T comes back tomorrow

So we have an appointment with him & the med nurse. We only want to go to get the prescriptions. Don't want to talk about anything .
While he was away, none of us called im or emailed, and he didn't either. Usually he checks in...not this time. Don't want to bring this up with him as it WAS his vacation and all, but we feel forgotten. Maybe it's for the best....we fear being forgotten & being invisable and now it's happened. Now we don't have to fear that.

((((((((((( Calista+12 ))))))))))))

know how you feel

(Calista+12)
I'm sorry that you feel forgotten
Maybe he was just really busy
I hope everything goes well tomorrow
Hugs if okay

Calista
WE haven't forgotten you!!
(Dance)Erik

Calista+12 you Made IT!!!!!

I know how it feels when T's go on vacation but just an idea to think of how rest and relaxed he will be... I know it took along time to convince myself that my T cared and I had to admit that I had abandonment issues.
Thinking about cha...ThaCrew

thats great!

Calista,

I'm guessing he thought you "must be ok" because you did not contact him. Mostly we have to reach out for help from T. T has too many people to work with to send individual emails unles someone needs her help

I'd urge you to not put the worst possible spin on it. I believe your T still cares for you. Wait and see. Here's me hoping for the best for you

We saw both T's today an made it known that since we have so firmly stuffed everything inside, we wouldn't be bringing any of it up. T says we'll pay a price for stuffing. That's fine.
It's a very strange feeling in our head now. We feel nothing at all and feel that whatever happens is ok. We don't feel calm yet not afraid either. It just IS. Kind of a robotic feeling of not caring.
We know T cares and has lots of concern for us, but it doesn't mean anything to any of us. Just one foot in front of the other till we can't do that anymore.

It is kind of n empowering feeling not to care. There is no fear or dread attached to it. The month hat T has been gone I succeeded in stuffung everthing to the point I question my dx of DID. I know the depression is here with a vengence but that's ok too. I'll just exist till I can't

I can so relate to this (((((((((((((((Calista)))))))))))))))))). Sometimes my depression and fear of rejection or fear of punishment is so great that I feel completely numb. I think it's because if I were to allow myself to feel the emotions that I might have with a situation, even if I don't know what the emotion is, it would be too overwhelming to me. I think the numbness is a defense mechanism to be able to get through the situation at hand.

I have found when I allow myself to be numb and to seemingly not care, that I slowly am able to deal with things bit by bit. I think, oftentimes due to our pasts, we don't always know any other way to react and still stay safe.

I had to learn to give my T the benefit of the doubt that what was going on did not mean she didn't care or even that it was because of me. In my past, people didn't care and set to making me "pay" for things when I didn't even know what I was paying for. Because of this and other things, whenever T did anything that felt unsafe or made me feel like I did as a child, I reacted by rejecting her first because it hurt less at the time.

Learning that people can actually care is hard when one's past doesn't reflect that. I'm glad you have T and that you can work through this. Maybe you can step to the outside of the situation and look in. Sometimes that helps me to see from a different perspective and sometimes it helps.

Take gentle care calista. Let yourself just relax in the numbness for now, if you can. T cares for you and hopefully in time and with consistency, you will be able to hold onto that.

Calista,

So sorry for not being able to support here. Wedding was good but riding with my fatigued, brain injured H was less than pleasant. ...just recovering now. But that is for another post...or not.

Thanks for being so open about your outcome. I totally can relate to these non-feelings, going back.

Thanks also for your reply Wantto


It so fits...thanks for explaining it so well, Wantto.

Calista, I am still two weeks and counting away from going back but I did have to call T before the drive to wedding and take a favoured stuffy for the drive. T was not there but emailed when back. It helped. Ah, didn't quite make it the whole time. Guess there is no shame in that.

Hunny

Well, between T being gone, my numbness, and the whole house being in shambles (renovation) any feeling of safety I had is gone. Before I left for my t appointment, I was in the shower and realized no one was home with me except the workmen who have the run of the house. Then I heard them start cursing and the water shut off. They broke through a water pipe and had to shut it off to the entire house. I listen, day after day, to power tools, cursing, yelling, loud banging that shakes the house., a husband who at best is absent, and a daughter who is disgusted with me...today it broke me. I packed a bag to bring to T with me. I do not know what I was expecting to do. I am seeing this house renovation as a metaphor for my life...broken, in total disrepare, and unsalvagable. I told the workmen, on my way out, to make sure to get my animals to safety if they decide to blow anything up, and then I left not expecting to return. Being the looser I am, I did eventually go back to the house after trying to find a place...hotel...motel...cave or forest where I could hide.
Nothing will ever be the same. It is all ruined and destroyed. There will never be any safety for me.
My bag is still in the car.

My T, being the wonderful, kind man he is, told me my plan of escape would be considered a medical emergency and he would get me help if I went through with it. I can't blame him;it's his job. But now, I can't tell him my real feelings for fear of being put in a hospital. No hospital can fix what's wrong with me or my life. I guess I am the only one who can fix it and I don't know if I want to or if I can. It is shattered.
When he asked if he should call the hospital, I told him ONLY if it is a long term state hospital so I will never see the outside again. I have a husband who may or may not give a damn, depending on the situation, and two grown daughters. What kind of monster does this make me?...wanting to disappear from them?

Calista,

Just want to say that if you were close by you could stay here.

Finding a place in your community sounds like a good idea even if it may only be for a few days at a time. A little bed and breakfast. When I had visitors come one time I could not put them up for some reason but I led them to a little local B&B. it was lovely! Yes, you might need the hospital but what about calling around to see if you can find one.

All that hammering and stuff going on would get to anyone.

Hope we can talk yet.

Hunny

((((((((((((( Calista+12 )))))))))))))))