Hating myself and my life today

Waiting for news on a job, which I know I won't get because I never get anything good in my life. Worst case scenario, all the time. But yet I wait anxiously because deep down I'm stupidly hopeful that maybe this time will be different. And when it turns out to be just the same as every other time, I'm going to hate myself even more. Can't stop thinking about a friend who recently left me either, that if only I were better, if I weren't so worthless and horrible and despicable that she would have stayed. That if she, who knew me best and knew of my struggles couldn't stay by me, then I really must be the lowest of the low. No wonder nothing good happens in my life, why I have to struggle constantly, etc, it's my punishment for being who I am. It's to the point that I think, if only I could find a way to punish myself more, then maybe I'll have served my karmic jail time and good things will happen? Until then I have to hold onto and nurture this self-hatred so I get what I deserve. I hate living my life like this, but I feel like I can't let it go, if I do I won't "serve my time" and nothing good will come to me.

Just the fact that you are anxious and hoping that this time will be different is enough to know that you have not given up on yourself yet.

I just quit a fabulous once in a lifetime opportunity because of my recent relapse. Sometimes I wonder why why why can't I just be like other people and truly believe I deserve good things. Thing is, even if good things happen to me, I screw it up anyways with my negativity and self loathing.

Hang in there and I hope things work out for you.

Yes, but how stupid am I for not just giving up? I know how it will turn out. I know how it always turns out. Yet I continue to hope for different and am therefore continuously disappointed. Giving up would be the smart thing to do.

I'm sorry about your job. I agree with the wish to believe I deserve good things, although most of the time it is just disbelief that others can't understand how I think I don't deserve things. They all get good and positive things, so it is easy for them to believe there is no deserving or undeserving. But when all you get is bad, then there must be a reason. the only reason is that I am undeserving. They just can't understand that.

What do you feel that you deserve?

You're not stupid for not giving up, it means your a strong person
And by not giving up on yourself that shows that you know deep down that you do deserve something good and you are holding on to that, which is brilliant and you should give yourself more credit than you do for that!

Days like this suck, I'm sorry your having a hard time xoxo

Still down? It's another day....

Believe it or not I know how you feel. and you know what... YOU deserve this Job Redd. You're not stupid for trying. You have more courage than I do to put yourself out there and try. That takes courage! Give yourself credit!

I'd like to think I deserve good things. Happiness. A secure job. Money to do things. Friends to do things with. But I never get any of those things, so I mustn't deserve them. If I deserved them, then I would have them.

Yes. I didn't get the job, I was stupid for even thinking I might, and was just disappointed again. And yes, its another day, another day with no improvement in my life, just the loss of more hope and spirit. Nothing to be happy about.

Thank you for the words, but I did not get the job. Therefore, I did not deserve it. I was stupid for trying, because it just got me disappointment. More proof of how much of a failure and loser I am. I keep waiting for something to prove differently, but it never happens. I just want to give up.

You not getting the job, may not have been about you. I've filled out dozens of apps, gotten interviews, and not gotten the job. It's tough out there. It's NOT a reflection on who YOU ARE. I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with self-value issues myself. The key is to not let the external mess or change our self image.

You aren't stupid for trying at all, your motivation for trying to better yourself and seeking for what you deserve is something that all of us on here will certainly look up to you for doing!

it wasnt you that didnt deserve the job, it was the job that didnt deserve you!

Well. That is a big issue of mine. I don't have any self image really. I don't do much of anything just for me. I never have. Friends and my husband often comment that I don't really have any interests. I don't do anything just because. I will if it serves a purpose, like gets me to meet people, or will make other people proud. Everything I have done in my life is to meet some one else's expectations or to get attention. I honestly don't know how to be any different. What I am is what other people think.

Thank you for your kind words. I know you are right, but yet I just can't believe it.

That sounds like you're describing me as well. I do the same thing!

Do you want to know another piece of advice that changed someones life for the better?

Can you read my signature that says 'There's a difference between believing that you can't, and knowing that you can..?'

One of my old T's said this to me one day and all of a sudden I started to understand my frame of mind. Believing is a state of mind that we develop cognitively, it just tells you that your holding on to alot of negativity and not facing the reality of things. Step out of your mind and face the facts honey, change that negative belief and match it with the positive 'knowing' that the rest of the world see you as. xx

I know what you are trying to say, but I don't see how it applies here. I don't know that I can. You say face the facts. The facts are that no one sees it, my best friend left me, I have been screwed over majorly for jobs in the past two months. As in call from the boss, we'd love to have you here please apply, and then I don't even get called for an interview. I interview for another job, I think everything goes great, yet no job. So obviously I wasn't good enough. What I am, is not good enough. Those are the facts. so how am I supposed to be positive and "know" i'm good when everything proves me otherwise? The rest of the world doesn't see me as good, or I would have these jobs, or I wouldn't be losing my friends. That is the reality.

Now, I list these few examples because they are the most recent. The truth is it has been 5 years now of constant downhill. Lost jobs, losing supports and friends, hubby attempting suicide, trying to retrain and can't get a job, promises of full time that end with firing, every. single. thing. I get hopeful for not only doesn't turn out, it is worse than I could imagine. What other reason could there be for 5 years of this with no let up, than I don't deserve it? Why wouldn't I deserve it? I mustn't be good enough.

Believe it!!!!!!!

Albert Einstein - "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

Then what hope do I have when I live in the forest with no ocean in sight?

First, you dont' know that. If you actually knew the future and the outcome, you wouldn't even be here contemplating and hanging onto hope. Based on experience, most people have more rejections in job hunting than positive acceptance. It's truly a rare person who gets multiple job offers from interviews. That's a fact of life. All it takes is one job saying yes. Even if it is not this one, it's not the end of the world. Hang onto hope but don't put all of your hopes into one thing happening. You'll always be defeated worse if you do when it doesn't come to pass the way you are hoping.

