[3rd rock]

I really need someone to talk to but I don't have anyone.

[Rose76]

Today is my third day of not doing good. In two weeks, I see the psychologist again. I don't want to have to tell him I'm not getting better. We made a good plan . . . that I would find somewhere to go everyday and not stay vegetating in my apartment. I've stayed in pajamas the past two days.

It occurs to me now that 5 weeks between visits is kind of a long time. I think the psychiatrist didn't take me as seriously as he might have. He said something about how I could email him. I don't really know what he meant by that.

I didn't go to Yoga this week, like I had planned. This psychologist is probably going to say that he can't help me because I didn't stick to the plan.

I'm not really despondent today. Just horribly apathetic.

[LadyShadow]

It's hard not to beat yourself up @Rose76 when you already feel like you messed up. Be gentle with yourself for not sticking to the plans. Plans change all the time, and sometimes it's tough to stick to them.

My way of getting myself up and going is setting alarms, I set several during the day for all kinds of things. It gives me the motivation to get going. I know you came up with a plan with your psychiatrist, but you can also draw up one for yourself, that you'll be able to stick to.

This is a process. I spent almost 20 years living in my parent's house just existing. I never realized that I wasn't even living. Coming out of it took something very dramatic for me, but for you, it's about pulling yourself out of the darkness by achieving one small milestone a day that lead to bigger ones.

Feeling depressed now. Last week things seemed to be picking up a little bit and I was feeling pretty good. But it all plunged downwards. The good things from last week went down and so has my life's routine.

It always seems that way. Good times don't last long, but bad feelings lingers on for a good while.

[LadyShadow]

A mix of emotions. I feel really good because I am so grateful to be here spending time with my parents, but at the same time, my mind wanders on my husband. I know he will be hard to forget, and I will always love him, but I am just so mad that he just didn't do the right thing. I can't change people, I know that, but he really would have had it made with me.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

snip:

It always seems that way. Good times don't last long, but bad feelings lingers on for a good while.

It feels that way for me too. It reminds me of a saying “All good things must come to an end.” Why? Why can’t the bad things stop? I don’t listen to much news since it’s one grim headline after another.

———
Posted directly on site using iPhone

[3rd rock]

I am a liar and a fraud. I had intended to go to this meeting tonight (AA). So I got in my truck and drove there, parking halfway down the block. And then I got out of my truck and started walking towards the church, but as I approached I just saw a huge crowd standing outside the church waiting for the meeting to get started, smoking their cigarettes and drinking their coffee. There must've been dozens of people. So I freaked out and started panicking at the sight of such a huge crowd of people I didn't know. Of course, I only panicked internally; outwardly I just looked like some guy going for an evening walk. I was freaking out so much that I couldn't bring myself to go up to the crowd, so I just kept walking. I walked around the block, then got back in my truck and drove away. I hate myself for being unable to force myself to seek out the support of a group of sober people. And it's got me feeling hopeless and depressed right now. I don't know what I'm going to do. I still haven't calmed down from the sheer panic of it all.

[Samantha Atkinson]

I'm a bit better than these past few days. I'm trying to be okay.

[Rose76]

@LadyShadow - wise words above. Enjoy your visit with the folks.


I've been doing pretty good the past few days. What a relief. Doing yardwork really gives me a lift. I've been caring for some rose bushes that are much improved. It's nice to be outdoors again.

[Buffy01]

I have been trying to figure out what is causing me to feel depressed

[LadyShadow]

Need time to heal and process all these emotions. Feeling really good today, got all dressed up and going to face the day. Thank you for the encouragement @Rose76 I am really glad to hear you've been having a good couple of days, remember to celebrate the small victories, (and big ones too) - you're definitely worth it!

[Rose76]

I am doing well over the past few days. Getting stuff done. Hope this state of mind lasts for awhile.

[LadyShadow]

Feeling ups and downs. Tried to have a "goodbye" conversation with my ex, what a mistake that was. He turned around and insisted I was sleeping with someone else. I should have known better, this is just pointless.

[Rose76]

Tired. No ambition today.

I cleaned this morning. I always feel depressed while awake in bed before breakfast. After breakfast I feel better; but throughout the time I have my little ups and downs. A lot of times the depression comes from thinking about the future and how I think it will go downhill.

I felt bad a little bit this morning when I talked to my friend by phone. He called me this morning around 8:30. I always want to get going on the cleaning by 9. He was going to a memorial service at 1:00 this afternoon. The part I felt bad about was when I said, "I hate those memorial services", which means that I'd rather talk to him in the afternoon so that I can watch a movie tonight. I felt bad because a woman had passed away and I felt insensitive, but she was 101 years old. I don't think he took it too badly because she just a casual acquaintance whom he hardly knew.

