So upset/no where to turn

tears. So many things are wrong. Then i posted in another forum - another place for trauma survivors ,
people that never write to me hijacked my thread and made up a violent situation that i wasn't in and posted. Others read it and posted after them . Now the moderators threw me out tears. It hurts so so much
My T called back because i'm been in crisis for two days and can't help me-
i don't know where to turn- i've seen this T for five years and the past four months left his office in complete despair. He apologizes for 'being rushed last Tuseday , and not 'putting things away' but it's every week. Then he says i'm mad. i'm not mad i just want to live. i can't live like this. He would never see me twice a week- because of his schedule. Finally last time i told him and just about demanded. Every dr i ever went to said i need twice a week therapy- my T never noticed. Then i leave his office a complete wreck and pick up a phone to say i never want to see him again because he doesn't care about me at all.

Everything is so wrong- T won't help me find a new T- he'd rather have me not survive. i can't work or anything now because of being so upset and the migraines are almost non stop. We're in and out of emergency rooms and they don't understand about parts- they don't understand about migraines. i feel like i'm not going to live anymore because i'm so physically sick from being upset because of DID, because of the problems i have with no support at home or in therapy or anywhere.
Now i can't even post at the other forum because those people hijacked my thread and made up all these horrifying things that i never wrote. tears. i can't write to my friends there. tears. They think i'm in a dangerous place with my h - i'm not - things are hurtful, there is another woman that is calling my house but we're not threatened physically. "Go to a shelter." they want me to go to a shelter- and leave my house (you know how hard it is to have parts and go to a strange shelter) and my h isn't hurting us physically- we're afraid of losing h.

i wanted support- a positive word from someone and they totally mis understood everything. tears. Now we have no supporty at all.

T doesn't understand either, tears. it's not that i'm angry with him that i can't see him anymore it that he doesn't help me. We're not going to make it. tears. we're too upset to live like this and T doesn't help. Every week i leave his office in complete despair. i like him but i can't live like this anymore. i have to find someone who could help us. No one can help. tears.
we're not better. tears.
no one is even there to talk to.
Why should i go to T's office to be in complete despair when i am already? tears.

please help,
kerria

((((((((((((((((((((kerria)))))))))))))))))))))) you certainly have so much going on right now. IRL and in your online support areas. i'm so sorry.

if t will not help you to find another t...find one yourself, or enlist the help of friends, pastors, md's, p'docs, etc. you can find a t that will help you. a t can't control a person's feelings when they leave t sessions, and when doing deep work, one is going to leave there in despair sometimes. however, it SHOULD NOT be every single time. that's too much for any survivor. if you're indeed leaving every session in complete despair, you must start looking for another t. please make sure the t has training in trauma/abuse. my t knew nothing of DID but what he'd learned in school and was able to dx me and is treating me so well. we're doing great there. it's back and forth work, though.

i know it feels like you won't make it sweetie. i feel that was too sometimes. just go minute by minute right now and begin the plan of researching a new t, then interviewing them until you find one for you.

please keep us updated. we care.

kd

((((((((((((kerria))))))))))))))

Kimmydawn has a good idea about supplementing the help of someone else possibly to get you through -- as she mentioned maybe weekly meetings with an attentive friend, pastor, support group, etc. Let us know if we can help too! We care about u

((((((((((kimmydawn))))))))))

(((((((((esthersvirtue))))))))))

There isn't any one to go to . church is too big and no one is there for that. They think DID is demons. h thinks also. i called a couple of Ts but we're in too upset to call anymore or interview anyone.
tears. i don't want to go to er. i think it's so bad that T couldn't help me find someone else. He knows i cry non-stop, week after week. T has no idea to help me- he works with trauma but doesn't know how to help me. we're too physically ill now with migraines to do anything. If i go inpatient all of my parts don't have a place to be and it's a major identity crisis also. we need someone to find us a good T.
tears.
kerria

Is there a community mental health near you? Ours suck but they did try their best w/ me & my DID. Do you have a crisis place you can go to? I don't mean a shelter. Like for me, there's a couns. service 35 min. from here for abused victims (I wasn't being abused, but had past so I could still call them). They came out & met me. Took me out. Talked to me. Look in the phone book & see if there's a place like that. I wish I lived closer to you to help you.
I'm proud of you for demanding your T see you twice a week. That shows strength! When they're wishy washy like that, we need to stand up for ourselves. Tell them what we want, need. A good T will compromise w/ you.
Keep posting in here. You are not alone.
(((((((((((Kerria))))))))
Love,
RM

((((((Kerria))))) I'll be praying that God will show you a way

(((((((((esthersvirtue))))))))
i wish that the people in the church and my h could know and understand that having a brain in separate parts that don't know each other because of trauma is different than having demons.

Church is the place i look to last now. i know God is not like that. i hope that He brings help soon. Everything is impossible.

kerria

(((((((kerria)))))))) i'm sorry about the church near you. however, that was just an example in enlisting help around you.

maybe tomorrow you'll be in a better place to make a few phone calls.

sending you wishes,

kd

Kerria......much love is being sent your way - and rest assured, all T's are not like the one you've had and definitely all churches do not hold the beliefs that you've experienced....hang in there and as our site friends have wisely advised...keep looking for the support you need. You're reaching out right now and that tells me that your will is exceptional. There is love , understanding and support out there for you....Hold On...Grace

Kerri, first and foremost I want to express to you have sorry I am that you feel so bad! And I know that when I am at my worst sometimes I think I need someone else to "do it" for me (make calls, appointments etc) but I am wondering, in thinking back over my own experiences, whether this might actually be the RIGHT time for you to go in patient. For me when things are at their worst that is when I end up doing the most growth - making the most progress! You've heard "it's always darkest be for the dawn" right? When It seems like I can't go on any more I turn to my therapy and trust it. Trust my Doctor to help me and then I open up, becoming very vunerable and let him point me in the right direction. Why not call you T and ask him if this could be a good place for you (even though it feels so bad) and not as bad as you perceive. Maybe he has seen you grow before and can help re-assure you that it will be OK. We can try to do that here but he knows you best (and for the longest). Please think about it.. and take care of yourself.

