[darkpurplesecrets]

Tonight sitting here silent once again, the mind almost shutting down from any words that could be spoken does it really matter or is this just kidding ourselves? Sometimes it feel as though there is no hope trying to hide feelings and emotions from even herself. How can someone recover from things too unspeakable? How can someone be strong even in the face of terror and silence that no one ever knew bout? How can such evil exist but no one knows or even suspects until it is too later to even care? Why is it that when a child is raised in a place of total terror and evil that the adult that becomes from that child somehow needs to be strong and in that strength hides because that is all they have ever known to do?

Sometimes tears fall out of nowhere when no one is around and it is only then one can allow those tears to be shed so no one else can see. The threats are still alive and speak volumes that no one will ever know. To reach out is harder than anyone knows, for to all within the threats begin to scream once again at a volume that not even one that is closest can hear. Words many times are spoken in the silence when no one has any idea they are being spoken to. It is there that the secrets are told and revealed when no one is able to hear and time does not exist except in the mind of those within. The adult is not even there mostly, as the adult cannot take what all within are telling, at least not all.

Sometimes breathing becomes fast as the memories are spoken and it seems as though once again time is no longer where she is, but back to the time where the evil took place. And those within know what is going to take place even though the adult does not. Many times those within are too afraid to allow anyone to really see what is going on as the threats scream louder than anyone who tells them that it will be okay. What happens to those within when the threats still remain alive and screaming out as clearly as when they were first made? To those outside it seems easy to refuse to believe but to those within they are real and maybe much more real than anyone knows. It is so hard for her to tell anyone when a call or someone comes to the door.

To her she feels as though she is failing if someone calls or still comes. The fear still remains no matter whether she tells or not, a fear of both failure and betrayal. Those within are trying to stay back and they are getting better but at times it is almost as if nothing stops. She is afraid to tell anyone anything anymore. Words they can reach out and allow others to know but at the same time they can also hurt and make others mad. Sometimes not saying anything seems to be the best for all. It is only words but they can do more damage than anyone knows. They sometimes cut deeper than anything and to tell anything causes harm to everyone.

Will it ever stop or will she go to her grave afraid? She hates herself more than anyone knows more than anyone needs to. Sometimes nothing makes sense at all and maybe it is supposed to be that way. Nothing ever made sense anyway so why now? A little girl lost without anyone ever knowing and time just played on without stopping for a little girl who only knew those that hurt with evil intent. Whether perfect or good she was bad, whether silent or quiet she was heard. No matter what she did it was not right or it was not something that really happened, as that is what they told her to make her doubt and question her very self. If she doubt and questions how much more does anyone outside of all within doubt and question?

Those within are still asking many times is it okay to tell because what if it did not happen what if we only really dreamed it? Things happened but those that would do it when she was little would tell her it was a bad dream that nothing happened and that they were there for her. Confusion and questions constant in ones mind of did or did it not take place? When you are little and told constantly that it was only a dream then later when you are a little older drugs used to make things seem unreal or like you are in a dream state but later as you begin to get back those memories if it did not take place why are we so afraid? Why do the body memories scream out louder than dreams and why do the marks come and disappear if nothing ever happened?

They did not want her to ever remember, this is why those within are there to step in and stop any process or moving forward. No one was ever supposed to get that close to the truth, she was not supposed to ever get to the place where she trusted anyone and no one was supposed to ever listen or believe. Truth is it did happen and those of us deep within hold those truths safe where they are known. She is not lying nor is she making anything up. We know for we are the ones that pulled everything within deep to keep her from any harm. We made sure that she made it through whatever was thrown at her and pulled back all feelings and tears to a place safe until it was time to allow those tears to fall for the first time.

Even now sometimes we are not real sure it is safe yet so we sometimes pull them back within to where once again we know they are safe and many times we hold silent her voice so that she is safe. She looks with saddened eyes filled with tears that we are holding back to keep silent those things that would hurt her. She feels so hurt and so afraid but does anyone feel this or can they detect the sadness within the silence that screams out louder than any voice could do? If allowed would you even care anyways or would you even not get angry because she cannot be like you or anyone else? She is hurting and we know it and we will keep her safe at any cost.

