The Big Picture

i had a therapy session on friday that was a real "knock the wind out of your sails" session. it's taking me days to get past it. i've been in shock, denial, pain...the whole nine yards.

i think the reason why this happened is because it's very rarely that i can see the "big picture". i knew went to t that i was "very" present and alert.

we began on a particular subject regarding s*xual inappropriateness in the childhood home. i had so much information available to me to give to him! it was very strange. i couldn't speak quickly enough to get it all out! i had a rare clarity. i had so much information available to me to just grab hold of. it was almost overwhelming. it was only information and memories of this single topic t and i were talking about...and there was alot there. i think t was very aware of this too and really going with it as well. it was very productive.

the problem? t and i put together something there with the information that i had that was truly shocking to me...and very, very sad. i know this is necessary in order for me to heal. i know this. it's just so very difficult to digest. i don't know what to do with the knowledge that i now have. i just don't know.

i think it's a "sharing" that i had friday in therapy. there have been two instances of this in the last week. is this normal? does this mean that it's time for me to see some things and the others now trust me to see/handle it? it's one of the most bizaare experiences i have ever encountered. because now, i can also see just exactly how compartmentalized we are. i still see the bigger picture on this subject. will it always be mine now? do you think this sharing will continue? as uncomfortable as it is, i'm aware that this may be a very big turn around in my therapy and in dealing with DID.

i'm also afraid that if i'm deemed as not handling this well that it will stop.

thoughts and feeback please!

I don't know the answer to any of that Kimmy, nor can I suggest anything. Sorry . But I'll give hugs, if that's ok:

(((((((((((((((((((((((Kimmy)))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((( KD )))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think this is a huge step in therapy. They trust you now to be able to deal with their pain. It's painful, terrifying, and a shite load of very hard work. But I think that we are strong enough to deal with the memories and feelings when they are brought to us or they wouldn't bring them to us. Ya still with me? We have to grieve and morn these memories, because they have been stashed away for so long. This is the most painful part of the healing. It's hard to deal with all of the emotions, We are a master at putting them aside for later. Don't get down on herself for feeling. Scream and cry and kick the pillows. Just know that it's OK. What happened it the past is something to be pissed off about and angry. Plus sad and hurt. It's never bad to have feelings. Having feeling shows that you are becoming a whole person, because everyone has feelings. I know that these are just words and that it doesn't change any of the pain you are feeling. But I Love you and I'm here holding your hand. You are strong and you can do this. You deserve to heal. Baby yourself. Care about you. You are a great person who deserves to be cared for and loved. Love you((((((((((((((((((KD ))))))))))))))) Monty

It's good that you are feeling all this. I don't have any feedback I can give you. But I do understand so well! Big hugs to you.
Love,
RhysMadison

((((kd))))

I agree with Monty in what was said. I do believe this is a very big step in your recovery. I doubt that it is a "test" that you can pass or fail. I think you are getting stronger and the others know this. They pick these times for us this is thier job. Trust in them.

As to what to do with the knowledge...let it digest. Stick with your support and let the shock wear off. It will and you will move past this. Like Monty said it is a grieving process. Let it run the course it needs to run.

I think the end result of all this will be a great thing for you. I am not saying the trip will be easy, I am saying it will be worth it in the end.

(((kd)) You are a very kind and caring person my friend. We are always here for you. Take very good care.

place

Kimmy, I too think it's a good step to be able to see the big picture and I am sorry for the pain it causes. It gets better.

thank you, silver. from everything i've read and heard, this is a good thing...just don't feel so good. it has to be a big step towards cooperation and that's my goal in therapy

(((((((((((((((((((( silver ))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((( monty ))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you so much! i think i'm experiencing for the first time what others have experienced and referred to as "sharing". this is a good thing, i'm sure. it just doesn't feel very good like you said.

thank you for understanding exactly what i'm going thru.

i love you much,

kd

thank you for sharing that you understand, rhysmadison. it feels good to know that i'm not alone and am understood in this journey.

