war zone

need to write or i will make a bad choice. spouse came home with bad news last night about his job. possible lay-off or 20% paycut. i tried to listen and be supportive.

he started same conversation today with comment "i'm a dinosaur". i tried to be a listener and assure him that i have confidence in him and believe he can find a way through this. and then he said.....

YOU SURE HAVE A LOT OF ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHO IS NOT DOING ANYTHING MUCH AT ALL.

i told him i was trying to be supportive if he wanted to talk and he said STOP TRYING TO BE A FIXER.

i am distressed because i have been walking eggshells since last night, trying to support but not knowing what he really wanted from me. i feel like he took a verbal punch at me. if i confront his rudeness this could escalate into something ugly. if i don't confront his ugliness i am letting him get away with disrespect.

my littles inside are upset and on the edge of tears that i can't cry because i am afraid. right now i hate this person i married. he is a self-righteous ratfink with delusions of being such a great guy (to everyone who isn't me) i am so glad he's going to be out of town this week, i will be happy to see him gone. i wanted to support him and be there for him and he wants nothing i CAN give and wants everything i DON'T have.

i would welcome input on this situation and support until he leaves tomorrow.

feeling squashed,

leslie and pixies in hiding

(((((((Leslie and Pixies))))))))

Breathe---
I understand where you are at right now. It is really hard when H is in this spot and you are trying your best to be supportive and he sees it as "fixing".

Walking on eggshells is hurting you and your little pixies. Try and let the subject drop and continue to be who you are. If he is verbally attacking, you may have to assure him you are available if he would like to talk to you but not at you. Walk away from the situation and let him blow off steam in another room.

He is most likelly feeling that his ego has been damaged. Men are mostly tied to their job as thier sense of self worth. Saying some thing like, I sense you are feeling like you are not appreciated in your job..." may open up some communication.

Men are difficult--and they say we are LOL

Just some thoughts from the constellation for what they are worth.

Mulitpixie

We know your sanctuary is still avialbalbe

Safety, caring, comfort, love, tenderness and maybe a treat for all the Pixies, just for today. Tomorrow is another day.

We know this economic battlefield is pretty widespread. Sometimes we find comfort in the flowers of the field, how well clothed they are

Hunny
TheHive

white_iris, you are right about how they get their sense of worth and identity from their jobs. I did choose to take a nap since i could not sleep last night and he was polite after my nap. I have done my best for him for 29 years - which is not to say i feel i've been a great wife. I've stayed in therapy for over 14 years trying to get well. All he ever said was "when you get ok, everything will be ok". I used to actually believe that....good grief. He is completely clueless about anything emotional and deeper than performing like the energizer bunny!!!

i am scared because i have lost all emotional love for him. I don't "get" love, i get pain, grief, anger, misery but love...totally mysterious like calculus. I don't even know what calculus is or does...argh. Trigonometry..what is that?????? It's so scary to lose hope in my marriage. I have always said "divorce is not an option". I never thought he would be cold and indifferent and undercutting me. I feel trapped in here and like i failed at the one most important relationship besides the one with my God and also my love for my children. So scared.

thanks for your kindness white_iris!!!!!!

leslie, bereft and alone

dear hunny and hive,

we do know who the real sanctuary is. We keep stumbling over the desire to be able to see, touch/feel our source of love and security. We know that god has never, ever let us down. But there is something we must learn and i can't put that in words. It is something about letting the human sources of love and provision go and not looking to a person to "complete" us or fulfill us. So many of our pixies were raised in ritual abuse and they struggle to accept god as he really is, not as the ones who abused us misrepresented god to be.

thank you for the reminder. He who called us is faithful. He will never abandon or forsake us. If god even notices when a tiny sparrow falls then he knows what we are going through and he will not let us down the way people do. My husband and i share the same basic form of faith and i used to simplistically believe that meant we would always have a metting ground in our faith. My spouse believes god is all about the actions, the works that one does. I believe it is all a gift from god and any good i do comes as the overflow of his presence in my life. I do good because god loves me, not to get god to love me!!!!

i appreciate your kindness and you all who let me ramble so i can hear myself think. Sometimes i can't journal but i can write online here.

big hugs and appreciation,

leslie and her pixies

Leslie & Pixies,

The tug-of-war continues.

We care very much and don't mind listening at all. We are just so relieved to find people with similar thoughts and struggle the same as we do.

But, just for today, we hope you will be good to yourself/ves and let others wash your feet, just for today.

We sometimes find the organized religions controlling and ritualistic, sorry to say. We are very cautious and selective about how we participate.

Hunny
TheHive

dear hunny, thanks for the kind words, my love affair with God is all that has kept me alive since i was 18. sadly i know what you mean about some religous groups who seem to forget the reality of the love relationship we have with God. right now i am taking a leave of absence from the place i used to go with my spouse. it got legalistic and sterile. he is not happy with my choice. i am not happy with legalism. sigh. but i do know that God knows even if i am really confused. see you soon,

leslie and pixies

Not in the best space atm but will do my best cuz i care about you, my friend.

