Spending too much time alone.

My longtime love and companion died 3 years ago. The first few months were so awful that I wanted to die. But I was not without hope. I believed I would recover from the awfulness of grief, and I did. A year after I had lost him, I was able to look at pictures of him and smile. I got through the holidays pretty well. Even the first two Christmases were okay.

It's three and a half years now, and I'm not okay. I was not okay this past Christmas. Some of the family support had gone away. Today is a holiday, and I'm not okay.

This morning I was dreaming about him. I was trying to find him, but I couldn't. I was at a hospital, going from floor to floor, looking for him. But I couldn't find him. I was so worried about him. I thought that he must be wondering where I am. I just couldn't find him. Then I woke up.

My problem is that I stay home by myself way too much. I know I should go get involved in something. When I am with others, I do feel okay. But that's not very often. I avoid others, even my neighbors. I was always socially phobic. But I used to fight it. I used to make myself go out. I used to volunteer. Now I don't want to do anything. Most of all, I don't want to be around people. At the same time, I don't want to be alone so much.

I'm getting worried that I'm not going to find a way out of this isolation. Yet I realize I'm not even trying. I just have no faith that I will make any meaningful connections to other people. I think about suicide. Mainly I just want to not feel so awful. I wish I could take some drugs that would make me feel good. Psych drugs don't help. I tried plenty of them. I don't enjoy drinking, except one glass of wine with dinner. I feel like there's no escape. My only consolation is remembering that I won't live forever. Eventually this will all be over with. Until then, all I want to do is sleep. I'm spending half the day in bed, day after day.

@Rose76 I am sorry you are feeling so low. You are correct that spending isolation time alone can actually make depression worse. Grief can be delayed so it is not unusual to have it crop up again after a few years.

I know from my own experience that social interaction IRL is not always easy, so my work around to that is to spend more time on mental health sites and take an interest in others.

I applaud your determination to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I try to give myself little projects that I know I can complete to help me feel even a little better about myself.

hope you get the feeling of being okay grieving even if others do not understand why this is so difficult for you. How does the idea of a therapist sound?

@CANDC

I would try it. My provider told me twice she would refer me, but I've not heard anything.

I know my problem is lack of social connection. I know the remedy is to seek out things to do, like volunteering, or fitness activities, or clubs for particular intetests. I just don't manage to make myself get out and try things. I guess it's anxiety about not feeling I'll fit in and be accepted.

From your posts here I think you sound lovely, educated, intelligent and interesting/interested - my inkling is that there are people out there who would enjoy your company very much. I know this mightn’t be helpful but I felt like I wanted to say it anyway.

How about just choosing one thing a week, doing that thing regardless of outcome just for the sake of it? Sometimes just doing things/activities alongside others rather than focusing on the interaction can be helpful. Something like a craft group or exercise class where you can interact as much or little as possible as you feel comfortable?

@Discombobulated - thank you for your kind and very encouraging comments. I think your advice is as good as any I'm likely to get from anywhere. It comes down to a matter of doing it. My life has been lived in such a way that I don't travel in circles where I meet anyone I share interests with to much of an extent. But that's me making excuses. Congenial companionship isn't going to show up at my door and ring my bell. It is up to me to make a move and not assume I know what it will lead to. That's how I talk myself out of doing anything constructive.

In fairness to myself, though, my pessimism didn't come down out of the blue. Just recently, I traveled a long distance to visit family. I left with cheerful expectations. My visit was kind of a flop. My family has a long history of tortured relationships. Before taking my trip, I had even attended Al-Anon meetings to try and bolster my awareness of how careful you have to be when you socialize around volatile, emotionally damaged people, and alcohol is flowing. I found a small group. I was forthcoming with my concerns and shared my history of being around both problem drinkers and severe alcoholics. Well, on my visit, I failed to be careful enough. I got irritated. I managed to irritate others. Unhappy drama ensued. I wish I had never gone. People were still nursing grievances from years past. I'm still shook up over it.

I know I have to put that behind me. Sometimes, close family is the last place you should go, looking for warmth and acceptance. In the past, I had better luck with extended family, but death has taken my favorites in recent years. I just have to get over all of that.

