why?

Why is it that all they think because we were created under a sexual abuseive situation that is all that we want. We want to friends have some one to talk to not just hink we want to be laid. Why is it us the one that have been hurt so much that have to bear the waight of proving that we do not waant something. Why is the men that used our son to get what they want get patted on the back for getting laid under blackmail get the create for being great studs but the women that did what they did for family and to be less abused get title the slut. These men that want us to stay they no be near us when those rub in to us what tothers thaink of where they hteir when we try to do things with pur son just to have men look at us telling us that they were male enough to take us on for the night . How can they expect me to want to stay in the the same town that we were namr=ed the alnight whoes. what do they think we be made of they never talk to pur face about what is hurting us. but we hear them atlk about it when they think we are not near them. we want to leave but they think this is where we belong. Ya right we mqay not remember the men getting laid but we are the ones that heave hed to live with stranger grabing us and the women smile in the self rights way that they had them at home that they are ones tha got them at the end . we never wanted them we only wanted our son safe no one would take him they used him to keep us under their control just so that we would be more wasily controled more managaeble . god what kind of men taked and braggs about it them send the women to tel us that we will never be love for m ore then a peices of *SS . That they make us sata is bull ***** we have lived her long enough under this weight our son no wants us no more we have notheing only pc world takl sto us . we should be set free but even some of the parts inside refuse to let us leave this town what alse do we have to lose. WE have nothing no hope no future here but they keep us here just so those that hate us can rubit in that we have no one no one to talk to face to face that just wnt to be friends. we mo live down cause even if we not even do all they say we be condemed by all cause we be different hhere that is our big pain. no one talk to our face and we are cosiantly tild that we can never be a part of our sons life no more that we can only watch from the out side looking in. why do we have to were more scares on the soul just so a few inside can have the privilidge of saying we did not give in they are furll sh
8t we no want to be hurt no more and even thsoe we thought heard us only hear what they want to hear so why stay and fight for someting that is not even our to fight for. the town has alreaduy called us what they want ot call u s now why wont those inside and out let us free.?????

(((((( anderson )))))) we not sure what to say --- we don't know why to most things either.... we just know we have to keep on fighting and dance when we can

The outsiders won't stop exerting their power over you until you do something to stop it. I have been in similar situations also. I had to learn how to turn my back on those people and disassociate myself from the promises and lies that they held over me. I'm not saying that this is easy by any means. It's a huge decision and a big life changing step to take. I was scared to death of being totally alone for the first time in my life, but I chose to give up my friendships with anyone that I didn't trust (at that time, there was only 1 person in the world that I trusted and they couldn't offer any more help to me than just moral support over the phone). I did odd jobs in the communities where my car ran out of gas to make a little money for food and a campsite to stay at. I ended up getting a few jobs through temp services in a town where there was no influences for me and eventually I moved out of my campsites and tent into an apartment. Finally my parents were able to help me out a little and I was able to get myself back on track again a little bit, and after that is where the internal healing began for me. My point is this, I didn't have the means at the time to get away from my situations but I made a conscious choice to get away from my abuse and stuck to it. I may have had to do a lot of disassociation to others and myself, but I am now a better person because of that. I still deal with my alters and things not going the way I wish them to, but at least I got away and I am able to make a choice what steps to take next in my life. Like so many here, I give much of the credit of my continuing inner healing to those here at pc. My heart goes out to you Anderson. You're a very intelligent and caring person that shouldn't have to deal with the cards you've been dealt. Hope I've provided some type of light for you here.

because they live in their own ignorance

(((((( Anderson )))))))

You are a Mom. You will always be a 'Good Mom' an 'Excellent Mom'. You have sacrificed much for your son but I also know you would not choose to be a martyr in this, just to be holding that in some kind of false pride. You do it out of love, a Mother's heart is so much bigger than we know until we see how it is played out in our own lives with our own children.

We do much for our children and a teenage boy's favourite person is not always 'the mother'. It really has nothing to do with you or what happened to you. I just remember that those years were very complicated and ones where I needed to tread ever-so-lightly with my son. Letting go of him was as important, if not more important than holding him close. Even though you had to do what you had to do, you remain in your dignity and you can hold your head up high no matter where you go. I am so glad that you kept going to find what helped for him and now you can begin to question your own future plans. We surely found our own next step to be very difficult. Here is hoping your next steps will measured to be just right for you. It is a bit of empty nest too, that you may be experiencing.

