[Jewels]

we are so tired of life...there seems to be no end to the stuff that is being thrown at us from some unknown area--we can't tell where--and it is driving us down more and more. we are unable to be safe wherever we go, and need to rejuvenate our strengths...

life is a grind right now, something that we don't think we can stand, but know we must, because we can't let them think they have won should we wind up in a psych ward somewhere. for us, those places are not for us, even though the best one in the state is here and we attended our partial there. we miss seeing comp every day, and hope she is doing better. something that keeps playing in our mind over and over is a scene in Girl Interrupted that the new girl on the ward had to learn is to not drop her anchor in the ward. we know what that means, and during the movie we relived some of the awful things that went on when we were in there when we were a teen. it wasn't fun then, and it isn't fun now thinking about it.

life is a heartache as well, because we broke our heart in there too often and it is difficult even to talk about. we know that we shouldn't base all our hope for success in the ones who run the hospital, or even in our T. we KNOW that we need to figure out how to be self-sufficient, even though we don't know how to do that yet. and we know we must find our way in the world if we are to know how to survive. but we don't know HOW to do that, and our soul cries with no respite. we do not have outside tears, but inside we weep as if there were no tomorrow. huge tears of pain roll down the walls of our heart, and leave us gasping for breath because of the immensity of pain it causes us.

is there truly no one who understands the pain we know? or is it more that there are many who do understand, yet do not know how to express their pain, or who cannot dare to dream that things could get better? this is not a witchhunt, neither is it a banging against hearts to see if they are within, but it does touch peoples' insides, regardless of whether they want to admit it or not. there is a need inside of us that wants to reach out, but something keeps us from doing so to others. whether it is fear, or pain and suffering, we do not know. we just know that within is pain and suffering and fear and trembling. inside us it lurks around, trying to hypnotize and paralyze us before we can even think about freedom.

we are definitely heading toward something HUGE. we do not know or understand what it is, whether it be good or bad, we just know it is something that defies description. we are waiting to see just what it is, but we are afraid as well, since we know we cannot stand up to it right away. we will need help, especially from our T and case manager, to travel the unforeseen. and we will need you. immensely important are you to our travels. because you have helped us so much in the past. we hope you will help us again. we so much want to be in a position to help you too. because we think that in order to get better, we must use everyone's advice, counsel and affirmations. which you have given to us. we thank you for all your patience and help and hope you have given us. we just hope that we are not a burden to anyone.

[anderson]

(((((Jewels))))
Just know that we are here for you and please be gentle with those with in the bigger the discover the harder it is on everyone within.
Just know that we are here for you and Hope that safety does come back as all come to terms with what is coming to the surface.

[sabby]

((((((((((((((((((( Jewels ))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry that things are so chaotic in your world right now. I'll bet it's a scary feeling and hard to know which way to turn at times.

Do you have a "positives" journal? I used to do this for myself when I was in the process of changing myself and my life. I used to write down each day, the positives in my life and about myself. It's a great habit to get into and it helps on the days when you are feeling less than positive, to go and read what you have written. Especially when there are things happening either inside or out to take away the positive things that you truly know.

It can help too, to find some balance when dealing with difficult memories or feelings. In order to accept the negative feelings, one must balance it with positives so you don't end up sinking and finding difficulties in crawling out.

The absolute best thing you can do is your grounding work and staying in the present as much as you can. I know, easier said than done isn't it. Try to come up with differences from the past to how things are now. Different levels of safety? Good help from T and team? Friends you didn't have back then but have now? Life experiences that helped you learn from the past to the present? All of these things can help to keep you grounded a bit more so that the scary stuff isn't so hard to deal with.

I wish you well dear one.....you are always in my thoughts and prayers!


sabby

(((((((((((((((((jewels))))))))))))))))))))))0

[Jewels]

(((((anderson)))))

thank you for all your support...it is really appreciated! You seem to know the exact thing to say to calm us...you are a very special person to us and we adore you for that...

love,
abbi

(((((TD)))))

thank you for taking time to read hon...and thank you for the hugs...they are just what we needed...

[Jewels]

_sabby_,

thank you for your post. i haven't ever heard of a positives journal, so thank you for that suggestion. i will begin one tomorrow, since it is Sunday...the first day of the week...i'm so glad you are able to speak into our life...you have no idea how much we are grateful for your kind words and suggestions...

we love you very much and thank you for your friendship...

abbi

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( all of Jewels )))))))))))))))

love,
Fuzzy

[Jewels]

((((((((((furrypaws))))))))))

so good to hear from you, and thank you for the hugs...we need every single one of them...

[Rhiannonsmoon]

(((( (((( (((( ((((Jewels)))) )))) )))) ))))

Hoping that you all pull together to support each other, that one shows love to the other and adds to core peace. Ask each one to say something positive and supportive to the others.

