[SS8282]

I'm not really sure how to talk about this, but it's kind of bothering me.

In chat, I might have given the impression that things weren't really bad, and I know there were times when I injected some humour. Well, that wasn't exactly the 'REAL' me.

I'm sorry - this is hard for me, so please bear with me.

See, last week my whole family was away - my parents, my brother and his family, everyone. The office was closed for the week because most of the people were away on vacation. I had a plan - from a while back. It was the chance for me to do what I've been wanting to do for a long time. Nobody would know, nobody would miss me. Not until it was too late.

I looked forward for that week to come, I was like a child looking forward to going on a trip.

One thing lead to another, and the week has come and gone, everyone's back, and I'm still here. I feel like I've missed the boat, missed the opportunity to 'do it', and I feel bad. A friend of mine - who knew about the plan - said he was glad that I'm still around. Why don't I feel the same? Why do I feel like a loser for missing that boat? I don't understand, and it's eating me up....

[nightdream]

Probably that boat wasn't yours to take.

Why don't you try another kind of boat. The one that will sail with you to take you away from your sadness. The one that will show you the beauty of this world that you were meant to see.

Maybe you are not recieving the right kind of help. Maybe you should try to find something else that will fit your needs.

But I'm surely glad you have missed that boat.

((((((((((((((((((SS))))))))))))))))

Love and Hugs!
nightdream

[hamstergirl]

I wish you'd have shared too.
But if you tried joking about it in chat with me, you should know that I wasn't fooled. I've been looking for that boat too many times to miss the sight of a potential fellow passenger, even one who tries to duck from sight.

I was courting death last week too and didn't feel I could talk on here. And I was too scared to call a crisis line. I was too frightened of winding up in an ambulance. Even now, though my pain has been eased somewhat (I still need the morphine), I am still looking for that boat. I am begging God to send me one, however remote the chance may be.

You are not the only one to hear the boat's whistle. Or to feel regret at seeing it pull out of the harbour into the sunset. I, for one, would miss our little chats terribly.


There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Wants2Fly]

Dear SS8282 --

I am glad that you didn't get on that boat that is so familiar to so many of us, too.

I have often been suicidal over the past year. I used my research skills to find out what methods are least painful and most likely to succeed, and decided on a method and got the ingredients together. Even called a crisis hotline once.

Then I felt like I didn't "have the courage" to do it, and like the "drama queen" my brother says I am.

My therapist said -- It doesn't take courage to die. It takes courage to live, when you are in pain.

It doesn't matter, in the end, whether the "reasons" for our pain make sense to anyone else -- the pain is very, very real.

I havfe read that 15% of all seriously depressed people succeed at ending their lives. That is a very high percentage, if it is true.

Depression is a very serious illness. It can kill us.

I am so grateful that your disease didn't take you from us.

[(JD)]

Thanks for your post SS, we are so prevented from discussing this topic it's really tough to feel it and ... not be able to vent it

I, too, sit with the wings to fly at any moment. It's my option, something I know I have for WHEN (and maybe, if) things ALL things go absolutely, impossibly wrong.

Wise is right it IS seductive... depression draws us down and into the dark folds of deception...

It is not a good way to live. In fact, it isn't any way to live. It's the ambivilence that will get us, off guard, at some point...

...when we are pretty sure we might not... and don't want anyone to think we're just trying to call attention to ourselves... or because of policy (like here) have to say call a hotline... when all we might need is reassurance that this is the DEPRESSION talking... taking over our minds and making us think these things

well... those are just some of my thinkings I'd post on suicide, if we were allowed to discuss it.

[lost_lonely]

(((((((((((SS8282))))))))))))))))

You are not alone in these feelings of despair, do not think that for a second. I had similiar plans myself, at the beginning of July. My family was going away for six days for the fourth of July holiday, and I was going to stay home. I figured it would the PERFECT time, alone in the house, no one would even realize until it was too late...........

But I didn't do it. As much as I wanted to, as much as I wanted to just die and escape this misery and pain, I couldn't bring myself to pick up the knife. I ended up going with my family, and actually had more fun than I thought I would.

My point is that we all struggle with this feelings, and as long as we have these mental illnesses, there will be times when we think we may be able to pick ourselves up, and other times when we feel like we've had enough and we can't go on.

I asked you something in chat this week. You told me how you were feeling, and I said that, despite your depression, you were STILL here. I said there has to be a reason why you didn't go through with it, something inside you, even if it's just a TINY SPARK of hope, wants to live. If not, you wouldn't be here. Like I said, you need to reach out and try as hard as you can to hold onto that something, because it continues to save your life.

I know you have it in you, SS, you just need to find it. Once you do, never let it go. Hold onto it, because it is the most precious thing you will ever have.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't look for that boat as well, but I'm trying to take things day by day, holding out hope that eventually better things will come my way. I'm VERY glad you missed that boat, because I would miss you terribly. You have been so kind and supportive to me, and these boards wouldn't be the same without you.

I mean that.

I'll always be here for you, SS. I know you can beat this and be happy again, even if it takes time. I'll see you soon in chat, okay?

Take care and don't give up hope. I will pray for you.

(((((((((((((((SS8282))))))))))))))))

[lost_lonely]

I forgot to mention, you are by NO MEANS a loser!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SS8282]

Thanks ((((((((nightdream)))))))) I'm trying to get help for everything.

