Slipping Down Even Further...Again.. *Huge Trigger!!!*

*Sob*. People are spreading stuff about me around college, being really nasty and bringing stuff up from the past that had settled, that I felt incredibly guilty for, that I still feel incredibly guilty for.. And no-one, absolutely no-one gets it.. I've just told Connor something I told him I'd said to Sky and had sworn to myself I'd never say again, my deepest, darkest, most awful secret. I feel like he's just gonna say "ugh. You make me sick" or something, but he asked to know, so I've told him..

Everyone's chosen the most wrong time to ***** with me, seriously, they have and they're all building up my ammo and I'm gonna lose it, seriously.. I can't take it anymore. I can't do this, I can't turn a blind eye to it.. I'm guilt ridden, fat, ugly, disgusting, repulsive and everyone hates me.. Even my own boyfriend.. *sobs even harder* I hate this! I hate it so, so much! And nobody sees it!! I'm fed up of putting on a happy, brave front, pretending to be confident, rising above it and holding my head high..

I just want to slump into a heap on the floor and cry and never stop.. Cry myself to death, It's a horrid, awful feeling, but no-one's helping me! No-one! They're all against me! Working against me, not WITH me.. I'm fed up of listening, smiling, nodding, pretending I'lll be fine, that I'm coping just fine.. I'm not.. I've got no control, because everyone else tries to control me all the time, I have no control of my own because no-one will let me have it!!!

I'm sick of it.. Sick and tired.. My body's weak, exhausted, tired, slumped.. Dom, when I was on the treadmill said "Kirst, you're walking like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.." That's because it feels like I am!! I NEVER get to make my own decisions with a bit of guidance from others, with just a bit of a "maybe this would be a better idea because.." instead of "No! You're wrong, you're allllll wrong! THIS is what's RIGHT!" I'm fed up of it!! I know better than anyone else, what's better for me and what's not, tbh.. Not even Connor knows what's best for me..

He doesn't get that just a bit of guidance when I ask for it is all I need instead of an argument about it.. Instead of butting into it and making the decisions for me when I didn't even want any help with it.. If he sees me doing something wrong, all he has to do is say "Kirst, have you thought about doing this? Do you want some help with this?" Then, I'd feel better.. Like someone actually gives a s**t.. Because I'm fed up of no-one giving a s**t about what I feel and what I think.

I don't need to be told I'm wrong all the time and for others to take MY control away.. I need to be told from time to time "i think you did the right thing there.. You need to have more confidence in your own decisions now, you're doing the right things now.." He never ever says that, it's always when I do something wrong that he comments.. That's why I doubt myself so much.. I mean, I know for a fact that I've made the right decision and action of not lending out money, i knwo that I've made the right decision to invite a friend over this weekend, to talk about things to someone that's been through it and come out of the other end, I've made the right decision to see someone from SWEDA, I've made the right decision to drop my crappy therapist who makes me feel worse and get a better one, I've made the right decision to get help with the rape and other abuse.. Yet, I can't praise myself because no-one else has praised me yet, most importantly, Connor hasn't praised me.. Have I done the right things, from what's listed above?

I'll ask Laura when i see her on Wednesday and when she tells me what she thinks, I know I'll come out feeling better because she's honest and she's helping me to praise myself more.. If she praises me, I'll praise myself.. But for now..

I feel nuts for saying this and I'm not a violent person, but in the fragile state I'm in now, if one of my abusers, or anyone that's ever hurt me badly, traps, hurts, upsets, angers (etc) me just once more, they'll get more than me shouting, or a punch in the face, or a kick in the gut.. Seriously they will.. i hate saying that. Really, I do.. But it's just so true.. I know I need help, but no-one sees that.

Just.. Need a cuddle and some kind words? Is that much to ask?

you said...my answer to that question isabsolutely not!!! everyone needs validation. it means a lot especially when it comes from a family member, a close friend, a bf. i understand what you are saying and i think you said it well. i am truly sorry you feel so badly. i'm truly sorry you are not being heard. but, i heard you, and others here will too. we care. i care.
i hope that you won't feel this way too long. you deserve to feel worthy of being heard. perhaps the ppl you are talking to don't have the understanding or the human capacity to deal with it. that doesn't help that they are like that, i know. keep posting and get all those horrible things out in the open. it will lessen the intensity of your frustration. try not to give these ppl "rent space in your head". it's not worth it. try to do something to get them out of your mind if you can. your mind is tired. i know. i've felt the same way in the past.

no its not ...(((((((((thepainneverdies))))))))
is it okay if i just can give you ahug

Thank you, the hugs helped.

