Hello. I'm sorry I have been so quiet. I am a little afraid of coming here. I know that sounds funny. Odd. But I guess it is because there are people here with DID and I don't know... It frightens me. I don't want to have that. I sort of don't believe it is true, but I also know it must be. I guess I am just going round and round quite a bit. And it is really hard that I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about it. My p-doc terminated me and we are still waiting to see whether the funding is going to be approved for me to see a t. Maybe I have gone into denial a little bit because I am finding it hard to cope.

Has anyone missed quite a bit of time
A few days
Then 'woken up'
Kind of kind of
Having forgotten who one is
Ones name
Where one lives
'What one is supposed to be doing
What one is supposed to be up to?
Thats what happened to me.
Came around in hospital with no idea how I got in
And security asking me who I was and how I got in there
And me asking for my p-doc
(who terminated me a little while before)
Only being able to remember his name.
It was frightening
Confusing
But strangely comforting too.
It came back to me over the week.
We did a lot of swinging
And walking around the lake
There is a little one
(who I am very afraid of)
Who likes that very much indeed.

I do hope the funding comes through.
Sorry for having been so quiet.
I will get there.
Thanks everyone for welcoming me
And answering my question about little ones.

[nothemama8]

Ohhhhhhh AlexandraK, you have been missed sooooo much, glad your back
It is a scary dx at first but, with therapy and the right T it gets easier to live with the support from here will also make it easier
Angie

Alex, i'm so glad to see you back here. i've been so worried. please just talk to us and you'll find your comfort level here. i promise you that........we'll support you and send powerful vibes to your spirit.......PM me if you need to...love, pat

[Mahali]

Hi Alex,

Welcome back. Come and be here at your own pace. It's ok and yes it does get easier. It used to scare me really bad when I lost time but now that we communicate and I know what goes on mostly ....it's much easier.

Time is very strange thing when you are DID. I find myself still checking it very often.

Do the others journal? If you can get some communication going things get so much easier.

You said the memories came back...did the little one share these or do you think you were co-conscious with her/him?

Yes you will get there.

Take care.

place

[RhysMadison]

It doesn't sound odd at all. A lot of us have a fear of this disorder. Coming to a support forum like this is wonderful yet also can stir up unwanted emotions deep within. Just post when you can. Nobody will push you. You have options to PM me or others as well if that will be easier for now.
Take care.
Love,
RhysMadison

Thanks everyone.
I know it will get easier.
It just has to.
It is just hard waiting on the funding decision to see whether I am going to get a t or not.
Waiting... Waiting...
I'm not sure who I was when I found myself in hospital.
Just me without a load of memories, I think.
But then I felt pretty small too.
Maybe I got stuck between me and a little one
I don't know.
Katie loves to swing.
I can be co-conscious with her
She likes to swing and ride the bus
But she chatters
And I'm not much good with kids
And I'm afraid something is going to happen to hurt her real bad.
I used to be mean to her
Ignore her
To try and make her go away
(You are supposed to ignore psychotic voices)
But a couple years ago I was told I had to be kind to them.
So I try.
Nobody journals - though I have found stuff written to me before.
Mostly it is just voices in my head.

Alexandra,

It sure can be scary to start talking about DID in realistic terms as they apply to YOU. Other places and people discuss things in broader terms. There are folks here who have dissociative disorders that are NOT DID as well. One difference I've found is that ppl here tend to be more open about their reality of DID instead of trying to couch it in terms of ego states and such. Most folks here have more severe symptoms than those of ppl who talk of inner children as a vague psych. term.

So yeah I can fully understand how difficult it is to admit this is real, this is happening and this must be faced. No one wants to end up in hospital lost and w/o memory of how one got there.

I'm glad to see that some of yours have been attempting to contact you through journaling. There are many methods to help communication between the parts/alters/circles/levels. Consistant support from trained professional in addition to other support from trusted sources are your best bet to counter the silent ways of surviving all these years.

DID usually thrives on silence for survival. Once that silence is broken often all hell can break loose. Sometimes it is a few days to a few weeks of chaos. Others take longer.

The denial comes in waves. Just ride it out and remember that this dx finally makes some sense of what has been so frustratingly confusing for so many years.