I've started doing this because I couldn't stand the chaos of arguments in my head any longer. For the moment the argument has ended.

You are so loved here Jewels, so appreciated and respected. You help others so lovingly and with such consideration. I really hope that we can show you as much support,

with love and hugs,

Rhiannon

[Jewels]

(((((((((( Rhiannonsmoon ))))))))))

thank you for your support and caring, and thank you too for your affirmations in how I treat people here. I try to treat people as I would like to be treated, and try not to argue on anyone's post as it looks like I would be attacking someone else which doesn't help the original person at all. Thank you for all you do to affirm others on PC. It is appreciated.

[Eriksplus]

(((((((((((((((Jewles))))))))))))))))))))))

(Webber)Erik and all

[Jewels]

Thank you Eriks, for your hugs. They mean a lot to me right now.

Peace.

[Crew]

Hey ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jewels)))))))))))))))))))))

If this helps which I fear it won't other than we so can relate to what you are saying.

One thing that helps me when things get HarD. We go into nature, a nature place, bring a journal and see if you can get that
Heaviness out of you......It sounds like something or someone is making there presense known or are you just tired.

For what it's worth were here.... we can be here if yo tell us when, to be able to talk about stuff takes the power away, at least it does with me.

(((((((((((((Jewels))))))))))))))))))))))) were sorry you are in emotional pain.
Were going to sit beside you until you tell me to ---GO!
Because we Care!
Crew

[complic8d]

((((((((((((((((((((Jewels))))))))))))))))))))

You are in my thoughts every day, even as I have not really been at PC lately. I was so glad for the RL hugs. I'm doing my own share of struggling right now, but you are always "here" with me, and I am "there" with you too, understanding and supporting.

Take care, love you,

complic8d

(((Jewels)))

We're so sorry there is turmoil. We can sit with you if you want...and hold your hand. You are loved and cared about.

[Jewels]

((((((((((Crew)))))))))))

thank you for that suggestion...we will definitely try that...we journal a lot, so going to a place in nature and journaling is something we think would be a positive place for us to be...and I will pm you when I'm available to talk...today isn't such a good day as our daughter and us are going to be doing laundry...a LOT of laundry...but we will pm you...

((((((((((comp))))))))))

yes, I agree, RL hugs are nice, especially when your going through a rough spot and need human hugs...cyber hugs are always there, but the real thing is much better...and yes, you are here with me and I am there for you...always...don't forget that, and don't forget you get too down you can always call...i'm up til 1 or 2 sometimes, don't worry bout calling though, I will always answer the phone...

((((((((((calista)))))))))))

thank you for sitting here with me...i haven't felt like a whole person for quite a while, and yet i can't go inpatitent because of having Myriam...and i should be happy because we are about two months away from getting some foster kids...we are really excited about that...our drs told them we are really stable right now, which we are, and now is the time we can really work with girls...we asked for girls from 0-8 years of age, although we are hoping for a young girl at first...maybe 3 or 4, but whatever is decided is ok for us...Myriam's room can handle 3 girls easily, so we are looking for bunk beds...going online to see if there are any that are priced low enough for us to buy...anyway...we are so glad you are sitting with us, and we hope to be feeling better soon...with all the love and support things should be looking up soon...

[Jewels]

Life continues to go on, regardless the pain it inflicts. Not knowing where to go. I come here, as if to just rid myself of all that I am sensing from within to somehow be able to, after all is said and done, to sleep, which means nightmares and flashbacks all too real these days.

I am caught running away, again, and brought back to a home that was more prison than home, less love and more controlling than compassion. Silent cries stream down the walls of my heart again, as time and time again pain inflicts itself upon my already tender body. But the pain is on the inside, and I cannot understand how my body can take blow after blow and still remain in upright, though in shattered ruin. Seemingly impossible odds that life has ended for me cross my mind. There is no path to get out of the way of the pain. It follows my every movement, and I am tossed to and fro, trying to get away from it. We do a delicate dance, but it seems to always twist the dance to the pain it wants to inflict. Far from over, it skirts around me time and again, waiting for my guard to drop down so it can wound the inside of my heart again. I do not understand how the wounds reach deep within, yet at some point I DO understand the depth of pain. Afraid to move, but more afraid to not to, I try to run again, away from those that say they love me yet inflict pain upon the tender open wounds of the heart.

