[Miracle1986]

Why am I so co-conscious with Little Manda? Is it a good thing or a bad thing that I can be "big Manda" on the outside and "little Manda" on the inside? It might be because I live with my husband's family, but I am very good at keeping little Manda hidden. I can act all "big" on the outside and no one has any idea that little Manda is out on the inside. Does that make sense? We feel like we are constantly hiding, but I am not sure if I am hiding or she hiding. Why is this so hard? We don't like it!!! I wish I could either be big Manda or Little Manda... not both at the same time.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Manda86

Why am I so co-conscious with Little Manda? Is it a good thing or a bad thing that I can be "big Manda" on the outside and "little Manda" on the inside?It might be because I live with my husband's family, but I am very good at keeping little Manda hidden. I can act all "big" on the outside and no one has any idea that little Manda is out on the inside. Does that make sense? We feel like we are constantly hiding, but I am not sure if I am hiding or she hiding. Why is this so hard? We don't like it!!! I wish I could either be big Manda or Little Manda... not both at the same time.

Sorry I havent been responding to your posts my keyboard died. all I could do was read. I have a new keyboard now.

Manda Ive been there. its a really good thing that you have so much control now. I didnt achieve this kind of control for years and years in therapy and my treatment team in a hospital had to teach me how to have this much control so that my alters remained inside coconscious with me and didnt pop out misbehaving anymore.

if it goes with you like it did me I bet it wont be long now before you and little manda become one together working like teamwork instand of just being big manda on the outside and little manda on the inside cause it wasnt very long at all after I got this much control that me and my alters became one instead of them inside and me outside. maybe a few months if that.

Manda86... this I recognize in myself. I'm pretty often co-conscious and that makes it all so confusing... That's when I just can't figure out who on Earth I really am...
With my family it doesn't show that I switch... I manage to keep up the "good" front. Certain things trigger the other part of me to appear but it doesn't happen when I'm "my Swedish self". Talking English is the foundation of it all... it seems.

Manda86... does this make you feel like a fake in front of your family? I feel like that.

(((((((( Manda86 )))))))))

[Miracle1986]

Originally Posted by daynnight

Manda86... does this make you feel like a fake in front of your family?

yes I feel so ashamed but I don't know how else to act.

[turquoisesea]

You don't need to feel ashamed for this.

I know where you live with your family is not the most supportive place. I'm not sure how else you can act either, since it's so important to you that you keep this a secret from the rest of the family. I also know it's hard to get alone where you are... if there's any way you can let little manda play during certain parts of the day it might help to keep her more in control later when people are around you

[Elysium]

Manda...

From what I have learned about DID/DDNOS and the way systems and identity states work is that the goal is protection and safety, and typically (especially the littles) will not be as OUT around everybody else because that makes them feel too vulnerable. That is the reason that alters are created, to protect ourselves from overwhelming experiences.

It's important to remember, that little Manda and big Manda equal one person, and not two. You ARE both at once...these parts are you, they have just split to a point were they are more divided so they take on an identity and appear to have lives of their own.

I too have a "host" identity that keeps everything looking good and normal on the outside to everyone else so that they do not realize that the others are there. It is very awkward to feel so little inside and yet appear so mature on the outside as if I am on robot mode. I think this is part of co-consciousness....like flying a plane...you've got Pilot and Co-Pilot, one on the inside having the experiences, but someone else is flying the plane to make things look normal and to protect the system from exposure.

I hope this helps you understand. You are not alone. I think you will find so many others who understand what you are experiencing. It makes sense in my logical mind, yet internally I scratch my head and say !!

P.S. In my opinion, although awkward at times, I think co-consciousness is a good thing. It can be very helpful to be able to communicate and comfort other parts when you start your healing journey with T.

Take care!!

I think I am co-conscious....but sometimes my kids or H will tell me that I am acting like someone else and I think "?!?!?!". It kind of scares me. But I aware enough to be freaked out by hearing that from them. I *think* I am keeping it together all the time for everyone, but then i get messages that I'm not.

DID is super confusing.

[multipixie9]

those who abused us did a lot of programming to make us do certain things and not do other things. one of the biggest deals with them was for us to "pass for normal". we had to "look ok" no matter what horrifying things was happening or we were punished badly. so, it has been taking us a long time to unlearn the bad programming and begin to regain our human feelings and responses.

if you live in an unsupportive invironment it is pretty important to protect your little from family members who don't understand and won't be kind. it is hard to feel two such different things at the same time but the more you can accept yourself as you are the less pressure you will feel inside. being dissociative saved you as a child and now as an adult you will eventually be able to process and heal from the past. it takes time and effort and i really think you will find a way to do that.

leslie and pixies

[Miracle1986]

Thank you all so much for all the heart-felt replies.
Wow!!! I feel so much less alone now!!!

I think my biggest fear is that one day, for what ever reason,
I will lose my co-consciousness or she will want to come through so
bad that I won't be able to control her and "maintain a front" around
the right people (namely family) and just the thought of that *gulp*
scares the bejezus out of because there is no telling what would be said if that happened.

I with I was more separated...I guess you guys must think I'm crazy for that... but it's true. As of right now I'm stuck in a gray area. I don't like being in a gray area...nothing seems right, but nothing seems wrong either. It makes it a lot harder to deal with.

[Anirtak]

Originally Posted by Manda86

Why am I so co-conscious with Little Manda? Is it a good thing or a bad thing that I can be "big Manda" on the outside and "little Manda" on the inside? It might be because I live with my husband's family, but I am very good at keeping little Manda hidden. I can act all "big" on the outside and no one has any idea that little Manda is out on the inside. Does that make sense? We feel like we are constantly hiding, but I am not sure if I am hiding or she hiding. Why is this so hard? We don't like it!!! I wish I could either be big Manda or Little Manda... not both at the same time.

I too can be little on the inside while maintaining an adult front on the outside. It can be really frustrating sometimes. I do think that it's a good thing to be able to be so co-conscious. In my case, most of the time, I have fun being little in my head while being big on the outside. I think it's safer this way (so people won't think I'm different).

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( manda )))))))))))))))))))