It also disappointed me that I didn't find anyone to talk to at the Al-Anon group. I'm breaking down bad just from writing this. I have to put stuff behind me. When something doesn't work out, you have to move on and try something else. I keep telling myself that.

I have to try more things and not assume I'll just be disappointed.

I appreciate the responses to my thread.

I will pick something soon and do it. Terribly hot weather is sapping my energy. I will resolve to do something.

Yesterday and today were awful bad. Nothing was wrong, except inside of me. I have to stop staying alone. I think about how bad my trip to visit family went, and I get torn up inside with grief. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I have to remember that this mental storm is likely to blow over. Then I have to act constructively, so I'm not living such a bereft existance. I say this, but what echoes back is just despair.

the day my hubby of 40 yrs passed away 4 yrs & 3 months ago the person i was & the life i lead & the world as i knew it shattered into dust and disappeared. i go thru the motions on autopilot now and while im not suicidal, if i didnt have my pets to take care of id have no reason or desire to keep living.

@Que Sera Sera -

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm very sorry that your grief is so profound and unrelenting. Pets do give one a purpose. They depend so utterly on you. You mean the world to them, and I'm glad you have them. I don't know if yours have fur, feathers, scales or what. (I'ld be interested, if you'ld care to tell.) I think all of them have a range of behaviors from comical to sweet to brave and bold. (Well, maybe the fish have less.) I suspect you have a warm blooded pet.

Even a warm blooded pet with an almost human personality does not take the place of a human spouse. I'm old enough to have lost quite a number of people that I loved, as I'm sure is true of you. The loss of your beloved companion whom you made a home and shared your life with has a finality to it that no other loss equals. Not usually.

I had gotten to where my loss didn't feel so cruelly all-encompassing, as what you describe. Oh, in the beginning I wanted to die. But I did get beyond that. I spent 3 years feeling comforted by my far away family and looking forward to visiting them. Finally, circumstances permitted me to make that trip. The reunion didn't go so smoothly. It went nothing like what I had envisioned, partly my own fault for some careless remarks I made. I feel devastated by the outcome.

I could adjust to the man who loved me being gone. I feel like I still have that love. He never revoked it. It feels eternal. I'm having a way harder time adjusting to a family I thought loved me possibly not even liking me.

It has devastated me. They don't even know I'm devastated. I think about telling them, but that might not go over well. They were all I had. I have no one else.

I phoned my sister. It was very hard to do that. She didn't pick up, which is ok. It's late there. Or she may be involved in family doings. She's heavily depended on. I feel like I made a start. I may text her that there's nothing to be concerned about . . . just that I'm sorry for causing hard feelings.

Now I don't really feel any better.

I feel the same. I can't tell if it is a normal feeling for this stage in my life or if there is something wrong. I went to a therapist and I didn't feel she was helpful. Most of the time she told me my reasons were normal. She would tell me to go out and do things but was as if she had never done them herself so she didn't know how outlandish / silly they were. Ie. tell me to go out and make friends... where?

Over mylife time I have tried with groups of people and often people "say" they want a group but when it comes down to it they go find a relative or a boyfriend to use.

I feel like I am falling into a phobia but I just don't have the energy to fight it anymore. I just don't feel like talking with people. 99% of the time they make me feel bad or otherwise push me into doing things I don't want.

I can't even talk to people at stores anymore. I went to sign up at the gym and the lady behind the counter was so stupid and creepy. I am sure she charged me wrong for the gym membership and I couldn't get her to focus on doing it right. I just wanted away from her so badly. Primary because I felt like I was going to yell at her. But also, I just didn't want to talk and I felt frustrated... why do have to deal with this person? Why can't I find people to "Help" me.

I went to a shelter this week for pets and the girls were just so unhelpful. I thought I would be able to just go in and look around but they have this insane system where you have to write your name down and get in line and one person at a time in the room and if you see an animal you want you can ask them to take it out... OMG -- at this point I had lost all patience with the entire thing.

I just don't want to be around people anymore. I am tried of jumping through the hoops. It is the rare occassion where anything goes right.