Yes, it was a verbal shot though that doesn't necessarily make him the bad guy. Guys are weird. They have huge egos that are easily bruised. So sorry guys here, but that has been my honest experience.

i would be very tempted to examine my actual contributions. You are doing your best even if you don't do a darned thing task wise...what you are attempting--to become healthy--is an ENORMOUS task that anyone with a brain should realize is, in fact, enormous.

For me, i used to be employed full time but have been on SSD (social security disability) for the past (ugh time...um...mother died in 2003...2004...2006?) crap i dunno anymore...i used to be highly employable.

But at home i need to occasionally evaluate what i actually do. I get my daughter's clothes ready for school every weekday. i dry her hair at night. She has autism and i care for her every day when she gets home from her transition program. i do the bills. i do a load of dishes and laundry almost every day. i'm the one that cleans the main bathroom (even though i was made to clean the bathroom every fricken day growing up and i mean clean the sink, toilet, and bathtub with comet..change the towels, and take out the garbage and if i got it wrong it was the perfect excuse)...and i shop 40% of the time and cook. So...maybe i don't also work a 9-5. Tough chit.

Don't let anyone belittle you. Pardon me if i'm being reactive...i'm truly sorry if so (not in the best place but moved to respond). Some people need humoring...but don't underestimate what you do even if there isn't a single chore involved. Did he have to survive it?

It's really difficult when one is not on the same page as their spouse. Went thru that in early marriage years. Much damage was done to several of us then.

Prayer and some good friends changed the situation---one's leaving did also. then H realized at some point it had been all about him and slowly began to turn around. not perfect, but no human is....

It also took work on our part to continue therapy and to learn that our self worth didn't revolve around what he said or did. we still have one who is struggling very very much with the co-dependancy and her value and worth.
she truly believes she is worthless and a slave to him and nothing more than part of his shadow.

Hold onto what you believe. Hold onto what you are discovering about your worth and value as a person, as a system and as "his" child and as a very special gift. You can't change who H is, but you can continue to work on yous. You are valuable, worthy and precious.

(((( Leslie and Pixies ))))

Multipixie9

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{to all the pixies}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

dear friends thanks again for your timely words of encouragement and hope. boy it helps to read other people's thoughts and experiences. i regularly forget things i used to know and so hearing it from you reminds me and pulls me back on track.

the truth is that we need to stop letting him "own" our self-worth. we have value and meaning and love from God and from people who love us and from fellow survivors like you all.

WE DO APPRECIATE YOU VERY, VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leslie and Pixies

Hi Leslie and Pixies, I haven't been on this forum for a while and I just read all of your recent posts. I am sorry that you have all of this going on ................

(((Leslie and Pixies)))

((((((((((((((((((((((Leslie and the Pixies)))))))))))))))))))))))))) I hope you can keep in mind what a wonderful, caring person you are. I know how hard that can be sometimes but know you are cared for very much here.

BB

((((((((((((((((((((((((Leslie and pixies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

hangin out with u here...knowin how special u r an what u mean ta us its good ta hang out with u...

abbi/crys

(((((((((((((((((((leslie and the pixies))))))))))))

l wish had all the right words to say to you all, l know how sad and bad words can cut us down real hard and sumtimes no matter what we try do it never is enuff.
you say may not always hav been best wife, but you are workin so hard on get well and that takes so much out of us and they just dont understand.
glad that you have your relationship withthe almighty and hope that that will help you through these hard days. be gud to you and let him know you wil listen if and wen he wants to talk to you proper.
extra hugs for you all its so hard to be walk on egg sheels all time waiting for wrong words and explosions
we send all you extra special gentle hugs if that is ok.....only cus we know we lik hugs but if you no like we is soryr

take care you all

mandy and silentones

((((((((((((((((((((leslie and all the pixies)))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((( leslie and pixies ))))))))))))

THANKS FOR ALL THE LOVELY HUGS AND KIND, ENCOURAGING WORDS!!!

the spouse came home from his trip and he was nice. go figure... i don't know if i will ever really know him because of our basic differences, but life does go on.

my daughter has a friend who had to leave her husband tonight because he was in a drunken rage. she is 20 years old and expecting a baby. sigh. it makes me feel so sad for her. i just now realized what i do have. my spouse may be grumpy and have some real character flaws, but he doesn't drink and i live with him in physical safety. it doesn't eliminate the truth that he is sometimes bad to me, but it does remind me to see what good i DO have in my home. (for any who might feel like praying, the little momma to be is named Celeste and she needs some prayer for a place of safety and a way to earn her living. THANKS!)

i do appreciate all the kind words i've been given here over the last 11 months. my interactions have given me a place to vent and friends to enjoy and support. it is the first time i've had a place i could freely express some of my others inside. you all matter so much and you all give in unique ways. i am thankful for you all!!!!!

leslie and her pixie peeps