[vacantangel]

Ooops! Sorry, just read my post was not an acceptable kind of post so I've deleted it. Oh well. Didn't mean to disobey the rules.

[h0kie]

It's the disease talkin' AG. (((((AG))))) Things will get better...we just have to keep fighting. Easy to say, right? I've been in dark places hon...and I made it out. Holler if you need anything.

[vacantangel]

sorry, stepped over the boundaries of what's acceptable again.

[Isolated_Guy]

AngelGirl, one of the reasons I decided I can't stay away from this forum is because of people like you. If you didn't think there was any hope left, you wouldn't have made this post. I'm sure much of it has to do with seeing what's happening to your mom.

I want to share something with you because maybe you'll see how this is a part of life and you may not feel so alone.

Eight years ago, my mother started showing sudden symptoms which turned out to be Alzheimer's. I'll never forget the night I received a phone call from her neighbor, saying she has been taken to the hospital. My mother was living alone and woke up her neighbors late at night, knocking on the front door. She was very frightened, saying there were "people in her house, who would not leave". She was diagnosed with "senile dimentia" and released from the hospital after appearing normal a few days later. I ended up having to go and stay with her to make sure she was ok. Things got pretty much back to normal until one night. I woke up to the sound of my mom pounding at my door. She was frightened as could be and had a knife in her hand. She described to me all these people she could see right in front of her, walking through the house. When I saw the front and back door wide open as well, I knew I had to call 911. Soon after that, I had to make the worst, but the only possible, decision to place my mother in a nursing home. Over the next few years, I had to see her slowly slip away from me and the feeling is something I can't explain. She died from final complications of Alzheimer's a year and a half ago and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her.

I'm still here an I managed to get through it.

AngelGirl, no matter what happens, you'll be able to do it too.

[h0kie]

Can't and never aren't words I like to use. Keep even the littlest fight there with you...

I know your heart is broken...take a break...give him a bit to sort out his feelings too. Emotions on both ends are running very high. Give yourselves some time. Sometimes, distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Take it one day at a time...one hour at a time...one minute at a time. Whatever gets you through. It will get better.

Lots of . I refuse to give up on you.

[vacantangel]

IG, I'm sorry that you went through that with your mom. That must've been a very frightening thing for you to go through as well as painful.

However, this isn't about my mom. It's about heartbreak. Loving somebody unconditionally with all my heart and having it squashed. I'm tired of rejection and being abandoned. It hurts way too much and I still have all this love for him. It's not going to go away and it's not wanted. I'm unlovable in that way. This is proof. My heart has been crushed into a million pieces.

[vacantangel]

Thanks but I don't believe for even a second that he's going to change his mind. I don't have any hope for that at all. He's made his position very clear.

[vacantangel]

BTW IG, I'm sorry that I'm such a disappointment to you.

[Isolated_Guy]

Such a disappiontment to me? WHAT?

You're kidding, right?

YOU are one of the reasons I decided to come back after what happened.

I wish I could give you a big (((((((((HUG)))))))

[vacantangel]

Yea, but then when you come back, I'm not that much to come back to. That's why I said that I was sorry that I disappointed you. Thanks for the hugs and the PM. Just wish I deserved them.

[Isolated_Guy]

I wish there was something I could say to make you see things different but just maybe go back and do a review of your recent posts see and the warm way people responded to you. I see things from a different perspective on this than you and I see a lot of LOVE. If only you could see it?

[vacantangel]

IG, I do see that love. I'm not denying that. What I need is romantic love and I had it with a wonderful person. I gave my love to him unconditionally. I love him with every ounce of my heart. But it's over now and I still love him just as much and I wonder all the time how he is doing in every way and I can't ask him because he doesn't want me to talk to him at all. I'm very concerned about him and I always worry about him. Now I worry more because I can't talk with him to find out how he is. And what do I do with my love that I have for him when he doesn't want it anymore.

[Isolated_Guy]

Hi, AG. I sent you PM this morning, telling you of my recent online/long distance relationship that was taken away from me before we had the chance to even meet. It was the first taste of anything like that and did it ever hurt when she suddenly decided to cut me off for good. What you're going through is something that's been happpening to people since day one. That doesn't make it hurt any less but it makes you know you're as human as everyone else.

[Wants2Fly]

((((((((((((((((((AngelGirl))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((IG))))))))))))))))))))))))

[vacantangel]

I've read and replied. Yes, it is what's been happening since day one but this constant rejection and abandonment is too much for me. My life is full of it. It's never going to change.

[vacantangel]

Thanks for the hugs. Sadly, I can't feel them anymore.

[Isolated_Guy]

AG, it's "never going to change" if you have this attitude going into every relationship. It's not as simple as it sounds, I know. If anyone knows what it's like to hold on to old belief systems instead of getting a different perspective, that would be me! You've seen that in action here and I'm at the point where I just have to do something different. From everything I've read that you've posted, you are being your worst enemy. It's hard to see but much of that has to do with the state your in. You have a full plate with your mom right now so please don't be so hard on yourself, OK?

