People Dont like/include me - why?

Sorry in advance if this is the wrong place to be posting this, but i did the "ask" thing under the ask tab, and wasnt sure if i successfully 'asked' for help, so im posting what i think i asked here, in this forum.


Im 18, male, and im an inbound college freshman.

My problem is that no matter what i do, people dont seem to generally like me or include me.

Every group of friends ive ever had never seemed to make an effort to include me, except for one group, which didnt get together often. I never had any unpleasant disuputes with anyone in the groups of friends, and we seem to get along, but people dont include me - its like i dont belong in any of the groups of friends ive ever had.

I have normal hobbies and interested like everyone else - i love to snowboard, bike, i love music and i am a bit of a gearhead. I also like to party with friends when i am still a part of the group.

Ive searched many forums for people with problems similar to the one i am facing, but have found nothing. Many of them suggest soul-searching for an undesirable quality about a person's personality that makes them unliked and i've dont this, but i cant find anything wrong with my personaility.

I know i am a shy person, and generally find it difficult to make new friends because i can never find anything to say, but even so, once ive managed to find people who i can spend time with, no one makes an effort to contact me. I am always the one to call and 'invite myself'. Once im with the group, we have a good time and everything is cool. but after a while, i get tired of 'inviting myself' and abandon efforts to be included.

I know this may sound ridiculous, but i beleive a major cause is my name and red hair. Redheads have a negative stereotype of being 'uncool' - i dont know if thats the right way to put it, but i cant put my finger on it at the moment. I also beleive my strange name, Alistair, may be a cause. When people ask what my name is and i tell them, almost every time i get a "Sorry, what?" or a "Alisson" or some other similar sounding female name - that or a horribly butchered version of my name. the three most common are 'alixter', 'allison' and 'Hollister' - "Like the clothing store?".
Since i have an unusual, foreign name (its actually very common in scotland) and a fair complexion with red hair, i cant just blend in and be normal like everyone else - im different, which is why i think i find it hard to make friends who want to include me.
Its a sort of "whos that redheaded kid with the wierd name?" effect.

Im pretty depressed about the whole thing and i really dont know what to do. Any advice? Im open to all criticism on the matter.

Thanks for reading.

(((((((((((((( Alistair )))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry that I don't have any advice, hopefully somebody else will be able to help you.

(((((((((((((( Alistair )))))))))))))))
My advice is to be yourself and you will find the right group of friends... in the jigsaw of life you'll find the right place for you! You're great as you are!! But I know it hurts feeling excluded. Hopefully soon you'll find a group of people who accept and include you as the unique and special person you are. And you always have us

(((((((((((Alistair))))))))))))
Welcome to PC
I kinda know how you feel, I used to be in that situation and for other reasons I now can only put one person to who I am friends with (and he's 300 miles away). It's difficult feeling as though you don't fit in and unfortunately I can't tell you something that will 'fix' your problem straight away.
The red head thing, that's very stereotypical and there are lots of people who don't let stereotypes sway their judgement. Problem is finding them.
I love the name Alistair (I'm from the UK), it's a fairly common name where I come from and it's seen as a manly name. It's often shortened to Al here too, have you ever thought of introducing yourself with a nickname?
Have you thought about joining a group? Has your college got a karting group or formula student team?

I wish I could give you some more advice, I know how lonely and depressing it gets.
If you ever need to talk or just rant about something the people her on PC are really nice and there'll always be someone who'll offer their support.
Hang in there mate

Molly

Alistair.......i like red heads because my son's hair is as red as it gets. If people don't invite you to join in then they are the ones who are missing out on a good person. It's their loss.........hang in there you are just a freshman and your time is coming to breakout and be who you want to be.!!!......pj56.....xxoo

look at all those tv and movie stars with red hair...they passed thru the stereotype, yes?

hey, your young and if you feel you don't like your hair right now it is acceptable to strip the color, isn't that what everyone is doing?

putting all these mod colors on their hair, or bleaching it blonde for texture and it's really easy.

there is no shame or harm in changing ones hair color - even if it's to prove the point you didn't need to, or for a fashion forward look.

if you really wanna look great, go to a good salon, see the colorist there, and ask for her ideas for your crowning glory, and if you like what she suggests or a color you see on swatches or in the pictures at the salon, (maybe a foil job - that is where the bleach is involved in highlighting the hair lightest blonde while your hair color is contrasted... she can monitor the outcome and really get you where you want to go in the area of changing color.

good luck in what you choose to do.

If you go for a color change, have a blast being a blond surfer looking dude or whatever you choose. these things are about as ok today to do as what type shoes you wesr or color of car you drive. no big thing.

peace and new adventures,
night

ive always been that way allistair. ive been the extra. the third wheel as it were. it drove me round the bend. eventually i just thought %#@&#! it and lived in my own world for a few yrs. which was possibly the worst idea ever.
my best mates lil bro is called alistair. i think its a cool name. but if u live somewhere like the USA theyre gonna screw it up yeah because its not a common name.but hey that makes u diff. so does the red hair. does that not make you also bloody awesome? being the same as everyone else is boring and silly. so u have red hair and a strange name... thats great. people will remember your name. people will remember you. and you can be whatever you want.
if you sdont fit into the social norms... dont even try. just be yourself.

