[peaches100]

Want to start out by saying i don't think i have DID, but do have Complex PTSD with definite dissociation problems. . .

Anyway. . .

I'm feeling discouraged. I've been in therapy a long time (several years), and i've learned alot and made alot of changes. But i'm stuck at this one thing and i can't get past it/fix it.

I have my normal adult self who can cope pretty well with life. But then i have traumatized parts of myself that become active when i get triggered. These sides of me are very different. . .they feel young, afraid, insecure, needy, etc. I'm very good at hiding these parts of me unless i get triggered. The problem is, when i get triggered and these other parts of me emerge, i can't pull myself out of it or access my normal adult self.

Lately, my therapist has been working with me to try to increase communication between the adult part of me and these childlike, hurting parts of myself. It is working somewhat, but i'm finding it really, really hard to do. It's like trying to access your dreaming mind when you are awake. Or like, when you are asleep and dreaming, to keep awareness of the part of you that lives life awake.

Lately, my husband has said that he thinks, when i get triggered, i should be able to pull myself out of it. Also, my therapist has started talking alot about the need to bring traumatized parts of myself that are stuck in the past into the present. . .and asking me if it is time for this?

i feel like my husband and t are expecting/wanting me to be able to do something i don't know HOW to do. when i'm feeling fine, i only have a hazy awareness of the traumatized parts of myself. And when i get triggered and those parts of me are activated, i don't know how to birng myself out of it, and into the present.

my t has been working with me on this but i still don't feel like i have much control over it. I feel pressured to do something that i can't figure out how to do.

[loveregardless]

((( peaches )))

I had this conversation with my husband last night, almost exactly.

I was having a hard time keeping it together, he came home late from work and was wound up from a stressful day, and I was upset, and starting to fragment, but then he started coming at me and triggering me left and right, and I was doing everything in my power to keep from letting certain parts "out", and so others were more or less taking over at that point, and he kept yelling at me to look at him. "Just snap out of it", etc. Which as you know, it doesn't work like that. And what's strange, is that my husband KNOWS that, it was not typical behavior for him. It was obvious that he was projecting a lot of his own stuff on to me, and so I did my best to tell him to back off, but then he just climbed in bed and went to sleep, leaving me to try to pull everyone back "in" on my own. Which never goes well. I ended up waking him up in tremors fighting back sobs. It was a rough night.

I don't know if my sharing this with you helps or not, but it just felt so similar to your situation, and how you feel you are being pushed to "just snap out of it", and I just wanted to let you know, I understand.

Over the years I've actually tried to fool myself into thinking that it's just that easy, creating a pretty hurtful inner dialogue of, "you're just doing this for attention", "you know you can control this", "just make it stop, just do it" kind of stuff. And it just never works like that.

Now that I'm working with the parts of myself with more sensitivity and acceptance, I am finding that things are going much better. They can communicate to me through various ways, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and I can try to make sure that everyone knows the way they feel is not only allowed, but respected. And it is making a world of difference.

I have had a few "alters" coming "out" more clearly, and some that don't want to talk to me, but still have their own strong thoughts and emotions that I catch floating about.

Do not allow the pressure from others to dictate to you where you should or shouldn't be is what I'm getting at. You are where you are. And all the parts of you deserve to be respected, accepted and loved. They are there to protect you. Obviously it's much more complex than all of this, but I think you get what I'm saying.

Sorry, rough day so I'm all over the place myself.

[Ascension]

I am sorry you are caught in this place. It is so hard for people to understand the complexities of disassociation. Those of us with mental deviations are often times held to expectations that are foreign to us. The "normalcy" others take for granted make it very hard for them to understand those of us who operate differently. I wish I had an answer to helping other understand those of us who are different. But I do understand being caught in a place where others expect more from us then we can give. For me the best way to handle it was to just walk away and take care of myself. It was my way of saying I can't explain it, you don't understand and I can't, in my limitations, fight with you about it anymore. When I tried to argue my point all I ever heard was "You are making excuses and just lazy, or selfish or weak." My arguing back made it look like I was stronger and more aware then I really was so I just learned to walk away from when people pushed me too hard. Please don't take that as I gave up on relationships, but I stepped away from the argument or conversation when it came to an impasse. Often times it was with my parents or my life partner and I have them all in my life now so I didn't cut them out of my life I just learned to pick my fights and take care of me first. I wish you peace and balance.

