[writingwithink]

For the few memories I have about my childhood, I possess no emotion. I've told my therapist several times that I feel like a monster inside because of this.

However, after recognizing the different parts inside of me, quick blips of scenes are popping into my mind almost daily (most pleasant, but a few not so pleasant) - all of them void of emotion (with the exception of two that have had accompanying "physical" feelings). There was one that was especially abrupt in content, but even more so in another way: it's the first time that within the scene, I was watching what was happening from the ceiling. Again, no emotion; however, it was accompanied by a "physical" feeling that started about two months ago and that just pops up out of the blue. I assume most people would consider this scene very disturbing. Anyway, I'm wondering if the way these "scenes" are just popping up all over the place is normal.

Also, my therapist has noted that things may become very painful, but I don't understand that because I've never had feelings with anything, not even the recent potentially "disturbing" scene. So how will it become "painful," and what should I expect? Do memories/scenes come from the parts and, if so, how does that normally happen? I just need to know what's going to happen; although, my therapist keeps reminding me that the process is unfolding even though we may not know how it will happen for me.

Finally, I've not told my therapist about this potentially disturbing "scene" because I don't believe it happened, and I'd never want to discuss something like that if it were not a factual memory. Never mind that it's unbelievably embarrassing.

[Hunny]

Originally Posted by writingwithink

For the few memories I have about my childhood, I possess no emotion. I've told my therapist several times that I feel like a monster inside because of this.

However, after recognizing the different parts inside of me, quick blips of scenes are popping into my mind almost daily (most pleasant, but a few not so pleasant) - all of them void of emotion (with the exception of two that have had accompanying "physical" feelings). There was one that was especially abrupt in content, but even more so in another way: it's the first time that within the scene, I was watching what was happening from the ceiling. Again, no emotion; however, it was accompanied by a "physical" feeling that started about two months ago and that just pops up out of the blue. I assume most people would consider this scene very disturbing. Anyway, I'm wondering if the way these "scenes" are just popping up all over the place is normal.

Also, my therapist has noted that things may become very painful, but I don't understand that because I've never had feelings with anything, not even the recent potentially "disturbing" scene. So how will it become "painful," and what should I expect? Do memories/scenes come from the parts and, if so, how does that normally happen? I just need to know what's going to happen; although, my therapist keeps reminding me that the process is unfolding even though we may not know how it will happen for me.

Finally, I've not told my therapist about this potentially disturbing "scene" because I don't believe it happened, and I'd never want to discuss something like that if it were not a factual memory. Never mind that it's unbelievably embarrassing.

Writingwithink:

Upon reading your title there was, for a moment, a thought that you might want the process of memory laid out for you. It seems that is not the case, otherwise you could have looked online for that.

Your therapist has told you about 'the unfolding'. It seems that in our experience, process is very important. Perhaps the preparation is more about feeling cared for, comforted, feeling content, respected and loved. Who would want to address the ceiling scene if these structures of safety were not in place first.

Joining the feeling to the memory may in fact be the goal but how will your T help you do this if you don't say what the memory is? The impact of the truth of connecting the two may be incomprehenible or even silly but bad things have happened to people.

More importantly though, just establish safety, you deserve to be safe.

Take care,
Hunny











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[writingwithink]

Originally Posted by Hunny

Your therapist has told you about 'the unfolding'. It seems that in our experience, process is very important. Perhaps the preparation is more about feeling cared for, comforted, feeling content, respected and loved. Who would want to address the ceiling scene if these structures of safety were not in place first. .

Let me just clarify the items in red above: I DO NOT NEED these things. All I want and need is to know what to expect and how it might happen. That is the only preparation I need.

Originally Posted by writingwithink

Let me just clarify the items in red above: I DO NOT NEED these things. All I want and need is to know what to expect and how it might happen. That is the only preparation I need.

In that case, question the T as to what you should expect.
Obviously ,warmth is out of the question.
How is it that no emotion is felt, but embarrassment needs to be avoided?

[Hunny]

It would seem to me that according to your original post, Writingmithinks: "I've never had feelings with anything" that you would respond with not wanting the feelings of: caring, concern, safety and security but the T did say it could get painful. These more gentle feelings will help to buffer the pain when you do feel it. It is impossible for us, here on PC, to predict what is in store for you. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Has your t mentioned what type of therapy she/he is using?

Your observation, Calista, appears right-on. It fits with Writingmithinks self-knowledge.

We hope the best for you, Writing. Let us know how you are doing, if you can.

Hunny







.



.

[DLHsSystm]

I agree with Calista and Hunny and I would like to add... Slower is faster. For me anyway. I seem to need a long time to "absorb" my feelings. Feelings that I didn't really think I had in the first place but that were there all along. When I first started talking about memories they came flooding out and all parts of me felt out of control. Some not believing, some feeling pain, some "acting out" of control. I have since learned during my years healing that things do unfold and the therapist I have now understands how fragile I am. I am like a piece of very old beautiful silk cloth that needs to be unfolded with gentleness and great care. I have to remind myself to treat my parts this way. Often I am so anxious to "find out" and "fix" things that I forget healing is a wonderful journey and the miracles happen on the journey not at the end.

