[jen29]

Hi everyone,

I am really confused and frusterated. Something has been happening inside of my head for about 3 weeks now. I don't even know if this is the place to post this.
I do have DID and am newly diagnosed with it. It is all very new to me, and things are all happening to to fast.
My thoughts are racing, and there is someone in my head telling me stuff. Usually it's me telling myself I am so stupid, dumb, ect. But now it's saying "Jenni is stupid, Jenni is dumb, Jenni is sick". What is going on? I don't know who that is, or maybe it's me?
i feel am going "Crazy"
I not know what to do anymore
sometimes my head speaks like a little girl...
anyways,
ty all for listening
Jen

[billieJ]

Sometimes the barrier between our inner and outer selves gets weak, and we hear our own debilitating thoughts as though they were someone else's. However, it is not possible for others to get inside our heads, although it certainly seems like it! You are not the only one with such thoughts. One thing to keep in mind. These negative thoughts reflect our worst fears and are NOT TRUE! They are lies. I don't know why we deceive ourselves so, but so many of us have these same fears and negative thoughts. Some people even hear them as though they were coming from something external, like the radio or even the thin air. You seem to have insight and to know that something is not normal. I imagine that your DID has something to do with the problem. That might explain the little girl's voice. Be sure and tell these things to your pdoc or T. billieJ

[billieJ]

You're very welcome, Jen. I would do anything to help you. I know how confusing this must be, and I am very familiar with negative thoughts about myself. In my case, though, I KNOW that are coming from me. They are coming from you, too. Let me know if there's anything I can do. billieJ

[jen29]

Thanks,
I am just at a loss as to what to do anymore. I want to just give up. Thank you for everything...hugs to you
Jen

[Elysium]

Hi Jen

I was diagnosed with DID back in February and it has been one long and strange ride since then.

You say you have been diagnosed with DID. I hope this means you have a therapist or practitioner who is trained in working with DID. If not, I suggest finding one as soon as possible to help you learn about it and manage your symptoms.

This voice that you speak of that says that you are dumb...and the way you say that your head talks like a little girl sometimes is quite normal for people who have DID. I know it is really scary...but once you begin to understand what is happening and why, you will begin to feel more calm about it.

It sounds like these voices that you are describing could be voices of your "alters". Alters are not different people inside of you or your head, rather, the understanding in the field is that they are pieces of your identity that have split off into there own pieces and taken on a life of there own almost. Over time, you may come to know these different alters by names, or colors, and sometimes even as animals. I am a female and I even have some male alters. It is really difficult to get your head around all this, but you are the way you are because you have most likely been through some very difficult experiences.

This does not mean you're crazy, or bad...not at all. In fact it means that your mind and subconcious developed a very creative way to protect you and deal with these difficult experiences.

If you ever have any questions you can feel free to PM me. I'm always around and am more than happy to offer you support and help you to understand what you may be experiencing.

Take care...

[jen29]

Thank you so much Elysium,
I do have a T, actually she is a psychologist. She has been helping me for the past 3 years, and then when this came up she was so good at helping me. I should say she is so good.
Yes it is very very hard to understand. Right now my head is so noisy, and I want to do things that are bad...I don't know anymore...just feel like giving up now.
Thanks for everything,
Hugs,
Jen

[complic8d]

(((((((jen))))))))

[jen29]

I just talked to my T. She said not to give up hope. She said she won't give up on me so i shouldn't give up on me either.
I don't know how much hope is left. My head is so noisy and spinning. I just want to lay down and it go away for awhile. I have tried this many times today, but my head won't be quiet.
I am very scared that i am on my way to the hospital soon. I don't know how to avoid that right now. I am doing all I can to avoid it. My head is, well, I don't know how to explain it.
It keeps being a little girl's voice talking to me. Then an older person comes in and talkes to her. WHAT is going on with me??? I just don't understand.
I don't understand anything right now. I don't even know if I could drive.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and replies.
Hugs,
Jen

[complic8d]

jen

When all my hope is gone my t says to borrow hers! So borrow your t's hope and have some of mine. I have hope that you can get through this, even if it means the hospital. Hang in there and get whatever help you need.

