[itsjustme111]

These feelings of suicide are taking control. Its like it suddenly washed over and I feel like I am drowning. The sadness, this feeling of despair is tormenting me. I am sitting here banging my head up against a wall trying to figure out what triggered this so badly. This urge is so strong, I am tired of living; half living that is.

I feel like falling and not getting back up. Just let everyone pretend I am not laying on the ground. Then eventually I can't take the constant kicking of those who walk by me. My body shuts down and peace sets in as I can go, get away from this person of who we dare to know.

Why can't it be so simple as to say, "Okay I am ready to go now, then poof, we are gone." Can't I have this last wish of suddenly, but with relief for others that I am gone. Wouldn't it be wonderful for them? To have a life without Justy, always sick and can't get it together. A normal life for them and peace for me. So let me fall into the deepest sleep. A dream land of what I imagine over and over. Take me to this place so I can let go of the ones I destroy everyday I wake up. So don't let me wake up, I beg this power that is unknown for me.

As the pain inside is so strong, but feeling so numb makes confusion control my insane thoughts. How can one feel such despair yet feel so cold?? How is this possible?? I can feel the hunger, my stomach begging for forgiveness, begging to let the starvation cease. Yet the mind yelling and screaming, "No!!! This is not allowed." The mind always wins, so no you can't have a damn thing, I will not allow it. So starve, let all of this waste away to nothing as this is what I am. And it hurts dearly to even think this way, to read what I write. But yet it feels right. How can this battle continue, someone has to win. The war needs to end, and this is what I desire. This is what I long for.

No more doctors, no more counselors, no more bf on my case, no more father telling me I am nobody, no more memories of my pathetic self hiding from my husband when he is mad, no more thoughts of the past, no more thoughts of the future, no more disgusting attempts at killing myself, no more looking at food and wanting to throw it so far away, no more writing every little stupid detail of what I drink, what I don't drink, what I throw the hell up, no more pills, nothing. FLIPPING NOTHING. Let go of the anger, the pain, the memories, this terrible sadness that has every part of my very innerself.

Can you see?? This is who I am. A nothing, nobody, a quitter who yes; did not amount to anything. Yes dad, your so right. You were always right. Well I don't have to remember anymore, right? The thoughts of you beating my sibling into a wall, knocking her completely out. The thoughts of you dragging my other sibling clear across the lawn by her hair. The thoughts of you doing what you did best, to all of us.

I am driving myself insane, but although I must already be there. Why is this ranting through my mind. A rush of memories that have washed over me. Why all this at once. Is this why people let the insanity wash over, let it take control and do the thing that is the most selfish act possible? Where are the answers, nobody has them. So what the *#$@ is wrong with me. I don't have the answers either or I would not be a coward certifiable nut job if I did. Really, how sick is this. Should have kept me locked up when they had the chance, how fooled were they?

What a stupid post. I can't believe the junk that comes from my mind. So you may have the same question; what the hell is wrong with you Justy?? I wish I knew. NO this is not a suicide goodbye. I am not telling you that I am going to do this at the moment. This is nonsense at its finest. Dont make a whole lot of sense anyway.

Justy

[Peanut61]

((((((((((Justy))))))))) = Please don't. My Mom killed herself and I have never recovered, and neither will your kids!!

I wish I had more answers. This site helps me when I feel as you do: http://www.suicidal.com

Sending you as much positive energy as I can muster...

Most fondly, Peanut

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I care about you.............you saw that, right? I care about you!!!!!!! Please try not to do this - harming yourself.

I know the urges well - been fighting them like crazy myself lately. But you came here, which is just awesome. You are so well loved here - the memories are just that. Please don't let them win out and take you away from here.

Harming yourself is not the answer. Fighting is - but you need energy to do that. And somehow I think you are decidely low on that these days. Draw that strength from us, from the feelings we have for you.

Please.

[shakes]

(((Justy))))
Please call a hotline if you feel these urges are too much. Please do not do anything rash. We all care about you.

Jessica

[Myzen]

Hi itsjustme,

Reading your post, I see a strong person who is still fighting.

I respect your courage and your experiences.

I hope that it will get easier for you.

Myzen

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Justy --

I share so many of your feelings, esp. in the troughs. It doesn't matter that the details of why I beat myself up may be different from yours, the pain and the wanting to go "poof" and not be here is exactly the same.

P who left me last year, his father committed suicide. He found the body. I had another friend whose father committed suicide. The Kids Never Get Over It. P used to say, when I'd talk about wanting to die, that suicide is the Most Selfish Thing That Anyone Can Do. It may bring relief for you, but those we leave behind have the mess to cope with. The unresolved feelings. The Guilt.

Like you, I am stuck here. In this body that Buddhist philosopher Alan Watts used to call the "skin bag" that contains the soul. I have used visualization techniques and bought the materials for my intended method and spent days trying to psyche myself up -- and in the end, only succeeded in making myself feel like a miserable failure in yet one more category of life.

I had a post here a month ago that listed every single way I believed I was a Big Fat Failure. Idexter (Dave) was kind enough and go through every one and dispute it. I was so down that I would have argued against some of his arguments, but on the whole, he demonstrated that there was another way to look at my life so that it didn't add up to FAILURE, useless piece of crap.

