[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

*Maybe a trigger, I dunno*

There is no other word to describe what I feeel right now. I'm overcome with the feeling of purposelessness, not just personal, but universal purposelessness.

I had such a weird trigger today that set me off to bawling. I was microwaving some coffee, and ever since my mom died, my dad has let the house run down to hell, so there's crap everywhere. He's quite a packrat. Anyway, I couldn't open the microwave cuz this little orange thing was blocking the door. So I picked it up and looked at it: it was a toy from a Wendy's kid's meal I had gotten at least eight years ago. How it ended up there, I'll never know.

Anyway, I was looking through this little booklet of games (it was a little travel log for kids) and I stumbled across a crossword puzzle with my dad's writing. I looked at it, and he'd made a mistake on one of them. This is a crozzword puzzle intended for eight year olds and he still managed to get an answer wrong.

Anyway, that just made me remember how pathetic and empty his life is and has been. Not only is he doing crossword puzzles intended for kids, but he can't even do them right. I have a lot of anger issues with my dad, but nobody deserves to lead so pointless a life: he has no friends, his family hates him, He only works part time, and his only pastime is watching old "Green Acres" tapes and doing stupid little crossword puzzles. I feel so sorry for him...

Then that got me thinking about my mom (I guess this could fit in grief and loss, but whatever). She also led a miserable life. After marrying my dad, she had no friends or social life; her family didn't pay her any attention; she was so sick with heart and lung problems that she could rarely leave the house; and she died an early, painful death.

Their lives are/were without purpose, meaning, or enjoyment. They only had each other and me, and they spent so much time fighting that I practically didn't exist.

I'm just in such existential despair over this. This existence is all they'll ever know in regards to life, and they got royally gipped. Now I feel like it's my obligation to vindicate their horrible lives by making something big of myself, which puts a considerable deal of pressure on me. There seems to be no justice in the universe, no purpose, no meaning... only senseless suffering during an all-too-short period of existence, with the overbearing knowledge that one day we will be no more.

I'm in so much pain... I just really needed to get this out.

-J

[(JD)]

[Mouse_]

I've often thought, "whats the point, I'm going to die anyways", then I thought, "well I might as well enjoy it whilst I'm here, seems pretty pointless to punish myself because of something I have no control over, ie, my death...I think the answer is to begin to learn to just be and accept things outside of us we have no control over, our existence is about our emotional lifes I feel...if we can learn to remain clalm amidst the maddness then that is the point perhaps? I dunno

[ECHOES]

((((( Der_Sohn_des_Leides )))))

Quote from Yalom's book, "The Gift of Therapy"

"We humans appear to be meaning-seeking creatures who have had the misfortune of being thrown into a world devoid of intrinsic meaning. One of our major tasks is to invent a meaning sturdy enough to support a life and to perform the tricky maneuver of denying our personal authorship of this meaning. Thus we conclude that it was 'out there' waiting for us. Our ongoing search for substantial meaning systems often throws us into crises of meaning.
More individuals seek therapy because of concerns about meaning in life than therapists often realize."

So there is some aspect of 'learning' to do this, to assign meaning to our lives. I think it begins in our early life, as witnessed by how well our parents do this. I think if we don't get to have that experience, then we have to learn it somewhere else like in therapy, where we can explore what we learned and maybe more important, what we didn't learn. I know for me that therapy is helping with the feelings of puposelessness, pointlessness, hopelessness, emptiness, uselessness.... I often still feel like I don't exist outside of therapy, but in that relationship, in that room, I do feel like I exist, I matter.

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

Thanks for replying, _Sky, Mouse_, and ECHOES. I really needed to get that out.

My problem isn't with struggling to find purpose in MY life, or dealing with the cold, hard reaity that there is no intrinsic meaning to life and that leaves me responsible to invent my own; I'm an existentialist, so to a certain point, I embrace that fact and rejoice in it.

What I can't deal with is the irrevocable suffering of my mom's life, the pathetic nature of my dad's current and most likely future life. It seems so unjust... as I said, I expect no justice from this absolutely neutral universe. But as a human being who has a sense of right and wrong, pain and pleasure, for better or for worse I hurt because they suffer/ed and I have practically no power to change that. They failed, perhaps not of their own accord but failed nonetheless, to establish a meaning for their lives, and it's tough for me to deal with that.