Love
complic8d

[reg12]

Jen this can be quite normal for someone with DID. Has your T told you what is happening? If the T has worked with DID before then they should be able to tell you what is going on. If they just started talking to you then yes it is very confusing for you. Write if you need someone to talk to.

Originally Posted by jen29

I just talked to my T. She said not to give up hope. She said she won't give up on me so i shouldn't give up on me either.
I don't know how much hope is left. My head is so noisy and spinning. I just want to lay down and it go away for awhile. I have tried this many times today, but my head won't be quiet.
I am very scared that i am on my way to the hospital soon. I don't know how to avoid that right now. I am doing all I can to avoid it. My head is, well, I don't know how to explain it.
It keeps being a little girl's voice talking to me. Then an older person comes in and talkes to her. WHAT is going on with me??? I just don't understand.
I don't understand anything right now. I don't even know if I could drive.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and replies.
Hugs,
Jen

[DLHsSystm]

Hi Jen,

I just wanted to say, like others on this forum, I have been where you are. It is scary at first. Really scary. But as you get to know these voices (often asking them questions like do they have a favorite color? Or have they seen sunshine?) things become less scary. I now know some of my alters very well and they support me and comfort me when I am feeling overwhelmed. I made quite a bit of progress right from the start with that feeling of overpowering fear. This will pass, you are not crazy! You can handle it. There are many ways to get immediate support to quiet the chaotic feelings that rush out at first. For me medication was a miracle however other people choose not to take medication which is great. Some people I have met can learn with T's help how to self soothe without any medication whatsoever. I think that is wonderful but I wasn't able to do that. You might want to discuss these things with your T.

Welcome to all of yous.
Deb51

[Elysium]

Hey Jen....

I'm sorry that your head is so noisy right now!! What this is actually is your system of alters. When those with DID get to a certain point where conscious communication between the system begins inside, the head can get pretty darn noisy. What is happening here is that your alters, struggling to be heard yet scared to come forward, are all talking over eachother. I'm sure it feels like nothing makes sense right now...but as you and T move forward in getting to know your system, the noise will quiet down.

Over the last 7 months of being aware of my DID, I have been able to get to a place where most of my alters can either hear one another or speak to one another. This is a place that you can work to get to with T. It can take some time, and everyone gets there at their own pace...but it is very possible for you.

Some suggestions...when it gets noisy...if you can sit down with a journal and just let yourself, or whoever wants to just write out what they need to get out, sometimes this can quiet them down.

I think everyone's system goes through a bit of a shock when things start to come into the light. They've been hiding for so long to protect you and now they are coming out of the dark. It's scary for the system.

You will be okay!! Keep posting here!! We will support you through this crazy journey!!

Take care!!

[jen29]

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I see my T tomorrow, but don't want to go anymore. I thought that if I went things would maybe be ok. I don't know, they don't feel ok.
I want to quiet everything down for good. I know that's not the answer right now, but that's all i can think of doing. I am not going to do that, but have been pretty bad today.
When I have a conversation with someone, I talk like a little girl. What is that about? I am scared to even talk to anyone. I feel like a crazy "Freak" who is going downhill FAST.
THanks for everyone being so nice to me. I really appreciate it.
I am just so scared!
Thanks again,
jen

[billieJ]

Elysium gives an excellent explanation ~ thank You. I have so much to learn. Jen, I know that these voices inside must be most confusing and debilitating and you must yearn to be your old self, but I have faith in a good therapist. Please don'tdo away with yourself! If these thoughts persist, go to the ER. You can find health in dealing with all the problems the alters/voices have created and eventually feel better. You can't don't that after death. So, Please, don't give in to that. We don't know what lies beyond, so we can't wish to die. I understand your wish to leave your burdensome circumstances, and I think they will be un-troublesome or tolerable, as you work in treatment. There are so many here like you who have become our most trusted, supportive and gifted members. In all sincerely and Hoping for your safety ~ billieJ

[Jewels]

