DId someone tell you or did you figure it out on your own?

[WePow]

Exoticflower - I have always had my internal "friends" - people I knew were me because they logically could not be anyone else and fit inside my head... but different ideas and ways of seeing things. I just thought since I was a kid (even in pre-school) that everyone had people inside their heads they talked to. I paid a heavy price by being called names throughout all my school years for this. My folks just thought I was very imaginative. I never had imagination friends outside of me - because my internal friends were all I needed.

I was sent to a college counselor when I was 22 after a personal loss. That is when I was first introduced to the concept of multiple personalities because I was loosing a whole lot of time and even ending up in places I had no idea of going to. And people were comming up to me saying "HI!" and asking how I was - people I had never met before and they were totally lost and said "You have a twin then because she looks just exactly like you!" That was a trip! When after several years of counselling he told me it was most likely MPD, I was in total denial. I did not understand the concept and he was not able to give a DX due to his qualifications. But I came to accept the reality of it after a few years and a little research on it.

I have NEVER watched the typical DID movies like Faces of Eve and such. I just continued on with my life and tried to do the best I could in an adult manner. Thankfully, my strongest alter Elaine is more mature than I am and she was able to keep us safe and out of trouble from any alter acting out or lost.

When I was triggered earlier this year after buying a new car - the smell - I was placed in crisis state and forced to go back to therapy. I have been in since July and it has been a wild journey. This T is qualified to make a DX and said it is DID. He has met my alters and he provides the help I had to have this year. But until he told me flat out - and yes, I had to ask in a yes or no way for my own sake - I was still confused about it. I did not understand how it could be that way inside the mind. But the people here at PC have been awesome and TheCrew has really helped me out so much in knowing what my personal truth is. And for me now, that is really waht matters.

Thanks Wpowers for sharing your story. I know the books and the movies but I just want to hear from real people their stories. I am wondering if I am DID and I even emailed my T about this last night. I am scared to really know though, I just recently learned that I dissociate sometimes more than normal and I am 40, so you would think I should have known.

It must have been scary not knowing what you were doing at certain times and not know why. It sounds like you have an awesome T who knows how to treat you with respect, love and honor. I hear so many T's don't know what to do and end up harming the client more than helping them.

I find smells to be very triggering to me, it seems like it is a direct hit to the brain of some horrible memory. It is like when you are so little, you might not have the words to communicate what is going on, but your senses never forgot.
So I sense that you always knew, but you never had anyone put a label on it because you had no reason to feel anyone else thought differently as you and you lived with it for a long time without knowing it was "something". Am I following that right?

I guess what I am thinking is it possible not to know you have "others", (sorry I am not sure what is appropriate to call them.) and still have DID? Can one "other" be in such a dissociated state, that you simply just don't know they exist? I have lots of questions, most scare me a lot, but for some reason I feel I must ask.

[Elysium]

I was going through a lot of stress and experiencing more than my usual dissociation. I was trying to understand
why, so I was researching trauma online. My mind was so noisy inside. Like there were a bunch of people screaming a me. This had been happening my whole life. I started reading a about DID and instantly my head got quiet. It was the most eerie thing. Then someone inside said "Finally....It's about damn time." Then, they all started coming forward and introducing themselves. I thought I was going crazy and was so scared!! I couldn't even talk with my T about it. One of the parts made a video for her about it. I waited until the end of session to tell her about it. I told her I couldn't talk about it and asked her to watch it after I left.

After all was said and done, she got me an evaluation with the best Dissociation/Trauma T in town. After a long interview and some testing I was diagnosed. I had such a hard time accepting it that I got re-evaled and recieved the same diagnosis.

That was just last March...and what a ride it's been.

[AtreyuFreak]

I got really stressed a few weeks ago and one of my alters, Remy, "came out" to the school nurse. I've known on some level since 9th grade, because I always found notes in different handwritings and I lost a lot of time and everyone noticed how different I acted in different situations. Since then, everything I've read (especially here) on DID has just completely made sense. That has NEVER happened to me before, ever for the disorders with which I've been formally diagnosed. Both therapists know now.

[Crew]

NEVER Crossed our Minds and still trying to come and grasp it, hoping

it is something other than DID. I wish I could be as happy as some with getting this diagnosis... I hate being Dissociative but I didn't find out
till a group of doctors told me I was through alot of tests, written and the like. They took me off the Haldol and slapped mpd on my back.

I guess I just don't understand how ppl like this DID diagnosis...that I will never get...

