Angry, confused, hurt. What is wrong with me!!!

I had my session today with T. When we got there he wanted to know how my appt with the out reach team went, if they upped my meds? I told him yes, and she also prescribed a sleeping pill. I haven't been sleeping, I fall right asleep but the nightmares wake me, or I am thrashing so hard in bed, my husband wakes me to bring me out of them. He doesnt' agree with the sleeping aids, says I would be better off taking the Zoloft at night, and to call her and ask her if that is ok, then he says the nightmares are because of anxiety, and I am not getting into the REM sleep that I need.

Next we start to talk about working on my inner child, I told him that I havent' been able to do alot, because right now where I am in the work book, is pretty painful stuff. When I do it, the memories flood back along with all the emotions I was feeling then, and how can I do this work, if I can't get past the feelings I am having........so........and here is where I am so confused.....he told me to stop the work, take a break, a long break, get my life back, do something, take a class, so what if this stuff is on hold for the next year or even 5 years, is there anywhere it is written you have to do it now!! I can't even talk right now, I feel just like I did when I was a kid, pushed aside and told not to think about what I am feeling.......so I just sat there, he asked if there was something I wanted to talk about......well how the hell can you think of something after those comments where made, I told him well I did, but you kind of threw a monkey wrench my way!!! Then I told him I wanted to go, this was 30 minutes into our session, he said NO......when you do this, you go home and then I hear from you on how you wanted to say something and didn't.......I told him don't worry you won't hear from me..........he asked if he could make another appt, I said no...........if I need one I will call........when hell freezes over maybe.........I am so confused........hurt..........angry.........ok mad as hell........because I feel like nothing I am feeling matters...........put it back in the box and leave it there, for another 30 years........I can't even get therapy right....I screw that up........what is the use to go on........to deal with anything........for all my life, I have not spoken up for me, I was never allowed to..........never knew how...........did I screw this up because I can't say what I am really thinking??????? Am I that much of screw up that therapy isn't ever going to make me better either.........just stop doing it!!! I cannot believe he said that to me...........I hate him right now........he has put me somewhere that I cannot stand or want to be.......but he just made me feel like I have always felt, that I am not worth it.........get on with my life.....I have been, but also working on this stuff...........I got a job, I get out once in awhile.........I try not to isolate myself anymore........and he wants me to just get on with things.....my life before this was caregiver to mom......she died........I don't know what else to do, her anniversary of her death is in a week and a half, dreading it.......but get on with my life.........I don't even like it when he calls me into his office and stands at the door, I have to walk down the hall........I am so self conscious of everything I do......yet I am ok, and it is time to move on..........what do I do??? What would you do??? Do I even care right now........NO>.......this doesn't make any sense to me!!!!

Sounds like T gave you a bit of a kick up the butt. T does that from time to time and that reminds us of past stuff which triggers feelings of yuck, but anger is kind of a good emotion in that it is energy and gets us going again.

Yes it's painful stuff, I was never allowed to be angry as a child but it's actually an ok emotion and you can learn to use it to spur you on. I hope you keep going with the therapy.

Take care.

It could have been a very poor choice of words where he had no intention of stirring up such feelings. Maybe he was totally unaware of how you perceived his comment. I would call him when you feel ready, and tell him what bothered you so much in the session. Give him a chance to explain himself and make things right. I'm sure he had no intention to "throw you for a loop".

Maybe, but I am not sure of much right now......will I go back, right now....NO.......he just isn't getting it.......or maybe I am such a fool for thinking I could heal!

I think the trouble is that if you are having nightmares and are plagued by horrid memories etc etc etc and thinking of taking sleeping medication because you can't sleep...

Then the last thing that is needed is for you to dwell on painful stuff and / or bring up painful stuff in therapy.

If you aren't coping then you need to learn coping skills so that you are better able to cope when the hard stuff does come up in therapy.

Are you able to do a DBT program at all? DBT focuses on giving you skills like mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness. Linehan suggests that clients learn the skills for a year so that they are fairly automatic BEFORE getting in to trauma work. So... Where you are at isn't that unusual. But.... It might be worth thinking about changing your focus to getting good coping strategies than some painful blend of talking / thinking about trauma and seeking out (potentially addictive) sleeping medications to sedate you into forgetting...

Confused,
I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time!

