Its like looking in a mirror!

WARNING! Possibly triggering!

http://www.mumbai-central.com/nukkad.../msg00731.html

It's like seeing myself in a mirror... This is EXACTLY how I feel everyday! I feel like smashing my head against the wall (???) for finding someone who wrote exactly what I've been feeling for who knows how long!

The only difference is that what he enjoys others doing, I hate. I hate seeing people prove themselves better than others, I hate seeing people running after others, and I hate how people run after money... I see it all as greed and selfishness to an extent... I oftentimes wonder if humanity would fare better by living in order to progress, rather than living in order to enjoy life.

I also clash with my thoughts when I remember my friends back at my previous college... Usually I stop wondering about them when a sudden intrusive thought comes and tells me "I can live by myself. I don't need anyone or anything to fulfill my life... Hurry up, time, I want to get this all over with", where my other self pleads "I want to be happy! I want to taste new things, run around, socialize, love, and have a REAL life!"... And by other self, I mean my conscience. Right now, I want to laugh, eat, feel, and be happy... But at other times I hate everything, am indifferent to every event, and oftentimes choose the hardest decision so others can take the easiest one, as if I was proving myself that I don't need willpower or happiness to do things as long as I have a sense of purpose and a direction... Usually my hate leads to thoughts of wanting to destroy others for not seeing things my way, especially when they complain that things are boring, too hard, or disgusting.

Anyone else ever had this experience? Mine is on almost all the time these days. I only talk because I need to, not that I want to, to other people nowadays... That post in that forum seriously got my brain running, now I can't turn it off...

Hi Kewkky, I am trying to understand where you are coming from and what is frustrating you so...... Do you feel that you are not heard or not appreciated?

Well, I don't know about heard of or appreciated...

I feel like everyone just does everything out of pleasure (be it happiness, pride, lust, whatever), even though those same reasons have caused others lots of suffering. I associate it all with greed at those moments, how all those people are greedy for wanting happiness for themselves and not wanting others to be happy instead... I find myself thinking "If there were less people in the world who wanted to find happiness, and more people who wanted to make others happy instead of themselves, this world wouldn't be so horrible" at those moments... No one else sees things my way, and they'd rather find the way to obtain the most pleasure for themselves, be it by killing (for example... Serial killers), fighting (boxers and wrestlers), having too much money (corporate heads), people who are told "What about ME? What about MY needs?" (selfish husbands), people who stand out from the crowd in order to have their admiration, even if they lie about themselves (con artists), and such...

I loathe people like those. If they don't change by themselves, I end up thinking that they won't and that the world would be better off without them for being so selfish. That's when my intrusive thoughts start appearing about wanting to "destroy others", and the many colorful ways of doing them in... And they just keep coming and coming until the feelings pass over (which I usually just let them run amok until they evaporate, or I find something to distract myself with) and I can think clearly again.

But, other than that, I feel like I don't care if I lived a happy life or whatever, as long as I did what I felt I needed to do in order to change the world somehow, or at least the way people think... And even if I died and never reached my goal, I couldn't care less that my life was over...

The only true horror I have is that instead of dying, I survive, but paralyzed from the neck down, and no one wants to pull the plug on me, and I have to live maybe 20+ years as a vegetable. THAT is my horror, and that alone right now...

EDIT: Right before I went to my therapist today, I was thinking to myself "Why am I here? My view of life won't change, so why am I wasting my time here?", and I would've probably missed my session if I had a car to drive off with (I got dropped off)...

Kewkky, whenever I hear people complain about personal issues that are in the larger world I think that they are avoiding the same issues in their personal world.....

I got abused by my father, since I was small till I was 18, so I have some resentment towards him. He always wanted me to be the perfect, controllable child prodigy, and still does... I remember a few of the horrible things he did to me for such stupid things (like lying about how I've done all my homework when I actually missed 1 and got a 0 in elementary school), and all that so I would "grow up to be a good man, and make his father proud", and so my child ADHD wouldn't bother anyone...

So, it's very probable I feel this lifeless because I hate him, and I hate the way he treated me when I was smaller just so he could have a son to talk about when he's older. And it increases my hate even more knowing, out of all my brothers and sisters, I was the one under the most pressure and punishment, and that my mother never stood up for me, even after I broke my arm and he threatened me not to cry or else he would hit me where it hurt.

