Hating life

Yet, I doubt anyone truly cares.

In fact, pretty sure most ppl laugh at my emotional suffering - simply because it's not theirs, so it doesn't matter.

Why can't I just be allowed to "be" .. why do I have to jump through so many hoops just to be allowed to live?

Why doesn't anyone care?

I hate this life.

What hoops, exactly?

I think the newer generations are against doing a lot of hoop-jumping, like having to go in to a job. They film themselves doing whatever and put it on the internet and thats "work". I dont know whether to be impressed or depressed.

Crypts,

This is your depression talking. Pay no heed.

Crypts, can you promise me that tomorrow you will do one small task or activity that you enjoy. Many times a good day starts with 5 minutes of doing something al little bit different. Something small but enjoyable for five minutes.. You might have to fake it til you make it for a bit, but that's okay.

Good night and I will check in with you tomorrow
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I know it's depression talking, but knowing that does not help me.

I cannot promise that, no, bc truth be told, I rarely have any time to do anything other than deliveries, cashier, clean house, eat, sleep, etc - those "essential" things. My days and nights are full. I generally get up at 10am, work at one job or another til midnight (with a couple breaks to eat), watch some shows on my phone to unwind, go to sleep around 3am, start all over again at 10am.

You are absolutely right. When i was working (im 73 now), Oprah used to say to count your blessing, keep a gratitude journal. All i could come up with is that i wasnt sharing my small apartment with 14 Russians. I still dream (or nightmare) about working. And things are getting scarier.

Sorry I did not see this earlier. Rest assured also, I am from the generation known as generation x .. I was born in 1974, just turned 51 a couple days ago. I have a strong work ethic, however, for 17 years I was simply in disability bc any amount of stress caused me to attempt suicide .. so every three months I would be in the mental hospital for anywhere from three days to three weeks. Two years ago, it became impossible for my husband and I to continue surviving off just disability. Since he has had two strokes and a heart attack, I was the only logical choice to go on the "ticket to work" program and return to work. The program allows you to go to work and retain your disability payments and insurance a time. I have reached the part in the program where I no longer receive the payments but am still receiving the insurance. The catch? I only make $10/hr with no chance of ever receiving a promotion, and been being promised a raise the last 6 months, but have yet to see it. My rent is $900. My utilities cost over $100. Food averages for the two of us at $450. Car payment is $486. Car insurance is $115. Phone bill is $105. I also have to pay to keep my medical insurance through disability, so that's another $186. Then, we have loan payments and pawn payments that run us about $500. These are all monthly payments. Our doctor visits and medications run us anywhere from $100-$200 a month.

The deliveries I do are for Walmart, through a company called Spark. Used to earn really good money that way - enough to squeak by, anyway. Now, I am lucky to make enough for my husband and I to eat one meal and fill up the tank with gas.

Yet, the government says between he and I we make too much as a married couple to qualify for food stamps or any other assistance.

I keep trying to do what I know I need to do to survive, yet the proverbial bar keeps being raised higher and higher, keeping it just out of my reach.

On top of all this, I am the caregiver for my husband and I am the only one able to still clean house or take our dog out for walks, etc.

Does that explain it better?

Some days, the only blessings I can find are that I have breath in my lungs and a beat in my heart.. and now there are days I have to work hard to convince myself those are really blessings and not curses.

That's a start!! I'm in no way trying to minimize your feelings. Do you get any days off ?

My days off from cashiering, I still have to do deliveries to survive .. so, no

Are there food pantries in your area? Altho often the hours are inconvenient, they take a long time, and the do require a car.

There are pantries, yes. We have done those in the past and honestly, most of the things they give us we are not able to eat due to our medical issues, but if we have to again, we will revert back to it