Angry, confused, disgusted

I am going through a mixed state right now and just wanted to vent to people I know would read this and understand. I am at work right now. I am waiting for my period which leaves me in a foggy stuppor. I seem to have lost the mastery over the english language. I can be looking at an object and go to say it's name and another word will come out that has nothing to do with what I am trying to say. For the past two days I have been in a heightened state of mind, but not a good one. Not only do other people bug me but I bug myself. I have just fought with the stapler and threw it on the floor. My co-workers shoes are so loud when he walks down the wood floors in the hallway I could scream. I took down two phone numbers wrong which I could of sworn I double checked. I got inappropriately angry at not being able to find a file, slamming stuff around. Everytime the phone rings it sends jolts in my head. I know it is obvious something is wrong with me to my co-workers as one even said " I wasn't like myself". I am afraid I will say or do something I will regret. Plus on top of it I am having panic attacks everyday. I am on a beta-blocker and know that if I weren't my heart would go into defib. I just called my doc to give me more xanax. I wanted to get off of that as much as I could but I am trying to ride this wave as I call it until it's through. I hate this illnes, I hate it. Always wondering if this time this will be the cycle that takes me out.
Jojuli

Hello I am so sorry you are having a hard time at this time. I hope things get better for you soon. I think you made a wise decision to call your Dr to help you with your medication at this time. Take care Soidhonia

Just want to let you know that you're not alone. I feel the way you do much of the time. I am annoyed and frustrated with every little thing. It WILL pass, and you will be ok again.

I just wanted to give those ones who replied to my frustration a huge thank you. Just seeing a few words of comfort and support really made a difference. Today has totally changed from yesterday. Not overwhelmed by my senses or intense emotions or anxiety. Going from ups to downs is sooooo exhausting though. I was apprehensive about joining this site. I've haven't shared anything about my illness in several years. Tomorrow I go to my therapist, I'm hoping to be able to explain what's been going on. Thank you, thank you again!!
Jojuli

Hi Jojuli-
I just wanted to first thank you for posting your thoughts for the rest of us to see. I have been looking for someone who was feeling like me and I totally identified with the stuff you were describing.
I hope today has been a better day.

It feels better just to know that we are not alone.

--valerie

It seems funny to say this, but I am so glad someone goes through some of the same things as I do. I wouldn't want to wish this illness on anyone. But knowing another person has the same feelings with this illness makes me realize I am not alone and I can be of some worth. Thanks for letting me know. I actually feel a little safer sharing my thoughts........a step forward.
Jojuli

Glad you're feeling better. The symptoms can really get to you & sometimes they are a sign you are going into a relapse so it is good you called your doc & are seeing your therapist.--Suzy P.S. Can identify with the sensitivity to noise & I told off a co-worker which didn't go over well. Also, honked at a slow moving funeral procession that was being led by the police cuz they weren't going fast enough for me!

Mixed state
Main article: Mixed state (psychiatry)
In the context of bipolar disorder, a mixed state is a condition during which symptoms of mania (or hypomania) and clinical depression occur simultaneously (for example, agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, insomnia, disturbances appetite, irritability, morbid and/or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, psychosis, pressured speech, indecisiveness and rage). [5]

In at least 1/3 of persons with bipolar disorders, the entire attack--or a succession of attacks--occurs as a mixed episode.

Mixed states can be the most dangerous period of mood disorders, during which panic attacks, substance abuse, and suicide attempts increase greatly.

A dysphoric mania consists of a manic episode with depressive symptoms. Increased energy and some form of anger, from irritability to full blown rage, are the most common symptoms. Symptoms may also include auditory hallucinations, confusion, insomnia, persecutory delusions, racing thoughts, restlessness, and suicidal ideation.

Alcohol, drugs of abuse, and antidepressant drugs may trigger or aggravate dysphoric mania in susceptible individuals

Glad you are doing better. I get those jolts from nowhere too. Feel like little shocks. Very unsettling. I so appreciate, like was stated, people who can articulate the things some of us find so hard to put on paper.

Hi,

I'm very glad you posted about your situation. Many here, understand.

I have a question for you, and please don't be offended, as it's not meant to be that way at all. Have you ever had a concussion or a brain injury of any kind? I have BD, but the things you described sounded exactly like me after my head injury.

I do have the milder form of BP though and that might make the difference.

I wish you well,

January