Under water, sinking fast
Just how long will this pain last?
It's been forever it won't stop
I know that soon my head will pop.
So many rules all new to me
They say they're for THEIR sanity
What about ME???

Just let me take a pill or two
Or puke or hurt any will do.
I try to think of pretty things
Like flowers or butterfly wings
It doesn't help
The black comes back
And RED and SMACK

It always hurt, I never cry
I never yell or scream 'cause I
am the one who holds the pain
So you can get up and live again.

Vicki

[shadowdancer]

(((((((((((Vicki))))))))))))

it's hard to hold all of that pain, isn't it? sometimes when i'm trying not to si but i want to really badly, i draw in red on myself with red paint or markers...so it sort of looks like i did. sometimes that makes things easier. stay safe, Vicki. you are very strong to deal with your pain so bravely, so hang in there. if you need anything or want to talk, feel free to PM me. "pain that's shared is pain that's halved so share your pain with me"

-shadow

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((vicki))))))))))))))) also holding an ice cube helps i've heard. it creates a type of pain but no harm...that and snapping a rubber band on skin.

i know you're going thru alot. the body needs to stay safe.

hang in there.

kd

((( Vicki )))

Can you write some more about it?

I like reading what you have to say.

It's important.

Petunia

Only a part--not really a whole
Never get touched
Never get told
I love you

Tell me don't harm
Say you're concerned
But nothing is warm
I'm very cold

If maybe you see
The need for a touch
I won't have to be
In a dark place

All touches we bad
When the body grew up
My part is too sad
To continue.

Vicki

I'm so glad you are writing, Vicki.

You words matter and are important.

I am sorry, though that you are sad.

Take care,

Petunia

[shadowdancer]

i'm sorry that you're so sad Vicki.

((((((((((((Vicki))))))))))))

and just so you know, i am concerned. and i'm sending you warm thoughts to ease the cold. stay safe and keep writing. your words are a powerful message.

-shadow

My T is concerned, my person is concerned, the husband is concerned...I don't mean to worry or concern any one. I just don't want to be in this much confusion. I took all the pain for alot of years. I stayed inside for alot of time. Then T started asking questions. She woke me up. She started me talking. She made it all start over again. Now I feel like I am back to where I was before I went inside to stay for awhile. Now I seem to come out more than I want to. Why is this all happening?? T says it's progress and it is good. I feel so cold inside, numb and tired. I just can't keep going. Can I be dead???
Vicki

Stay safe
Do no harm
Keep talking about it.
I did
I did
I did.

Now I think there's no more
to say.
But the thoughts won't go away
They keep swirling.
Around and around and around
Til I'm dizzy.

The person can't have them
She's not really able to deal.
Do I have to continue to hold them
Or can I just yield to the cold and darkness
I feel.

There are feelings inside that wish to stay hidden
The anger
The hurting
I can't let their bidding
Let them awaken.

I want it dark and cold and empty
The feelings will not be pretty
Perhaps like being ripped open
And everything exposed.
Can't let that happen
NO
NO
NO

Not while alone.
Not without someone to hold me
Not without someone to save me
I'll be eaten up
Destroyed
Swallowed alive

Red demons all around me
Hisssing, Screaming
Fangs with blood dripping
Claws wide open to
Rip me apart.

I am dead now anyway...

Vicki

[BlueFaith]

((((Vicki)))))

(((((( Vicki )))))))

You are not dead.

The dead can't feel hon, and that's what you are doing.

And it sucks.
And it hurts.
And it is scary and lonely and dark.

But we are here for you.

We'll try to keep you safe and warm and give you light.

Petunia

How can you keep me safe?? How can you stop the demons and the monsters that want me?? You're away when I'm here. I'm not here when you are. If I let those demons and monsters out then I will be dead. I used to wish that the mother or the father would just once hit hard enough that I would die and it would be over. it almost happened once. If I had let the uncle do what he wanted then he wouldn't have kept trying when ever I saw him. If I had let him do it then maybe he would've made sure I died.

Give me a blanket
cover me tight
hold me and keep me warm
it's a dark cold lonely night.

