I Thought I Was Ok.. But.. Now.. I'm Just Falling....

tpnd,
please call someone...anyone IRL who can help you...911...perhaps give your doc another chance
please maintain contact either here or IRL. obviously there is only so much we can do here, but we won't give up on you!
isn't there anyone you trust enough to confide in...sometimes a crisis line can be of help

before I did mention meds to you, and you've now shared that it has been five days since there was an adjustment.
I sincerely believe you need to speak with your doc and soon.
Any med adjustment can cause problems--the increase can be too much/too fast, enough time hasn't passed for any benefit to happen, and there is always the chance that an increase will have a negative impact--it can make you feel worse.
please, try and contact your doc...

it's taking a lot of courage for you to share here...please keep it up.
there is no substitute for the help you can get IRL, though.

you are a worthwhile human being! going through a rough time, for sure. but don't measure your value by this time in your life...what you are going through is one part, not the whole.

jmo, but within your words, I hear desire to live a peaceful life...sometimes it's hard for us to think life will be anything good...
don't give up, tpne. you are strong and will find your way...please don't try to do it on your own, ok?

Cap

I can't call 911 because what use will they be? They'll just throw me into some mental institute, or moan at me for wasting time.. I can't.. I've given her too many chances and she's not helped.. At every opportunity that she could've..

I can't phone crisis lines.. I bail out at the last moment... I'm so weak and crap.
The negative effects have already happened.. i've got past that stage.. I don't know what to do, I'm panicking again and I'm scared something is going to happen to either me or someone else.. Again. Ugh. I make myself sick. I ate in the end and that's just made me feel so **** about myself now..

I do want to have a peaceful life, but everyone IRL is just making it harder for me, taking advantage of my kindness and how easily guilt tripped I am.. Like my friend.. Emily (so called best friend).. I helped her move into the supported housing where I live and helped her with food until she got her money, which she still hasn't had.. I stayed in her room for a few weeks to help her settle in.. She got a £70 loan and blew it all in a day.. Well in a matter of hours.. All I know that she bought was.. A few packs of instant noodles, a duvet, some pillows and that's it..

So, now, because she's not allowed her boyfriend to stay overnight until she's been here a month, she's asking ME to sign HIM in as an overnight guest.. I could get license points for that,w hich means for each license point I get up to 12 max,I get closer to being kicked out!! How can she do that to me, after EVERYTHING I've done for her? And then another night, she just waltzes off to another friend's house, doesn't leave her key or my meds with staff or any food,so I have.,. No meds, no food, no clean clothes, nothing to drink, and just.. Nothing to wash with or even clean my teeth with.. Then she comes back home acts as if everything's ok, tries to get a sympathy vote because she's hungover, and then gets staff to give her food..

I lasted 3 effing months without food!! I lived on £4 a week!! Not even that!! I had soups, drank a lot, and bought big bags of pasta and rice etc. to make it last.. But no! She goes and gets all the stuff she can out of me and then just acts as though it's normal! Like I SHOULD do it!! It makes me sick! I struggle as it is without having to help her on top.. It makes me so angry!

ARGHHHHHHH!!!

You need to learn that the word you tell yourself all the time about your own needs works on other people. The word is NO. It doesn't have to be mean or rude, just "No, I'm not able to help you right now. I'm having a hard time myself." "No, I'm not comfortable signing him in. I'm sorry if that makes you mad." "Next time you decide to take off, please remember to make sure I have a way in because NO, I don't understand."

((Pain))) let yourself accept some solutions.. you are boxing yourself in, giving yourself few outs.... trapping yourself.... there are many paths to help..... normal everyday people are willing to help if we present our concerns to them in a calm manner that can be understood.. people generally have kind and caring hearts its just that sometimes it appears we all carry standard amounts of paranoia on hand for those we dont understand or whom have difficulty expressing their needs...

find someone local to help you... do not treatment resist yourself... its not kind.... there is a way if you will choose it... dont put too much pressure on anyone involved, especially yourself... sending healing wishes always...

I speak to you softly now with love and respect...within my words, it is my desire that you find one or two that will lead you out of this trap of anger, fear, and hopelessness you are in.

Many here have given you very good advice.
We understand that with the disappointments you have already been through that you are finding it nearly impossible to follow that advice.
Trying one more time is showing courage and taking responsibility for yourself. Only you can do this. As much as we want to help, and will continue to do what we can, the bottom line is you making the decision to love yourself enough that you try one more time.
Set aside the past and hang onto the reality that goodness will come to you--but you have to start things. There is no middle ground as much as we would like for there to be one.

You do not have to let anyone take advantage of you for any reason. As pointed out, saying No and meaning it is a valuable tool--and one that many of us use daily. A simple No will do; no explanation is necessary...even if people want one.

Please understand that you are your first and only priority right now. Others can be let back into your life later...
Taking care of yourself is not a selfish act; it does take
holding on to the support and encouragement you find here until you can add people in IRL.
Concentrate on one thing for now--which ever problem seems to be overwhelming you right now. Direct your energy at it, take baby steps if necessary, but Take Them.