[SS8282]

((((((((((((((ham)))))))))))))thanks for sharing too.

[SS8282]

(((((((((wants2fly))))))))))))) thank you. You've given me something to think about. im glad you're here.

[SS8282]

You're welcome. and thanks (((((((((((sky)))))))))))) for your thoughts. Depression doesn't just talk - it screams.

[SS8282]

(((((((((((((lost))))))))))))) i dont know what to say, except that your respons has 'touched' me. Thanks.

[Leslie]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SS))))))))))))))))))))))))

I like chatting with you , I am so glad you didn't take the boat. After reading all the post on this thread , there isn't much more to say. The responses on this isssue were so awesome. People really do care about SS and the advise they gave you were things you need consider. Thanks again for being there for me in chat. I really enjoy talking with you.

Leslie

[SS8282]

I enjoy talking to you too. You're right - the people here have been wonderful. I'm glad I've got you all here. Emotionally, I do feel better now. If only I can get my asthma fixed up....

You're welcome - I'm glad to be there for you - as you've been there for me. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((les)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you. Take care.

[lost_lonely]

You should save or print this thread SS, so next time when you feel really down and out you can pull this up and re-read it, and help yourself feel better by seeing in writing that so many of us here care about what happens to you. Or feel free to just post your thoughts again, I know sometimes it's other people's support on these forums that helps get me through the tough times.
I'm glad you're feeling better emotionally, I'm pulling for you. I hope today is going well, and that your asthma lets up soon. I have SEVERE allergies, so I know it really stinks.
I will continue to send happy, healing thoughts and energy in your direction.

((((((((((((((SS8282)))))))))))))))))

[SS8282]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((lost)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you!!!!!!!

Good idea. I'll print it out. The people here are absolutely amazing. )

Tomorrow, I see my respirologist, and I hope she won't say something like, "just a little (whatever). You're fine. Nothing wrong with you that a little rest and lots of liquids won't cure.' I'd be so embarrassed....

[ALi26]

Every time you try to hurt yourself..picture your loved ones being hurt by your death and feeling suicidal themselves because they lost you and don't want to carry on. This I what I do. I have struggled for the past 6 months with rocking my boat. It is so scary but I refuse to let it win. Nothing is certain in life but do not be selfish. Others need you. I have learned this.
Hang in there..life can be wonderful as well as painful..two sides to every coin.
ali

[lost_lonely]

I just missed you in the chat room tonight, hope you're feeling better today. ((((((((((((SS8282))))))))))))) Keep you chin up.

[SS8282]

Thanks Ali. Sometimes I think about my family and how they would feel. I am trying to hang in there.

Today, I found out i have bronchitis,and when i got back to the office, the smoker was there too - smoking away.... So hard to get better. Im sorry.

[SS8282]

((((((((((((lost))))))))))))) thanks for your good wishes. Much needed.

I don't usually talk about this Ali26, but if my little brother wasn't headed to Iraq (on my anniversary no less) I would have probably killed myself in the past couple of months. THere is always hope though...SS, we've spoken about this stuff so many times, you hang in there, but find something to hope for. THis disease is waiting for you...either to fail, or to wake up and tell it to go to hell! Wake up, and liive darlin'!
(((((HUGS EVERYONE)))))

[SS8282]

(((((((((((((Jon))))))))))))thanks. I'm really trying. Looking for hope too. Fighting so many things, it's hard to see out of all this.

I wish something goes right. That's what I need. That's probably my hope.

I think I've mentioned this before, but not sure. Long time ago, my cousin who was living with us, killed himself. I know what's going to happen. I know...

[(JD)]

<font color=purple>((((SS)))))) Yes it is nearly impossible to see out of such darkness.
<font color=green>
One problem with depression is we can't see any good IF and WHEN it does come along to us. And then, it's almost like we have to deny it.

So one foot in front of the other... and not too close to the edge...

I'm kinda tickled that the thread hasn't been deleted... since discussing suicide is a real grey area here.... I guess because we post as it's past tense and all these kudos to keep going...

guess everything has to be veiled...in the dark.... Sky

[Wants2Fly]

Suicidal thoughts are one of the most important things that we can share and bring into the light here. And it is so hard to do it.

I suspect that when we are in the throes of that hellish pain is when we don't want to contact anyone. We don't want to be talked out of it, if we are serious. Or, for me, I may not want to "bother" anyone because people get upset, they don't know what to do. One of the things being in therapy has done for me is give me a listener who validates my feelings and says --You are in a lot of pain and this is a dangerous time for you. Reach out for help.

Depression kills -- about 15 percent of us -- and we will die by our own hands -- but not necessarily of our own "choice" --because the disease steals our ability to make wise and enlightened decisions. We stop loving ourselves well.

I think we are here on this forum to love each other well.

Thank you for sharing abut this ALii26. It is important.

[(JD)]

How true wants2fly. I like your s/n because I KNOW I can fly... and soon I will... really.

But it was just in session Thursday that I asked my T if I could ask a dumb question... (gee... I've been in therapy with him over 15 years and I know the answer...) and asked if I found myself on top of a tall building, did he want a phone call... sigh. I think I will never leave this darkness.

My main fear is that I will say something to encourage someone else here. In one of those throes... before some mod catches the thread.. and my post... I don't care about myself... if it happens great! But I really think others want help...

so if I don't answer sometime BTW or delay in response... that Might be the reason

You might be a depressive if....