Stand watch so I can sleep
make sure they don't come
to get me this time
because I'm all done

I hear them
I feel their breath
I curl up and close my eyes
and wait for death.

I'm sorry.

Petunia

[shadowdancer]

((((((((((((((((((Vicki)))))))))))))))))))))

of course everyone is concerned. not b/c you're deliberately trying to worry them/us but because we care about what happens to you, unlike all those horrible monsters that lurk in hiding. we don't want you dead. yes, feeling this way sucks and i'm so sorry you're hurting. but we care about you, we want you to pour out all those icky feelings and let us replace them with warmth and good things. like petunia's petals and umbrella i know you don't know me, but i know a girl very much like you...and she struggles with the same things you are struggling with. keep holding on, Vicki. you have already proven yourself brave and strong just by making it this far. i know that is of little comfort, but take what comfort it is and hold it close. PM me whenever you feel like talking, if you feel comfortable doing so. i would be honored to chat with you.

*sending warmth and good thoughts*

-shadowdancer

Our T said last night that the mad comes out the more I talk. I talk and talk but the mad is still there. The bad icky stuff is still there. T said I had post trauma stuff or something. That's why I get scared when there's yelling or loud voices or loud noises or stuff like that. W_I and H don't watch much TV cause if I hear it I get too scared. I almost was crying at T. I don't cry. Not allowed. No mad allowed either. T said it's ok to be mad and cry. How do I cry??? How do I show mad and not hurt anyone or anything??? I showed mad by hitting the little sisters. But I hurt them. I got real scared. Then I started hitting the body. I bit the body too. No one even asked why or how the marks got there. But I didn't hurt anyone else. If I let mad out, I might hurt someone. T said not to hurt the body. I don't know what to do.
Vicki

If I get all the mad out and all the icky stuff what will happen then???
Vicki

[shadowdancer]

((((((((((Vicki)))))))))))

keep talking, get all that anger and icky stuff out. pour it into words and type them here, or get a journal and write them there. i know some people who like to paint and draw and color and when they are angry they use angry colors to show it. another way to get rid of the frustration and anger is to try and exercise, maybe run or do some other type of exercise you like to burn off the energy that being angry creates. i am really impressed with your strength Vicki. it takes someone very brave and very strong to hold all that anger. if you can find a private place where no one will bother you, then you could even scream or yell...sometimes when i get really angry and frustrated i yell into my pillow. sometimes that's the only way to get it out when i can't think of the words that fit.

remember that sometimes tears come out with anger and icky stuff...that's only natural and it's perfectly okay. you should be allowed to feel sad, especially sad for yourself since you've had to carry all that anger around with you all this time. crying can get rid of some of the frustration too. when you write angry words imagine that you are pouring drop after drop of anger and hate and rage into those words and let the words take it with them, the anger is safe and can't hurt anyone when it's on the page and you will have less anger inside you to hurt you. perhaps do the same with your tears, if you cry. pour your anger into each teardrop and let it fall and wash away. you will have less anger and no one will be hurt.

one other thing and then i'll hush. don't forget that anger has protected you and w_i a lot over the years. sometimes anger can be so scary once we turn to face it that we forget how much it has helped us survive. your anger gave you strength once when you weren't big enough to be strong. what you'll have to do now is try to figure out something to help you be strong that can replace the anger...until you have something to replace it, your mind will probably still feel like you need it and it won't go away. that's why i suggested exercise...maybe even learn some self-defense exercises that will help you learn how to protect yourself and will get rid of the anger-energy at the same time. i don't know if that's an option but i thought i'd throw it out there. there was a time when you had to shield yourself with your anger for protection. that time has past so you just need to find new shields, Vicki. Don't let the anger scare you...it belongs to you, you do NOT belong to it.

once you've been able to get the anger and the icky stuff out some, you can come here and read how all these people care about you and you can replace the bad stuff with good things. things like how we all care about what happens to you, you are brave, you are strong, and you can get through this. replace your anger with things you like and good things about yourself and the people you trust. keep writing Vicki, PM me if you feel like it, even if you just need a place to write those angry words.

sorry to talk so long. (((((((Vicki)))))))

-shadow