[puzzclar]

Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus

Just struggling to find meaning in life.

I feel similar. I don't know what I am doing, and that scares me.

[3rd rock]

I hate everything about myself. I am lazy, stupid, and ugly.

[Rose76]

I can't eat or sleep.

[Turtle_Rider]

It is official now about the program I try to enter. The 'employer' (not the actual employer, but I'm not sure what they called), picked the other candidate.
Not her fault. From the very beginning, she told me that she couldn't promise to take me. But still, I was hoping that she could change her mind and pick me instead.
We are still on the good terms though.

Ok... I have to find a new 'employer'. I hope I could... Next year I'll turn 26 and that is the age limit for the program, so my time is less than a year. I am unsure with everything now.... It depresses me every time I think about this.

[Rose76]

I ate only a few spoons of ice cream yesterday and a small container of jello around midnight. I haven't slept all night, even though I didn't sleep a lot the previous night. I am shivering now feeling cold. But it's june in the Southwest. I need help. I need medication to ease this awful nd drawn out feeling lousy. I need some sedation. The psychiatrist yesterday said what I'm going through is normal. I'm not normal. This is not okay. A counselor on a hotline said I might seek a patient advocate. For years I advocated for my s.o. I can't seem to advocate for myself.

[downandlonely]

@Rose76 are you going through withdrawals from stopping medication?

The day has just pretty much got started. I have a lot to do starting now. I was kicking myself earlier for going shopping and forgetting to pick up an important item. So I have to go get it later. Funny thing was that I had that item on my list.

My friend called me early this morning. He didn't call last night. He said that he didn't call last night because he fell asleep. That seems to be happening to him lately. Well anyways he was telling me that he had his family and a friend visit him yesterday, bringing food. It was a surprise for Father's Day. That's nice. I wish something like that would happen for me. No one ever comes to visit me. Also, for some strange reason, there doesn't seem to be a day to celebrate and honor someone like me; other than my birthday.

Oops, I forgot to mention, today is the start of a week off from work for me. I'm just staying put in my area, not going anywhere. I don't have much planned. Just stuff to do for myself. It's the first time off I've had in a while.

mainly bad.

not so much emotionally (emotionally my mood is okay), I just have not motivation to do anything, and even if I did nothing needs doing. so

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm experiencing a slow start but I have faith that I'll be doing better later.

A busy day for me as I did the laundry and went on a two-and-a-half hour bike ride. I spoke to my sister this morning. It went alright but then she got talking about how nice it would be if I were at where she is. I've told her at least a thousand times that I never want to move to where she is. I feel bothered by this because it sounds like some kind of obsession or maybe she's coming down with dementia. It's very irritating for me when someone keeps bringing something up after I have been saying "NO" many times.

Tomorrow is the real start of having time off from work. It's the first week off from work since September when I went away on a vacation. This time I'm hanging at home and it's the first "staycation" in quite a while. I have an appointment at a bank tomorrow morning.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

@Rose76 are you going through withdrawals from stopping medication?

That's an intelligent question. Here's what I think:

The psychiatrist did order me some Ativan, which I asked him to do. (My main reason for calling him.) I've never been on Ativan. There were a few of my friend's hospice supply left over, and I did use them during the 1rst week after he died. That few for that short a time wouldn't set a person up for withdrawal.

However, Saturday I picked up the ones just ordered for me. Saturday evening I took 3 of the 0.5 mg tablets for dose equaling 1.5 mg. Two hours later I ate a nice bowl of soup with croutons that tasted delicious. An hour after that, I fell asleep snd stayed asleep for a good rest. Also the hysterical crying spells went away.

The sequence of what I did, outlined above, suggests that I was in need of some sedation and had a very good response to getting some. There's a time and a place for every legitimate drug. It's bad to give out an antibiotic when there's a very good chance that your own immune system can overcome an infection. But it is stupid to withhold antibiotic treatment, if you have a bacterial infection that starts to snowball. Doctors very rightly should generally avoid treating grief with a sedative. But it's stupid to withhold sedation from a person who is genuinely in need of medication to break a cycle of escalating extreme acute psychological distress. Ativan (lorazepam) is a legal drug that has legitimate uses. Otherwise, why has the manufacture of lorazepam not been outlawed?