Take care and no worries on how often you post. Taking care of all of you first is priority. See you next time you're around.

[Mahali]

Alex,

If you can try and write to the others. Try and open a line of communication so that you can function better in life with less stress and "lost time".

It will take time no doubt and practice.

Stay safe.

place

Alex, i hope i didn't sound like you should rush right back in...take your time...i'm sorry, if i sounded pushy.....pat

Yeah, it is scary. I spent a couple of years studying the disorder. Trying to make sense of it philosophically. That was okay. Objective. Didn't apply to me. I really didn't think it did apply to me to start with - but then over time I started to see that it did. And that it made more sense of my symptoms than any other explanation that had been offered thus far. But even that is rational. That is something that I was fine with. But ME. How it affects ME. What it is like to be ME. To live with this, to live with them. That is different. Thats scarey. I retreat too easily to the rational sphere and leave me out of it altogether. That is much easier for me to cope with. Abstract is easy for me. I guess maybe it is part of my ability to dissociate - to just leave me out of the picture fairly much. But yeah, the personal aspect is hard. You are right on there.

I was thinking that what I went through was a mild form of a fuge state. I didn't travel far away and it didn't take all that long to come back. I guess I just wondered whether othere peoples with DID got those sometimes. Where they sort of switch and don't come back properly. Whether this is something that may get worse for me before it gets better. Or if it is an unusual thing that probably won't happen to me again. I guess it happened because my p-doc terminated me and I was having a really hard time accepting that. I guess it was a way to see him again. How embarrasing. How embarrasing my psyche is... How transparant even to me. Once I remembered that, once I remembered the termination the reasons for what happened to me became clear. I was so very embarrased. Horrible.

Yeah. I get what you mean about the difference between 'child ego states' and that. Thats probably why I find it harder to come here and read here and post here. Because it is realer to me here. It is closer to my experience over here. And because I am new to all this. And I am scaired. Especially when I think of the long way ahead of me and I haven't even started on that path yet. I JUST WANT A THERAPIST.

Thanks Zen.

You didn't sound pushy.
Not at all.
You sounded very welcoming.
Thanks.
I will hang around.
I really really really hope that I get to work with a t.
I'm sure this place will be so very helpful to me
And over time I may be helpful to others
As the journey really begins.
Just now I feel like I am stuck in time
Waiting
To see what will happen
Will I
Won't I
Get treatment.
And until then I try to keep the can of worms under control
Just as best I can
And sometimes that involves ignoring it for a while
And sometimes that involves talking about it for a bit
But I really hope I get to deal with this properly.

I have heard a bit about journalling.
I don't know.
I get them as voices.
They talk to me
(Sometimes)
They will tell me what they want
What they want to do
What they have done.
What sorts of things do you journal?
I find it hard even to listen to them sometimes
I don't know what to do with it.
Especially when I don't like what they say
And I don't want them to do that
And I just wish they would ***** off and leave me alone.

[Mahali]

Alex,

I can understand the feelings you are having. There are times when I resent everything and everybody.

I don't know how other people do it but I try very hard to remember why they are here. They came to protect me and even when sometimes it seems like they are doing a really bad job of it....I try and remember that they are doing what they feel is right for the whole. They do not know any better.

It has been a long time since I "started" journaling. I can't remember how we started. If I were going to start today I would ask questions that I wanted answered. Not maybe real in depth about lost memories or anything but general questions like names and such.

Try maybe to indentify the others. Just write anything. Start writing what you did for the day. Maybe when they are front they will respond in kind. There are no promises here but be patient and it will come.

That state you talked about does happen sometimes. I have felt caught between a "switch". I don't know if this is actually what happens but it does feel like that. It has never led me to the hospital but it is very hard to get through.

There is no reason for embarrassment. You responded to a stressful situation the best you could. In the hospital is better than it could have been. No matter the rational behind it.

I am hoping you the best. Sorry this got so long.

Take care.

place

Thanks Place.
I guess I feel like I don't know why they are there.
It will take a bit for me to get that.
I know some of them try to help.
But I don't know...
I'm sure it will get better.
Thanks.