[kimmydawn]

i miss my dad today. it's coming up the two month anniversary of his death and i really miss him. i hate missing him because i get all mixed up and feel guilty and everything else cause someone inside starts saying awful things. it's hard. i can't even grieve like a person should/could. can't i just miss someone for a little while? can't i enjoy the fact that i had a few things about him to miss? i just wish i could think or feel something on my own for just a little bit...

i would like to cry for him and not have someone else get scared and upset cause i'm crying. i would like to cry and miss my dad for just a little while and it be ok.

that's asking too much though...

kd

((((((((DearKimmy))))))

I'm so sorry your dad died and that you miss him. I totally understand the mixed up feelings that aren't always your own. Is it possible to let everyone get their fair share of feelings out, whatever they need to...and maybe when all is said and done, you can finally emerge and grieve for yourself?

Today, I went to see T. It's a long drive, about an hour through the city then over the bridge to St. Petersburg. A song set me off and I was crying, thinking about my brothers and how I tried so hard to save them, and how they died anyway. How can love and hate be so intertwined? I wonder if they know I still cry over them...

I have no answers, Kimmy. I wish I did. Just know I care and I'll be thinking of you.

Petunia

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((petunia))))))))))))) thank you so much. i'm sorry you cried but glad you felt free to do so.

well, about letting everyone else get feelings out. i want to be able to grieve first before anyone talks crap. it's important to me. too, it's just flat out disrespectful.

i just want to cry sometimes on my own. i just want to feel my feelings and know my own thoughts and that's all...just for a little while. i've had complete silence...that's miserable. however, i would like to have my time as just mine sometimes. there's very few things that's just my own, ya know?

thanks so much for listening.

kd

Wow. Silence...I truly don't know what that is. I think I would be petrified of it. That must be...lonely? I know, lonely outside and lonely inside are completely different.

I wish you many tears...not for the sadness they represent, but for the cleansing and healing they bring.

You have no idea how much I wish I could help you.

I do cry now. For years and years I never shed a tear. It was like my badge of courage. Look at me. Look at how tough-brave-strong I am.

But now if I am sad I will cry.

I have trouble with anger. It's hard for me to be mad at the dead and worse to be mad at the living. My anger turns into all my emotions...so I may get scared if I get angry, etc.

I have no trouble with laughter...it has saved my life. My husband and I laugh all the time. We are a sitcom waiting to happen.

Feeling love...incoming...is difficult for me. I feel love for others...I just have trouble letting it in.

I "intellectually" know people love me. I know in my head...not my heart.

That's why feeling nurtured by you yesterday was so surreal for me. I walked around thinking...hey, I think I felt that.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((petunia))))))))))))) we are too alike!

anger is very scary for me as well. it's hard for me to cry, but when i do, i cry hard and long.

i'm the same with love as well.

i've been alone twice that i know of...for just a couple of days...but there's not explaining it. lonely isn't the word. there's no word to explain this type of lonely. my biggest fear...it would stay that way. i didn't know how i'd cope. it was a shock.

i wish us both some healing and some peace tonite

thank you for being here,

kd

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

(((( Kimmy ))))) I am so sorry for your loss and pain and how it's hard to feel the pain as you would like and need to..It can be frustrating when you have things in your head saying so many different things....You are allowed to feel both love, anger and loss at the same time. Its hard but you can.

Do you maybe feel abandoned???

Petunia note the purple face is for you.....HUGS TO YOU BOTH...I am sorry you feel bad but so glad you met one another you have a good friendship in here I see

[kimmydawn]

ty (((((((((sleeps))))))))))

i waited my whole life on my daddy. i just got him and he died.

((((((((kimmy)))))))))

This just breaks my heart.

I wish I could be there with you right now. I'd let you cry all the tears you wanted too. Just you...no one else.

Afterall, he was your daddy most of all, Kimberly Dawn's daddy and you have a right to feel that grief. It's yours.

I would even wipe away your tears with my petals. Petunias don't mind the water.

[kimmydawn]

thank you (((((((((((petunia))))))))))))

he lived through fighting wars, he was invincible we thought. we thought we had time to wait for him to do better. we didn't.

i'm getting his medals replaced by the marine corps. he had 4 from viet nam alone, plus two purple hearts and many, many badges. i thought they were all gone. i was going thru a box that i'd gone thru about ten time looking at stuff and guess what? i found one of his purple hearts! it's battered and bruised but it's his. i just waited for him so long and now i'm gonna be waiting forever. i'm so sad tonite.

his eyes...they danced. they literally danced.

i'm sorry. i need to stop.

thank you for being here.

kd

[kimmydawn]

i achieved! i'm crying pretty hard now. no one's giving me a hard time or scared or mad. it's just me...crying.

how nice this is. thank you for talking with me.

kd

Daddy's are important.

You cry all you need to.

I miss mine too.

I'm here to listen. Anytime.

[kimmydawn]

thank you.

[misty]

((((((((((((Kimmy))))))))))))) Don't know how your communication is with your others. Maybe your T can help. You don't have to feel guilty for the way you feel just as they don't have to either. Our T has helped us with that. It is weird cuz he's had to be a mediator to help us be able to stop talk and listen actually listen to each other. In turn we were able to allow each others times to say feel what ever and be ok with it.
Don't know if I explained it right but it is possible that both of you or how ever many are in conflict can allow each other the time needed without interuptions.
lrks

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((kimmy))))))))))))))))))

Safe bearhugs,
Fuzzy

[kimmydawn]

thank you so much ((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))

kd

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((( Kimmy )))))))))))))))))

I am sorry you're missing your dad. Perhaps you could look up some of his old things, maybe that would help with the grief? And maybe think of the happy memories you have of him and concentrate on those...

((((((((((((((((( Kimmy ))))))))))))))))))) the feeling of loss is one of the worst emotions around, but you'll get through.

[kimmydawn]

thank you (((((((((((((silver)))))))))))))) last nite, i just kept looking at his eyes in my memories. it was beautiful and sad and wonderful. i've never seen eyes with so much life, spirit, amusement.

ty again,

kd

(((((((((((((((Kimmy)))))))))))))
w_i