She worries as does many within for those that she cares for. Sometimes telling over and over to please be careful and to please lock your doors. This is not a game but real for her and all within. Does anyone really hear or get it? Does anyone care how much this effects not only those within but her? All she knows is what they are capable of and what they threaten, that is all she has known all her life. Does anything really matter? For to others it is just stupid and something that is not real. For others it is words, just words. But for all of us it is much more than words. Much more than just feelings and truths, it is what it was. Her heart many times cries out in a voice no one hears. Such silence as once a child was who was not to be heard unless spoken to.

For you, all you see is the tears that surface fall but none of the deep-bedded tears we are all crying within her. To allow those tears to fall would make her so vulnerable and one to turn away as to see the hurts and destruction in her eyes. Are you really here for the count or are you walking away? Sometimes it feels as though no one is here or caring to be. We are not like others that can somehow manage their feelings and be able to share in a conversation without thought. Each word spoken is something that is not taken lightly. Maybe we will always be weary of any person that we take a risk to reach out to. Why would we trust someone with these things that are so deep within that if you were to hear them you would turn away? That is what they always said and words speak so loud when there is life to keep.

Do you not think that we would give anything to be able to reach and to feel and to know that some are really safe? Do you not think that for the first time we would love to love someone and believe that love really exists? What makes love exists? What makes ones words understandable? Are there more meanings to words than even we know? Does love have different meanings and standards? And whom do the different standards belong to? When one says they care and walks away is that caring?

Can someone tell us what love means or what love is? And can we still trust you? We all want to know.

Echoes of dps

[pegasus]

It should be unconditional acceptance of all of you which any child deserves.

Unfortunately for many of us this was not the case and everything was conditional on what those bastards wanted. And to a child the so called care-giver must be right. The abuser was the grown up that we must respect and believe.

Realizing later on how wrong it all was, grown ups doing seriously sick things to a child so the child no longer knows what is real. Too many of us know now. And the anger stage will come to you also dps and let me tell you that it's all needed and good to allow those angry parts to have a voice. The littles need to speak loud and clear.

Love and respect to all of you ((((((((( dps )))))))))

[LivingMiracle]

Hi Echoes of DPS,

I once wrote a poem about love and it was called What is Love. It has been many years since then and I have yet to figure it out. I wish I could find that poem and share it with you. I was asking what is love, how do you get it, and do only people deserve to have it. What makes those standards if that is the case and who decides these standards? It is very close to what you are asking.

I might be one of the younger ones in our system (I'm 9-10) but I have been through many hardships and I guess I have shut myself shut to the whole concept of love. To me, it simply doesn't exist. All I feel is the anger and rage, the hatred towards society. However, if you are one of the lucky ones in the system, they would say yes! There is a such a thing as love, it does exist; even after all they have been through as well. To me this concept of still believing in love is mind boggling.

Our host once believed that she was in love, but recently I can feel her falling out of love for her so called man of her life. She noticing things that just shouldn't happen if there was a thing such as love. It is hitting her hard and she is really torn now. She hears him say that he loves us constantly, but I think now she is really starting to question this whole concept of love.

A profound thought just came into my mind. Does one first have to love themselves to see what love is? If you don't know what love is or believe in love, can you love yourself? How can a person love one's self after all?

I guess what I am trying to say that love can be taken very many ways by very many people. I don't know if there is a wrong way or a right way to perceive such thing as love. I think ones understanding and beliefs in love has to deal with your experiences in life; including loving yourself. For me, there are no loving experiences and I don't love me. For Sky, the world is raining love and she is happy with who she is. For the host, love is borderline right now and I don't think she loves herself either.

Sorry for my rambling,
Molli

[anderson]

((((DPS))))
What is love ? That is something that we are trying to find again ourselves. When we are with people that we feel safe with. What we look for now are the fallowing things:
1. acceptance that even if we can not prove the past, that they accept us and rock us as the pain of past and present abuse is dealt with.
2. that we are not heald accountable for the abuse done to us by outsiders.
3. that we are still human beings deserving the right to be loved.
4. love is the ability to look another in the eyes still seeing all of our warts and pain and still saying come here you need a hug.
5. the ability of a person to let us greive, be mad, cry like heck and not tell us get over it. it happened when let it go.
6. most of all to allow us to heal at our own pases.
Unconditional LOVE is the ability to say I love you and mean it. Knowing that darkness sit on our heart but still allowing us to find moments of joy, free of pain when someone can just sit with you to enjoy the sun.
we be here for you echoes of DPS. We hope that you and all within feel our unconditional love and acceptance.