[nothemama8]

Just beleive in yourself sweetie, we do
Good to see ya back IG
Angie

[vacantangel]

I don't have the attitude that 'it's never gonna change' when going into a relationship. That's just it. When I'm loved, I feel great. It's the most joyous feeling in the world to know that somebody actually loves me and to know that I can love somebody and want to to anything for them, to want the best for them, to be concerned for they're well-being and want them to be happy. Who would not want that. I'm on top of the world then BUT when it is snatched out from under my feet in but a fleeting second, my whole world is shattered. I still give my love to the person even though they don't receive it or want it, they can't stop my love, love doesn't stop on a dime just because it is not received. I still love regardless of what happens to it. But my life falls apart knowing the love is no more. It's always the same. History keeps repeating itself. My love is not wanted, not the romantic love anyway. I just keep going through this same rejection and abandonment over and over again. Each time it takes away more of my soul. It rips me apart. What is the point when the outcome is always the same. There is no point. Continual sadness, heartbreak, rejection, abandonment. There is no love for me, there never will be. I don't want a life without romantic love, one that is not returned to me. Yes, I can still love and I still do, I love him with every ounce of my being but it dissapates into thin air. I need it back, I need him to return it but it's not going to happen, it's never going to happen for me.

What's there to do differently? I'm on a ton of drugs, in therapy, gone to the crisis center at the ER at the hospital. What else is there to do? I can't deal with the constant mood swings, although right now I'm stuck in the abyss. I don't see this ending anytime soon, short of a miracle. Sometimes the length of one of my depressive cycles can be for months. I've been here for a long time before and I will be again now. I'm tired of being here, I'm tired of always coming back here, I'm tired of giving romantic love and it being rejected even though I continue to send my love to that person, they just don't feel or receive it anymore. How can we live without love, without the person we love? I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. I have little left other than that abundance of love that I continue to send unrequited. I don't blame him at all, I blame me. You're right, I am my own worst enemy. I destroy the very things that I want the most, even if subconsciously. I guess on some level I don't feel worthy of the other person's love. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just rambling again with empty words from a very empty person.

[vacantangel]

Angie, I wish I could but there is nothing left to believe in except that I will never have anybody who loves me in a romantic way, who loves me for me, with all my faults, mistakes and BP crap. That's a lot to expect from anyone. I just keep ending up with a shattered heart and it's my fault, it always is. I don't blame him, I blame me.

[nothemama8]

Can't you have a platonic relationship also, that way you can have the love your searching for when the time is ready and you won't be alone
Angie
PS
Why won't you answer my PM's kid ya mad at me?

[vacantangel]

sorry about the pm's. i guess i was tied up reading something long, don't remember, memory is useless. anyway, you know i've replied your pm's now.

it did start platonic but it didn't take me long before my feelings escalated. it happened so quickly before i knew what was happening.

[Isolated_Guy]

AG, you are hardly an "empty person".

You said some things a couple of posts back which I hope is a sign that you are at least thinking about the point I want you to understand. Speaking of expectations, maybe you also expect too much too soon? Even though that's the opposite of what I told you, it's possible to feel both ways at once. You may have given up on you but we're not!

[wisewoman]

Angel, I don't know if you can hear this or take it in. I know it is easy for me to say. You do not need a relationship right now. You need to take a step back and see yourself and who you are, who you want to be and start moving in that direction. It is not healthy that any "romantic" love should have the overwhelming power you speak of. We all want love. I understand how needy you feel right now. I want you to know that the love and caring here IS REAL and that you can feel better inside of yourself without a romantic interest. When you are more healed inside you will be in a better place to make good choices about relationships. I hope for you that you can look in the mirror and say it is not your problem that the love is not returned, you are good and you are going to get healthy. You must make yourself the priority. I know you don't feel it now but ever hear "fake it till you make it'? Be loving to yourself the way you have been putting love out there for the other. Tell yourself that you deserve love and then give it freely to yourself. You will then be able to feel it more from us here and your face to face supports. Please try to take this in. You do not deserve to suffer.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry about how you're feeling.

I have resigned myself to the fact that my life changed from the accident and that I will not have what society deems a "normal" life of fun family relationships etc I havehad to create a new life.try to accept what I can and move on.

I'm confused, as often happens on boards and shorter postings and my poor memory... don't take offense... did you really just post about how your mood swings upset you, yet now you are in an abyss and you're upset about that too? Is that rather clear that you just aren't happy, no matter what state you're in? I've been there.. as many ppl here have, are.

IMO one of our "jobs" in life is not fixing everything, ourselves etc but to learn to be content in whatever situation into which we are placed. Easier said than done

feel better