The PERFECT DID T....

I had my appointment today with the t I have been SO excited to see. She specializes in DID patients so I was really looking forward to seeing her, especially when she said she didn't want to get rid of my "alters". So anyways back on topic... My appointment was today at 2.

The office was BEAUTIFUL. A 3 story yellow colonial "mansion" on the corner of 2 roads. One of the roads is Weber rd... Kinda funny since one of my close friends is a Webber

Anyways, so I go in there with Alyssa and the t and I start talking. She starts by asking me all of the things that I was diagnosed with. I told her bipolar 1, schizophrenia and DID. I don't think I have the others any more so why mention it?

She told me that people with bipolar do NOT have schizophrenia and the same way around. At least no one she has ever met in her 25 years of practice. She said she would look more into it to see if I did have both or if I only had one of the two and which one if only one...

She than went on to "orientation" telling me her rules. She said she will never lie to me, never critisize me and never talk down to me. I have a set time and day to see her. Every Monday from now on at 1. She also said she hardly ever takes vacation and also hardly ever gets sick. But if it's snowing horrible she will have to call all of her patients that day and tell them she wont go in. But if we feel we still need to talk to her she will have phone sessions with us on the "snow days".

After orientation she started asking me about my previous experience with t's and about my experience with DID. She asked me what I thought DID was, what it meant to me and I told her, honestly. Than she told me that ALL she ever saw were patients with DID, schizophrenia, bipolar and severe depression because they are the ones she finds interesting, everyone else is dull basically . She asked about the doctors who wanted to get rid of my "alters" and I explained it to her more.

She asked if I knew what integration was and I told her yes and she said that she didn't believe it was the best form of therapy for everyone! She said that if I never wanted to integrate she would never try to convince me to. That it's ok and perfectly fine to keep the alters for your entire life!!!

She than said how sometimes when she's in pain she wishes she had DID so that she can escape the pain . She told me as well that she doesn't think that ANY alters are bad. She would never try to get ANY of the alters to leave, she would just try to work with them to make them happy!!! She was talking to my alters saying that she knew they were probably listening and there with me but not out. She was saying how she would never do anything to betray their trust and would like to meet them one day!!! She also kept asking to make sure that I was myself and asked what I would like to be called . After I explained what I wanted from her and where I was with the DID she told me her plans.

She said basically right now when they come out I am locked in a room, no windows, no doors, no light. Just me in complete darkness. What she wants to do is build doors and windows. She wants us to be able to co exist and work as a team! She wants us all to be team players and work together to take care of the body and make eachother happy!

So... Not only does this t not want me to get rid of the alts, she also wants me to be able to co exist (which she thinks we will be able to have perfected within 4 months) she wants to help me AND my alts, wants to help us work together as a team and is just everything I wanted in a t. Everything I was searching for!!! Wonderful right???

Wrong. I've never had anything this perfect before. Never once had anything go the exact way I wanted it to or even close. She is too perfect to be real. She has to be lieing through her teeth right now! I don't know why I can't accept the fact that she is exactly what I was looking for. I don't know why I can't trust her and why I am so nervous to go back to her. I cried on the way home because I was SO happy that I found the t I was looking for. Than I realized there has to be a catch and started crying even harder!

Why can't I just be happy? I'm SO lucky to have found a t who is SO understanding and who is willing to help me get EXACTLY what I want so why can't I accept it and be happy?!?!

Grr my trust issues!!!

In time you'll learn that not everyone has an alternative motive behind the words they say. You've been hurt a lot. She'll help you heal if you stick with it and help her help you. I'm so glad you found someone who understands you. I hope to someday find that but for now I'm trying to get my T to understand me so she can help me understand me which is my own desire. To be understood by me. I'm just so happy for you ^__^

I'm glad it went well, my dear!
(Kay)Erik

(Kris)

She sounds wonderful. In time the trust will come. But for now, you can feel cared for! That is awesome.

the "catch" is, you are in for a butt load of work
other than that, i'm glad you found someone who can work with you
and vice-versa.