You are a member of the Forum community. So many of us understand your pain, and we care very much. If you say that you are useless -- then that means that your children and your husband and all those who love you are morons. That we don't know value when we encounter it.

Thank you for trusting us to share your pain with us, Justy. I would do anything I could to help you . . .

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Justy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[itsjustme111]

(((((((((((((((((((lots of love back all)))))))))))))))))))).

I am doing better today. I honestly don't know what that was all about. I felt so out of control, it scared the silliness out of me.

I had my intake appointment today. My t came with me which was great. I loved her comment to the worker, "I have walked through all of this with Elizabeth, I am over protective of her I know, but she is part of me." The tears stung my eyes and I wanted to reach out and hold her. I often wonder why I deserve such commpassion.

So my new t will be phoning next week. And I am feeling better with the fact that I can finally start to get rid of this, or vent this stuff. I went back to my t's office. There were a few others I knew having coffee. I was laughing the entire time I was there. I had tears pouring, so funny those ladies are. Felt good to be out in the world of laughter. Before I left, my t grabbed me and hugged me. I told her how much she means to me and am thankful to have her.

HEHE; guess what I did though. I got to my appointment, put the car keys in my coat (which was laying beside me), got out, locked the door, shut the door; Then I looked in the car with my coat looking back at me with my keys in pocket. Opps, my bf had to come rescue me. Oh well, was kind of funny.

Thanks for the kindness. I hope I didn't startle anyone. The racing thoughts were extreme last night. This was a safe place for me to vent, but I hope I did not upset anyone. I would have reached out before doing anything; really I would and will if need be.

Justy

[Peanut61]

I'm glad to read that things went well with your T, (she sounds wonderful), and that you're feeling a bit better!!

Most warmly, Peanut

[wisewoman]

oh Justy, hang in there girl, you are such a resilient soul. Love and peace to you.

[itsjustme111]

Looking back at this one. Feeling really down. I am hanging, but slipping away.

I have lost my doctor, my heart is empty. I will not have a t, and now the one that is left, I am pushing away too. My chriopractor is not just my doc, but my friend. Long story, but he said on Wednesday, he won't let me push him away too. I said we shall see when he realizes this is the best thing.

Justy

[itsjustme111]

I so hate the fact that things don't just affect us one at a time. It seems like it all comes crashing down at once. Its this constant testing I feel like maybe a "higher power" is putting me through.

How much can one deal with all at once? It does not seem to stop. I don't think I have ever in my life felt so utterly depressed. Simple statments made trigger the worst thoughts. And I shock myself. Someone said to me, "I will drive you to the store if you need." My thought was, "Well at least find a steep cliff." I didn't say it outloud but this is what I keep thinking of. How silly is that?

My doctor sent some wishes my way. He wants me to know that his door is always open when I feel like coming back. He wants me to know that he will always be my doctor no matter how hard I try to shut the door. He is worried and wants me to come see him. He said he is not angry and is starting to understand more and more what the reasons are for how I feel. He said he has learned a great deal from me. (sigh), not sure anymore.

Racing thoughts, little sleep, nightmares with the little sleep. So damn drained. This sadness is truly washing over me, I am sinking fast.

Justy

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Justy -- I often feel this way, too.

(((((((((((((((Justy))))))))))))))))))

[Maya]

Justy- I know just how that feeling is - I told my pdoc and my T on Thursday, if I could just like down here and die I would be the happiest person on earth. I am tired of struggling and depression and anxiety. Both are so wonderfully supportive and it sounds like your docs are also supportive. We keep trying, keep struggling, because, deep, deep down we do care and we do want to live - we just want our lives to be better - to be happy - to be "normal" - to be at peace with ourselves and with the world. If it did not think that was attainable for me I think I would give up - but I do think it is attainable with lots and lots of hard work from me, with the support of my T and my doc, and with my medications. All of us here get really down - that is what this forum is all about - a place to share that space with others who understand - who do not judge us but accept us as we are. Please take good care of yourself - know that your strength in battling this disease is enormous and many would already have given up without the commitment you have to get well. Keep your chin up - you are worth the effort!

[itsjustme111]

(((((((Wants2Fly, mars))))))), thanks u two.

I know how much this holds true for many. The constant battle. It get so tiring sometimes. Hard to see the end of the battle. Seems to me it just snow balls into a war. And I can't stand fighting. Hard to be at war within oneself. Hard to win when you are fighting yourself.

I see so much from all of you. The commitments that you have made to yourselves; much to be admired. I have never meant so many people that fight so hard, have bad days, yet don't allow this to take over the good parts of themselves, their lives. The knowledge I have gained has no price on it. This learning experience I thank all of you for. Your all so amazing, this is why I adore you all so much.

Thanks for the wonderful friendships, the learning, the support, and mostly; the love. One who finds this could not be any luckier. Must have a four leave clover hiding somewhere in my pocket; lol.

Thinking of u always, missing u, and sending my deepest appreciation for your continued friendships. Your the best!!

Justy