You say that you told your T that you were at a point in the workbook that caused you a lot of painful memories. The pace with which you work on this can only be chosen by you. Your T may have been trying to make you feel better by saying that you don't have to dive in to the hard stuff all at once to relieve some of your stress.

He sounded genuinely interested in having you stay the whole time and to schedule another appointment. I may be wrong, but it sounds like he really cares for you and wants to help

That being said, I think the comment on you waiting 5 years or so if you wanted could be summed up to: "T, What were you thinking?????"

I hope you find the strength to tell him your feelings about this. I think you would feel much better, but at the least, you would know where you stand.

Take care!

(((Confused))))

Nothing is wrong with you.

Is it possible that T might be protecting you? That he doesn't want to see you hurting so badly....Maybe he is trying to slow the process down a bit so you don't become overwhelmed. In retrospect I know that is exactly what my T did, because I kept becoming retraumatized in his office in the first few months.

And, being retraumatized doesn't do any good nor does it help us integrate our experiences. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now. I'm so sorry. I hope you can let T know what you were thinking and feeling and ask him to explain why he said what he did.

I do know how hard thist is. After a year, I still have trouble speaking up. I remember when I first began with T a year ago, I kept reading "The Courage to Heal," hoping for answers. Some sections I read over and over. I haven't looked at the book in about six months!

T told me the healing takes care of itself. I think I finally see what he means, so, we don't have to beat ourelves over the head with a blunt healing insrument. The healing comes through the working through of the relationship, something I am only beginning to do. I realized last week that I am only in the beginning of my therapy.

Although I did not do DBT training like Alex mentioned, I think T has been laying the groundwork this past year so we can begin to do some real work.

I wish you the best on your journey.

Post deleted by confused4ever

considering how angry and hurt you are at the moment just because someone expressed their opinion, if you can't deal with this - do you think it is wise to start on the harder stuff?
i agree with what's been said, you sound like you need to develop some better coping skills first, however you do that is up to you.

> I still feel like I have been hit in the stomach and that I don't matter anymore, that I should not of started any of this and I was a fool to think I was worth it.

I think that your therapists comment that you could wait 5 years was meant to convey the notion that you can take all the time you need to be ready for this. I think maybe he was trying to take some of the pressure off you. You don't need to do this until you are ready, there is no rush.

I understand that if nobody wanted to hear what we had to say before... That the comment could be taken to indicate that he didn't want to hear now. I'm not sure that that is how he intended it to be taken... But I do think that it speaks to the notion that it might be better if you could do some more groundwork stuff on building trust with him and expanding your coping skills. It isn't that you aren't worth sorting out all this stuff it is more that you are WORTH SO MUCH that you need to look after and take care of yourself so that you are able to cope with doing the work instead of it spiralling you into non-functioning / a great deal more pain.

It the insurance company okayed more visits maybe it is that he realises that you are able to take some time to really build up some coping strategies. DBT doesn't have to be done formally... The idea is more that your therapist helps you function well now and have some good coping strategies (e.g., distraction activities, soothing activities, good rapport and basic trust in him) such that doing the work won't throw you quite so much. DBT is a formal program for doing that, but it doesn't have to be done formally. I think it is more about focusing on issues of current coping (e.g., how to distract yourself from and / or soothe yourself when you are experiencing flashbacks etc). The notion is... That one has a choice. One is able to distract from them if one needs / wants to (e.g., to be able to function at work) but that it isn't solely about avoidance / denial / dismissal of the feelings because one learns how to sit with the feelings (without them being as upsetting) too. Balancing acceptance of a painful emotional state with change of that emotional state and having the power to do whichever you decide. If you can cope better with that stuff then you will be better positioned to gently start delving into the past. If delving into the past throws you off then one can return to focusing on here and now coping strategies until one is better placed to return etc. Cartharsis in the absence of coping strategies doesn't lead to integration. It leads to reinforcing the dissociation / avoidance. It leads to... Unnecessary stress.

> I feel like I am 8 again, and I can't say what I want......if I do, then bad things happen.........

Can you tell him how you feel?

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confused4ever said:
Next we start to talk about working on my inner child, I told him that I havent' been able to do alot, because right now where I am in the work book, is pretty painful stuff. When I do it, the memories flood back along with all the emotions I was feeling then, and how can I do this work, if I can't get past the feelings I am having........so........and here is where I am so confused.....he told me to stop the work, take a break

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confused, if the inner child work is traumatizing for you, would it be better to work on it in therapy, rather than on your own without your T there for support? Did he tell you to work on it outside of therapy? I find that odd for such a major direction and new and difficult exploration to be undertaken on one's own without the therapist.

