Weird

I always get diagnosed as depressed in therapy but im never really sure i agree. For instance when im really bad, for me, i can still have a good time and joke around but in the back of my head ill be plotting self destructive things. Now im really having fun as i laugh but in my head i know ive already lost and theres no hope for a positive future. It probably sounds nice compared to what some go through but its hard for me. I guess i feel abnormal even with depression. Do others do similar things like this?

((((((Defective))))))))))

Not weird at all. I act happy on the outside (and can sometimes trick myself into thinking I actually am) ... but the minute I'm alone, the world falls to pieces again, and the stuff running around in my head (the bad stuff) makes an appearance.

Same here defective. I'm a terrific actor and yes, I can even get to where I believe my own performance for a time, but I can't sustain it. That cold feeling is always lurking somewhere near my spine.

It is hard and what you're going through is every bit as worthy of help and support as anyone elses problems.

Cyran0

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Defective said:
Now im really having fun as i laugh but in my head i know ive already lost and theres no hope for a positive future.

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There is always hope while we breathe even when we feel hopeless. I know of this paradox,,I have been hopeless but still kept breathing in hope of hope.

And it came.

But I had to wait and the waiting is sometimes the most awfull part. Patience is truely a virtue and one that has always come hard to me.

But I am learning slowly about clocks and how we all have one inside of us that has little to do with the one on the wall. It tics and it tocs but often to a beat of a far away drummer,,one that is connected to a world of events that I am still not conscious of...

And I wait again...

Waiting is not wrong, even the heart waits for the signal to beat again..

Lenny

Thats kind of funny in its own weird way. Its as exactly as you said Christina and Cyran0. I can put up the act enough to convince myself but it is lurking and when I am alone is when it comes for me. On the other hand i strive to be alone as often as possible. Not much sense for me to do that but I do so anyway. I tell myself its the only time I can truly relax.

Lenny, I like the hoping for hope line. It fits me pretty well. I hope that this therapist will be the magic wand, this med, this month, this year even. Patience for the unknown is truly a virtue. If someone told me next decade will be the time, I could wait. Its the not knowing if its in the cards at all that makes patience truly hard.

Thanks to all for the responses

Hey, dont be hard on yourself, many people are feeling the way you do. Not weird at all. Nope