Now I can't stop thinking that people would do anything to feel happiness (or pleasure, if they mistake it for one another), or to feel the admiration of others on them. I am subconsciously wishing he would die or disappear forever, but my rational side tells me that if he does, we won't have an income in our family, and I'll suffer even more... So apart from feeling abused, I feel trapped.

But that's just me...

PS: Wow, you replied fast.

I am sorry Kewkky, its probably hard to be angry with your father? Now a lot of what you have been writing is making more sense to me.

Sorry about that, it's just that if I start writing, I find it hard stopping, and at times, I just write and write and write... UntilI have a humongous wall of text before me, and am forced to shorten it to specifically what I want to say... And I also have to take out examples I use to convey my feelings that might be intense, and things that would otherwise be better left unsaid, etc...

I have no complaints about what you have written! I need to go out now so maybe I'll talk to you tommorrow?

Heh, possibly. I got a load off my mind by explaining, now I can find the words to explain in real-life to my T, and not to my fellow forum citizens.

That's great!

I think I kind of understand what you are saying. This might be on the same topic as you or something different, but I'll just say it anyways and hope you understand, haha.

Sometimes I feel like other people rely on others to make them happy. They depend on a lover to make them feel like a whole person. Parents feel inadequate so they try to live their dreams out on their children, they expect them to do great things, things they think are important. I kind of lost my train of thought because my mother just called me.... oh well.

My dad was supposedly the most rebellious as an adolescent in his family, so my grandpa was always all over him to make sure he turned out like all his other brothers: a doctor in the field of medicine. ALL my uncles are doctors: cardeologists, psychologists, generalists, and we also have two nuns in our family. My dad is the only one in the whole family who decided to veer off the usual road and study marketing and teaching... Whenever he looks at his brothers and uncles, he sees them as rich, successful people, and he sees himself as a low/middle class person with one income and a big family.

I was also told (to my dismay) that I look a LOT like him when he was a teenager, so my mom came to the conclusion that he's trying to realize his dreams by making me live his life. All those unfair scoldings, those abusive approaches, those mental punishments, everything he's done so far to me was to "straighten me out" and make me more like him so I could choose his dream over mine by changing my way of thinking. And the worst part is... That I was the only one he abused like that out of my 5 other brothers.

I suffered quite a lot when I was small... I remember myself being thrown in the air against the wall, then pulled into his room (while still shocked and scared over what happened) to be spanked around 20 times with his belt... I don't even remember what the heck I did that was so horrible! My face was broken at the very least once a week... The abuse was so bad, whenever he came home from work, I always got so scared, I had to lock myself in my room or in the bathroom or hide before he entered the house, or else I'd feel like my world was ending and my dad was gonna beat me up for something I didn't remember doing again. Hearing the door open was the WORST sound in the whole world to me. I also thought about running away, but I always reasoned with myself: "What good is running away, if I have nowhere to go and no food to eat?" I also remember asking to go to the psychologist a couple of times, but he always insisted on me discussing my problems with him, so I never went to any sort of facility with people that would help me live my life better.

I can't wait to get a job, a car and a house so I can move out, hopefully have a family, and take care of my children the way my dad never took care of me. Whenever I'm enjoying myself these days, after like a few minutes, I always revert to the hollow feeling I have tormenting me, that leaves me in the joyful situation feeling sad, angry and hopeless... Sometimes my hands tremble, and other times I hold back the need to shed some tears so no one would ask me "What's wrong, Cookie?"... I've had enough attention for a lifetime. I also feel hate towards everyone, and how they can be happy all the time, while I have problems even smiling on my own without the aid of a joke. How pathetic of me... I don't even like hugs or kisses.

EDIT: Man, whenever I read this, it sounds like some farfetched dream that I just made up to get some attention... But I remember passing through part of it as a child. Not like consecutive beatings and hits to my face are gonna leave my memory intact, eh?

(((((Kewkky)))))

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply, I've had a lot of stuff going on. It really sucks having to live with an abusive person. My brother used to beat me up a lot. He would get mad at something that a normal person wouldn't get mad about. You never know when he's going to go off. He used to rip out my hair and try to strangle me. (He is 31 and I am 17). I used to hide in my closet. I understand the fear you felt when you lived with your dad. Are you feeling any different than you were when you first made this post? I know its been awhile so yeah. You should just PM me or email me even because I am so bad at responding to stuff like this.