[peaches100]

Loveregardless,

Thank you so much for responding. It helps so much to know that somebody else "gets" what i'm talking about, and that they experience it too. I'm sorry that you have to struggle with it too, though. It's so hard.

I think i get so reactive/upset when my t pushes me too hard to do something i can't do or am not ready for, because as a child at home, i never felt like i was doing enough, or was good enough, to be accepted. I felt like a disappointment who never measured up.

Then, a few years ago, when i went into a serious clinical depression, two of my friends didn't understand that i couldn't just snap out of it. One of them even told me to "stop wallowing in self-pity." It was like a stab in the heart. There I was, struggling just to get from day to day, and the two people I was closest to in the world (besides my husband) didn't understand. It made me feel very down on myself, like a bad or weak person.

So now. . .any time my t pushes too hard and i feel i can't do what she wants me to, or that i need to, i get those surges of not being good enough. . .the same kind of self-criticisms that go through your head.

Things like,

. . .I should be able to do more/do better.

. . . I should be farther along by now.

. . .I shouldn't need so much help.

. . .I'm a therapy failure.

And on and on.

My t is great; she really is. But sometimes i get frustrated because both she and my husband seem to expect more out of me than i can do. My husband even said recently, "You've done enough reading about therapy and your issues. You probably know as much about it as your t does." I interpreted his statement to mean: I should know how to fix my problem and just do it and get on with my life. He has also said in the past that instead of trying really hard to get past my issues, i just want a "poor baby; poor baby" from my t. That is so not true!

I know i am trying as hard as i can already. Why can't the people who know me see this???

I consider myself high-functioning because i am able to work full-time and hold it together most of the time, while hiding my problems. But sometimes i think it works against those of us who are high functioning to be able to wear that mask that says "I'm totally fine and OK." Because when we DO get triggered or crash, the people who know us say things like, "You could pull yourself out of this if you wanted to. I've seen you function better than this."

[loveregardless]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Loveregardless,

Thank you so much for responding. It helps so much to know that somebody else "gets" what i'm talking about, and that they experience it too. I'm sorry that you have to struggle with it too, though. It's so hard.

I think i get so reactive/upset when my t pushes me too hard to do something i can't do or am not ready for, because as a child at home, i never felt like i was doing enough, or was good enough, to be accepted. I felt like a disappointment who never measured up.

Oh boy, do I hear ya!!! My parents had me at 17 and 18. I've known my entire life that if it hadn't been for me that they never would have gotten married and subsequently they never would have been so miserable for 17 years. I have always known that my father wanted my mother to abort me and that my mother wasn't happy about me coming along. That's a heavy load to carry as a kid. With my dad, a B was never acceptable, it was always, "I know you can do better". I was always pushed into things academically, which left me depressed and disappointed in myself when it wasn't making me "happy" and I "let everyone down" by becoming less and less "high functioning" as the years went on. I never made it through college. I haven't been able to work full time in years. And I haven't worked at all in 2.

Then, a few years ago, when i went into a serious clinical depression, two of my friends didn't understand that i couldn't just snap out of it. One of them even told me to "stop wallowing in self-pity." It was like a stab in the heart. There I was, struggling just to get from day to day, and the two people I was closest to in the world (besides my husband) didn't understand. It made me feel very down on myself, like a bad or weak person.

Yup. The genius of the outside perspective.

So now. . .any time my t pushes too hard and i feel i can't do what she wants me to, or that i need to, i get those surges of not being good enough. . .the same kind of self-criticisms that go through your head.

Things like,

. . .I should be able to do more/do better.

. . . I should be farther along by now.

. . .I shouldn't need so much help.

. . .I'm a therapy failure.

And on and on.

One of my alters has the hardest time with this, George, I think she was created around 16 or 17 when my mom left. She constantly feels like she is going to disappoint everyone, and has a hard time even trying to do something because she is so easily discouraged and it just breaks her heart (and mine/for her) when things don't go like she wanted, usually for the sake of everyone else.