Nothing much else to report about.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

snip:

I always want to get going on the cleaning by 9.

I don't like having my routine disrupted either. It's the only thing that keeps me grounded or that I have any control over. An acquaintance who has a routine of calling me weekly had to change the time for that day. We agreed on 2pm or so I thought. She called me at 3 which is late for me; I'm not an afternoon person.

She said sorry and she thought it was 3. I went ahead and talked because if it wasn't for her, nobody would be calling me or talking to me at all. She was originally calling me as a volunteer during Covid lockdowns. And she wanted to continue to call, but I just get a half hour of her time one day a week.

It's kind of like wanting the whole slice of bread but I'm only going to get one bite. Drastic analogy but that's how it feels. I'm ambivalent about the calls, since it's been almost 4 years of talking yet I don't know her. It's so one sided but is it better than nothing? Sometimes I don't know.

Quote from Nonightowl ---> "It's so one sided but is it better than nothing? Sometimes I don't know".

It's a good point because I feel that way a lot about my friend. I think it's better than nothing, because having no one is really bad especially when things go wrong. But there are a lot of times when I feel frustrated that it's so one-sided. We disagree on issues a lot - personal and current events. It feels OK for me to just have a "cool down time". I wish it wouldn't come down to that, but after a while I miss having the contact.

If someone could just come along and wave a magic wand at me to create a great friend, that would be wonderful, even if we disagree at times. I used to have some great friends like that but they are long gone. Also there have been possibilities of making a new friend and then it didn't turn out well.

Best to you.

[Buffy01]

I’ve been feeling really horrible

[Cocosurviving]

My day was kick-*** awesome. I attended a community day and healthy kids day with my grandson. My son attended a birthday party.

Afterward we attended a local Earth Day celebration. We enjoyed live bands, and vendors. It wasn’t too crowded at the time we went. Kids were playing with hula hoops , coloring with chalk and playing with bubbles. I also ran into a fellow comrade.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A gloomy day today. Felt depressed but I don't really know why.

Just last week, there was a little lot for parking in the back at where I live that finally opened after six and a half months. But now they've closed it again and I don't know why. And then they put in a port-a-potty in the lot just now. The last time that happened, some homeless people camped out and broke in to this place. I hope it doesn't happen again. The street parking was a problem while that little lot was closed, but it eased when it opened. Now we're right back into that crap again.

[Rose76]

I'm having a good day and feel in a chippery mood. Did a bit of yard work. That helps my mood a lot.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

snip:

I used to have some great friends like that but they are long gone. Also there have been possibilities of making a new friend and then it didn't turn out well.

Same here. I still have just one real life quality friend, and if I had just ONE more it would make a big difference!

Originally Posted by will19

snip:
But now they've closed it again and I don't know why. And then they put in a port-a-potty in the lot just now. The last time that happened, some homeless people camped out and broke in to this place. I hope it doesn't happen again. The street parking was a problem while that little lot was closed, but it eased when it opened. Now we're right back into that crap again.

They are doing roadwork around here, and there's temporary no parking signs 9-4 weekdays. And parking is ATROCIOUS here, so I'm glad I don't have to park on the street.

And a gas station near me closed in January, as they are going to develop the very busy corner at a major intersection, and yet build another high-rise luxury apartment building. There's just the cashier's booth left, all of the pumps are long gone. But now it's covered with graffiti again (it was cleaned off once already) and there's a couple of tents there now. The buildings next to it were torn down years ago, back in 2019 or 2020, and they haven't even started doing anything. It's a real eye sore.

When they finally start, that intersection will be unbearable. I'll have to avoid it, whether on foot or driving, even if I have to go out of my way.

Ironic people are camping out on a site proposed for more (expensive) "housing".

[Rose76]

Yesterday and today I felt lousy. Just apathetic. Not even dressed. I'm not doing myself any good.

[3rd rock]

I just learned it's going to be like five more weeks before I can get into detox. When I first got in contact with detox and got on their list, nobody told me I had to be approved to enter a treatment program before I could enter detox. And now I just wonder why. I had thought I was no more than a week away. I feel so hopeless. I am in such a dark place. I need help and it's just taking so long to get it. What's even the point if I'm just going to be on an endless wait list??

Quite a day for me. I got up early to do the laundry. That went alright. After that I went shopping and then on the way home my car was acting funny. So I had it repaired and it was pretty expensive. I didn't expect something to go wrong with my car since there was no warning. And then I got notice that my rent will increase monthly in June. So this afternoon I feel like I'm being smoked financially. My income isn't increasing, that's for sure!