pit of despair

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know what to post. All I know is that I desperately need some help.

I can't motivate myself to do anything anymore, which is completely out of character for me. If anything, I'm normally a workaholic to the point where I grind myself down to the bone. But now that I'm stuck back at my home for the summer, away from college and all the people who care about me, I feel more miserable than I have in years.

My life is confounded by grief daily, seeing reminders of my mom everyday. I miss her so much... she was the only person in my family, nuclear or extended, who even tried to help me emotionally. Now I'm stuck with my dad and I can't reach out to him; he's completely emotionally ignorant. I can't reach out to my 'friends' back here at home because they're usually off in some kind of drunken/stoned oblivion, and if I hang around them too much, I usually end up drunk myself.

I feel like I've wrtten the same exact things on here before, but the pain just keeps getting so intense, and the light and the hope so distant and faint.... I wanna curl up and disappear; it's hard for me at this point in time to wish I'd never been born. I can't escape this vortex of misery.

And what's worse, I'm screwing up the one thing that's given my life a profound sense of meaning. I'm officially halfway through my summer today, and I haven't gotten anywhere near halfway done on what I need to get done for the fall. I don't know what I'm writing my thesis on; I don't have a preliminary bibliography to work with; I haven't written any personal statements for grad school applications, nor do I even know exactly where I want to apply; I don't even have a f#$%ing job... I'm pathetic. I've sunken so low in these past two months. I just want to pause time and TAKE A BREAK FROM THE WORLD FOR A @#$%&$@ MINUTE!!!!!!!

Nobody cares, nothing matters, just need to get away...

~The pathetic entity known as J~

I just want to pause time and TAKE A BREAK FROM THE WORLD FOR A @#$%&$@ MINUTE!!!!!!!

sure understand that feeling Der... can you get a few days break to clear your thoughts? sounds tuff, hang in there, you're a smart person with drive and energy... maybe its just a time to take some time out for a bit... let the thoughts low down some and the important ones will rise to the top... if they all seem important and urgent, pick one and do a little each day... rest some, eat some, play some.... take it easy on yourself.... (wow, all the healing poems i know are merging together now)

give yourself some time...

wishing you the best...

Transitions can be difficult. You left your routine and now you seem to be floundering. You need to make a new routine in your summer circumstances. Establish a routine of getting up, eating breakfast, bathing, taking a walk, reading a book, watching a favorite tv show, going to the library. Plan it out the night before. That should get you back into a logical place that you are used to working from.

i'm sorry you are struggling. you are not pathetic. you are in pain and hurting.

i know the feeling of having so much to do, but just not being able to do it. the frustration is overwhelming! when i try to get something done, i just get hit with a wave of fatigue and despair. so i sleep.

can you visit a friend from college for a week or two? a summer vacation from your summer vacation.

what are you studying? can you write a list of possible grad schools or thesis topics here? i'd be interested.

better yet i have an idea...i'll come up with a thesis topic for you if you mow my yard for me!!! lol! (if only it were that simple, huh!)

take care! keep us posted!

((((((((((((der sohn))))))))))))))))

so sorry sweetie, i'm out of words myself, holding your hand cyberly.i hear your pain right now .... Jinnyann xoxoxo tc

((((J)))

Breathe, take a moment and just breathe.

I care and so does everyone else here, Things do matter, depression is hard to handle. Take care of yourself okay? Things will get better. I am here for you.
Gentle hugs
Silver

Thank you for your responses, everyone; it really means a lot to me.

(((((hugs)))))

I did a bit better today: went on a walk, sent in my regstration form for the GRE, and finished a book I've been reading for preparation for my thesis, and got a couple more ideas. I've got a general idea of where I want to go; now I just have to find the particular path and see how feasible it is to follow.

I seem to do a lot better on days when I have some semblance of a routine. I usually try to wake up, eat a light breakfast, take a long walk, and then shower. By then, I usually feel energized enough to tackle something.

I just don't know where to turn for help anymore. I won't be seeing my T until late August since she's on my college campus, and even if I were to go back for a little while, I'd have to pay to get seen (which I don't have to do during the school year), and I can't afford that. That's why I came to PC in the first pace: I didn't know where else to turn. I don't what I'd do without all of you! (((hugs))) I think it would do me good to stay with a friend from college for a week or two and do some work that way. I just don't have the means of getting up there or sustaining myself if I do manage to find a way up there.

I think for now I'm just gonna have to take things one day at a time, and if that's too much, one hour at a time. I'm always so worried about the future.

We'll see what happens. I'm just gonna take things as slowly as I need to for a little while.

Thanks for replying everyone! I really appreciate it!



J

glad to hear you had a pretty good day!! sounds like you got quite a bit accomplished!! that's awesome!

Der..

i admire the true commitment you have to your over-all health... that you dont have a therapist in the present moment is not an issue as long as you are continuing to work on yourself (and including the all needed break times)

we all are on the path to healing and the words you have chosen to share with us are uplifting and its evident that you are not 'stalling'... allow yourself time to refelct on the past and project your own future.. you can become what you most desire with work, effort, self love, other love and kind care for yourself and others...

best wishes always

Hi Der,

I was thinking that since you need some moolah, when you walk around, maybe you could say 'hi' to your neighbors and offer to do their lawns. People like to help out college students from their towns.

Also, if you offer to wait tables a few nights a week, at a local place, you can use the tips to get to your friends for those few weeks you plan a break.

The best news is, some type of cash-flow jobs will keep you physically fit and that reduces stress. When you hit the pillow at night, you might be too tired to think about some stuff (or so I wish).

You don't have time to worry much about your home-life when you are pre-occupied, like at school or work.

Anyway, I'm a believer in work through things, so if it doesn't apply, not to worry.
Just sharing thoughts with you.

August is just around the corner, so hang on tight, as you will be back to your routine at school real soon.

Hang on, Dear Person.

peace and encouragemen,
night

t

Glad you were able to get up and moving at least a little bit.

Thanks for replying, everyone. ((((hugs)))

I"m just feeling really disconnected right now. I'm just going to try to function on a basic survival level: eat, sleep, bathe, and go shopping for necessities. It's all I feel I can handle right now. It was raining all day today, so I couldn't take a walk, which I'm realizing is one of the primary determinants of my mood for the day.

Thanks for the support and encouragement!



J

As a counselor told us, give yourself credit for just getting out of bed, and everything you do, you are special and you're just going through some ruff times right now. Set little goals for yourself, and if you can't get them done, oh well try again another day. If you feel even worse, please seek help, people do love you and want you around.

I am accepting myself just as I am, imperfections and all. I am not striving to be perfect today. I only want to grow, to change, to become more and more open and let God and love be in charge of my life.

Take care Der_Sohn_Des_Leides