Maybe his telling you to stop the work and take a break is because he realizes now that you should not be doing that work on your own without his support. But I guess I would expect him to then tell you that if you want to do inner child work, to do it in session. Have you ever asked him why you are supposed to be doing this outside of session?

It sounds like you had a rupture in therapy with him seeming to be telling you things contradictory than before. I'm sorry. That's so painful and I can understand why you feel pushed aside.

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I am so confused........hurt..........angry.........ok mad as hell........because I feel like nothing I am feeling matters...........put it back in the box and leave it there, for another 30 years

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I hope you can tell your T this. I know when I was so angry at my T a couple of weeks ago, when I was able to talk about it, it turned out part of it had been a misunderstanding. It sounds like it would be really helpful to clarify with your T what he is really saying.

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Am I that much of screw up that therapy isn't ever going to make me better either.........just stop doing it!!! I cannot believe he said that to me

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When you reported his words, it did not sound like he said that. At least to me. It sounded like he was more saying you don't need to work on this now if it is so difficult. Take a break from the inner child work (not therapy). You can work on it in a year or 5, if need be. When you are ready. I think that is meant to be reassuring--no pressure to do this now. But he didn't say to leave therapy, did he?

You have another therapist too, don't you? The trauma specialist? Maybe that person would be more comfortable doing the inner child work with you and understand it might be better to do this together.

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What would you do???

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I would go back to therapy and clarify what happened at the session. See if your interpretation is really what he said and meant. Share with him the things you have written here. If you can't have that conversation, write it out in clearly and hand it to him in session and let him read it and respond. Maybe a goal of your therapy right now could be learning to communicate better rather than doing the really painful child work. One of the things my T taught me and my husband when we went for couples therapy was to always seek clarification and not to assume the worst about the other person's meaning and jump to conclusions. It's not easy, but it does help. Not sure if that is relevant to your situation...

I hope you will make a new appointment. You deserve it. Don't give up on therapy or your T yet.

He told me before that if I did the inner child work in session, I would have to guide him on what I needed him to do. He said working on it at my own pace is ok, and that he would be there to help me if needed. So I have been doing it on my own.

I do have grounding skills, and I do have coping methods, I have stopped self medicating myself, and cutting it has been a month now since I have cut, I don't just drink anymore to kill the pain. I know how to ground myself, that isnt what I am freaking out about. What bothers me, is the way he handled things. Which triggered me once again, on all the old emotions and feelings!

Yes, it was a rupture, last session we set goals talked about how long this could take to work out all the emotions and feelings and how to process them. Yesterday's session he talked about stopping and taking a break, which I am not against, but it sounded to me like he was telling me to put the emotions and feelings back in the box and pack it away! And yes, I have a huge tendency to read into things, but that came with growing up in a abusive house, we had to read what was being said, that was the only way I knew if maybe that day I was safe for alittle while!!

Your not the only one that said it didn't sound like he was telling me to stop therapy for awhile. Maybe he isn't, sure sounded that way. He told me he would be there for me if something came up and I needed his support.

One of my problems is talking telling my feelings, saying what is on my mind. It would be great if he could work on this with me, right now I am so hurt that I am not sure what I want to do at this time.

When I got to session yesterday, he had placed a paper clip on the couch for me, I guess he figured it would help, normally it does, but I just shut right down yesterday, like a steel door slamming shut!!

So after I calmed down, which was this morning some time, I called him, got his voice mail. So then I thought about just going to his office, but decided that was not such a good idea. I emailed him this afternoon when I hadn't heard back from him. Now I know what I was feeling and sensing was right. This is what transpired!

Hey Aaron,

Could you please recap yesterday, working on this.

A. So do you mean, take a break, permanently, put everything I pulled out back away?

B.Get on with my life, while I work through things?

____________________________________________

His response

Yeah, I think you need only attend to the past if it is causing you problems in the present. Once stuff is out it can't be put away the same way --- it is out. If you have a cancer, better to know where it is and treat it or get rid of it, but if you know where it is and it is not doing anything bad to the body, OK to let it be. If it starts to make trouble you go after it again.

