[BlueFaith]

I'm trying SO hard today just to make it. I've told myself all day that everything is going to work out and be OK. But, I'm just not feeling it at all. It's been a struggle for it seems like an eternity. And today has been especially hard. I don't even know if I'm going to be here to see another year, and that thought keeps running through my head.

What am I supposed to do?? How do I stay strong through this? I can only tell myself so many times that I'm going to be ok and make my mind believe it. Everyone around me is worried... it shows on their faces and in the way they talk to me. They try not to show it, but it's there. They tell me "you're gonna make it through this." But then I see the worry on their faces.

How can I continue to be strong for myself? It feels like I am smothering. I can't breathe. I haven't done anything today. It was a struggle to even go get my kids from school and go to the store.

Maybe nobody knows what to tell me. Maybe I shouldn't be pushing my burdens off on anyone else. Maybe all this is normal...maybe it's not. All these maybe's. I just don't know what to think anymore.

I know I can't give up. I can't just throw in the towel and say I'm done. I have 3 kids to think about. And that's what scares me the most. Imagining them living without me. It's crushing me. Literally ripping me apart. I just want to live life and be here for them.

Suddenly all the money in the world and all the material pleasures life has to offer don't even appeal to me anymore. That's not important. Just being here and living is all I want. Nothing more. Is that too much to ask for? Is it?

I'm trying to hold strong to my faith. I feel like it's the only thing I have right now. Today has just been so incrediably hard. I'm sorry this is so long. I had to get it out somewhere. I'm trying not to let this win... I'm not the type to give in or give up. I just need some reassurance today, I guess. Just someone to say they care... I don't know..I don't want to ask for too much.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( MentalPollution ))))))))))))))))
I am sending you lots of hugs, warm thoughts, and my hand to hold if you need. I am sorry that you are going through this, we are all here if you need us.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((MentalPollution))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that you are having to face such hard things right now. Know I am here and I care.

BB

[nowheretorun]

((Jenn))) i understand well what you are feeling.. so many situations in your life pressuring you this way and that and the inner work you're doing is a huge and unforgettable amount of stress.. i just know you will look back from your future and say something like "Whew!" That was hard!" but then, you'll pause a minute and feel something like love for yourself because of all you've had to endure..

we dont choose this stuff, it chooses us...

you've had a breakthrough and felt a rush of energy and joy and renewed faith.. it felt miraculous and fantastic.. i hope you let yourself feel every moment of joy for all it is worth (do this in the future too )

lifes usual hassles are still around.. some new questions, a few doubts about it..

its ok, it happens... you might have been waiting for that feeling to fade, and it has.. thats ok.. the new knowledge is still there...

now as you go day to day with chores and projects, remember that rush of emotion you felt for awhile.. you can have it again..

this is a process of pushing and breathing.,... you are giving birth to a healthier you.... its hard, but it is possible to enjoy this process....

im here in your corner always.. you are one of the ones who never gives up!

[Miracle1986]

(((((Jenn)))))
I love you loads
Stay strong
My PM box is always open if you need me.

[epiphany.]

as long as you're breathing, there's more right with you than wrong with you, no matter what the conditon of your body and its history, and no matter what you are facing in this moment.

(from: Body Scan, by Jon Kabat-Zinn)

[turquoisesea]

I'm sorry things are so tough right now.

This probably doesnt mean a whole lot... but I really admire how determined you are not to give up. It's so hard sometimes.

I hope things get better *hugs*

[multipixie9]

dear mp,

your post was like looking at something i would have written about 15 years ago - seriously - it sounds like me. i would lie in bed all day and dread the need to get up to pick up my 2 daughters. it was horrible and i felt guilty for being in such a bad place. but it was that dark and bleak and d*** hard!!!