[Miracle1986]

(((dps)))

(((dps)))

we can hear the tears you've yet to shed. we know....may we hold you safe and reach out our hands to you?
What is love??
YOU (((dps))) are love

[Lillyleaf]

(((hugs)))
What is love? there are lots of diffrent way to say it but you can never really know.
Love is what makes your heart hurt,
Love is what makes you happy,
Love is what makes you cry,
Love is what makes you want to care,
it is all the reasons to l ive mixed into one. for me is how I love the littles. and how we love the world.
Know we are here for you and can trust us.
safe hugs
Lavender

[starrina]

[lostmyway]

((((dps)))) i wish i could reach inside of you and stop the internal bleeding...i wish i had the tools to mend your broken heart....i wish i was able to hold the little lost girl that lives with the terrors of the past that remain alive and who lives in a place where time has stopped and she is trapped...i wish i could heal the ones inside that carry the deep dark secrets that and feel that they must shoulder them on their own afraid that no one on earth could possibly understand and that try to hide them from the world and the adult. i am so sorry you are in so much pain....my heart cry for you and the ones inside. thank you for sharing with us....we understand

[Crew]

((((((((((DPS)))))))))))))))))))

WOW, your Words speaks volumes....

We Love the way you use your words too!

I hope I find out someday that Love is Good

yet when I read words that are so powerful that I could have wrote them so

as we sit here, we hold your heart protectively.... keep writing and going forward...

Well spoken.... Crew

[notz]

If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking

by: Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)



If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

((((((dps)))))

[Naturefreak]

(((dps)))

[Gr3tta]

We don't know how to answer your question but we thank you for asking it because it makes us think and if it makes us sad it is okay too to try to understand love is biggest concept in world.

[Bruce.]

Why would anyone walk away? I don't get it.

Sometimes people don't want to pry. They think: She'll talk when she's ready. They sit patiently waiting for a message... but it never comes. They wonder: Should I ask why? Should I remind? or should I wait quietly. If I ask, it may seem forward. Who am I to be prodding any way? These children of the forest are timid with good reason. Whether past or present, they live life on a razors edge... I know these feelings she writes of, I know the vulnerabilities of a victim. I know how the simplest sound or suggestion can turn a fragile heart into a raging nightmare... So they pause and they wonder... and they sit and they stew... and say nothing.... they just wait.
Sometimes the silence on either side of a conversation might be misinterpreted as a turning away, when it's really more a fear of causing upset... and not being close enough to know first hand... It's so easy in real life, words are written in a glance. The words on a page, while written with care are open to interpretation. Sometimes going back and rereading someone might realize: That's not what I meant to say, or that's not the way I meant to say it.
The motive in waiting in silence is to not alienate a friend, but in fact, it always does.

Love is a feeling... Love is the warmth that you feel for a friend.
Love is that little candle that burns within.

To someone who says they care and then walks away, the word has lost its meaning or maybe never had. Care doesn't turn itself on and turn itself off. It's a way of life, a way of being... care is an extension of love. Love would never turn away from the story in her eyes. Those who said, used words to promote their own agenda,,,, me thinks.

In order to trust others, one must first learn to trust themselves.... that is for each and all.

…......
…......
…......
The saddest part for me is that, had the parents had the presence of mind and taken a moment to notice, they would have realized the presence an exceptional child. Given the opportunity to flourish, how many ways would she have enriched their lives? It breaks my heart.
She doesn't seem to understand, or maybe she refuses to see just how much she means to the people here at PC and especially those who struggle to find their way right hear in this forum.

You take care of her
She's my friend

[Rhiannonsmoon]

(((((((( (((((((( ((((((((dps)))))))) )))))))) )))))))

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Love is being cared for

Love is being protected

Love is not being blamed

Love is not being cast aside as a tainted child

Love is not being a reminder of a parents inability to protect you

Love is not being hurt by the one who tells you they love you

Love...is just love...so many things to some and so few to others

[Bruce.]