Kris:

I am so happy to read that someone else felt the same way I did when I first met my Ts several months ago. I, too, had the feeling that this is too good to be true. I have come to learn to trust them and I am working well with them. I still find myself questioning "what is the catch?" but I am learning that they are not judgemental and they really do care about me and my parts. Just take a deep breath and try to let this wonderful experience sink in. You deserve to be cared about and cared for. You deserve this T.

I totally understand the way you are feeling.

POOH

Thank you for all of your kind and supportive comments! I'm stuck in a situation right now where I just don't know what to do. About the T and about some friends. I have always put up walls and tried to protect myself from pain. I have gone through SO much in my life and people think I am strong because of it but that is not the case. I have pushed away every ounce of pain I have ever endured. I hide from my pain or ignore my problems. I don't trust people easily which is another way I am hiding from the pain that I know they will eventually inflict.

I'm not sure what to do about this yet. I can try and break down some walls and let them in, I can try and trust the t that she is not out to get me and the same for my friends but I don't know if I can actually do it. I don't know how to tear down these walls I have built so many years ago and I don't know if I should. I can continue to block out the pain and continue moving through life all of the time afraid but without severe pain, or I can risk the pain and feel the pain to let others in. I'm not sure which to choose right now..

I guess the t and my friends have given me a lot to consider tonight. If I do chose to trust the t, and my friends even, how do I stop the worries and how do I tear down the walls that are built so strong? I just don't know what to do and am very afraid at the moment, no matter which I chose I will be hurt... But which will cause the less amount of pain?!!!!!!

AGH!!!!

I forgot to mention one other thing the T said... She said that people with DID have "ramarkably intelligent minds" and they are all so open and in touch with their own mind that they can allow this "blessing" (I too feel this way about my DID) to come into our lives! Such a supportive woman which also makes me wonder....

(((((((((((((kris))))))))))))))

Can you just let yourself show up at therapy and see what happens?? There's no need to force yourself to tear down any walls before you're ready.

I had a BIG thick wall up between me and T for a long, long time...I could even SEE it there. He knew about it, and sometimes he would ask me how high it was on that day, if I could see him over it. Eventually, I came to a point where I wanted it to be gone, but I didn't know how...and he asked what it would feel like to take one brick out, so I did. And it was okay. Slowly, over lots of time, we took out more bricks, and the wall got shorter and shorter with lots of gaps that I could see through.

Now, 22 months into therapy, there is no wall...but it was a long, careful, gentle process to get here.

Let yourself go as slowly as you need to.

Treehouse, thank you for your comment. I'm having a hard time letting down my walls at the moment, but in time I hope I will be able to.

It is great to hear about your new t. She sounds very good. I love the part about having a certain time that is you alls and that she will honor it.

I am so glad that you seem to have found someone who is so attuned to your needs. I know sometimes it is hard to believe that there isn't a catch or the other shoe isn't going to drop but hopefully you have now found the support that is good for you. i am so glad that you found her.

BB

We really agree with Bipolar Bear. Do take care Kris, be ever-so-gentle with yourself, if you can.


Hunny

happy for you too

it's unfortunate that there isn't a way to immediately know whether a person is lying or not, it's just a case of "wait and see".

yeah, working with DID means a lot of work but i hope that with a therapist like that, you're going to have motivation. you already sound like you do, despite of your doubts.


twilight

a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step................all in good time kris................

Dear Kris

I have been with my T for approx 4 years. At the start he said he would never intentionally hurt me. And I can say that he never has.

The times when I have been hurt have been a result from my not understanding what he was really saying. So I now stop him as soon as I can and ask him what he meant. Then things get cleared up.

A good T is hard to find. Best wishes.

Thank you for all of your comments. I see the t today and I'm rather nervous! There are so many things I SHOULD tell her but I don't feel comfortable opening up to her yet. Hopefully today I will be able to trust her just a little bit more and hopefully the trust will start to grow!