There were many times I had to make the best of a bad situation and I can see, Anderson, that your creativity and ingenuity (be they parts or just who you are) have caused 'all to be well' for both you and your son, okay not well for you and your parts, in some ways, but I bet that young man is a real neat person despite his illness! He undoubtedly loves you so much and someday may be able to tell you again but not right now. And now you can turn that creativity to use on yourself and your future plans. Easier said than done, we know. Ultimately we will be parents, like Kahil Gibran stated: "our children come through us, they are not ours". That doesn't mean you let go completely because he still can get in trouble but, you know, you need to build your own life now and for me that has been a huge challenge and still is in some ways.

Even these parts within you, Anderson, that want to stay may have something to do with the commitment to your son and this is of great value. It is hard though but worth it, that is the thing.

I'm kinda giving you an early "Mother's Day" talk, not advice, Anderson but I hope you will take it in the light intended and that is to strengthen you in your weakness and build up your courage where it seems to have been torn down.

We are different too Anderson, and I/we seem to always be questioning my/our next step, as in purpose, evaluating at least in our minds, trying to see what is the best next step, attempting to find ways to overcome, past and present, and even future stuff. Sometimes it works out sometimes not. I just know I can't go on being abused anymore, nice to learn it, hey in this old grey hmmm, well, enough of that, but it's true...

Fadedspirit does seem to really have one answer and it does sound pretty good...peace of mind...so how, where and when does that begin?

We might just be takin' a different route because of contemplating this, Anderson...

All the best to you, dear heart. We speak 'freedom, peace and even some abundance' over your life (and even for mine).

Love,
Hunny


PS we kinda tired so hope this all makes some kind of sense.

That WHY is still a mystery to all of us..... I often ask WHY -

We woke up this moring with the next 2 post witten and asked to post as is . We do not have wi fi where we park at night but we got told what we thought we would be told as to the why we still here.please read with cation they did not beffer it to much for the pain that they/ we are in.
.....What we asked for from the universe was someone that would allow my younger parts to heal and grow what we got was a group of men that thought just because we were made under sexual abuse that the only thing that we want was sex. well sex was an easy way not to get hurt or tortured if you keept them happy they no hurt you yet now when we no live with the men that hurt us so bad we now here that if we try to leave this town the ones that hurt us so bad will get us and hurt us more. what a f... waieght to put on a mind of a young child alter that u have to stay and survice us so that u wont be tied up beating caned or r>>>>> but damn I guess that line has worked for 3 d..... nyeaars why stop now. The women here tell others that we now go after them not!!!! that is so gross we were aasuulted by our bio mother no thanks on that one. Why still men because the odd part that even as a child if we kept one happy for a time the abuse , the tortue would stop. but here they just use it to keep us in town with no housing no friends no hope only the hope of less abuse which is bul.............. but until we can get those parts to believe that they had been lied to we still have work to do. We will always love our son. His "Illness" is he community that we live in have no comapasion or understanding of that which is different. Because we were so missed up and was such an easy target so was my son for now he has to live down that which he helped to create to be accepted by those around him while I keep thinking that we still have a chance at life somewhere else. Being grommed to be the slave of others was well taought to us now why cant we find some one to help unteach my inner parts that we no longer have to be that which we where created to be used for.