He sat and he read
and he thought and he wrote.
And wondered if maybe
his words came too close

So he sat and he stewed
Then he messaged a friend
But they didn't respond
So he thought in the end

I know these words matter
I said I'd be there
To show as a friend
that I really do care

And not just to her
but to all within
Perhaps in this poem
Is a place to begin

I hope in these words
there is something to find
The structure's not great
So when reading be kind

Many Faces of Love

Love screams in silence
Love is denied
Helpless to help
while another one cries

Love is despair
falling over her face
As another steps in
and is taking her place

Love is the guilt
in the little ones eyes
As she floats safe above
the torments and lies

Love echoes in silence
hiding the woes
Protecting her heart
Denying her foes

Then love reaches in
through barbed wire spines
To little ones trapped
behind enemy lines

Love as a burden
on her conscience weighs
Love is a debt
one can never repay

Love is the pain
in the pit of her soul
A helpless empty
you cannot console

When love holds secrets
so deeply inside
though shelter of safety
it tends to divide

Love is community
nurtured in care
Problems get smaller
when problems are shared

Love is a friend
who sits as we shout
Allowing a the chance
to let a bit out

Love sits in patience
and watches you learn
Love offers itself
and seeks no return

Love hides in secrets
the dark purple kind
As you see in this poem
it's easy to find

There now before you
a short little list
That without love
could not exist

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Bruce))))

Thank you my dear friend. Tears are falling hard and words are not coming right now but I am working on a response. Thank you for your friendship, for walking here with us, for caring, for supporting, for your words. They have really touched my heart. I will respond as soon as I can stop crying as you have really touched my heart.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Bruce))))

My dear friend, tears are falling from our eyes as we read each word more than once. Love is something we are trying to find and trying to accept as it is something we are so afraid of. When love is used between bad and good and is all mixed up and distorted to a child for so long and as she grew and those within held all emotions, all feelings safe within, even into adulthood wondering if love ever really meant anything different it is hard to reach beyond that fear.

Wanting so much to believe and to reach forth but seems each time we reach we are slapped down once again to look back up from the bottom that seems endless. A little girl who always thought love was hurt and pain and that all other little girls that said they were loved were like her to find out that it was not so, that the confusing and twisted love that seemed to be present never stopped even into adulthood.

The child that grew into the adult that reaches out now and questions that fills her mind coming from somewhere within and those that hold those very emotions are real yet with the slightest hope that somehow she will find love that seems to be there but at times keeps taunting from somewhere within from somewhere unknown that seems to reach up and grab her when she is not aware. Feelings somehow start from within subtle at first stepping in before one can catch on that it is even present. Reaching from within to pull away any hope that comes causing the questions to rise once again.

Your words written came very close, very real, and very clear something that we hung onto in hopes that we would someday grasp a hold of and hold close. We are reaching and risking to try. We are trying to change those lies and understand. Words engrained and brainwashed again and again seem to hold on through something within that keeps them screaming loud almost as if to drown out any other words said. Little ones and myself scared to hope for so many times hope disappeared. Those caring and saying they love us makes one ask “Are you sent by them?” For they always said no one can love you and care but your family--setting up anyone else as part of them.

The words you wrote did matter and they were hidden deep within for safety to hold onto when everything gets black, when nothing else makes sense, when no one else is around to hear our cries and silent screams in the dark of the night. We do not question that you care we are just trying to hold onto that you and many are not of those that seem to choke out hope or maybe just block out our ability to see. Your words always touch my heart somewhere that I never knew existed. We hear you and though sometimes we cannot answer it is for safety that we silently hold tight to even the words that someday they will grow from words to something we can understand and accept.

In silence we hold
To that four letter word
In hopes that someday
It is more than just heard.

As one within cries in silence
Another screams silent that scream
And another steps forward
Hiding somewhere in-between.

The despair that is seen
Falling over her face
Seeps out through the tears
That time can’t erase.

Guilt holds a place
In a little ones eyes
The heart breaks again
From the hurt and the lies.

Echoes steps forth
With silence behind
Always protecting the heart
Also saving the mind.

The questions then asked
Open up silent doors
As they stand in the shadows
Protecting the core.

The debt that we hold
Seemed a high price to pay
Our heart could not feel
So we turned away.

The pain that is felt
Deep within our soul
Has over the years
Dug a very deep hole.

The emptiness echoes
Sometimes louder than words
But we somehow hold on
Hoping to someday be heard.

The secrets we’re holding
We’re trying to share
Through reaching and learning
To begin to break the despair.