My t is great; she really is. But sometimes i get frustrated because both she and my husband seem to expect more out of me than i can do. My husband even said recently, "You've done enough reading about therapy and your issues. You probably know as much about it as your t does." I interpreted his statement to mean: I should know how to fix my problem and just do it and get on with my life. He has also said in the past that instead of trying really hard to get past my issues, i just want a "poor baby; poor baby" from my t. That is so not true!

hahaha. Are you me by chance? GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! lol. I am a research maniac. I haven't had a T since I was 15, and only two brief stints with less than competent drug wielding psychs since. I've made the study of myself, psychologically, biologically, metaphysically, etc. my #1 goal since I was about 18. It's my full time job. I spend every waking hour working on myself. And I do a DAMN good job. I KNOW a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff (boy that sounds intelligent, lol), but knowing doesn't make it easy. I've said many times before, if it weren't for how HARD I work at this, you just have no IDEA. Poor baby my ***.

I know i am trying as hard as i can already. Why can't the people who know me see this???

Something that I learned a long time ago is that tooting ones own horn is, in my case, a necessary part of my healing and self confidence. I'm done waiting for other people to see how hard I try. If they don't, or can't, or whatever, then too bad for them, because I'm working my *** off over here and I'm AWESOME. I try to give myself major kudos, in front of others if need be, so that no one is in doubt of the effort I am putting in. So, toot that horn peaches. Toot the crap out of that damn horn because you are doing it!! And if others can't see that, then it's because they are too consumed in their own stuff (which is ok, it happens, it's that human thing they all seem to be afflicted with, lol) then it's not going to keep ME from KNOWING it anymore.

I consider myself high-functioning because i am able to work full-time and hold it together most of the time, while hiding my problems. But sometimes i think it works against those of us who are high functioning to be able to wear that mask that says "I'm totally fine and OK." Because when we DO get triggered or crash, the people who know us say things like, "You could pull yourself out of this if you wanted to. I've seen you function better than this."

OMG. Like seriously. Hug me already, sheesh. I say this ALL THE TIME!!!! It seems like every time that I'm doing really great for a while, pushing, succeeding, keeping things linear, staying together, then everyone around me seems to FORGET where I WAS and how much work I've put in along the way. And subsequently (word of the day I guess) they forget how bad it can get. i.e. hubs behavior last night. I just looked at him, while I still could, like, are you kidding me? This is a joke right? What exactly do you think is going to happen if you keep on with this?? Go look in the mirror and give this **** to yourself kid, because it ain't me.

That being said, it is a T's job (and a husband who in many cases is our at-home T) to push you the appropriate amount. My husband has said before, and he is 100% right, that if he didn't push me, then I'd never have accomplished many of the things/feats that I have so far. It does help us grow. But it's about finding a balance and being able to communicate to them, look, I appreciate the confidence from you, I really do, but you need to back off right now ok. Because right now this is creating unrest and anxiety far more than it is inspiring that confidence in me. And that should be the whole point.



I think most people's husbands would hate me if I was their wife, lmao.

You may be the one with the fancy label hefty issue, but you aren't the only one on this journey. Hubs and T are people, too. And that means they have their own issues. We are ALL on this journey TOGETHER.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Want to start out by saying i don't think i have DID, but do have Complex PTSD with definite dissociation problems. . .

Anyway. . .

I'm feeling discouraged. I've been in therapy a long time (several years), and i've learned alot and made alot of changes. But i'm stuck at this one thing and i can't get past it/fix it.

I have my normal adult self who can cope pretty well with life. But then i have traumatized parts of myself that become active when i get triggered. These sides of me are very different. . .they feel young, afraid, insecure, needy, etc. I'm very good at hiding these parts of me unless i get triggered. The problem is, when i get triggered and these other parts of me emerge, i can't pull myself out of it or access my normal adult self.

Lately, my therapist has been working with me to try to increase communication between the adult part of me and these childlike, hurting parts of myself. It is working somewhat, but i'm finding it really, really hard to do. It's like trying to access your dreaming mind when you are awake. Or like, when you are asleep and dreaming, to keep awareness of the part of you that lives life awake.