ThaCrew

[Fox]

It didn't cross my mind because I didn't know what DID or MPD was. I knew my online sister had it but didn't understand what it meant except that she used it as an excuse to act like a whiny brat baby (love you sky <3 but that was my impression of you when we first met :P) and she was just an attention ***** when I met an angry violent alter. I forget his name now but he threatened to kill the host and I put my foot down about it. The whole time even though she insisted on being called this other name and talked in third person I assumed it was just her crying out for attention. I didn't handle it well at all. But fortunately the angry alter didn't hurt her only put jelly on her arm and took a picture saying it was blood. She found out about it so I figured she was just mad at me cause of how I treated her and was just using some label to get what she wanted. We didn't talk for many months then I forgot that we even fought and was like "dude how come you don't hangout with me anymore?" lol. That was well over a year ago now. . .maybe two or three? But that was my first experience with someone with DID.

I didn't even imagine I could be DID too. I was starting to lose control of myself I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I was being accused of things I KNOW I never did at home and at work. I've always had imaginary friends and experienced emotions like they were distant and not a part of me. Which is why I relate very well to others and experience emotions through my friends though I've only felt a few things first hand personally. I came to PC looking to see if there were answers. I didn't know what the question was other than "am I losing my mind?". After being here a few months it was brought to my attention that I switch in chats. Mostly when I think I'm sleeping. It wasn't good enough for me though. I even had saved chats with proof that I switched and I still couldn't believe that I too have DID. I asked my T at the time about it and she insisted that MPD/DID is too rare for me to have and even if I did have this what did I want her to do about it. I still don't know that answer. I want to learn more about my inner world. I want to understand and at least be aware when I switch. So anyways I had a lot of struggle with self-doubt (still do). I lost my insurance so couldn't see a T anymore but still kept my appointment for my pdoc ($80 for 15 minutes omg D. On October 22, 2009 I received an un-official diagnosis by a pdoc who hates labels because he feels it would only get his patience stuck in a box and not be able to move on from it. I don't think they understand that with acknowledgement I'll be able to accept and "fix" it or at least live with it now knowing what I experience has a name. If it weren't for the wonderful people here at PC I would have never known that the way I experience emotions and the voices inside and the world that I've seen bits of not perceived by my physical eyes is part of something unique and worth mentioning. I wish I had mentioned it during my initial evaluation when I had insurance. . . maybe then I would have had a chance at progress before I lost it.

[Fox]

@ crew in answer to your wondering how anyone can be happy about the DID dx:

I'm happy because I have a name for what I'm experiencing. I don't like that I'm not sleeping when I think I am. I don't like that I don't know if I remembered to go to work or not. I don't like that my biggest battle is myself. I don't like that there's not a miracle pill or a mixture of meds that would make me like everyone else. I'm happy because I there's wonderful people like yourself here on PC who have already been down this road. I'm not alone. Had I not found PC and later learned I have DID it would be a million times harder for me to accept since my only experience outside of PC with DID was so negative, it would be a hard pill to swallow. PC has given me so much guidance and tools many of them from the chats that you host. Thank you. You make me feel like I can do this and I will succeed even when I think I'm failing. <3

[WePow]

Crew - for sure not happy to have DID. But very happy that I have my alters with me who did protect me and save my life. When I had no one in the entire universe to help me or be even a single friend to me - I had them. I had me. It wsa not an ideal situation - but it was not my fault. I did not make myself DID. But I was very glad that I was not the only human on earth who had "others" the way I do. It can be so so lonely in this cruel world for some of us. We are our own internal support system. And it has kept us sane to spite it all :-)

[AtreyuFreak]

Crew --> I'm not happy about having DID. I never have been. I don't like that I suddenly find myself somewhere and don't have any idea how I got there or where I was or what I was wearing. I don't like suddenly realizing that I'm with someone that I really shouldn't be with or doing something (cutting, drugs, etc) that I really shouldn't be doing. But I don't absolutely hate it either. I like thinking that no matter how many friends or family members forsake me, I will always have "people" looking out for me. I like being able to express strong emotions, like anger and sadness, that I (as Sam, as the host) wouldn't be able to show. I like having different talents depending on who's out. I like that some of my alters are more social, or that each appeals to a certain type of person. I am profoundly relieved to know that I'm not alone in my experiences. I realize that without my alters, I'd have gone insane, or worse. Best of all, I can see that there is a future--for me, for living without DID, or for living without it controlling me. And, now that I know, I can finally get the people inside to stop fighting to get out; and we're all...kinda working together. For the betterment of ALL of us. As a team.

Hope that helps.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

DId someone tell you or did you figure it out on your own?

I was seeing a therapist she recommended psych testing and the psychiatrist that did the testing told me I had it and what it was.