I don't feel like suicide but I feel like just never leaving my house. There is nothing out there that is worth it anymore.

@NatalieJastrow - You do sound depressed. I spent plenty of time in therapy in years past. I never found where it made any difference in my life. I thought the therapists were well intentioned, but any insights I've gained, I figured out on my own.

People can drain you. I need to find people to connect with. I've been kind of a magnet for people who are starved for attention or greedy for more. They want to tell me the story of their lives, but don't reciprocate and listen to me. Like my nextdoor neighbor. She told me I was alone too much and encouraged me to stop by for coffee. I was doing that for a while. But she wore me out. She's very negative. She constantly had grievances. She wanted constant sympathy. But she was utterly uninterested in hearing anything about me. I stopped going over there. I'm sure she now thinks I'm stuck up or weird. I don't care. I can't let people select me. I have to start doing the selecting. Otherwise, I get used.

I have to try different clubs and activities. It means forcing myself. Right now, it just feels too hot.

I feel the same way even though I haven't had a love in a long time. I find myself realizing that I spend a lot of time alone. I like having alone times but I don't like it being that way all of the time. Years ago I've seen some therapists but they have been no help. They would always tell me to get out there; and I did, but it didn't help me that much. I workout at home and never liked the gyms. I prefer to workout at home and not have stimulation and drama around me. And I listen to the kind of music I like instead of the crappy stuff they play at the gyms.

I feel like it's wrong to be alone a lot but then I don't what to do about it. I don't have motivation to get out there and at times I don't care if being alone becomes a crisis for me. Believe it or not, I don't even go out to eat or get a take-out. I was friendly with a neighbor of mine but I gave up on him because I got to know him better and realized he was a jerk. I bumped into him one time and we just had some small talk. He asked me what do I do with myself during the days. I don't feel comfortable with that question. But I told him what I do. And then he said, "you can't live like a hermit". After he said that I told him that I didn't appreciate his comment. He almost cried after that.

As an older man as myself, I find that making friends with other guys around my age is hard. There are some single guys around my age who live at my place but I find them to be weird. Well maybe I am, too. When I was younger, it seemed like I met real cool guys. But now they seem like zombies. So, I don't know!

I'ld say I like more solitude than most people do. I can also tolerate enforced aloneness better than the average person. But I'm human, and I like to be with other people. I've always been alone more than I wanted to be.

I think we get disenchanted with venturing past our front door, after years of failure to cultivate nice friendships. The people I find who are easiest to get involved with are often needy persons looking to glom on to someone. Recently, someone I met at work 20 years ago and became friendly with started calling me. She moves in and out of town frequently. She takes a job in another state, becomes unhappy, moves back, and repeats the cycle. This time, when she came back, she dropped in on her brother. He put her up for a while, but then told her to find a place and get out. That's when she started calling me. At first, she talked about wanting us to meet for lunch. I thought that would be nice. Soon she was asking me how many bedrooms I had and did I need any help with chores around my place. (It's just a one bedroom apt.) She was in a temporary, short-term, housing situation that was costing her a lot, and she hated the place. I was afraid that, if I had her over, she might not want to leave. Her goal is to not have to live alone. She gets too lonely. She's had three husbands. She gets various relatives to host her for awhile. I think it's called "couch surfing." Recently she lived with a niece. These arrangements don't last, and she's on the road again. Last week she called her son in a neighboring state to ask if she could rent an unused part of his large house. Her request was declined. I'm kind of sorry for her, but she creates her own misery by not living in a more stable fashion. Her income is bigger than mine. 3 years ago she was in what I thought was a nice apt. She decided it had some bizarre mold problem and moved out. I was there a few times and saw nothing wrong with the place. She finds fault anywhere she goes. Always the grass looks greener elsewhere. Since I'm not inviting her to stay with me, she phones me, and wants to keep me on the phone forever. She does 95% of the talking - usually about how mistreated she's been all her life.

I was alone on 4rth of July, and felt bad. I thought I could have invited her over for a meal. Then we could have driven somewhere with a view of the city fireworks. I told myself that maybe I was foolish to not make the best of some companionship that was available. But I didn't. It might have been better for me to have any company, rather than none. The idea just didn't appeal to me.