Lately, my husband has said that he thinks, when i get triggered, i should be able to pull myself out of it. Also, my therapist has started talking alot about the need to bring traumatized parts of myself that are stuck in the past into the present. . .and asking me if it is time for this?

i feel like my husband and t are expecting/wanting me to be able to do something i don't know HOW to do. when i'm feeling fine, i only have a hazy awareness of the traumatized parts of myself. And when i get triggered and those parts of me are activated, i don't know how to birng myself out of it, and into the present.

my t has been working with me on this but i still don't feel like i have much control over it. I feel pressured to do something that i can't figure out how to do.

that question are you ready to bring the past into the present, I don't think therapists expect you to do what you don't know how to do when they ask it. they cant read your mind and decide for you whether you are ready to look at, talk about the trauma and abuse smack in the face and then work on ways to make it so that the past no longer affects the present. your the only one that can tell them if you are ready for that. when you are just say yes and the therapist will guide you through it, step by step. if you decide you are not ready to do this let the therapist know, that way they will know how best to help you.

[anderson]

((((peaches 100 and loveregardless)))))
You both are not so alone I/We are feeling alone for the very same reason now. We have people that want us back into therapy but therapy for shcizo. that has only hurt us more in the past how can going to a strink having the person tell you all of it is in your head because of how you handle the past abuse is beyond me. but we truely do miss having a person physally in our life that is willing to just be there. you both are blessed to have that. good luck and thanks for the post you gave us some wind benith my wings to carry on good luck and safe hugs to u both.

[peaches100]

I appreciate all of your replies. Unfortunately, I'm still feeling scared! Could you all please help me understand a little bit more about why this still might be scaring me so much?

I've made some good progress in therapy in the last 3 months or so. The progress I've made recently includes admitting some anger/grief about the way i was raised, instead of my usual thinking that my parents did everything right and i was wrong.

I also, when grieving, let my t comfort me physically.

I also recently did a visualization where i pictured holding and rocking my own inner child.

These were all big, big steps for me. I felt good about them.

But then my t started talking about "bringing the wounded child part of me into the present." And I've been feeling scared ever since.

When she says to "bring the part of me stuck in the past into the present," i think she wants me, when i get triggered, to recognize that i am an adult in 2010, and that i am not a child re-experiencing my trauma. So when i get triggered into feeling that she is rejecting/abandoning me, i will realize it as a trigger from the past, not something that is happening in the now.

This makes sense to my logical adult mind. But it terrifies me on a different level.

When she says to bring that child part of me into the present, does that mean that the child part of me disappears? That really scares me because that vulnerable, hurt part of me feels very real.

If child parts come into the present, do i still experience them as separate? Will my t stop having a relationship with them and only relate to the adult me?

I'm scared.

This is so hard for me to explain. Does anybody know what I'm talking about?

[loveregardless]

I think when she says for you to bring that child part of you into the present, in means to share this present moment with that wounded/scared inner child, by letting them know that the present moment is not the past, and they are safe, supported and loved NOW.

I don't think she would want you to do anything that you weren't comfortable with doing, and not wanting to let go of that part of yourself is perfectly fine. In fact, it seems like sharing your NOW with her would be embracing her in a whole new way.

Can you try doing some things for her that will make her feel more confident, comfortable and safe today? Lately I've been opening up to my own little parts as much as I can, offering them whatever they need when I can. This can be things, i.e. teddy bears or crayons, children's movies, etc. But it can also be an internal dialogue that allows the adult YOU to share the present with the child part.

We also have a kid's chat Monday nights at 7pm (tonight) that you might like to sit in on. It is a "safe" chat, which means we keep the dialogue safe, kid friendly and non-triggering. It might be a good place to let your inner child have more freedom and feel that acceptance and love from others ??

You can PM Starrina about if you are interested.

[anderson]

OUr biggest fear was still being hurt by others for our inner children. Bringing them to the present for us was letting them know that the world is safe for them. sometimes outsiders can be cruel but that is out of their ignorance of who and what you are. but by rights the physcal dangers should be over. As to letting her go that is up to you but that is not until you both learn to work together and chose to be one again. let your T know that right now you need to let each other know that now is the time to get to know one another. That talk of joining or intergrating is to triggering now. That should give you both time to find out what you both want and still feel safe in therapy.