AS

Now yesterdays session was after last weeks that we talked things out, we both talked about where we stand, about abandonment issues and rejection, about him telling me disclosing was the hardest part, how I disagreed and that the hardest part is now, dealing with my feelings of hoplessness, no self esteem, guilt, useless, everything. We decided to work on the feelings, discuss them process them and go from there. That was last week, then this weeks session I go in with a handful of things to talk about and before I know it, he is telling me I am ok, and to put this stuff away and get on with my life!!!!!! Ok.....feeling like the girl from the excorcist and my head is spinning on my shoulders. So after considering what to do I wrote him this back tonight.

Aaron,

I thought that was what you were saying yesterday. But somehow it just wasn't registering at all. I debated calling, was even going to pop in your office today. But as usual I back away from saying what is on my mind, but I have a great conversation with myself!! Not that, that helps me one bit, but whatever.

So this is where I am at with this, I am going to try to put this simple and to the point without throwing emotions into it.

I am not where you say I am, I do not feel that I am ok, to just put this away, if I put it away it is never coming out again, not willingly anyway, and I don't want something to happen that sets me in motion like I was a year ago. I am not taking the vicadin, or drinking to kill the emotions, or cutting. But it is a battle everyday not to, every single day! You are the one that told me to feel it, it will pass. So I am, and I stop doing the destructive things, and now I am all healed, but how come I still have the internal battle going on! It takes me awhile to figure out what is said to me, I turn it over and over in my head, but I eventually give it a shot! I have always tried what is suggested!

I am so good at reading body language and in between the lines, that is the only way I survived growing up! I knew what you were saying yesterday, it just wasn't registering as possible. I felt like I was a kid again, and being told that what I feel and think doesn't matter, just shut it down and forget about it. That steel door slammed shut pretty hard, and as you were saying it, I could see everything going back in that box, and staying there. I have 30+ years of experience with that, I do it well!

Last weeks session I thought went well, we talked things out, and I told you were I was standing, we talked about abandonment, which is huge with me right now, and just getting bigger, we talked about all the crap I am feeling, remember the 7 emotions, then we talked about facing them and dealing with them and processing them, and that it was something that could be done, that disclosing wasn't the big issue! This week I go in with a bunch of things and then you say I am done, that it is time to put it away and move on....so........move onto where.....I just take all these issues and self esteem and hopelessness, or what ever else is going on and put them away?

We talked about working on anger release in the near future, and not sure where that went?? But I know it is something I have to work on. I journal our sessions when I get home, not sure you knew that, but that way I don't forget what you have said, how I felt and I always go back to it to process it, and work on it. I have gotten so many mixed things this past month or so, one thing is said one week, then another totally out of line from the previous session. I feel like the kid from the exorcist with my head spinning on my shoulders!

I have no idea what I did! But obviously I did do something, or I am just a failure at therapy also. Which is what I am thinking right now, if I can't get therapy right what the hell! You don't have to continue with me, obviously I did something to make this turn of events happen.

Not sure you remember our first meeting, I do.........I am so good at hiding things, you sat there I told you what I did, talked about mom, I have years of hiding things behind me, and you thought that I wasn't a threat to myself! You have no idea how wrong that was! I was going to you at the time to appease my husband, I at that point had no intention of going into any of this with you. It was never ever going to come out, sometimes I wish that were still the case. Your right it can never go back in, but it can get buried deep again.

Val

So I am hurt, right now......I have to find another therapist.....and I am not so sure I have the energy to do that.......I hate starting over, building trust.....I don't even know where to begin to look.

i am so sorry you are going through this, i can feel your pain and confusion through your words. i wish there was some happy little pill that could make it alright. even more though i wish there weren't so many messed up people who don't want to get help and just end up screwing up the next generation with their insanity, try to take comfort in your willingness to do the work to become better, that you are willing to stop the cycle.

hang in there
Linda

This just came in from Aaron, in response to my email last night, I know I have to call and set up a lets get this out in the open session. Scared, afraid I will get there and nothing will come out, or the anger will come out full force!!

Nice letter, you write well .I didn't say you were done. I said since you stopped working in the workbook, that suggested to me you wanted a break. But, I see now that withdrawal is something you have overused in the past. I agree now that you are better off to keep on working on this stuff, but you need a way that isn't so disruptive or upsetting to you. I will keep on working with you forever if that is best for you, but I still think a womans group for abuse survivors would be good also. They will keep you on track and you can help others in the process. Lets look around, I am available to help in any way.

AS