[sujunew]

...that i could trust people enough to open up to them and be honest with them
...that i could ask for help when I need it
...that i could ask for a cuddle and support when I need it
...that i could leave my 'happy, everything's fine, I'm coping fine' mask in the bottom of the drawer
...that i could let peple into my life, into my world.
The only people that i am honest with are you here at PC and my t. The trouble is that although i am honest with my t, I hold back so much. I do here too, but not nearly to the same extent as IRL.
I feel so alone. No-one knows what my life is about really. My neighbours have no idea that I survive on the invalids benefit (I think it's the disability one in the US), or even that depression and other members of its family rule my life, or even that if I didn't take my tablets every day I would be unrecognisable as the carefree, happy in control person that greets them daily. I wish that I trusted enough to allow people to get close to me, so that they could see that in fact I am not coping, that I am not 'great', that the things that I have been alluding to recently (e.g. the fact that I am physically too tired to mow my lawns, the fact that I have been so stressed that I have started smoking again) are all indicators that I am not coping too well at the moment. But if anyone even thought that then I would go out of my way to show that I am 'fine', that there is nothing for them to worry about. Because my greatest fear is that, is for people to get too close to me, is for them to think that i am not coping, is for them to gain my trust. Because if you start to trust people then you are left wide open to the possibility of getting hurt...
...i really wish that someone could give me a great big hug right now...

(((((sujunew )))))

[nowheretorun]

((((sujunew)))))) its the best hug i can give you now suj...

i understand where you're coming from... you could have written that about me...

i still cycle like that, up and down... you'll feel your up again i assume, tho i dont know enough to say for sure what your cycle is...

trust is a biggie... i couldnt open up all at once either... it was easier with some ppl tho...

but, in general, in the objective mass view, i felt like you do..

let a little in at a time? trust is sometimes a building process.. we need to feel that what we share is honored and respected and validated...

PC is one place you can find that... it will give you some idea of what that feeling is... how it feels to have deeper friends, friends that will go an extra word or emotion and care... its hard to find IRL ... many are under cover and looking for shelter the same as you... like a herd of turtles, ducking for cover it seemed to me...

but, you've gone brave and poked your head out some.. kudos for you.... keep up the good work : )

give it time.... find support, anywhere you can... PC is ok for that...

hang in there...

[PaddlerKD]

((((((Sunjunew))))))

You have come much closer to your wish just in this posting, because my wishes and actions are so similar but I haven't been able to even express them in words on PC. That is a start.

Sending positive vibes your way,
KD

[sujunew]

(((((muffy, nowheretorun, KD)))))
thanks for the hugs, they are much appreciated. I even got a 'real' hug today- arrived at Ronald McDonald House with my daughter and were greeted like family (ok, so we do stay here at bit lol). That was nice too! Am feelng much better today. It is just with so much stress at the moment I seem to cycle so much more, and so much quicker. But anyway, thanks for being there as I take my baby steps in learning to trust...There are so many ppl I WANT to open up to, that I do really trust, I just have to climb that brick-wall-barrier in front of me and...I guess...have faith...

[tautologic]

Why do you think people are untrustworthy? What "hurt" are you afraid of?

[jamminpianogirl]

I know what you mean. I have an incredibly hard time trusting. I used to be different until I was let down by my entire family, abandoned by several others, and pretty much rejected by my high school and college communities. I have 3 close friends who I made before my life started falling into depression/anxiety/etc., and one of them knows most of what's going on in my life, while the other 2 have a decent idea. I have some acquaintances and such, but of course I have to put on a mask around them and everybody else. I even feel like I have to put on a happy mask around my bests sometimes. I just can't seem to completely trust anyone, and I don't want to burden the friends I already have too much. But I think that sharing on an online community like this can be very helpful, at least, it is for me. Having an anonymous identity for some reason makes it easier for me to share.

[sujunew]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
tautologic said:
Why do you think people are untrustworthy? What "hurt" are you afraid of?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I've thought about this so much, and I still don't REALLY know. I think most of my distrust comes from my mother, from when I saw a t when I was 12. She was a family t and after my mother and I had a session 1 day I passed by the big window at my grandparent's place and heard her telling them everything that had happened at the session. I think that most of my distrust has come from there. For as long as I can remember though, I have always been a closed book to everyone. My family has never talked about things, and even physical contact e.g. hugs and the words 'I love you' were few and far between. But yeah, I guess between my mother...and the t, who I never liked anyway (probably coz I resented being made to go SOOO much) I closed myself off even more.

[sujunew]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jamminpianogirl said:
But I think that sharing on an online community like this can be very helpful, at least, it is for me. Having an anonymous identity for some reason makes it easier for me to share.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Welcome to PC! Being able to come here, and knowing that no-one else knows who I am and cannot identify me is what helps me to share at all! I have told my t that I belong to an online community but that is all that she knows. I would love to spread the word about PC but I am too scared that someone who knows me will come on and figure out who I am! Being anonymous means that I can open up without the fear of rejection, hurt or...?embarrassment? (Yes, I am struck by the whole mental health stigma thanks to my family- when I was 6 and my father had his breakdown the word 'mental' was banned from our vocab; the stigma is 'in my mind' and I probably the only one affected by it lol).

[Fuzzybear]

[Perna]

It is difficult choosing between the loneliness and taking a chance and maybe getting hurt. The loneliness doesn't go anywhere though, can't ever help make things better. It becomes a nasty surprise to people who would have loved to help, to suddenly find their neighbor has to be picked up by ambulance or something and taken to the hospital?

When you see a neighbor mowing, just go out and ask them can they mow you too, you haven't been too well. You don't have to explain too much to neighbors. My neighbor asked me could she weed my garden! She and her girlfriend like to lay in the sun in the summertime and they get bored and like something to do while they're tanning. She thought I was going to have the gardening service do it and didn't want to inconvenience me. I'd been having trouble with my neck and shoulder and couldn't bend down. We both got what we needed?

[sujunew]

(((((fuzzy & perna))))), thanks

well, I totally shocked myself today. Maybe by opening up here and starting this thread I gave myself a bit of courage...my friend and I were txting each other heaps while I was waiting for my daughter to go to theatre. She mentioned that she has had 4 general anaesthetics and only liked 1 (for her c-section lol). I said that since my 2nd daughter I have had over 26, and she asked why. I actually answered her- told her the truth that it was for ECT. She had no idea that I even suffered from depression! She was very supportive (as much as you can be when you aer txting lol). I haven't known her very long but we get along really well. I don't even know how old she is- I have a fair idea- but she and I help each other out when we can with stuff. So I guess that's a start, and while I very nearly didn't even answer her I am glad I did.

[PaddlerKD]

Congrats Sunjunew. That's a great step!