Best always,
Deirdre

(((((((((((kerria))))))))))))

Hang in there, hun...I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you, you don't deserve this, and we're all here for you.

tears
Thank you KimmyDawn, RhysMadison, Cat eye, Deirdre, MacD and Esthersvirtue for being there yesterday when i needed a friend so much.
Nothing has changed today- i haven't hears back from any Ts that i called and the other forum is still closed to me. They probably will never have me back and i probably shouldn't go but i miss my friends there. tears.

About going inpatient- my T always reminds us how i can't go inpatient at his hospital anymore. i had a horrific time there and they won't take me again either.
i wish that T wouldn't ever say that- it reminds me how he doesn't try to help me- i always feel so left out of his schedule and care. i was stuck at that hospital with an old lady dr that put me in solitary confinement for almost all of thirty days. My parts totally freaked- i had no one to be. i remember not being able to move because of being so upset inside and the staff there taking my blood pressure- it was almost gone because we hurt so much we had to leave there. They wouldn't allow us to sign out so we left - the only way we could. My parts wouldn't come forward to live and i couldn't move. It was Terrifying- understatement. i never want to be in that situation again but T talking about how they won't take me back-as if i could ever forget that- is uselessly hurtful to me. Why does he not care about how much he hurts me?

i'm one of the few pple that do a lot worse when i'm away from my surroundings- we only live in parts. Without a place for parts to live- there is no identity at all and we become very worse very fast. It hurts so much to be in that condition and there's no support person. tears. T wasn't a support for me then either.

Now T asked me to make an appt with him until i could find someone else 'if i still want to do that. ' i want to but how can i trust T? We're so hurt.

Everything is so bad. i cried before God , i need help . i still don't know what to do- i don't want to see T. we're way too upset. tears. It hurts so much- what happened at the other online support place. It's so dangerous to trust and go to places for support when they can decide not to have me when we really need support the most. we're so so so tired of everything always caving in all the time. tears. It's always like this- being an adult never changed anything- we're still in the same situation- disappointed and hurt because everyone we trusted didn't care about us.
so tired of being alone with my parts, begging a T to take me. i don't even want to do it again- we're always left like this. Going to therapy when you have parts is so unequal and painful. There's so much to lose- my sanity when the T doesn't care and hurts me on purpose- and not much to gain unless you happen to find a caring T that knows how to help. i wish someone could pm with the name of a caring T that has time to take me. i don't know where or what to do.

Thanks for being there,
kerria

((((((((((((((( Kerria ))))))))))))))))) (if ok )

I don't have any advice or anything to give, but I'm really, really sorry that you're having to go through this. It sounds awful and so upsetting for all of you. I really hope somebody will be able to suggest a t for you in your area. I wish you didn't have to go through this .

thank you (((((((((((silver queen)))))))))))))

it hurt so much in the other forum- someone that i don't know posted and said, maybe the reason why no one and nothing can help you is because of you- not them. i can't think of anything that can hurt more- blaming me for being in this place.

Thank you for not blaming me. tears. i always get angry with my parts. tears. we hate being in this place. tears,

kerria

(((((((((((((((( kerria ))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that the person from the other forum blamed you. That's just not right at all. I'm sorry it upset you. Certainly it's not your fault that you're struggling so much right now. Your t doesn;t seem to be helping much at all

((((((((((((((((((( kerria ))))))))))))))))))))

((kerria)) Honey I am so sorry that you are in this situation with your T. You've mentioned before that you've called all the local T's from the Sidran list. You've already tried that route. You've said the local inpatient ward is NOT an option and the reasons why.

How can we here help you find someone capable of working with severe PTSD/DID in your area?

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences on another board. Nobody needs that kind of grief when they're already in torment. Fooey on them!!

We can listen and offer ideas that you may have already heard but we're trying here sweetie. Wish we could do more.

fondly,
__zh

(((((kerria)))))
Lots of t`s are inadequate - maybe most - whatever they think they have their own psych problems.
You should leave that church if they think your parts are demonic - understand this would probably cause trouble at home, but you can`t afford to hang around with ppl who think like that.
This is the only site & forum that we have ever felt safe enough to post to. Wouldn`t most of us with DID be PTSD too? We certainly are & so is the husband. Also think you aren`t the only one of us who only feel safe to live in one place, suspect this might be quite common in DID. One of my t`s said it was because the place is the only certainty we can have in lives like ours, & he was a perceptive guy. It is more important that t should be perceptive & empathetic rather than looking at qualifications. Some social workers are quite good & some psychiatrists are quite bad.
Post here, honey, at least we know what you`re talking about. tears for your sorrow
Don`t let the bastards grind you down
I lost the smilies when I edited the post, sorry

((((((((((Silver))))))))))

((((((((((__zh)))))))))))

((((((((((Dawntreader)))))))))

Thank you so much for writing. Things are a little better now- i did call my T and make an appt for next week. it's all i can do, i can't find anyone else and we're not doing well enough not to see anyone. i told T how i felt and he said to make an appt until i find someone or maybe it can work out. i don't know. i did it anyways.

Dawntreader, thank you for understanding about the certainty we have at home- it's so hard to change your home when the inside keeps changing all the time. There's no certainty anywhere. when i switch it feels like the whole world changes. Everything feels so unstable that we can't bear any other changes.

Thank you Everyone for being there.

Love,
kerria