BUT, i am still here and it is never that bad now - though i do still have issues and things i must work on. but i never lie in bed all day with horrid thoughts circling my mind over and over. going to my T and getting help from my God and some support from people (sometimes) all helped me sooo much.

that persistent bad thought that you "are not gonna make it" - i honestly believe it is a LIE. it is that mean, critical voice that tears a person down. the positives in your life outweigh the negatives. feelings are powerful but not always true. they can be dead wrong but the strength of the feeling fools us into believing it is "true". don't believe it. you can and will get better. and i do care. and i'll be glad to email if you ever want to do that. i still remember that time and i wish someone had said this to me and been willing to keep on saying it until i could believe it myself. LOOK AT THE NEGATIVE VOICE AS THE REAL ENEMY - not you, not family, not anyone else, but that mean voice is an enemy trying to wear you down from inside your own mind.

i didn't really answer your question how to keep your strength. all i can say is that i kept praying to my God and talking to Him and asking Him to rescue me and my family. play with your kids and let the dust bunnies breed. be nice to you and try to eat decently and sleep and take short walks with the kids, do life even if you hate it and it will get better, it is going to get better.

anyway, not meaning to get on a soapbox, but i do care how bad it feels right now. so just hang in there, ok?

leslie and the pixies

[pegasus]

(((((((( Jenn ))))))))))

We are with you on this journey. You can get through this.

[allthegirls6]

I read your post Jen and its heart breaking. I want to say that how you feel is normal. It must be mind boggling to not know whats ahead and i can understand your fear and also your feeling of not being able to motivate yourself. I dont have an answer, but it will pass. You will have more results in November and then things might be different. Im sure they will. Its a body blow you have had and its only natural to struggle, its a big issue Jen. We think of you daily and still we have our fingers crossed for you.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jenn)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry for all you are going through.

BB

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Jenn )))))))))))))))))

[Sannah]

Hi MP, I have seen you around here, this post really caught my attention. I am so sorry that you are in such pain. Many people here probably know you but I do not. Are you in therapy? I looked up your complete astrology chart. You have a lot of Cancer and some Taurus - very sensitive! Sensitive people are my favorite. I hope that we can become friends here and that I can support you.

[BlueFaith]

(((( gimmeice )))) Thank you. I do need you all right now. Thank you for being here and holding my hand.

(((( bipolar_bear )))) Thank you for being here for me. I know you care. You show it to me in so many ways. I appreciate you very much.

(((( nowheretorun )))) Yes, I will look back on this someday and think of all I went through and hold my head high that I was able to endure it. The God I believe in says He won't put more on us than we can handle. So, I know deep down that I will make it through this..even though it may be extremely hard right now. I'm NOT giving up. Just trying to make sense of it all. So far, I haven't been able to do that. Maybe someday I'll understand it... maybe I won't. Either way, I'm going to get through it and live my life. Thank you so much for your love and support.

(((( Manda86 )))) I'm trying to stay strong. Today has been better for me. Love you, too...loads. My PM box is always open to you as well. Anytime.

(((( epiphany )))) That's a good way for me to look at things right now. Thank you so much for that. Gives me a "new" way to look at my situation. And, that's helps. I appreciate it alot.

(((( turquoisesea )))) Thank you. And, yes, it does mean alot. It means a whole lot to me. It's very hard not to give up at times like these, but I try to remember I'm not the only one going through this, and, unfortunately, won't be the last. I think sometimes I just over analyze things and I get myself all worked up. I believe yesterday was one of those days. I've tried extra hard today to just go with the flow and feel my feelings as they come.

(((( multipixie )))) Yes, I believe sometimes we listen to the wrong voices inside ourselves. But, being physically ill like I am right now makes it extremely hard for me to just shut those voices out. I'm trying to be positive.... each and every day. Yesterday was just SO hard. Trying to figure out "why me" and "why now". The depression is setting in again because of my physical situation. I'm trying hard not to let it take me over again, though. If nothing else, then I can say I've learned new things about myself through this so far. And, I'm sure there's lots more for me to learn. You are very wise... you've been through hell and back, too, it seems. Thank you so much for your post. I'd be more than happy to email with you. That would be great. I'll PM you my email address.