Within someone cries, giant gulping cries that tear at the heart in a different way. Wanting to hold the child that is crying, we search but cannot seem to find from which direction the crying is coming from. Elusively it cries with the voice of a small child, and we wonder why this child is crying at all...not knowing it comes from the one who holds the pain that all the littles know but none can tell, for it is a secret pain...a pain for all those who cannot, or are afraid to, face the pain itself and be rid of it once and for all...

what is happening is not new, nor is it controllable...it comes and goes whenever it pleases, to wreak havoc and leaves us bruised and breathless. getting the desired result, it laughingly disappears while we are waiting for the next shoe to fall. We do not know it had come and gone like a sudden downpour.

Can't you hear the pain I am telling you about? Can you not hear the tears falling on my heart? Can you not feel how fearful I have become? Can you not see it in my eyes? What must I do to let you know I am afraid, and seeking the only thing that can truly help us? Can you not accept me for who I am, and for what I cannot be right now?

[Crew]

Originally Posted by Jewels

Life continues to go on, regardless the pain it inflicts. Not knowing where to go. I come here, as if to just rid myself of all that I am sensing from within to somehow be able to, after all is said and done, to sleep, which means nightmares and flashbacks all too real these days.

I am caught running away, again, and brought back to a home that was more prison than home, less love and more controlling than compassion. Silent cries stream down the walls of my heart again, as time and time again pain inflicts itself upon my already tender body. But the pain is on the inside, and I cannot understand how my body can take blow after blow and still remain in upright, though in shattered ruin. Seemingly impossible odds that life has ended for me cross my mind. There is no path to get out of the way of the pain. It follows my every movement, and I am tossed to and fro, trying to get away from it. We do a delicate dance, but it seems to always twist the dance to the pain it wants to inflict. Far from over, it skirts around me time and again, waiting for my guard to drop down so it can wound the inside of my heart again. I do not understand how the wounds reach deep within, yet at some point I DO understand the depth of pain. Afraid to move, but more afraid to not to, I try to run again, away from those that say they love me yet inflict pain upon the tender open wounds of the heart.

Within someone cries, giant gulping cries that tear at the heart in a different way. Wanting to hold the child that is crying, we search but cannot seem to find from which direction the crying is coming from. Elusively it cries with the voice of a small child, and we wonder why this child is crying at all...not knowing it comes from the one who holds the pain that all the littles know but none can tell, for it is a secret pain...a pain for all those who cannot, or are afraid to, face the pain itself and be rid of it once and for all...

what is happening is not new, nor is it controllable...it comes and goes whenever it pleases, to wreak havoc and leaves us bruised and breathless. getting the desired result, it laughingly disappears while we are waiting for the next shoe to fall. We do not know it had come and gone like a sudden downpour.

Can't you hear the pain I am telling you about? Can you not hear the tears falling on my heart? Can you not feel how fearful I have become? Can you not see it in my eyes? What must I do to let you know I am afraid, and seeking the only thing that can truly help us? Can you not accept me for who I am, and for what I cannot be right now?

I don't know ((((((((((((((((Jewels)))))))))))))) yet what I do hear you saying we think is that! You are worth everything life has to offer that is good and no, i'm not playing!
Crew

[Jewels]

looking out my window, I see petunias on my deck, beautiful ones that are in full bloom now. but i do not feel beautiful at all, nor do I even see myself as being in full bloom.

Perhaps I am just a bud, but I don't even feel that out there...more like a thought that is looming as a bud in progress. I do not know whether or not i am a good bud or a bad bud. I feel hard, calloused, and out of sorts.

I am not myself, but a conglomeration of people, all wanting to talk, all afraid to talk, all wishing we were not here...all tears are gone, disappeared...we do not know where they have gone, but we are not ready to cry anyway...we feel dead, as if someone had already committed some kind of sui...we know we are NOT dead, we just feel that way...

the problems we have right now have to do with us and the emotional pain from being in the state hospital...a very difficult pain, one that has been sitting within for a very long time and which is now burning a hole in the midst of us...very sensitive to the pain, we writhe in the midst of it, overwhelming our senses and causing us to spring inside in horror...we hurry the littles into the playroom and shut the door, and then hurry down the stairs to close the door at the bottom of the stairs...with both doors closed we are keeping the littles as safely as we are able to...the tweens and teens and adults are put on high alert, and the protectors restructure the walls wrapping the walled off ones with more insulation and walls so we are unable to hear their anger and frustration...all the other protectors are at the doors to the outside...allowing only those who are stable enough to be out, and pulling them in when they sense any danger at all...and all the littles are safe and sound, happily playing in the playroom, Beth and her attendants helping in whatever way they can...

so we are forced to be out sporadically, and then someone else comes out for a while, and then...we dance a delicate dance around each other...we do not know each other well, so it is giving us time to get to know others inside who we have not had contact with before...we are finding out new things about others we never knew before, things which help us help them when they ask us to help...otherwise we respect their opinions...as we want others to respect ours...it is a delicate balance and we are not having fun at all...

someone please hear us...please understand what is going on and how you can help...please...help...

