Brainwashed and confused ????

Last night I had T and I'm still very upset and triggered. I haven't slept any and I'm still very confused. My brain is all twisted and I know what's suppose to be right in my head, but the feelings I have make me so confused. My T said several times last time that it's because I've been so brainwashed and programmed that I can't think clearly. Ok I say a little about my situation. So everything beyond this point I think will be triggering. It's really triggering me, so I'm sure it could other people as well. So please don't read it if not in a good place. But I just need to talk about it.

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Ok this is my problem. How do I even start to change what's been programmed and brainwashed into my head??? I was very abused as a child and had a large number of abusers due to being used in a child porn ring and involved in RA. As a small child I was traded out to other men to be abused. One of the things that was used to control me was to put us in a duffle bag and leave us in the woods behind our house at night for hours. As a teen there were times that I worked on the street. This is what I learned that I was. I'm having an extremely hard time learning that I wasn't born to be abused. I know in my head that it's not true. But I still really feel like I was born to be abused. If I wasn't born to be abused, then why did so many ppl abuse me? I feel like there is something really wrong with me now that no one is abusing me at the present time. It's all twisted in my head. I just can't get past this thinking. My T says that this is just been so brainwashed and programmed into me as a child that it's going to take a long time to change it. I really don't know if I can. I feel like such a bad person and that there is something so wrong with me. How do you change this thinking and the horrible feelings that overcome you?? I'm just so very lost and confused.
Monty

((((safe hugs)))) The process for reversing the effects of "brainwashing" is pretty much the same. You need to trust your T explictly. If you have this deep inside, even when sometimes you begin to wonder, you will have it to fall back on. There will be times that the T might totally confuse you, or anger you... I'm assuming your T is trained in helping you this way... and will have to "pull" some phrases on you to knock you out of your tracked thinking... The T will have to be very consistent in who HE is. He will have to set and keep boundaries that you know you can run full force into ,and they don't move! Safety is key. Then, you need to KNOW that change is possible. You will probably come to learn that everything you think, say ,and do stems from the way you were taught (either overtly or covertly.) There will be times you feel like such a non person because you "can't" think, say , or do anything that is right... but it isn't true, ok? cognitive behavioral therapies work at changing our thinking... and it might seem that they use the same tactics to brainwash you the way the T wants... don't fall into that thinking... YOU will be doing the changing, this time.

(((((((safe hugs)))))))

Keep yourself safe, and listen to T. I have faith in you!

(((((((((safe hugs)))))))))
it sounds like you have been thru h*** and back. i am so sorry for all your pain. you're value isn't based on how abused you have been or not being abused now. it will take time to untangle everything. i'm sure it feels very confusing and scary to you. you can change. it will take time, but you will see changes. journal this journey so when you feel like nothing good is happening you can go back and see the progress you have made.
white iris

I will tell you what my T told me which is starting to sink in. Predators know who to choose. They know the signs like weaknesses that is how we tend to be abused time and time agin. We know no other way too because that has been our life. Please know that you are not alone. You are not to blame telling me's too. We are none of us to blame. Predators are out there and they know what to look for some how.

There are many things we do because it seems normal to us. Learning that not everyone sees things the same way. Please be kind to your self.

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. Predators know who to choose. They know the signs like weaknesses that is how we tend to be abused time and time agin.

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Yes! I have been a believer of this for a long time.

People have a tendency to blame themselves...but.

There are predators amongst us.

Just like wolves in the wild.

Run rabbits, run.

Stay safe,

Petunia

(((((((((((((((monty)))))))))))))))) just know you're loved. sometimes looking at the basic, uncomplicated is what we need to do. i'm doing the same. know you're loved and cling to and feel that.

love you,

kd

i think kd said it best and in simplicity she illustrates her abswer,
and don't forget to play. even play with your identities. make beleive you are what you will be alltogether.
because you WILL be all together in one mind and lovingly. Its just hard.
( its what im telling my self too and trying to hold onto- please we should all hold on)

TY for the safe hugs Sky
I have a really great T who's shown he really cares and is there for me. One of the things I remember from thursday night is him saying loudly several times. ( loudly I guess to break thru the fog I'm in ) That I was not put on this earth for other peoples pleasure or for them to just hurt me and that he believed that even when I don't. He said this loudly more then once. Just wish I could believe it too.
Most of the time I don't feel like I'm a person, but this object. Or at times a robot, going through my day and working, but not a person. I have feelings inside. But I don't know how to show them. I'm just flat and not there. An object.

TY cat_eye and white_iris for the encouragement and safe hugs.
I'm just really scared. Is like everything that I've never dealt with is come up to the surface and is forcing me to deal with it.
white_iris, I have actually just gotten a new journal. My mother gave it to me of all people. For the last several years I've been unable to keep a journal, just been to hard to put words to things. But I'm a big believer in signs and having a new journal at this time I think is a sign I need to write things down.

TY skylrks for your words. They have made me stop and think about things this morning ( in a good way ).

Petunia, I don't know if I'm really blaming myself. Kind of feel like it's what I was trained to be and do. Almost like an identity. But then again I blame myself for believing that's who I am. Confusion central !!

On a lighter note. With 4 cats in the house it's more like Run Kitty, Run

If I could be one of my cats I wouldn't have any problems except when ppl sleep in and are late with feeding me.

((((((((((((((((((((( KD )))))))))))))))))))))))))
I Love Ya, you know you are a special person.
Monty

kathyanita, I've got my fingernails dug into that cliff wall and holding on tight.
I got an end of the year bonus at work this week and have some extra money. My hubby wants to go shopping so I think I will tell him we need to go by the toy store and see want we can find.

((((((((((((monty))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I understand your feelings completely. I'm glad you have such a caring t to help you through. I definitely think a trip to the toy store would help.