I can definitely relate to some of the stuff you've said...I've been wondering the same thing myself. I'm not exactly shy, but I'm an introvert and therefore do not make friends easily or quickly. That being said, once I have a friend, they don't stay my friends long. Right now I'm not sure who my real friends are, or if I even have any.

People do not call me; I have to call THEM. I decided there was something wrong with that picture, so I stopped calling them. One person was my friend for over 10 years, then suddenly decided to stop talking to me.

Another wanted to get together. Everytime I brought it up, she had some excuse. Same with another. Everytime I called her, she was too "busy" to call ME, even after I was willing to be a witness for her in a worker's comp case when she had NO ONE else in her corner.

This is why I joined this forum, along with having a severely depressed boyfriend and needing moral support for coping with that as well.

Hi Alistair and welcome to PC...

Take a moment to look through this website...there are so many great and famous redheads that they must be catagorized...You are among great company sir...

http://www.redheads.ie/Famous-Redheads.htm

Also your name has a Greek origin and Scotish heritage of Kings and leaders,,but has a root meaning of being a "protector of men"...

It would serve you well if you could find a way to change the nature of how you see yourself...put that in your posture and demeanor and walk on...

You possess everything you need to live up to your potential and beyond...think that way and the people around you will too...

IMHO.

Lenny

Hey! I understand what you are going through. I was exactly the same way in college. Fortunately, things have gotten a bit better, although they aren't perfect still. Are there any campus activities that you are involved with? If not, you really should. If you put yourself out there, people will start to know you better.

And I find there nothing wrong with having red hair. Honestly, I am jealous of people who have it because it is not boring, unlike being a brunette sometimes. I actually have dyed my hair red before. And you are also lucky because gorgeous actresses like Kate Walsh from Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice dyes her hair that color too.

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mak62184 said:
Hey! I understand what you are going through. I was exactly the same way in college. Fortunately, things have gotten a bit better, although they aren't perfect still. Are there any campus activities that you are involved with? If not, you really should. If you put yourself out there, people will start to know you better.

And I find there nothing wrong with having red hair. Honestly, I am jealous of people who have it because it is not boring, unlike being a brunette sometimes. I actually have dyed my hair red before. And you are also lucky because gorgeous actresses like Kate Walsh from Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice dyes her hair that color too.

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Its a little different for guys though

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Lenny said:
Hi Alistair and welcome to PC...

Take a moment to look through this website...there are so many great and famous redheads that they must be catagorized...You are among great company sir...

http://www.redheads.ie/Famous-Redheads.htm

Also your name has a Greek origin and Scotish heritage of Kings and leaders,,but has a root meaning of being a "protector of men"...

It would serve you well if you could find a way to change the nature of how you see yourself...put that in your posture and demeanor and walk on...

You possess everything you need to live up to your potential and beyond...think that way and the people around you will too...

IMHO.

Lenny

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I cant express how much i apreciate this reponse. I think this has got to be the most meaningful advice i have ever recieved on the matter, and best of all, it actually makes sense. Ive noticed others who have good relationships have an air of confidence about them, but always thought that thier good relationships were the reason for thier confidence and happines, and not that the confidence and happiness were the key to thier relationships and thus happiness.

A genuine thank-you to you, Lenny. Im already excited to wake up and be confident tomorow morning.

I have heard of other guys who did/do not care for their red hair. Coloring seems a good immediate solution.

I also often feel like a third wheel, the odd-gal out -- and I, too, am introverted.

When I am at my best, I have used this tactic: I approach another person at a gathering who is alone and looking awkward. Sometimes the person is interesting, sometimes not. The person is always glad to have been recognized, and I feel better about myself because I helped out someone else in the same boat as I am.

I dont see the hair colour itself a problem I think its the way you see yourself, I have a son who is as ginger as a carrot and calls himself ginger ninja lol. I have always told him his hair is his pride and joy and its beautiful how I wish I had the same colour he is very proud of it and gets annoyed when I cut it short.

He is ten and although people have tried to tease him because he has the right attitude they get nowhere and move on to the fat thin tall short person.

My nephew is the same and is twenty five and has no problems getting girlfriends either (too many sometimes)

Maybe you are just a very sensative soul ? And I mean that in the nicest of ways I truly do.

Perhaps if you try to make friends with people from the local church ? Thats what I used to do its a safer enviroment (my spelling is bad sorry). They are more caring and generaly nicer all round and normaly have lots of clubs for people to go to especialy for youngsters.

Or one type of club ie photography or a volunteer group ?

Hugs and I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

Trish.

You might look up aspergers syndrome and see if that looks familiar. "Normals" actually have cells in their brains that tell them to mirror the emotional behavior of the people around them while aspies tend to be out of phase. Consider it an evolutionary tactic so that a tribe would have one guy left to throw a rope when the rest of the tribe went running off a cliff.