I've been really struggling over the weekend. Had a major, horrible panic attack on Saturday.. I posted about it in the anxiety, panic and phobias section.
I'm still really edgy today and I'm still quite angry.. Just waiting for the next person to hurt me and I feel I'm getting dangerously close..

It's not helping, feeling like this, but somehow.. I just can't seem to stop it. It feels so wretched and I just want to cry and never stop and be cuddled all the time, feel like someone actually genuinely cares, you know?

I hope today is a better day.

[quote=ThePainNeverDies;931488 I'm fed up of putting on a happy, brave front, pretending to be confident, rising above it and holding my head high..

I just want to slump into a heap on the floor and cry and never stop..Like someone actually gives a s**t.. Because I'm fed up of no-one giving a s**t about what I feel and what I think.

I feel nuts for saying this and I'm not a violent person, but in the fragile state I'm in now, if one of my abusers, or anyone that's ever hurt me badly, traps, hurts, upsets, angers (etc) me just once more, they'll get more than me shouting, or a punch in the face, or a kick in the gut.. Seriously they will.. i hate saying that. Really, I do.. But it's just so true.. I know I need help, but no-one sees that.

Just.. Need a cuddle and some kind words? Is that much to ask?[/quote]

One thing I took away from my hospitalization is that everyone has the right to not try their best all the time. You have the right to not put on a brave face, to let your head hang down in pain. It's okay.

It is actually a healthy thing that you would want to hurt one of your abusers. It means you want to defend yourself. That you are angry with what happened to you (what is happening to you) and that you want to act on that anger. I'm not saying that punching someone is the right way to act but the anger is good. And who knows, if someone tries to physically harm you, punching them might be exactly what you need to do.

I know I don't know you IRL and I rarely respond to anything you write but I've been following your posts very closely and care very much about what happens to you, about how you feel. I do see that you need help and usually I don't write because I feel powerless to help you. What could I possibly say to make your pain any less, to protect you from the idiots that keep making your life harder than it would already be? I'm sorry I can't offer you a real hug, a face to face encouragement, a real look of love. But I guess the alcohol I'm consuming is giving me the courage to tell you that I deeply care. I pray for you. I get scared when you hurt yourself. I get mad when others hurt you. I don't know what else to say.

Thankyou *sob*

Last night I didn't sleep very well, I couldn't get to sleep, kept waking up, then woke up at around 5 and after that my sleep was restless and barely existant. It's ok.. I'm trying not to let them hurt me.. I got a card from my abusive Adoptive Mother.. She got to me, i couldn't help but cry.. She wrote in the card about my dog.. In the snow.. Without me, enjoying herself, not knowing what it was, snuffing it and blowing it into the air.. My God, did I cry But I thought 'I can't let her get away with this and know she's getting away with it', so I sent her a text in reply to the one she'd sent me about bringing my dog to see me, take her for a walk.. Cuddle her again.. Smell her soft fur.. I sent a message sounding really excited saying I was going to be moving into a flat sometime very soon. I knew she was stuck when she replied with fantastic I hope it's nice.. I said "It's definately going to be nice because it's in the Gold band, so it's one of the best" she then said great you must deserve it, let me know how you get on.. I hated her for that because.. I know I deserve to move into a lovely flat and be happy, I know that while she wrote that, she was thinking 'huh, she's not deserving of anything nice.'

But I felt proud that I'd got her stumped, that I'd... Stuck up for myself and made myself proud. I still strive to be perfect, to show her that I'm better than she thinks I am.. Sometimes.. And I hate this.. I want to go back, because I think about it and think.. 'As much as I got abused, I had it easy. I got food paid for, for me, even if it wasn't cooked for me, I didn't have to pay for the roof over my head either, so I should have just stopped complaining, keep my gob shut..'

I hate thinking that because I could never go back to the abuse.. I couldn't go back because they wouldn't accept me because they all hate me, because I'm not good enough for them.. I still feel like they're important to my life.. But at the same time, I hate their guts.. i don't understand it.. I don't understand me..

Funny, though, how they didn't come and visit me when i was in hospital because of the overdose.. I told my twin it was an overdose, but it was accidental.. Pff. And I'd made a lot of effort to at least Try and see my twin when she was in hospital with a crushed ankle.. i was kind to her, said not to worry about being under general anesthetic and that it'd be ok, she will wake up etc.. yet none of them could be arsed to even so much as be nice to me, send me a text or call me to make sure I was ok..

Why do I bother?