Who am I????

I am a survivor of severe childhood sexual, emotional, physical abuse. I have been diagnosed w/PTSD, DID and a multitude of anxiety disorders. I no longer take medication and have a T that I only see if I have a crisis. I go to work every day and consider myself to be high-functioning. Here is the problem, I feel like the person that works everyday is NOT ME, I feel like the person who "mothers" in NOT ME, I feel like the "wife" is NOT ME. I become what society expects me to be and sometimes I feel like who I really am is this angry, hurt, depressed child pretending ALL THE TIME! I always feel like I am pretending. How do I find out who I really am???

hi there sykee and welcome!

well, i think to find out who you are would require you to get back into therapy on a weekly basis for quite a while. i'm going thru the process right now. i go every week for two hours...only then did the process begin. i'm learning so much.

why is it that you came to see t only when needed? just curious.

it's good to meet you. have a good evening.

kd

Hi kd and thank you for caring enough to respond. The reason I don't see my T only in dire crisis is......if I am to be completely honest is pain and fear. The pain comes when I talk about my past and fear that I will back-slide from all the progress I think I've made. I have learned to cope by being what family/society wants/needs me to be. Unfortunatly it leaves me with a very empty feeling of wondering who my "core" person is? I can feel a person inside me that wants to be "the leader" that is a really good person that wants to come out. But everytime she peeks her head out she is knocked down by the others who are so much stronger than her and she weeps desperately hoping that one day she can be strong enough to be the leader.

Until then............

thank you for answering!

well, i need to share with you i think. i was petrified as well. i was petrified to rock the boat. i was petrified to stir the muddied waters. i was petrified that i wouldn't survive knowing. i was petrified about everything.

it has been hard. you know, i lost five months of my life, ended a marrriage and remarried another being DID. yeah, i was petrified it would happen again just by talking about things...and stirring things up.

it didn't prove true for me. in fact, i blamed insiders for making me live a life i didn't create. i found out last month that it was so SAVE MY LIFE. i couldn't believe it. i'm so glad i'm getting in deep now. i'm trusting this wonderful system more and more...respecting it.

i had/have the same fears as you, but it's been the best thing i've ever done. t helped me to realize that with my awareness, those things weren't likely to happen again because my life is SAFE now.

so, if you feel you have a safe life, i suggest you delve in and find out about the system that helped to save your life and sanity. i'm sure it's wonderous. our inside helpers deserve understanding and recognition after everything they've done for us. heck, i think they deserve medals!

it's hard. it's more than hard. i believe the "core or orginal child" here is known. she was the one that went inside and is deeper than all others and doesn't even peek at the world anymore. i don't know that she'll ever be reached. she had to go away. she didn't want to die.

i would suggest that, even though things are running pretty smoothly, you get to know why you are many. it's been the best thing i've done so far. the most beautifully painful meaningful thing that i've ever done.

be safe. gl.

kd

KD,

I couldnt have answered better if I had tried.

Sykee65, please listen to waht KD says as its been exactly my experience to.

Look after yourself

Audrey

Wow! thanks for sharing your experiences with me kd. It is so nice to be able to talk to someone who can relate! I live in a "safe" world as far as abuse goes. Ufortunately, I do not have the support system at home to delve into this frightful situation yet. Your right though, I had to make the "little girl" go away. She cried too much and it scared my children and my husband. My "biological" family will have nothing to do with me because I told their "dirty little secret" and I got a restraining order against my step-father. I come from a very small town and I have ruined his family name.(like I care..bastard!) But I do miss my Mom and my sisters and brother. I don't understand how my mother could stay with a man who raped two of her children. And then she chose him over us! Unfortunately my siblings remain loyal to their mother. My youngest child is now a senior in high school, and after he graduates, I have MAJOR changes to make in my life. Just knowing that I have a support group here will make it easier to take that GIANT LEAP into the "others" world. THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!

great, sykee!

see, i was able to begin delving as well last year when my youngest reached 17. i figured it was time. i figured that if i "lost it" for a while, she could do what she needed to as i'd always taught her. the thing is, none of my fears have been realized, sykee. none of them.

i HAVE realized that i had nothing to fear. i have realized that it was mostly me "running inside" and then insiders would have to carry on. i have realized that they have saved my life more than once. i've realized that i had nothing to fear all of that time.

now, what was hard? sitting with what they had to share with me. that was hard. i'd been given information before. but when i was given information AND feeling, it was hard. when i made myself "sit with it" to let it absorb, that was more than hard.

it's hard, but so worth it. now, recently (a couple of weeks) i've had a couple of parts that were always inside, up front right here with me...sharing today. it's the strangest, coolest experience i've ever felt in my life. i even feel smarter...lol.

you can do this. i'm proud that you're willing to try.

be safe and keep talking!

kd

kd, you have given me so much hope. I am sitting at my desk at work and am fighting back tears of joy and hope. I will need to sign off for now though because there are too many feelings that I can't handle at work and people are starting to notice that I am upset. I am going to take a few deep breaths, wipe my eyes and sign on later when I get home from work. You have given me a lot of insight and for that I am thankful!