It is never stupid to hope. Hope is what keeps us from sinking completely and giving up. There is no wisdom in just giving up on something you cannot know the outcome of yet. So hang onto that hope. It will only feed your failure mentality and drive you further into darkness.

No, she sounds like she made a choice and that is all on her. NO one lives up to the expectations does everything right. A true friend knows this and sticks around in spite of one's failings. Period. This is not a reflection of your worth but hers as a friend. You don't "win" friends, you don't buy them, you don't do things "right" to make them stay. They either are your friends because you are you or they leave because their friendship was based on something other than what real friendship is based on. Don't place too much weight on other people's staying or leaving to make you feel worthy or unworthy.

Simple answer for this one. This is purely depression and your faulty thinking at work. Although I've been there and understand completely what you're seeing/thinking/feeling, truth is, it's not at all true. You have to divert your focus on things that are not failures and disappointments, but alas, we come to the root of the problem - that is changing your thinking which is what all of us are here for in the first place, so I'm not saying it's easy...

The only jailtime you are serving is that of your own making. NO one is holding the key to the cell but yourself and there is no sentence. You will forever be holding yourself back as long as you look at it as if after you've beat yourself up you'll be better. No truly you'll only be more battered in the end, not happier.

Look this is not just someone with a lot of platitudes to throw at you and stuff. I have been through the ringer and have struggled on and off for quite some time. I do know how you feel and my heart goes out to you for the struggle you are in but I just tell you these things from what I've figured out and learned and have grown (or at leat for the most part) from.

Hope this helps
~S4

First, you dont' know that. If you actually knew the future and the outcome, you wouldn't even be here contemplating and hanging onto hope. Based on experience, most people have more rejections in job hunting than positive acceptance. It's truly a rare person who gets multiple job offers from interviews. That's a fact of life. All it takes is one job saying yes. Even if it is not this one, it's not the end of the world. Hang onto hope but don't put all of your hopes into one thing happening. You'll always be defeated worse if you do when it doesn't come to pass the way you are hoping.

Actually I do, because nothing ever works out. I was perfect for this job. Over qualified even, and because it was so perfect, of course it wouldn't work out. I heard officially today that I did not get it. That makes two years of constantly applying for work in my field, and not one job to show for it. I am now on year 5 of nothing working out in all the other aspects of my life. Someone I know, her favourite quote is the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over expecting different results. I keep trying to get ahead, I just get shoved further behind. It's been 5 years, 2 years specifically with jobs. At what point is it enough and I give up?


It is never stupid to hope. Hope is what keeps us from sinking completely and giving up. There is no wisdom in just giving up on something you cannot know the outcome of yet. So hang onto that hope. It will only feed your failure mentality and drive you further into darkness.

I held on to a bit of hope until I got the call today that I did not get the job. In the very minute before I got the call, I was praying to God to please, please, please let this one thing work out, for me and for my family. Pleading with Him over and over to just give me one thing. Then my phone rang, and I was told no.


No, she sounds like she made a choice and that is all on her. NO one lives up to the expectations does everything right. A true friend knows this and sticks around in spite of one's failings. Period. This is not a reflection of your worth but hers as a friend. You don't "win" friends, you don't buy them, you don't do things "right" to make them stay. They either are your friends because you are you or they leave because their friendship was based on something other than what real friendship is based on. Don't place too much weight on other people's staying or leaving to make you feel worthy or unworthy.

Oh no, this was all on me, and she has made sure to tell me so. I treated her horribly, and she gave me fair warning. She had issues in her life, yet I continued to act as if mine were more important and I fought against her. It is all on me, all my fault. She agrees, and so does a mutual friend. Yes, it was her decision, but her decision was made as a result of my actions. This was the first person who I ever felt actually cared for me as I was. My first and only true friend in all my 30 odd years. She was and is the one person in this world that knows me best, and she left. That definitely shows that I became and/or am unworthy.


Simple answer for this one. This is purely depression and your faulty thinking at work. Although I've been there and understand completely what you're seeing/thinking/feeling, truth is, it's not at all true. You have to divert your focus on things that are not failures and disappointments, but alas, we come to the root of the problem - that is changing your thinking which is what all of us are here for in the first place, so I'm not saying it's easy...

I don't have one thing to divert my attention to, that is not a failure. I often feel that if I had just one thing. One thing to hold onto and build from, that I could pull myself out of this hole. Unfortunately that one thing never comes. even when I bed and plead to God for it, I'm not allowed to have it.


The only jailtime you are serving is that of your own making. NO one is holding the key to the cell but yourself and there is no sentence. You will forever be holding yourself back as long as you look at it as if after you've beat yourself up you'll be better. No truly you'll only be more battered in the end, not happier.

I know that this is of my own making, but if I don't do it, how will I be forgiven? I have horrible guilt and shame over this friend of mine, and she will never talk to me again. I can never get forgiveness from her. If I don't do my time, How will God give me good things in my life? I haven't earned them yet, or I would have them.


Look this is not just someone with a lot of platitudes to throw at you and stuff. I have been through the ringer and have struggled on and off for quite some time. I do know how you feel and my heart goes out to you for the struggle you are in but I just tell you these things from what I've figured out and learned and have grown (or at leat for the most part) from.

I can tell from your responses that you have been there before, and I truly appreciate you taking the time to address my issues. In some ways, I know you are right, but honestly I refuse to accept it because then I will just think I deserve more than I get, and then I will only be more disappointed when I don't get it.