I don't know, I'm just in one of those moods, I guess. Any support is deeply appreciated.

(((((hugs)))))

Thanks,



J

[ECHOES]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have practically no power to change that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think your struggle is here.
You actually have no power to change that but wish you did.

[MotherMarcus]

I've too have felt like that. I call it an "Existential Bummer" . Not sure how, but I made it through.

[stefano]

Yes, I see cosmic senselessness too. Not onnly I see my life (and yes, even my parents' ones) totally pathetic, but also I can't see how any life could be GOOD. I suppose those who feel good are belssed with some kind of physiological madness tat let's them go lighthearted.

Not very supportive, uh? Well, relating to others' problems may be useful too. At least they say so.

Good luck

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( Der_Sohn_des_leides ))))))))))))))

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

In so much pain right now... Even more on top of what I posted. This might be better in SI or drug/alcohol abuse, but I drank about 15 drinks and took a xanax on top of that to kill the pain.

I feel so f'ing hopeless...

please anybody help...

[Mouse_]

If your drinking and drugging you will never find your purpose in life..infact your drinking and drugging depends on keeping you where you are, ie, hopeless. If your serious about wanting find a purpose then it begins by getting rid of the addictions, I know I've been there.

Good luck.

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

I know, Mouse_. I shouldn't have even posted that, it was selfish of me and I was not in the right state of mind.

As I said, I'm not upset about purposelessness in my own life; I'm an existentialist, and I love being the author of my own purpose; and judging by my success at college, I think I'm doing a good job.

I just can't take the suffering of my parents. Further, I've been having issues with unrequited love... But whatever. I'm okay. Thanks for the support; I don't think I have a major addiction problem; I do, though, have problem abusing alcohol every so often (I only drink a couple times a month).

Thanks for your support,



J

[nowheretorun]

hi Der.... dont let an occasional slip backwards or pressure relieving exercize sway you on the path.. stay focused and forward overall, measure your place with where you want to go, you will get there... think positive

[Fuzzybear]

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

Thank you, noweheretorun and Fuzzy.

Things just seem to keep getting worse for me. I haven't felt this miserable for a long, long time. This whole unrequited love issue just got even more complicated. I'm having panic attacks over the stuff I should be doing to prepare for my senior year in college, but can't do because I'm so depressed. I'm alone and lonely 99% of the tiem, and when I am with someone, it's my drug/alcohol abusing 'friends.' I just want to run away for a while.

I'm hurting so much, and I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading,



J

[nightbird]

Dear Person,

I hear your anguish and disappointment over your parents individual suffering.

It seems inhumane somehow, doesn't it?

You are a brilliant person, and to feel this compassion and ache for your fathers' circumstances after all you have been through, well, it reminds me of all that is good about most people, their mercy.

The only relief I can offer in words at this present moment is, you will be alright.
You J will get through this. And in some way, not known to you yet, your father will too.

We grow up and see people who have nobody in their lives, nobody that will visit them in nursing homes, or hospitals, or as they are shut-in and wonder how is it they can be so neglected ... or is their neglect of others revisiting them ...

what does it matter...

we feel for them as human beings, and plan a day to visit them, or drop by with a plate of dinner or give them some fresh fruit, or have some chat-time, or just flash a smile and say 'have a nice day'...

it doesn't matter to us what they did in their past. that is their saving grace too.
just people being human towards each other.

hard to do when we are part of the past, i know, but if we take it a little at a time, and slow, we might figure out how to straighten out a disheveled old man and his cluttered home ... someone we share memories with ... and give this the honor it deserves.

one day we thank the people who raised us, if they didn't or weren't criminals in the responsibility, for the hardest times contoured our character ... and some of the strengths we have acquired, had it not been for the experiences with them, might not have taken us as far as to know the difference between them, and us.

you will be alright. your father will need a place soon to go and be looked after.'

as you prepare for these things, J, prepare for your freedom.

it is a good thing that i say you will be alright.

love,
night