I also have Vicodan readily available. I'm not needing as much as I did when I was caring for my friend, doing all the work that his care involved.

Ativan 1.5 mg would not halt true withdrawal signs and symptoms . . . at least not for very long. Sunday, I've had a very good, busy, productive day. I get weepy, but I'm managing like a normal person in grief.

My sorrow isn't more special than the next person's sorrow. But due to a variety of stressors happening at once and my own depressive tendencies, I "decompensated." I'm a lot better this past day and a half. IMO - that's a good thing. I've given my analysis of why I'm better - Some Ativan stopped the snowballing psychic distress. I've had no urge to take more Ativan in the last day and a half.

[Breaking Dawn]

I didn't accomplish what I wanted to yesterday, & I'm not happy about that. But today is a new day, & I'm hoping I do better today. Down & up.

Today was a busy day for me. First real day of my vacation for this week. I went to the bank since a CD I had there matured for a year. I got a new one now that's OK but I'm getting a little bit less on the interest. After that I went to a rug store and bought a new rug. I really like it.

When I got home, I prepared lunch. But it was a bit upsetting that there were some remodeling work that had to be done just outside of my unit. The workers were making a lot of noise with their power tools and hammering. I seem to pick a good time for vacations! That kind of stuff has happened before. I took a nap after lunch and fortunately the workers had wrapped their work outside of my unit and went elsewhere.

I feel alright about being away from work. But I have been feeling depressed a little bit. I guess it's mostly because I got thinking that I only have my sister as my family and one friend; and the both of them are not good quality. It's hard to give them up because they are all that I have.

it never fails to amaze me

10 A.M in the morning and I have nothing to do for the rest of the day

I'm hot though. sheesh. when today started it was quite cool, but I think I may put my fan on

if I'm doing nothing all day I'd rather sit here and feel comfortable than sit here and sweat

[puzzclar]

A bit depressed this morning. I can't seem to get away from certain behaviors.

[Breaking Dawn]

This is me & myself with ups & downs.

Another busy morning. This time my plan for the morning had an unexpected turn. I was going to explore the museums near where I live; and they have a couple of free-admissions. I've done that before, many times. But instead, I went to the bank where I went to yesterday to go over a procedure I had to do that was difficult. I didn't expect to do that today. So I ended up not going to the museums. It's only one day a week that they have some free-admissions. I felt mixed about it. I was looking forward to the museums but, like I said earlier, I have done it before and it's no big deal.

Nothing much for the rest of the afternoon, which is half over. I'll go on a bike ride later on.

[puzzclar]

Just got out of IOP. Hard day, and I have he last meeting with this t for the program.

Possible trigger:

yet intense thoughts are present, and no I don't want to go to the ER. Maybe I'll curl up and try and fall asleep afterwards. That bad call my work.

[Buffy01]

I been feeling really depressed again after thinking about what had happened to me on YouTube. I was cyber bullied, cyber stalk to the point that I had to deleted my YouTube account.

feeling okay emotionally

doing nothing though. no motivation

[Breaking Dawn]

I feel very tired & sad.

[Yzen]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

I feel very tired & sad.

Can I say I feel the same way? I feel tired & sad too.

I need to get a good night of sleep.

Had a bit of a disappointing morning. I went to a place where there's a nice hiking train near the ocean. That trail was closed. I thought that all of the parks and trails were open now in my area. So I went somewhere else.

While I was out, someone from a bank called me. I called back but that person was not available. Left a message but haven't heard back yet. Perhaps I'll try tomorrow since this day is about to end.

I don't know what I'll be doing for the rest of the day. There are workers remodeling at where I am and they are making some noise. I wish that they were not there. My vacation now is halfway over.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Yzen

Can I say I feel the same way? I feel tired & sad too.

I need to get a good night of sleep.

much love to all, and wishes for a good sleep tonight