Each time we reach forward
One word at a time
That hole we are in
We’re beginning to climb.

Though steep and jagged
One slip fall again
But those without reaching
Are helping to mend.

To fill in that hole
That swallows our heart
The hand reaching outward
Has given a start.

The friends that walk with us
Daring to care
That listen with patience
Make it easier to share.

For the first time chancing
And grasping a hold
Whispering the secrets
That have, never been told.

With each word that’s written
We take one step ahead
The darkness is breaking
With each tear we shed.

The hope we hold onto
Begins somehow to grow
Is that what is love
We all want to know.

The secrets we hide
Of the dark purple kind
Hold onto the hope
That love we will find.

To give back to those
Who walk here and care
The love that is hidden
We someday will share.

dps and all within

[Bruce.]

dps and all within

I sure do seem to make you cry a lot. It wasn't my intention. I was just trying to answer your question. Still, if you think about it: It wasn't all that long ago that you weren't able to do that, so I guess it's a good thing.
By the way, judging by the length of your posts: You are either a very fast typer or you're spending too much time sitting at your computer. If you are good to your back it will feel much better in another month or so. If not, it will take longer to heal and end up bothering you for a lot longer...... If you treat yourself better, you'll feel better about yourself.

Now..... As for your question: "Are you sent by them?". You should have put a trigger warning on that sentence. Before I knew it, my little avatar had tipped back his hat, blew the dust of his six shooter and typed a bunch of stuff..... Yikes!! After a reread the eyes of conscience said: Hold your horses, you can't post that. And so began a week of typing and editing and deleting. I told Muffy once: Sometimes I think: I think too much. Sometimes I tell people things that they're not ready to hear. I understand your sense of suspicion what with your past and all. And really, who the heck am I anyhow. I wrote a lot of stuff trying to state my position, but in the end it's all just words. I finally settled on a compromise. This the chorus of an old song by Rush. The lyrics were written by Neil, whom I spoke of before. It goes like this,

　

You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose freewill

Nobody sends me.... anywhere. Ask nicely and then I will decide whether or not to accommodate. I don't think that your family are the type of people who know how to ask nicely. Beside that, I don't think I would get along very well at all with "them". in the future, I would appreciate not being mentioned in the same sentence as "them".

For a better understanding of me. "You can come back and read this whenever the shadow of doubt falls over my avatar"
If you remember that Moody Blues song that I sent you "Watching and Waiting". The chorus reads like this.

Cos here there's lot of room for doing
The thing you've always been denied
Look and gather all you want to
There's no one here to stop you trying

To me: this is not story or fantasy, this is a state of mind. This is where I live. My perceptions are not tainted by religion... of any kind. Not to say that I don't share the same ideals as a certain guy with a mustard seed. I can't explain it to someone who doesn't understand. But I'll say this: Understanding grows if the will is there to do so. Like the mustard seed, understanding will grow to overcome all doubt. People like "them" can't exist in the world of my friends. Understanding is all around. Empathic eyes are everywhere. The eyes of my friends don't spend time avoiding the glance. They watch and they protect. It's hard to hide your problems here. Somebody always notices. Then come the words: Are you alright? Something is bothering you. I can see it in your eyes. These eyes are able to see right through the mask of deception that "them" tend to use to gain the confidence and control over the vulnerable. These people, my friends, come from diverse backgrounds, different races, ethnic and religious backgrounds, some have turned their backs on religion completely, corruption touches everyone. but there is a common thread links us all. Can't explain it. But I can see it, it shows in their eyes. These people are the "White" in the poem "Black and White".

About love.
When love is used,,,, that's not love. That's the lie that you and many others were brought up to believe as truth. How does one torture somebody they love? They don't... Can't happen.... period. Abusers are users, they take advantage of the innocent. They use their victims love as a tool to manipulate them. I've witnessed it and I've called it out. Back to "Black and White", some of that poem is based on my own personal experience. I look them right in the eyes. Darkness may consume..... but light overwhelms. To someone who can't understand that I suppose it can be quite confusing. But there's no confusing when opposites meet.
I understand that this is all very new to you. It's hard for me to fathom that. I have always been surrounded by kind caring people. When I was so scared after that robbery happened and the fallout that came after. There was always someone there for me. I could never let them in, but they always let me know that they were there.

