, don't take a chance, go in and be evaluated by the emergency department. It will keep you safe, and that is priority number one!

Some of my darkest days where I longed for suicide, have become brighter days of I was able to make a difference in another patient's life or the life of a staff member. I know I was there for safety, but I feel more safe there than a few places on the outside.

Please do what's best for you. And keep us informed.

Mat, many hugs and sorrows. May a Higher Power (and dear puzzclar) guide you. Good advice I think.

(( ☔️☔️🌹🌹 ))

Thank you Mopey. I really wish.
Don’t know what to say these days.

At my father’s right now. Was going to make dinner but suddenly didn’t know what to do and became anxious. Everything makes me anxious. I feel I fall apart. Barely holding back the tears all the time. Do you feel like that too Mopey?

I know I have. Sometimes we need a good kick in the pants. If you know what I mean. In my experience the best way to pull out of a depressive episode or anxiety is to set a time for 25 minutes and do something that I am dreading, or something I feel may help. If I feel like not going for a walk, then I go on a walk, if the weather is dry.

I have to make continuous movement towards my goals, and not give up on myself.

I have been to the hospital about 10 times, and the last time I felt like I was close to needing to go, I set that timer, and then took 5, then did it again.

The process is slow because we resist what we could be doing. Out if fear, anger, anxiety, or surprise (I'm sure there are others!) Resistance brings depression. Work brings peace.

I know it's hard but to avoid the hospital one needs to have a swift kick in the pants.

I think puzzclar is right, baby - in that after awhile if we want to keep out of the hospital we will need to learn some coping mechanisms. Puzzclar has his/hers, I have mine, hopefully you will develop yours, slowly but surely.

Sure, I am constantly anxious. The only time I'm not horrendously anxious, muddled, and/or depressed and confused is in the split second after I wake up. Otherwise I'm dealing with it all the time. I have my tools, some of which are described in the "STOP" technique that puzzclar posted in this thread.

For example, let's say I'm you, and I'm going to cook dinner. All of a sudden I freak out. I don't know what the f--k to do. I'm spinning out. I'm..... What I do then is STOP. I take a couple of deep breaths. I focus on my breath. Then I ask myself, what is the next step in my process. Let's say I've chosen a recipe. I go get my recipe. Next? I gather together my ingredients. Then the next step. And the next. Keep breathing. Slow down. Take the steps, as many as you can.

Then give yourself some credit for getting even that far.

Many, many hugs. Many positive thoughts. Keep sharing what's going on with you if you can.