Ways of dealing with this socially are joining groups where the focus is co-ordianted action of two or more folks. Martial arts and ballroom dancing come to mind. In both of these cases newcomers are expected to have two left feet and as long as you're clean, polite and cheerful about your own errors you will be welcomed.

For some people it can take months to feel comfortable enough with a new group that you start working with their rythms so don't be disappointed if people don't invite you to hang out right away. Enjoy activities for what they are and try not to have expectations about what happens outside of the structured activity.

I know exactly how you feel.
It's almost like they don't connect with you, isn't it? Happens to me all the time. I can't stand extended phone calls because I often lock up and have nothing exciting to say.
Alistair is a beautiful name! Please don't be ashamed of it.

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Lyric said:
I know exactly how you feel.
It's almost like they don't connect with you, isn't it? Happens to me all the time. I can't stand extended phone calls because I often lock up and have nothing exciting to say.
Alistair is a beautiful name! Please don't be ashamed of it.

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I think you've nailed one of the key issues i have in that i cant find things to say to people, unless i know them well and am already good friends with him or her.

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Tishie said:
I dont see the hair colour itself a problem I think its the way you see yourself, I have a son who is as ginger as a carrot and calls himself ginger ninja lol. I have always told him his hair is his pride and joy and its beautiful how I wish I had the same colour he is very proud of it and gets annoyed when I cut it short.

He is ten and although people have tried to tease him because he has the right attitude they get nowhere and move on to the fat thin tall short person.

My nephew is the same and is twenty five and has no problems getting girlfriends either (too many sometimes)

Maybe you are just a very sensative soul ? And I mean that in the nicest of ways I truly do.

Perhaps if you try to make friends with people from the local church ? Thats what I used to do its a safer enviroment (my spelling is bad sorry). They are more caring and generaly nicer all round and normaly have lots of clubs for people to go to especialy for youngsters.

Or one type of club ie photography or a volunteer group ?

Hugs and I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

Trish.

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In reponse to the haircolor not being the problem, i agree partially. It alone is not the problem, but it combined with the other aspects of my appearance and name that all play a role into making me the person who cant blend in.

I am a sensative person, but only due to the treatment of 'friends' in the past years.

Thanks for the advice

Hi Alistair, maybe you are already behaving like they are going to respond to you this way? Maybe it is like a self-fulfilling prophesy type thing? People like to be around others who like themselves and who are proactive and fun. If you already act like they are going to reject you this is exactly what they are going to do. You can turn this around if this is what is going on. Start acting like the person that you want to be (which is really who you are) and you will fully become that person. Doing it this way is taking your identity into your own hands and being in control of it. The other way is letting others determine your identity and you are going along with it.

I'd been in a similar situation - not exactly the same.

I moved about a lot, so when I made friends i never tried to get close to them, in a way, I excluded myself, and rarely, rarely, there was a person who tried to include me. I just didn't feel like I belonged.

And then there was a couple of years when I moved to secondary school when I didn't even try to make friends, I was alone.

Anyway, I met one of my friends, Robyn, on a school trip to France. And we just clicked. Simple. She introduced me to her friends, and we clicked as well.

it didn't matter that I could never talk to people unless I knew them really well - it was almost like I new these people in another lifetime!

One of those friends stopped hanging out with us and that hurt us all, Robyns moving down south and loads of people are going to different schools for 6th form. And it hurts because it's almost like moving all over again.

Like I said, it was only SIMILAR - is you sstreatch your imagination.

But what I'm trying to say is:
You want to be friends, but have you found someone you click with?
When/if you do, they open the door to other people you're likely to click with. People you click with always try and include you.

Yes there are always times you get left out - as in any group of friends. That party where only a certain amount of people can be invited to, but then there are other things. Goinmg away with one of your friends, laughing when you all get together.

Exclution is a part of life - which you and I know too well. But one day, with one person, you'll get included.

Now the tricky part - finding someone you click with. Maybe join clubs or whatever.

Just don't give up. 13 years until I found a group. 3 years after that the entire structure of it changes. C'est la vie (unfortuanately).

As for your ginger hair, that shouldn't be an obstical - especially to true friends. My friend Rosie loves Red hair. Look at David tennant. Red head heart throb!

The best groups are diverse, varying.

As for your name - it sounds sort of exotic and different. It'll draw some people towards you, but it also gives people ammunition to use against you, but remember those people would look for anything to use against you. People often mispronounce names they're not used to, so you have to be patient and laugh it off so they see you have a sense of humour.

I have a normal name - Hannah, so I'm not used to that (Apart from the occasional 'Anna', which I can cope with). But I have an internet friends called Gitana - Gitsi for short. it means Gypsy in some sort of language. I love the name, and so does she, except she does get narked off when people constantly mispronounce it. Just embrace your name and don't treat it as something that gets you down. 'Hollister' and things like that are bound to happen, but I think Alistair is a beautiful name.