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They finely shared the new ones. In the end we already knew what they had to say we just crying now because outsiders will still use what has happen to us in the past against us. We are survivor of ritual of abuse. To make the long story short. One of them was to abuse us then cut the body between the shoulder blades. The abuse was so bad in truth we do not think that there is a part that has not been cut or scared. The only reason that they are not so loud is that we used creams to heal them so that they not are so loud. When we went to get help to the mential health here we were told that if we kept talking about the abuse that they would take our son and give him to the type of people that had no true love. My bio family only knows hate and pain. Someone found them and we were told that if we choice to keep up talking about what we were talking about that they would take him and give him to the very people that killed my other children. That took from me the very life that I was just starting to enjoy because a niece came to us an d beg for protection. We went after them and they interned killed all that I hold dear at that time and put me back under their control.
……since we left Michigan there has been times that we had comfortable relation ships with men. But when we got to feel safe like many here the inner walls start coming down. Since the Mental health here refused to hear us we thought we found people that would let us heal but instead what alters told them was used against us. We said we hurt our son, to use we did because he had to watch us being used by the men then be hurt himself. How can u tell a child that each time you tried to stop him being hurt his arm or leg be broken or burned by some *SS we stopped trying cause he was hurt worst we had to stop and wait until we known he be safe and we had time to get him out before they hurt him again.
……A quote is “A Truth told to harm can cause more harm then any well thought up lie.” The truth we be hurt very bad so was our son. Those that hurt us here use our fear that they would kill our son if we no do what they told us to do. Others in the past killed our babies in front of us why should these men be any different. They tell others how they did it , Then a group of women heard about us, we even go into batter women housing to find safety foe us they hurt us cause of the nightmares we had then they try to do exorcism to remove the demons from us. They hurt us to now we have no one that will spend time with us cause others got o them and tell them bad things. We have no one here yet parts are afraid to move on cause they be told that we be found again and be hurt really bad they be told what happened here is nothing compared to what happen when we be held captive . How Can we get other to understand we no want sex for the small parts? The hole wants a single man in life to keep others away from us. We no want to be used by all we just want one man if they no let us leave her why wont they let us have one man to protect us from the dark ones that just want to hurt us. We so tried of hearing that we went after those men when they are the one ones that pined us told us that they got right to our body. How can any one heal if the whole town thinks that all we are out for is to get laid when in truth we were looking for someone strong enough to keep the others away from us? These men did not give a dame about the scares we have all they cared about that out of fear we did what we did till we had nothing here for us nothing but pain and sadness. It got to the point that we tried to move , to die but somehow some one was their to pull us through and when they known that we were to scared to try again they left us in isolation only to be talk to or approach by those that want to see if they could get a piece. We were so f up we could not even go to the people that was suppose to help us cause the mental health here said we just need to get her back on her med nothing happened . We were the ones being told that we talk ed our son hurt but when we go get help w told nope nothing happen cause there be no marks cause we to afraid what they would do to our son. So Here I am in a town that will not let us have friendships or companionship because the only thing is we want sex sorry people the really big thing we want is freedom from this pain we bear. We want to be able to move on but the fear that these people have instead in us makes a part of us have panic attacks and brings us back to the very people that have hurt us.
……Even our son has said that what is the sconce of him moving with us because no one will help me heal from my past because the benefits of me living in the trauma of my past is it big of a benefit for these people. The sad part is for those of us that have memoirs of living with our Nana and the small group of men that took us in accepted us for who we are makes living like this a living h*LL. But can I get these people to understand that no. All they care about is what makes them feel good. My personal happiness means nothing when every body gets what they want but I and this body get nothing but pain and fear. Because each time we think that the past is over a group of guys have to repeat past abuse because that must be why we so said because we are not getting our daily dose of abuse. There is no way that we have a whole could be healing wanting to be safe and sound with one man. Now not just to have a good relation ship but to be safe from those that would use the past against us. How can a group of people justify what they are doing to us even if we truly did not remember all the facts? Somewhere somehow someone should have said this was not right not fair. When we tried to talk to the men that we thought understood us. They said they heard but they did not. Remember we are so screwed up we live off being abused by those around us. We are nothing but a body with holes in it to satisfy the men of this community with no home no hope and no son to love us cause no one want to understand or protect us t=from the abuse that these men say we ask for. That we want it above all else. We come here to cry but some of us are still asking after 3 years of living in fear what more is there for us. We are to afraid to get a job because now when we go near men then we must be looking for another fix. Now it no matter here whether it male or female we looking for a fix. There is no way in h*ll that we are human beings need to talk need to be wanted fro more then the holes on our body. / We only really talk to those here now for in real life, we have no one that does not believe that we are more then our past. The best way to descried how we feel is that we are a paraplegic, our body is completely paralyzed. We have no way to communicate to outsiders what we feel and because our word means nothing here we have no hope no future without pain because no man wants soiled goods and we have no to stop the abuse because no one wants to help us heal here just keep reinforcing past trauma so that they get what they want from us. The sad part is we should have feet safe enough to move on. Why is it that the parts feel safe living in the car, yet not safe enough to move out of town? They would not have shared so much if they had not fealty the body safe. So why or what is keeping us here. WE want freedom from being abused by those that harm us. That is all that we have begged for these last years now that our son is of age we should be able to live a life free of pain.