This thing that keeps holding you down and pulling you back. I think I'd call it. Living in the shadow of doubt. It's the shadow that they veiled you with. If you doubt yourself you tend be more obedient. Make less waives.... Cold heartless empty people.

So.... Call me curious.... Call me a dreamer.... Call me what you will. I've shone my little light in some very dark places. Sometimes there's just nothing to see but empty hopelessness. So sad. Sometimes the shadows turn there backs in guilt and shame, but where there's notice, there is hope. Sometimes the light catches something shiny and a little light reflects back. Sometimes I find a sparkling treasure..... Muffy is a treasure. You told me that you didn't understand when I asked you to read that poem I wrote about her. As understanding grows you will come to realize just how much light is written into the words that she wrote. Phoenix7 is a treasure too, probably if she reads this she'll deny it and then go hide under her blankets, but her sparkle shows through. She's just having a little trouble adjusting to her new found emotions right now. There are many others here too, but don't just take my word for it....

Oh, How about this?

"The secrets we hide
Of the dark purple kind
Hold onto the hope
That love we will find.
"

That is where I choked up...it has been a while since I have had to hold back tears...love so fleeting, desired , yet disappears without ever coming...I dunno, DPS you are a gift, and your gift to us is you. Take care always

Hmm..... Seems as though somebody has been shining her little light (which she says she doesn't have ) around without even realizing it... …..Oops

Oh..... and look at that.... You almost made them cry........ holder_of _ the_dove almost became....... holder_of_ the_tissues.... ….Sweet!

Think maybe it's contagious???
Watch out... It could be the start of a tearidemic!!!

Tears are cleansing... but laughter is always the best medicine.

About this verse
To give back to those
Who walk here and care
The love that is hidden
We someday will share.

You can't give it back.... HaHa you're stuck with it.
You can share it, and you can pass it along. That's how love grows. But you can't give it back. That would be like returning a gift.... Bad form. Remember what I wrote about Kathy and the unsigned gift? The reward is in the giving. Each time you share or pass along that gift it reflects back on your inspirations as well as you. So to answer the question unasked.......Why? Each time I see you relate to and inspire someone else it makes me feel good, because I know that I had a little something to do with that. Don't look for a deeper meaning, or hidden agenda.... that's it, that's all there is. That's all there was for those who inspired me.

A little Neil story..... Hope he doesn't mind.
I made a comment to Jackie once while I was working at their house. There seemed to be an endless stream of people coming there and asking for stuff, like tickets, or memorabilia,....... money. I'm sure that some of them were there just so they could go back to their friends and say: Guess where I was.... oh ya, I'm so cool. Anyway, I was getting a little ticked off myself... as though it was any of my business. I just saw some of these people as abusive... in a very subtle way, like taking advantage. So I said to Jackie: It must be hard to deal with all of this (Neil was on the road at the time). Before I could say anything else she had turned on a dime and asked: You know the guy who'd give you the shirt off his back? That's Neil. He was giving it away before he had anything to give. If I turn anybody away, I'll be the one that hears about. Well she certainly shut my mouth in a hurry. Still not sure if it was the statement she made or the look that came with it. You see.... Neil gives freely and asks nothing in return. That's love. That's the way he lives his life.

So.... you can't give it back, however, you can feel warm thoughts and reminisce. There is an old song that plays on mind from time to time. It brings back memories of those passed and those who have simply fallen out of touch, who's hearts have lit my path through out the years.
Perhaps it can work for you too. I'm sure that there are people here that would listen to it and think of you.

　
　

Hope I haven't kept you sitting for too long.

[Nupoet64]

DPS...I am weeping inside for those within you. I feel the hopelessness, I too ahve that from time to time. I am so sorry you feel no safe place to just be. To me love is something I did not know or understand adn never felt for myself. But I have a wonderful husband now who has taught me so much about love. The "throws of passion" are not love...that is messed up, but those of us bearing the scars of trauma have been taught that that is love. I have learned over the past 14 years ( with my husband) that love is unconditional, it is a gift, it is steady, it is a committment, it is friendship, it is patient, it is kind, sometimes it is tough, but it is always there. It grows as we do, it never stays exactly as it was yesterday...it gets bigger and stronger each day. Sometimes it is quiet adn you may think it is gone, but then it shows itself and you see it was just being quiet and gentle and kind.
If we do not know what love is in the chaos that has no love, how can we love ourselves? We ahve to keep trying to learn how...we must continue to try....sometimes we must stop and rest, but as long as we keep getting up and moving forward, even if we are crawling, there is hope. And we are so we deserve love...we deserve love just because we ARE. You are kind and gentle and those within are love...they are constant, protective, aware, observant, committed, patient ( at times), tought, kind, gentle, friends....you....they ARE love.
Much love and support and many kind gentle healing hugs to you and all the facets of you....