I know I need to explore what goes on in my city. There's plenty of stuff that does. I know what I need to do. It's hard to have any faith that I won't feel not really wanted wherever I go. I've always felt that way. With the visit to family not going well, something in me crumbled.

I have to uncrumble myself somehow. I keep breaking down sobbing just from expressing these feelings. It makes me almost wish I was dead. If I take a shower, get dressed and start tidying up my place, I possibly could start to feel better. I don't even know what day of the week today is. That's how cut off I've been for days . . . no one to talk to. Never heard back from my sister. Don't think I will. That shouldn't matter so much. I need to build connections here where I live.

I can relate to all of this. Everyone wants to make me feel bad for wanting to be in my house. Why is that not a legit choice? I think it almost makes me more wanting to do it. I can't understand the question either because at 50+ It isn't as if I have never done anything in my life? I have traveled... I have had pets... kind of done 80% of what I want to do. I am starting to wonder if people who say things are just trying to be mean.

I also don't go out to eat anymore... and you know, mostly it is because I don't love the food.

I have similar situation where I live.. there are about 15+ single women where I live. But 8 or so of them are weird and the other 8 are just not interested in being friends with me. They have sisters / brothers / friends they want to be with.

Yeh I have a friend who calls me every night and she cannot stop stating the same things. When I start talking we just go back there. I told her that she is hurting herself by not moving forward. But I think the reality is that she IS moving forward... she just uses me to be the person to dump this on.

Kind of have to keep her as a friend because I don't have many others.

That question doesn't sound very nice to me. That's not a polite to way to make friendly chit-chat. He was backing you into a corner, so he could critique your response. I would just answer, "Oh, I keep busy with this and that." - which is tantamount to saying "Eff off."

Not having children puts me in a minority category. It's getting less and less rare, but it's a bit different. As most people get older, they have kids who have kids. An older person like that has their own tribe to be involved with, along with their spouse . . . and, maybe, their own still-living parents. It is very hard to build your own "family" from scratch.

I still think I need to give things a try. I will.

That sounds like my situation. I just have one local friend and that's it. If I were to let him go (in which I have a few times because I got fed up with him), then I don't have anyone else except for an old college friend who is 3000 miles away. He's not a real good friend. It seems like he disagrees with me on everything and discounts on how I feel. I'd love to get rid of him but there's no one else I can replace him with.

Today has been very bad. The lady I know who is on the verge of homelessness called me. I listened to her for 1 hour and 20 minutes. She chats non-stop. I had felt so alone that I was kind of glad to get a phone call from anyone. After that call I felt even worse than I did. It wasn't a conversation because she has no interest in anything I might say. So I just listen, while she rattles away. She discussed various conspiracy theories like how the COVID vaccines have killed people, and how there is no COVID anymore. She thinks the medical establishment is plotting to do evil things, like killing babies with vaccines.

I'm a mess now. I don't know what to do . . . how to get out of this morass I'm in.c

{{}}} I hear you. My friend too... she calls and talks to me for HOURS at a time. If I am honest she probably derailed my last diet because the time I would have spent working out I spent to talking to her.

And always the same subject matter. When I start talking... she needs to go.

Maybe look at it like you are doing a good thing for the world taking that burden off her? That is how I try to look at it.

Funny thing is that there's a woman who lives at my place with I talk to at times. I don't like her that much, but she would talk my ears off when I see her. She would never ask me how I'm doing, or when I mention something that's happening to me, she has no comment and then reverts back to talking about her problems quickly. Also she told me that her new lease will not be renewed. In other words, she's being tossed out because she has caused problems with the other tenants and her conduct. I wonder if you and I are acquainted with that same woman?

I sometimes feel bad about myself when I get sucked into talking to someone who appears to be nice and happy and then end up sorry that I spent a little time with them.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. It's after 1 a.m. and I still haven't gone to bed.

I can't change anything in the past, even if that were as recent as yesterday.

Twelve hours ago I practically lost my mind. I have had lots of bad depressive episodes. I've always recovered. I probably will again.