Trigger wawning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We told that we say here why we want to leave buthey no let us go so we say what we want to make usa stay the biggers say thy no touch so we no spell good but still try to say wat need to be said.
……. Why do the bigers thatnk that we only want sex. They tell us if we no do then take …… from us and give to those tht hurt us. We even got scares to prove what they do. Those that say they help us only if we do what they say but still no let us have time with ,……… cause they say bad thing then he no like us no more or was it cause we asked for help public cause no one would stop hurting us. We want to be trsated just like ourside kids. They not all be hurt they be safe but biggers just bring kids around us juat to remind us how we not good enough to be just like other kids we made by bad people that is all we goood for. Noone want someone that is coverd with sacare cause that all anyh outsider wants rfrom us. WE try to die yet all they think if they have sex with us then we be better no they just prove they displine us softer then the really means ones from befopore. We no have no friends or talk to outsiders here cause they be told we do bad things in physical no we don’t ……… bigger now we no have to do bad thins to keep himm safe now we need to go away so they no hurt us now but they no let us say that the bad one the ones that cut our back will get us again but they no give us protexction here thedy only teel others ot=to dcome tous to see if we nee d or want someone different they no understand that we want a real home a family in real world where kidsa no be used by bad men or women we just want to have a life like other kids but they no let us cause of all the lies made from the thruth to make us look bsd. But no one hear us. Those that say they do no stop the bad ones from huutnog us but no one hears us nop one makes the bad one leaves us alone no one heres helps us to be safe just let other more hurt us cause they no want us yet tell others to hurt us moer . We cry no one wants to kep us safe only let us be hurt no safe place puc her fro us cause no one want to believe we share truth but when we share we get hurt so why live inf wolrd that no safe place for us they lie we go to one that say protect us but then they turn on us. Trll us they find some one else no one gives us ho,,e or hope for just as soon as they get laid tthen they tell the others that they can have us again just like the other ds from before.
…. We want no more hurt no moe pain. Want real friends not the oness that say friends tht say protect then once they get what they want tell us now we work for them and we got to take care of their friends too. >>> no live us no mre they can no longer use our son say that he be hurt if we no do what they tell us to do. Why is when we say we only want one person on real world to take us home and take care of us that thye think we only want a new fix like the biggers say. They tell each other lies so no one likes us no more but make sure we to scared to move out of this town.
………want safe in real world, no let biggers touch us in bad ways
Want safe time with our son no let him hurt us caues we be difeerent from other. Outsiders taught him it okay to be mean to us noone want to be with us and be nice to us only tach him to hate us more by the they treat us. Want the nasty to stay away from us.
….how can we get others to like us without sex if tht is all that outsiders believe that is what we want. Those that made us this way and those that use us for same thing even though we no get cut up no more are still dark souls if we have to live in a town that they helped teach to hate us caues the only way tht we could keep the rally bad ones awy was to have sex with thise that would not hurt as bad as the others, What kind of life is it when we ave to pick the lesser of two evils cause no ine want to here that we still be human and want to have real life with out the pain of the past.
WE tell other we no ouside friends they ask why we tell them the truth we think we have real friends but then they say they no friends unless we have sex with them. So we taalk with those on Pc world cause they no can touvh us like real people can. But we stil lonely we remember Nana and brian they loved us back then but they not here no more they be on other side but those that want to keep us here no let us go to the ones tht understood us.

(((( anderson ))) we understand trapped.... we had to stay trapped 4 10years before we could get free. All I can say is to keep on trying to fight and keep looking for the light. Safe hugs to all who you are.

WePow thank you for telling us to do this. We did not really think of all the pain that some bear for us but when put into wrighten it helped us understand more thank for being here and helping us to find the way.