[Trying to heal]

Hi everyone,

I apologize in advance for not giving specifics for the cause of my illness as I find it extremely hard to talk about, and I also apologize for taking up everyone's time, please don't feel that you have to respond or even read further.

I am 43 and a father of two amazing children. I got divorced in February due to infidelity on my ex-wife's part and in no small measure also due to my mental health issues.

I have been struggling with cPTSD, Chronic Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder for most of my life

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as well as extensive self harm, which, to be fair, is probably one of the big reasons my marriage has failed (though I managed to keep it hidden for almost eighteen years). Unfortunately my condition has worsened over the last few years to the point that I attempted three times and very nearly succeeded in my last attempt.

I managed to suppress most of my illness for a number of years, however it did not make it go away and eventually I sought therapy before it became unmanageable and detrimental to my children. During therapy I began remembering a whole lot that I thought I had packed away and a whole lot I didn't remember at all now comes flooding to the surface. My nightmares have gotten so bad that I can only manage a few hours of sleep a night and I am also having terrible flashbacks and panic attacks. I am completely overwhelmed and no longer have the strength to fight all this poison that is me.

I guess that I hoped that by coming here I would be able to find the tools and a reason to not give up. I want to be the best father that I can be and I want to be worthy of my children. Sadly I feel I shouldn't inflict myself on them and that they deserve better than me as their father and

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am seriously considering taking this train of thought to the next logical conclusion.

Again I apologize for taking up you time

[Yaowen]

Dear Trying to heal,

I admire you so much for trying to get better. That is so heroic. It is just heartbreaking that you have this terrible and crushing burden. I hope you will not do anything bad to yourself. It would be absolutely devastating to your children. I lost someone in my family and it left me scarred for life. I blamed myself for what they did. And it led me into a life of depression.

I wish I knew what to say to help you but sadly I am not a doctor or medical professional. If things keep getting worse, please call a crisis hotline or go to a hospital emergency department. None of us here would want you to be lost. I feel just terrible that I don't know what to say to help you. Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with better words than my poor words.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[KBMK]

Hi @Tryingtoheal , thank you for posting. I am really wishing for your suffering to ease, and hoping and praying for your healing. Don't try too hard...one thing at a time. Your healing is a great thing for the world, and the only thing that you need to do for anyone right now, is to keep breathing and asking for help.
I would ask god, if that's not your thing, ask anyone. Samaritans are always happy to offer reassurance 116 123 .
You deserve help to heal. I bet you are doing more right that you even realise. What have you done today (whenever you read this, if you feel like posting)?

I'm sure you can find your self, and find your path, given time

[RoxanneToto]

Welcome to the forum, Trying to heal, I sincerely hope you find it helpful to be here.
Firstly, it might sound harsh, but I want to say that your wife’s infidelity had nothing to do with your illness or you as a person; there are people out there who gave their marriage everything they had, and were still cheated on, or chose to walk away after doing all they could (and many variants on those themes...). I know it hurts to lose someone you love, but you didn’t make her cheat. I know it’s easier said than done, but please don’t blame yourself for her actions.
Also, your children’s perception of you won’t be the same as the one you have of yourself. They won’t likely be thinking of you as someone to merely be endured. I’m sure, if they knew how you felt and understood, they would want to help you.
You sound like a very caring person. I just get an impression from your post that you need to direct a lot more love and care towards yourself! Trust me, you’re not imposing on anyone by posting here asking for help and advice. It’s A-OK to try meeting your own needs!

[Skeezyks]

Welcome to Psych Central, Trying to heal. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort and support for you.

Here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

Suicidal? What Van Gogh's Life Can Teach You

How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts

My best wishes to you and your family...

[MickeyCheeky]

i am So Sorry that You're going through ALL of this, Trying! Please Be Kind to Yourself. fgighting against our fears is certainly tough but it can be done, And i do Believe You have Absolutely enough Strength to push Forward, my FriEnd! SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @Trying to heal, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[MickeyCheeky]

[Trying to heal]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advices. It is hard for me to accept that there are strangers so far from me that care more for me than the people who are in my physical reality, however here it is as such before me. It feels so odd that you kind people all think I am worthy of your help and your time. I honestly have no idea how to process that right now, but I am deeply grateful.

I am trying very hard to make it through another day and another hour, hoping I have the strength to carry on. In a way these few messages have helped me get through the next hour

[Nammu]

.....

[KBMK]

Originally Posted by Trying to heal

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advices. It is hard for me to accept that there are strangers so far from me that care more for me than the people who are in my physical reality, however here it is as such before me. It feels so odd that you kind people all think I am worthy of your help and your time. I honestly have no idea how to process that right now, but I am deeply grateful.

I am trying very hard to make it through another day and another hour, hoping I have the strength to carry on. In a way these few messages have helped me get through the next hour

Keep up the hard work @Tryingtoheal & go easy on yourself. I'd like to second @RoxanneToto 's comments about the infidelity being in no way your own fault. I know how hard it is living in fear, and also know it can get better (much better) it's probably only been a few months since I have stopped having awful nightmares, and they had been quite constant for sometime. There is a lot of empathy here, and it's sad that the people around you can't seem to sympathize with what you're suffering, but also (in a way) it's good that they don't have that same experience.
Hope it helps to share, and hear from others here. Hope you are getting help. Please don't be afraid to share, and feel free to PM anytime

[Trying to heal]

Thank you all again for your encouragement and concern, it is a relatively new experience for me. On a night like tonight, comments like these help me more than I can explain.

I am receiving help, be it only recently, but it is help none the less. I've been in therapy for two years but am only becoming comfortable to start talking more in depth now.

Unfortunately, there is no way I am not responsible for my marriage falling apart. I wish I could say that I have no responsibility whatsoever, but the truth is that I am, in part, responsible. It always takes two to tango and even though I don't know specifically what I have done wrong, not done or ignored, it is still partially my fault. It must have been hard for her to have to put up with the mood swings and instability, and all the other symptoms of my illness. I accept that.

Thanks for making me feel a little better and a little relevant to all of you kind people who have taken your time to read what I've written. I am deeply grateful

[MaryCat222]

Trying to Heal,

Hoping you'll update us on how you're doing.

Your kids are very lucky to have you. You are a survivor and a warrior. You are someone who understands the human condition in ways many people don't.

"It's the cracked ones that let light into the world"

Sending you good energy.