Hear what we are telling you--we care and we want the best for you. Our desire for peace and happiness for you absolutely has to be a partnership...
You open your heart and accept that many of us know the pain you are feeling now--but it is you that has to take that first step.
We can be cheerleaders; you be the star.

Keep sharing, try to listen, put at least one thing into action.
It's worth it...and I believe you know this to be true.
Understand that it's "normal" to be blinded to help and solace, but you have the power to change it.

Cap

I have accepted as much treatment as is possible.. I just.. Feel like I'd be telling my psych that she's doing a really crap job, if I ask to see someone else instead.. It may sound stupid, but I'm scared of upsetting her..

I feel liek if I say no, they'll get mad at me, therefore I'll get upset by it.. So it's not really being kind is it? I know it's keeping me out of trouble.. i guess I've just got to let them carry on being mad and learn from their stupid mistakes.. Instead of taking it to heart.. But I'm just so very sensitive and they know that..

I guess it's my boyfriend not understanding that overwhelms me the most.. But.. I have tried and concentrated so hard and put so much energy into trying to help him understand and help.. But.. It's done nothing.. He just doesn't think, he uses his natural reaction, doesn't think about how it'd just make me feel worse so cut again to punish myself, and then he gets mad again at that and it just goes in a vicious circle like that.. I understand.. I mean yesterday and last night, he was drunk.. He has an alcohol problem. He's not exactly an alcoholic, but he just has trouble knowing when to stop.. He was drunk, but wanted to drink until e couldn't see and was feeling low because he couldn't have anymore to drink.. So I gave him the advice that I use (but with day instead of hour) and that is to take it and hour at a time and think how big an achievement that is and keep setting yourself that target.. I wish he could understand that it is the same as my problem.. I just have to set bigger targets.. Longer amounts of time.. So, he was drunk and had the cheek to complain at how alone and crappy he felt. Now, at this point, I couldn't tell that he was drunk, I just thought he was tired.. Then, I listened more intently after he started to get more emotional and more.. well.. Like me.. Depressive.. That was when I knew he was drunk. I asked him and he wouldn't tell me, he said "what do you think?" I said. "you are aren't you?" "I have been since i first called you"

See, I didn't notice because he wasn't talking much.. But then he started getting emotional and straight away, I snapped into "super-helpy-person" mode and asked what was wrong etc etc. When I realised he was drunk, he said "aren't you mad?" "No, it wouldn't help.." "wouldn't it?" "NMo, because you're drunk now, you'll feel like **** because you know you've made me angry, you'll wake up in the morning, remember it and feel really s**t for it. Just liek me and my self harm THAT'S why it doesn't help. THAT'S why I'm not getting mad. I'm just disappointed.." "ok."

That was it. It upset me to know that he'd not even tried. Not one tiny attemp to stop himself.. That was it. I left it after that and he went to sleep.

Today, I forgot about it and did the health and wellbeing launch, I sang, played tennis on the wii, did some aromatherapy, went on the dance mats, did aerobics, dance and yoga, all one after the other. Now, I'm knackered. Especially on an empty stomach, that wasn't helpful, but.. I feel achey and tired, but the yoga really helped to relax me a little and I got into such a nice zone.. But Now, back to the real world.. I'm supposed to be going to Connor's this weekend, last night HE got annoyed with ME because I asked when I was going over there, because HE hadn't found out, so he got mad at ME for HIS mistake. THAT is what kills me. So, if I am to be going to his tonight, I have to meet his dad at 5:30. So another.. Hour and 3/4. That's no time whatsoever!! He's not online, hasn't called me, or sent a text, or an email, or anything. So, when I finally know, he's not getting off lightly because he thinks he can just walk all over me and not let me know things, get mad at me for his stupid mistakes and me just to say "Oh sorry baby, I'll do anything to make it up to you, I'll do everything for you." That's what I normally do. but NO!! I'm f***ing fed up! Fed up of being walked all over! I could rant all day, I really could.

*sigh* THAT is what makes me feel like there's no point.

tpnd,
My very best wishes to you as you find your way through this pain, anger, and discouragement. It may be hard at first, but it will get easier.
You are a strong person with much love to give...loving yourself first will lead to loving others, and being loved back, and there is joy, so very much joy, as you take the necessary steps.

Cap

Thankyou.. I'm sure I'll need it.. Especially after finding out one of my closest friends is in hospital, almost dead.. It's critical..

I don't know how much more I can take of all these people being hurt before my eyes and me not being able to do anything.. I feel so useless..
My boyfriend finally took in what i said, I got quite angry with him and for once, he didn't protest.. Apart from saying "Well you've had plenty of chances before in the past to break up with me, so if I treat you like such s**t, then why don't you?"
That was because I said I'm fed up of being walked all over by people.. But it didn't neccessarily mean just him..

My "best friend" waltzed off to a party tonight, leaving my meds in her room again, just because she couldn't be bothered to wait for me to come out of my yoga session.. So she had to take a double trip, one from where she was to here and back again. If she was mad about it, it's her own fault.

*sigh* I just hope this weekend is ok.. I do try to love myself, I do have good days, where I make as much effort as possible. But sometimes I just feel so low, I feel like what's the point? You know? But.. I try, that's all that matters to me