[Wants22Fly]

I am struggling to find reasons why life is worth living. For a while, being in New Orleans seemed worthwhile. The past few days, the city seems dirty, old, crumbly, crime-ridden. I wonder why I am here. I wonder if I should go back to South Florida or on to Austin, where there are active Sufi communities. Sufis in S. Fla really supported me last year when so much bad happened, and I changed to that religion. The past few days, I haven't even been praying very much. I usually write three journal pages in the morning, but I couldn't today. Of course, there is no morning for me, because I am sleeping very late.

I don't know what to do or how to be in life.

The car repair is expensive -- so much money going out, nothing coming in.

Oh, yeah, this is Wants2Fly. The forums wouldn't let me log in as Wants2Fly this morning or send me a temporary password. I don't know what's going on with my account. Maybe I don't exist anymore.

[lenjan]

Yeah, I don't know what's up with the forums either -- I've had a weird day with it too.

As for reasons to live -- here's one: You help me! I really value the support you've given me. In the past, I have made pacts, when suicidal or severely depressed, that I would live for them until I could find the strength to live for myself. Often when you think life isn't worth living, other people think differently for you!

Hang in there.

Candy

[Wants22Fly]

The depression is severe. I lay in bed in a fetal position, wishing time and existence would go away and stop bothering me. I sleep as much as possible. I clutch a child’s toy that I’ve had for 50 years, a beat-up stuffed Lassie dog, a totem for luck or comfort, I guess. Stupid.

I want to run away to somewhere I can feel safe, only there is no place. Wherever I go, there I am, and I do not want to spend time with me anymore.

Yesterday, I did nothing, really. I got the car to the shop, where it remains. I came home and slept some more. I proscrastinate about moving my banking to New Orleans, because I’ve got to start tapping the home equity for living expenses, and I wanted to save it for the down payment on another home.

I fantasize about moving to Austin, and being a part of a loving Sufi community, knowing that I can be alone in the midst of a crowd, and lonely, and sad.

I wish I could call my brother to ask for help, but he despises my depression. I can’t burden my aging mother and her sisters with this. I have no friends who are willing or able to help.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to monitor my meds, but I don’t even know if I’ll still be in New Orleans by then. If I am, it will be inertia that keeps me here as much as anything. Two weeks from now to see him seems an eternity. Yesterday I played electronic solitaire and watched reruns on TV. I didn’t make needed phone calls. I didn’t look for work.

Perhaps I’m not eating enough and that affects my energy level. I am very tired now, at 9:30 a.m., after nine hours or so of sleep. I feel as if I have absolutely nothing to look forward to but struggle and a downward slide in life with no happy ending. Even my therapists say things like, "Well, maybe you'll have a lesser job and lesser money, and a smaller home, but you'll really like your job and find friends and be happy."

They should try losing everything they've worked for all their lives and have somebody telling them that maybe they'll be happy despite all the loss. Ooopps, my anger is coming out.

[Wants22Fly]

Talked with my T today about going to Austin, and he suggested that I investigate what might be attractive to me there, in addition to the Sufi community. I didn't know many people in Florida, mostly new Sufi friends, but there seemed to be general agreement that I should not make any more changes in my life by moving away from familiar So. Florida.

But I feel a big NO in my heart about going back. Maybe Austin, I don't know.

In two weeks, my meds will be re-evaluated, so it will be good to get a 2nd opinion about the med schedule I left Florida with.

[dexter]

W2F

I know things seem to be more confusing and depression make it feel more and more hopeless... but I see you "getting second opinions" and considering alternatives and I believe that as long as we can see our options, we can always keep moving, and always keep living.

You also have at least one "answer" in your heart. As long as you have your friend in there offering its opinion and helping your brain see the "rightness" of things through its depressed, muddled, logic... there is hope.

But I do know that it feels bad. Depression just plain feels bad. It hurts physically sometimes. Do what you have to to ride it out and get yourself feeling better. I am not a religious person in the strict sense but I do believe in having faith, in this case it is a faith very close to heart and mind... although your brain says it can never ever feel any better than this ever again, you have to hold faith that it can indeed, and use that faith to keep fighting for recovery. You can feel better.

{{{{{{{{Wants2Fly}}}}}}}}

[lost_lonely]

Hi Wants22Fly,

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you. I don't want you to think I don't care, actually it's just the opposite. I care about you a great deal, just like I care about all the wonderful people I've met here so far. I've been dealing with a lot of my own issues and struggling as well, so it might take a little time before I get around to replying to all the new posts.

I just wanted to tell you that are a great support and friend to so many people here, including me, so I think that is one reason to continue living. The depression tends to make us think otherwise, but in my moments of greater clarity I still realize that it is the reason for our destructive, unhappy thoughts.

I hope you realize how much you are wanted here. Take care of yourself and hang in there, even if it hurts. It is so worth it in the end. ((((((((Wants22Fly))))))))))

[shakes]

Wants2Fly,
I am so sorry that things are hard for you right now. You do matter and are very important. I am glad that you are seeking help from someone and are willing to talk about how you feel even though the depression is hard.

Please stay strong,
Jessica

[lostSANITY]

I've been feeling a lot like that lately, too. Honestly, the only thing that is keeping me from just giving up is everyone here. I mean, I don't really know anyone here, but reading your posts and seeing that I'm not alone, that somewhere, someone knows what I'm going through. I feel like I've grown to care about strangers that I won't ever meet or see, but somehow I care. And so it is with you. I've read lots of your posts and I'm sorry for not replying to them, but I appreciate you having the courage to post. So, I guess what I'm getting at is that you've got lots of people to live for who need you to be alive because you're supporting them without knowing that you are. Thank you and I hope you feel better.
*lostSANITY*