(((((((((((((((jen))))))))))))))

since the noise in your head is so loud, have you ever considered leaving a notebook or journal book out so others can write things out since you are so overwhelmed with it right now? Journalling helps all people, not just those with DID, but sometimes it helps us understand what is going on within if you leave a journal somewhere safe so that they know they can write in it. You may, or may not, want to read it, but if it is written in, take it to your T and ask her to read it and if she thinks it's ok to share it with you she will. There will be times, though, that she won't want to share things with you. That is ok, because then you must trust that she is withholding something to protect you while others are working things out and getting organized. There may be times that you will want to write something in the journal to tell those within what you are experiencing, and it may just be a time where you need to just vent. Just remember that a journal is a private affair, and you shouldn't leave it around where others could read it that don't know about your DID. Other than that, Elysium is a great font of knowledge about DID, as is ThaCrew, Poohbear, and quite a few others. Keep asking questions here, venting here, and you will find that we understand where you are because we all have been there. Just knowing that will help calm some of those fears. I hope you continue to tell us what is going on. Someone will always respond.

Safe hugs if you can receive them,
Jewels

[WePow]

Jen, don't stop trying. Yes, it is very hard dealing with troublesom alters. But you can make it. Keep your support close to your side and keep them posted on what is going on within you. Be sure you share the "bad" parts with T as well. That can be the hard part at times, but those pieces of information help T figure out what is going on inside. They have an outside point of view which really helps.

Wen

[jen29]

Well, I went to T today. I hardly talked to her, maybe like 15 min. or so. She told me she talked to the 8 year-old named Olivia, and the 3 year-old. I have really no clue what is going on. She told me that they said they are very scared of me. She wants me to really listen to the positive things that all of them say to me. It's all so new to me, I don't know how to explain how am feeling right now, except confused.
My dad is going with me to T next week. He has gone one other time, but don't remember that. I am scared that things are going to be said that I don't want to be said. She said that we are just going to open the communication lines between the two of us. I already talk to my dad, mostly when I get so desperate, but at least I do talk to him right?
Things have begun to quiet a little in the head. I hope that it stays that way. I am going to leave a journal out though.
Oh and when I went in to T's office she said she had me sign the progress report and that my signature was that of a little girl. WOW that scares the "Beep" out of me. My T said she could tell I wasn't there because it took me so long to sign it and then when she looked at the name, she said it was not the same as my usual signature. I feel like a weirdo, and a creep.
She keeps telling me that she has worked with this before, and that she is there to help me and keep "us" safe. She told me that some of the other's have called her this past week...WHAT???? I was so anxious about that because I don't know what they say to her. She told me that one called to say that I was back on the pills, and threw away the unsafe things. Then one called because was so scared of me and what had been doing. I don't know what all this means? What is wrong with me? I want this all to go away...how can I do that???
Thanks everyone for listening..
Hugs,
Jen

[reg12]

Hey thanks for the update. I am glad to hear that you made it to see T. I am glad she has worked with this before. That is why she is talking to the kids. The young ones are frightened already, so they have to understand.
They just have to learn. It is ok to be confused. This is difficult to understand at first.

Thats good if you can talk to dad. Talking to anyone helps. It lets us express ourselves and helps clear our minds.

If an alter is out then some of their ways may come across. You are not a weirdo or a creep. That can happen once in a while. Don't be frightened of it.

Yes the T has to guide you and them. She will protect all. You were anxious this past week. Ask the T what they talked about if you want to know. If it is ok then she will tell you. If she thinks it is best to not say then she will tell you that also. She can help you, but you have to be patient. You have taken the first few steps on a new path is all.

(((Jen)))
Try to be patient with yourself. It is very hard and scary but DID does NOT mean crazy, or freak or anything bad. It means your SELF chose to build this system to keep you alive and sane in the middle of chaos and danger. It's still new to me too, and always surprises/shocks/scares all of us. Try to talk to inside. Comfort them as you would like to be comforted. (I am just learning this myself )

I know this sounds lame but it WILL be ok.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( jen )))))))))))))))