ANGRY, SAD, and so CONFUSED

What do I do?? Not too long ago I read a post by someone here I believe in the creative corner. I related so very much to this and feeling close to it now. I would like to quote some of it and hope this is allowed: if not give me crap:

When is it okay to say?
'Enough is enough'?
When is it okay to say?
'It's time to check out'?

This continues on and makes so much sense when I read it over and over again. How do we fight when we depend on 'professionals' to help us help ourselves. I had finally reached a point to say to myself: "Justy, its time to get better. If you can't do this for yourself then do it for your kids, the ones that count on you." I had to convince myself to go to the hospital, one of the most difficult things that I had to battle with inside. But I went and tried so hard to hold on. I let go as there was nothing or nobody to grab ahold of. They walked by me while I was in tears, stared at me with the sadness in my eyes, embarrassed me in front of others, argued against what was set up as a plan--a PLAN THAT I MADE with MY ED THERAPIST. But no, they just would not listen, not follow this to help me help myself. WHY DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So what, is this the end then? I have no more options, I have no where to get the help that I need.

Please tell me what the point is, what do I do anymore? The breakdown started with the professionals, not me. But I am being blamed for it. I fought, I spoke up for once, I told them what I needed...they could not give this to me. All they did is sit on their butts unless they needed to give out meds. What the hell is with that anyway?? So I went in sick and came out sicker. So is this my time then to check out? What message does this send to the ones that are ill? I can't do this on my own, thats why I finally admitted this and went for help. I can't do this on my own.

Justy

Complain and complain and go to an energency room, a church, a shelter. Giving up is forever.

Justy, I may not be much help but I want to tell you that I'm here and I heard the pain in your voice.....please, please, don't do anything now. Find someone, anyone, to talk to in person.......can you call a family member???? I understand the feeling of no support but lots of meds.....please hang in there....xoxox pat

((((((Justy)))))) Keep complaining. Complain to anyone that will listen...complain to everyone that won't listen. My mom has a "system"...she starts at the top and works her way down. Call the head of hospital...call the head of your city/county. Call the news! Keep complaining and telling your story until you get the statisfaction you need/deserve.

Take care of you. Thinking of you.

I hear you ((ww and fayerody)).

ER is not an option, I can't keep going though what these people do. I think I just need someone to hold me for a while so I can cry with no conditions attached. As low as I feel, its hard to even release this pain anymore. I think the crying to the point of severe headache was better than this. I feel like this robot, just do what is expected of me and at the end of the day wonder if I will wake up. And I do, don't I.

Family is definetly not an option. My mother has figured all of this out and is angry at me. She has been not a fun person to talk with: she is flat out rude to me on the phone. My father is his usual abusive self. Sisters, ha-only by blood. They know I was in the hospital and have not called. And u know, I don't care about that: why don't they call the kids to see how they are doing? My mom had a mamogram done and just got her results: cancer has spread. They thought she was in remission until these results came back. Her lymphoma was looking like it has "settled" but now her mam is showing that it has spread. I spoke to her briefly two days ago and she has to go see her new cancer doc on Monday to discuss options. I wish her the best but just can't be with her right now. My mother wants to close her eyes to what has happened to all of us during our childhood. Does not want to accept any responsibility for the abusive ways both of them had during our childhood. And they continue--I can't do it. I am so sorry for her pain but I have no strength left to pretend that things are okay. I can't pretend that life has been simply wonderful....too darn tired.

Justy

((((((JUST))))))

Im so sorry for your pain.

Yuck.......no family support. that sucks....how about a minister? a good friend? someone that can sit with you and hear you???? if i could i'd bring you some cookies and fix tea and we'd just be.......pat

Justy, there is always a smile and a moment with the kids. Your parents are heavy in denial but your life or death is up to you. I hear that you are sick of the system and I am there, have been there. I wish you could find one safe person to validate your feelings and hold you in the way that you need. I am thinking about you.

Thanks everyone, sorry I missed u 1day, (i think I was replying at the same time so I did not see ur reply right away).

I wish I could as well ww: I know that life and death is up too me.

I can't sit here long, sorry but my back is going nuts: feels like razor blades shooting through my back and legs.

Justy-thinking of u too

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Justy)))))))))))))))))))))))

So sorry for your pain, and that I don't have more to give right now.

((((((((((((((((Justy))))))))))))) I'm so sorry for all this you;re going through .

((((((((((((((((((justy))))))))))))))))))

i am here for you too. i been there where i thought the doctor was helping but all she was doing was opening doors that i wish to keep close. it is hard when you don't know who you trust or who would understand. i undestand and i am here for you. we can do this together and you are not alone. i feel the sameway as you do. so come and talk with me when you want too ok..i know it is hard but we can do it.

angel68_eyes@yahoo.ca

this is not the end it could be the begaining for you and me and everyone else too. i am unhappy and i know why and it isn't my depression it is how those treat you. it is those around you who make you feel the way you do. not everyone going to understand that is why you should fine those who understand. and i know it makes you mad when those who don't understand tell you to go and get help or get pills to help you. those should stop pushing and try to understand and listen. that is the problem no one wants to listen and care. it is all about them. all we want is someone to listen and take the time to understand.

that i can do for you.

(((((Wants2Fly, Silver, Fuzzy, lostangel))))): thanks for these words, you all mean a great deal to me.

Don't ever apologize Wants2Fly, we don't always know what to say and so many are going through so much that it can be tough to have words for others. But you know what: just knowing that you came here to tell me that you are thinking of me is the biggest gift you can give and have always given me.

The hugs and absolutely beautiful pictures, and of course the smilie dudes always make me smile. And that what makes it feel so much better inside--please know this.

lostangel: this picture that you have beside your name: is this your family?? Absolutely gorgeous family. (dont mind my spelling). And the image---WOW, I love to stare at this. I am an art lover, take me to a gallery and you will never get me out of there; lolol. I would love to talk with you and will write down your email: I thank you very much, more than I can express.

I can't believe how much of a struggle this has been. Seems to get harder everyday to accomplish anything at all. I was really hopeful but have lost this once again. Just feel like sheeeetttttt. My back is not doing as bad. I get the sharp pains but at least I can walk without looking like I have a stick (well u know where). hehe. My hips are out of whack which makes me walk funny. OH well, if someone doesn't like it, then don't look at me.

Thanks everyone, I always look forward to listening to you,

Justy

(((((((((((((((((((((((( justy ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am looking to hear from you too. And yes those are my two kids and that is me. I understand don't worry.