[Hunny]

Writingmithinks,

This part that is typing the words on the page is very likely not the part that carries the feelings but it is the part that likes to know stuff ahead of time to kind of prepare...imo. It will be okay...gentle hugs to you.

DHL, you are a antique silk cloth! How beautiful!

Hunny

[writingwithink]

I had an argument inside my head last night about, as you say, "feeling cared for, comforted..." It was intense. My head ached and no one won. It was such a mental struggle, and then, suddenly, we both faded to the back and a kid was sitting in the livingroom of my childhood home [no one could break through the moment, including me], looking out across the hardwood floors up at her father [our father] and realizing how big he was and feeling afraid to go any farther. My f**kng head won't stop hurting and I haven't slept more than three hours in over four weeks.

Originally Posted by writingwithink

I had an argument inside my head last night about, as you say, "feeling cared for, comforted..." It was intense. My head ached and no one won. It was such a mental struggle, and then, suddenly, we both faded to the back and a kid was sitting in the livingroom of my childhood home [no one could break through the moment, including me], looking out across the hardwood floors up at her father [our father] and realizing how big he was and feeling afraid to go any farther. My f**kng head won't stop hurting and I haven't slept more than three hours in over four weeks.

We know Calista's remark was cold. It came out as a protective thing because it felt necessary. Try to accept the support you're being offered here, no strings attached.
We understand the need to shut everything off, we understand the fear...
many are reaching out to you.

[Hunny]

Originally Posted by writingwithink

I had an argument inside my head last night about, as you say, "feeling cared for, comforted..." It was intense. My head ached and no one won. It was such a mental struggle, and then, suddenly, we both faded to the back and a kid was sitting in the livingroom of my childhood home [no one could break through the moment, including me], looking out across the hardwood floors up at her father [our father] and realizing how big he was and feeling afraid to go any farther. My f**kng head won't stop hurting and I haven't slept more than three hours in over four weeks.

Writingmithinks:

We are very sorry you had a fight in your head last night. You are so knowledgable about yourself already. You must be doing some pretty good work.

We wish for that 'kid on the hardwood floor' to be safe, protected and secure till you can go to your t. Maybe just let T take you the rest of the way...no rush on that. In the meantime be gentle with yourself. Maybe you can do something nice for yourself? Something safe and that makes you feel safe.

We remember building walls of protection out of the pillows in our t's office but since you're not there yet, maybe you can wrap yourself in a soft blanket and have a cozy pillow handy. We even, eventually got ourselves some stuffies. There are parts who never thought we would ever have a stuffie . We own several now . They are quite comforting.

The pressure in our head was huge and not being able to sleep was a problem too. It is more relieved now by our therapy and we don't have to take meds anymore. They didn't help much anyway except make us sleepy but they may help you to sleep. The therapy took away the pressure every t session. Now we have less built-up each time we go.

What have you done for your head and lack of sleep, only if you want to say?

Our heart if filled with compassion for you Writingmithinks. Do take care.



Hunny

Callista, you are so real...we can't imagine it was your intention to harm anyone. You are such a caring person. But we know you have been struggling with much, lately too so not to discount where you are at either.

Thank you for real.

.

[possum220]

Hiya

Just want to say that for some people headaches are side effects of DID.

No-one can tell you how your memories will unfold. No-one can say how this may affect you as all our journeys are different.

Let your T know whats happening for you.

Take care and keep posting.

[writingwithink]

Thank, everyone, for responding to my thread.

Calista, no worries. Did not feel your words were "cold."

[multipixie9]

Writer, we strongly agree with the suggestions of going slow and being gentle with yourself. I tried to push myself to hurry and get it over, plus I was never treated gently so I did not know to do that for myself. It has taken time for me to learn that skill. I treated everyone around me better than I treated myself because I absorbed the abusers' attitudes and behavior.

Also, we have never seen or heard anyone who "dissociated" exactly the same. There is no blueprint or "Dissociation for Dummys" book. Each of us has to go on a healing journey that takes as long as it takes and is as simple or complex as it is.

The amount of healing (in my life) seemed to improve as I worked hard to overcome my denial (and I had a truckload of denial). I had to learn to express affection, gentleness, kindness, belief in my own literal true story. All of this came with effort and over time. I had been trained by those who abused me to do the opposite of all I just wrote.

Healing takes longer than anyone wants or thinks it will take - but fighting the process definitely slowed me down and caused my family and me to suffer more than necessary. I can't promise that "knowing any of this" will do any good for you. However, every bit of information offers potential help for now or the future.

My relationship with God has been the single most powerful part of my healing process. I've grown to trust Him and that trust has a huge impact in my life. Abuse warps trust or detroys it completely, at least in my life it has. Over time my interactions with God healed damage and aided me in learning to trust again.

This is a good topic you've brought up and I hope you find some comfort in the answers you get.

[DLHsSystm]

Look on the left hand side. There is a list. On that list is Memory. Check it out.

http://gfrerichs.typepad.com/my_webl...-recovery.html

To moderators: is this allowed? Is this a hot link? Could someone pm me and let me know? Thank you in advance.