(((( pegasus )))) You've always been so kind to me. Thank you for being here by my side through this. I need..truly NEED.. all the support I can get. Love ya!

(((( allthegirls6 )))) You've been my friend here for a long time now, and I think very highly of you. Thank you for understanding. Knowing you are in my corner makes me feel better. Yes, I will know more in November. The 11th to be exact. Right now, that seems like an eternity away. I think the waiting is worse than anything. Thanks for continuing to be here for me... through thick and thin.

(((( Fuzzy )))) My dear, sweet bear friend. You mean so much to me, and I really thank you from the bottom of my heart.

(((( Sannah )))) Thank you. I was in therapy until a couple of weeks ago...my therapist moved away. So, now I'm in search of a new one... to start again. Yes, I'm a Cancer... and, unfortunately, I hate that word because cancer is what I'm facing right now. But, I have faith that I will make it through. I am very sensitive... always have been and probably always will be. I think being sensitive makes me look more closely at how other people feel, and to be more compassionate. So, being sensitive is something I'm happy to be. Your support means alot to me. I don't know you well, either, but I'd love to be your friend. You feel like a friend already anyway.

((( MP )))

People worry because they care, and I know it hurts to see people worrying about you, but they worry because you matter to them.

I don't have the same experiences as you but I know how hard it can be just just hang in there- but you're a tough person and tough people can last through tough times. It's unfair that hard issues and levied onto good people, such as yourself, but I'm sure you can make it through.

Take care.

[pachyderm]

MP, whatever the future may be -- you are alive NOW.

[turquoisesea]

Mental Pollution

[BlueFaith]

(((( Griffe )))) Thank you. Yes, I know they worry because they care. I understand that. It's just hard to know that I'm the reason for worry. I'm really used to being the one giving...not the one taking. And right now I'm taking...a lot. Just one of my shortcomings, I guess... not being used to taking. If that makes any sense. lol I'm digging my heels in the dirt... I refuse to just give up and let this win. No way. I'm gonna fight.

(((( pachyderm )))) How right you are. I am here NOW, and that stands for a lot all in itself. Thanks.

(((( turquoisesea )))) Thank you so much for the support.

((Jenn))))))))))))))))))) You will beat this ,...you are stubborn like me
You will win...
In the mean time know they worry cause they love you so very very much
and you are worth that worry...........
Let your family help you.............that way they know they matter
and they do not feel helpless either
You did not cause this......it just happened
there is no rhyme or reason to this....
Never ever give up hope
it is ok to be scared.......
All of pc is here for you ...
muffy

[nowheretorun]

(((Jenn))) i was talking with a friend today about this being chosen/not choosing place we find ourselves.. its spiritual... he said, ' several receive the calling, but only a few will answer'.... something to think about... sending hope always.. you WILL make it!

[Justgiving]

Often people don't know what to say. Maybe just tell them to hug you tight because sometime they don't even know this is all they have to do.

I know you are strong MP but it's alright to fall apart at times like this and even if people close to you see it, it's ok, they can handle that. Their love for you will handle it.

(((((((((((((MP)))))))))))))

I have faith you will make it.

[BlueFaith]

(((( Justgiving )))) Thank you. I can understand what you are saying. If I were them I probably wouldn't know what to say to me, either. Seriously. I wouldn't. And I have fallen apart... over and over within the past couple of months. They've seen it, and it's nothing I'm trying to hide. I'm not keeping it together all the time... by any means at all. But, I have to continue to be strong and stay as positive as I can through this. Like I said, I have my days where I don't want to get outta bed. All I want to do is cry sometimes. And, I do. But you make a good point when you say they can handle me falling apart. I tend to not realize that most of the time. I feel like I'm being a burden... and I hate doing that. I need to learn to let it all out when I'm feeling like I need to instead of letting it build up until I'm forced to let it all out. Then it's much harder than if I'd just feel what I need to feel...when I need to feel it. I guess it's something I'm gonna have to learn how to do. Still so much to learn about myself and how my relationships with others are supposed to work. Again, thank you so much. I appreciate your support a lot.