[Eriksplus]

We're sorry you're in so much pain. We know exactly how you feel and agree that RL hugs are better, bt hope you'll accept these virtual ones.

(Webber)Erik

[Jewels]

Ty Erik...yes, virtual hugs are accepted here!!! Thank you for your support...it is well appreciated.

[Miracle1986]

(((Jewels)))
I hope things calm down for you soon.

[Jewels]

thank you manda...you are very kind...we appreciate your concern and hope for us...

abbi

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((jewels))))

I have read your words and re-read your words trying to find words to say back that would comfort and let you know that you are not alone. My heart cries with your heart and my tears falls with your tears as I feel your pain and hear your cries deep within myself. Maybe even deeper than I know myself.

The feelings you have are valid and they make sense. The feelings of someone there but not knowing of where they are or exactly what they hold resinates somewhere deep within my own being. That cry that does not stop and the one you know needs something, the one that is crying out somewhere in a darkness of pain that no one has ever heard or known.

Please know that she is safe right now and her cries are the beginning of letting you know she is there. When the time is right you will know both where she is and what she is telling you. Her tears have been safe for all these years and will continue to be safe until you are ready to hear and accept what she is holding.

I know for us the emotions and feelings have been held safely back in a place that I never knew existed until now. But the truth is that makes sense as it was not safe to feel or even have emotions and they were pulled inside safe until I was ready. As hard as it is there was and is a reason for why I have not received them yet and I think that for many that is how it is.

I hear your hurt and your pain through your words and I feel the fear that screams right next to it. Truth is hon, that pain, hurt, and fear have a reason and have a place. Trust your system who has kept you safe all these years to continue to protect you until the time comes for you to receive what is hidden. The silent cries that fall down your heart do not go unheard. We hear you and we care.

The shattered ruins you speak of on the inside are not alone. The pain that screams out within and pounds over and over internally and leaves no path to get out of is slowly getting out as you and the others listen and come together to allow that pain to be heard. It is coming out as it needs to slowly for if it came out too fast you might not be able to withstand all the pain.

Trust your self and your system. I know for us my system has always been there to step in and take what I could not take and they are still protecting me and giving to me what I can and am ready to handle right now. It took time to get to where we are and it will take time to get where we we want to be. And you deserve to allow yourself that time. You will get there one step, one minute (sometimes one second), one day at a time.

I hear the fear of moving but the fear of not moving screams sometimes even louder. If we stand still we are engulfed but if we take a risk to move we give ourself the chance to step out and though the risks are great the idea of not risking leaves us hopelessly right where we are. You all deserve to move and to find relief and hope and to reach and receive all the love and acceptance possible.

I see the beauty each day you step out and reach out to share a piece of yourself, to risk reaching and looking inside, to feel that pain and hurt that runs so deep, to accept yourself for the wonderful person you are. The bud that is beginning to process needs to be watered and taken care of, to be fed and listened to, to be looked after and tended to and she will grow into a beautiful flower.

Each of us starts out as that bud that has been often times left to choke beneath the weeds and darkness. But with time and care we can clear away those weeds and begin to allow the light to shine it's warmth upon us. We can then begin to receive that water and the roots can begin to grow deep allowing that beautiful flower to blossom and grow. One that will be in full bloom in time with the right care. You will blossom my friend and see the beauty that we see.

I do hear you about all wanting to talk, to be heard, yet afraid at the same time. To need yet not to need. To want to be yet not want to be. Not knowing one another well or at all. Stepping lightly trying to learn of others. In time you will. To respect one another and to be respected. I know it is no fun but it will be worth it as you work to come together for the whole. You are not alone my friend for I hear and understand what you are saying. Having those within that are willing to help out and take those littles into the play room where they are safe and feel comfort.

We do hear you and we understand. The pain is real and the feelings are real. We are reaching out in understanding and support. You do not have to walk this path alone. I know it feels alone and it feels as though no one is listening but we are and we understand. I care. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Jewels]

(((((((((( dps ))))))))))

thank you my friend for your words of comfort and wisdom. they touched my heart and we are once again feeling as though there is someone who cares, who listens, who gets what we are saying.

thank you for the things you said, for us not being alone and for being able to connect with us. " I know for us the emotions and feelings have been held safely back in a place that I never knew existed until now. But the truth is that makes sense as it was not safe to feel or even have emotions and they were pulled inside safe until I was ready. As hard as it is there was and is a reason for why I have not received them yet and I think that for many that is how it is." We do not know the reason for us right now either. Thank you for validating our experiences.

Thank you for being a friend and an individual who can speak into my life. I value our friendship and I am still awed that you could ever want to be friends with me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Forever and always.

Jewels