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Bruce))))

My dear friend, I want you to know that I appreciate and somewhere love you. Your words and understanding realy touch my heart in ways you have no idea. The tears I cry (and yes, I am crying again) come from a place that you have touched that for some reason just flow when I read your words. Maybe that is because I am beginning to somehow feel them from a place safer than I have ever known.

Thank you for being a part of my life and for caring. Sometimes I do not get things as many times I never had it to be able to understand. But if anything I am starting even if it is with just a spark to grasp hold of things and hold onto them. Sometimes only for a time but sometimes I take it and hold it close to pull upon when things feel so hopeless and dark. Sometimes it is just enough light to give me that strength and hope to hold on a little longer, a little tighter.

Those within are trying to understand and with time are beginning to get somethings and many times are like myself in that at times they can get it at least for a while before it slips away. Some are in a place that they do not know where we are or how we got here or what year it even is. But we are all working together on that also. To be able to tuck away hope at times gives way for the change that we are trying to make. The change is that we used to never be able to even hear but know we can reach at times and grasp.

Many here have touched my heart and life, you are among those. Never would I try to compare you or others to those in my past but it is their words that bring those thoughts that many times I or others reveal holding hope that just maybe. In my heart I know you are not just as I also know that others are not but it is something that we are unbrainwashing and sometimes the thoughts just need to be said to get them out of our head to stop the voice that is screaming it, that is terrified of what we are coming to understand were lies.

My heart is touched my friend by the understanding and compassion and care within your words. I read and re-read so many times and hold them close just as with many others here their words keep me going and holding on when it feels I cannot hold on any longer. The fight within myself to not allow them any more power is strengthened many times by the words of those here. When we write it comes from somewhere deep within a place never heard until now. For so long fear stopped all sharing and all reaching. We never even knew it was possible or okay to allow anything out. You and others here have given me courage and strength to reach and open those dark places that were closed.

Thank you for being you and for caring. For believing in me and all within. For your understanding and for your words that touch my heart and make me think. For walking this path with me for it means more than you will ever know. Each step I take is another they do not get. I will not give up and I will fight this. Each time something comes out from deep within, as much as it hurts and as scary as it is the darkness is exposed and cannot hold its secrets any longer. To share this we no longer carry it alone where it haunts and taunts, but it allows us to see it and the lies it held. This gives hope for change and we take another step out of their hold.

I do not know if this makes any sense as today is very difficult and my mind is having trouble putting down words that seem to be there then disappear just as fast. I know what I am trying to say, I just hope you can too. Maybe that we are listening and hearing the best we can. That hope is growing and we are learning. Thank you for being our friend. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Nupoet))))

Thank you for your words and understanding. For caring and for walking here with us. We are trying and maybe together we can give one another that strength and hope. Words come from deep within a place never heard but that are sometimes trickling out other times flowing non-stop and yet at others times stop abruptly with no warning. The more we share the less they can hold us captive.

I appreciate you and what you said. Thank you. I truly feel blessed as I walk here for I do not feel so alone and somehow beginning to feel understanding and grasping ahold of hope even if it is a little it is hope none the less. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Crew]

((((((((dps))))))))))))

To us Love becomes the word velo for years since Love hurt so bad and so by saying velo we have come to accept the word "Love" yet it will always be velo.

Here is a poem we wrote about Love to us.

Love is easy but also the most difficult thing to find.
Love is pure & honest but can also allow room for the greatest deceit.
Love can give life or take it away.
Love takes one to the heights but can also plummet one to the depths.
Love can fill space completely or be impossible to find in the vast realm.
The openness, honesty, and forgiveness of the seeker makes all the difference in the world.

velo, Crew

(((dps)))

Every time I think I grasp the meaning of love, the idea of it slips away so quickly. I doubt I will ever grasp it.