kd

(((((((((((((((((((( place ))))))))))))))))))) thank you so much, good friend.

yes, i think that it's time. i've been saying it's time to t and internally for a year or so now...some of us now seem to be on the same page. that's a good thing.

i'm pulling so on the support that i receive here! i can't believe i'm so blessed to have so many good friends here and to be able to share what i'm going thru and be understood. i've never had that...ever. i don't know where i'd be right now without it. i can't bear to think about it actually. i'm truly blessed. it's helped me more than i can express in words.

i know i can bear this upcoming journey with the support of you and friends like you here.

bless you for your understanding and friendship.

kd

((((((((((((((((((((( ww ))))))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you for being here for me when i was freaking friday. i don't remember much of friday, but i remember you and your support and understanding. thank you again.

love,

Hi kimmy...I don't really know the answers to your questions but I can give safe hugs:

(((((((((kimmy))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((Kim))))))))))))))))))))
You are so strong and they know it. It's time for you to know because of that. You can do it Kim. I have faith in you.

thank you for your support ((((((((((((( cat eye )))))))))))))))

i'm glad you have faith in me wantto

thank you (((((((((((((((((((( wantto ))))))))))))))))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i'm also afraid that if i'm deemed as not handling this well that it will stop.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> kd,
I'm so very proud of how you've been holding up this weekend. You are correct this sure is difficult to digest.

Can you say more about who would be judging you as to how you are handing this? I think you're doing great. I also know the feeling of fear internally that if I truly tell what is going on "they" (classic white coats) will come to take me away. That is my fear.

Can we name yours so it isn't so scary? Totally okay to say no and tell me to buzz off too.

safe support your way hon.

zh, thanks for the reponse. it appears to me that there has been sharing of information. the fear is that the sharing will stop if whoever's sharing with me deems me not capable of handling it.

this is another fear i have. i so understand your fear of the white coat. that's the ultimate fear for me in regardst to therapy.

be safe and thank you again,

kd

I fear "doctors" and their judgements and ways of "helping".... or not

Safe hugs hon from the UK cave ((((((((((((((((((Kimmy))))))))))))))))))

ty ((((((((((((((((((((( fuzzy )))))))))))))))))))))))))

how are you doing?

I sent you a PM

kd,

here's my opinion of the sharing.....if you are deemed capable to handle this information now then your security clearance isn't going to be revoked. I sense that you're in a place where you're strong enough with enough support around you to 'handle' what is coming up and out. Sure there will be feelings of one step forward and two back but that doesn't mean the sharing will stop.

I believe the sharing will continue to evolve and take different forms.

As for the white coats? As long as we're honest with our teams we're okay. My team has assured me that I'd have to be swinging from the chandeliers to have the white coats come.

thinking of you sweetie.

(((((((kd)))))

My friend, as usual I agree with zh. (Only because she is never wrong) The others will continue to share... sometimes quickly and sometimes not so quickly. They know how much and when you can cope with information. Trust your insiders. Be patient, although I know how hard this can be for you.

You are going through a difficult time right now but you are strong and have a lot of people who care about you. You will make it through this without the "white coats".

Take good care my friend. I am here if and when you need me or just want to talk.

place

((((((((((((((((( zh ))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you. that's what i've always heard about sharing. i needed to hear it again

t and i discussed at length reasons for hosp against will. i have no fear of that. i've never been in hosp. he told me 3 or 4 specifics that would get me there...don't even feel close to those, so thank goodness that isn't a fear for me right now. i'm glad you and yours have this understanding as well.

thanks again for support!

kd

((((((((((((( place ))))))))))))))))))))) you and your words have come to mean alot to me.

thank you again for reminding me what's going on and why and that it's going to be ok. i appreciate you for it.

love,

kd

off topic kd....apologies
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
(Only because she is never wrong)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> oh place my dear............I can be as wrong as the sun rising in the west! but thank you for the sentiment.