[shadowdancer]

Ok, so here goes...

What I am about to say is said out of love and concern. It is not to upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings as I think will become clear.

This particular forum has long been the kindest, safest and most supportive forum on all of PC. That is why I am proud to belong here, why I have always been so glad that I was a part of it.

Now I'm seeing something completely different and I'm going to address what we've all been dancing around for the last few weeks.

More than just fellow survivors or people sharing a dx, we were friends here on this forum. We cried, laughed, hid and played together. We supported one another and talked out our problems.

We have had a few very inflaming threads over the last week or so and it has broken my heart to see a couple very upsetting threads spill their poison onto the good kind people of this forum.

There is a huge swamp of pain right here in the middle of this forum and we have all stepped into it and dragged it into other threads, other forums and into PMs... we have taken it into our already horrific nightmares and we are all miserable because of it.

None of us want to see all the pain inside everyone else in this forum. we are too focused on being hurt and in pain ourselves. I am all for taking care of yourself...but we have to reach out to one another to solve the problems that have started here in DD. we have to reach out and NOT flare up. we have to remember that those charitable qualities are what made this forum so dearly loved and cherished. we need that again.

There have been arguments starting up all over this place. Someone posts something and another person reacts out of the pain that post inadvertently touched. We've triggered one another and jumped on the defensive from the triggering then refuse to step back and figure out how much was what was actually said and how much stemmed from past pain and trauma.

I think sometimes that what happens is that we need one another on this site so much that when something threatens the support lines that we have created the backlash is huge. We are all terrified that what we need will be taken from us here too...just the way it has been in our everyday lives. We are so scared of that needing and of losing what we need that we jump back and attack the very ones we need most.

PLEASE can we step forward and reach out once more. PLEASE can we acknowledge our pain and the pain of those around us. Can we also acknowledge our part in all that pain?

If we have problems with another member and it is one time or just a few times then try to work it out. If it's just a case of big mix-ups and misunderstandings can we offer forgiveness and a chance to start again? If it is someone who consistently upsets us can we take the steps needed to protect ourselves and put that person on ignore?

If, on the other hand, we are the ones put on ignore can we take the steps necessary to examine our behavior? Can we try to figure out if it is something we are actually doing or if it is something inside the other person that is making them react the way that they are? Can we then accept that the person has to do what they need to in order to keep themselves safe and that it is far better to be on ignore for a bit than it is for us to fight and hurt one another?

We are loving at cross-purposes you guys. We are hurting those that we care about and hurting ourselves in the process. Leaving isn't the answer. The answer is in reaching out and pushing away the pain with our love and support. The care bears did it with the care bear stare... surely we have something that is just as powerful and just as good and kind.

We need to keep reaching out to one another even if we feel like we are the ones who have been doing most of the reaching in the first place. This site and each and every one of you on here are all worth it.

I want to take the first step...and i hope that the rest of you will follow.

My name is Shadowdancer and I have been hurt and have hurt others.
I am sorry for my part in any pain that has been caused on DD and on this site as a whole.
I hope that anyone I have hurt will accept my most humble apologies and will allow us to be friends again.
Please accept my love, support and friendship and let us take steps together to be the site
that we have always been even when it is lost under pain.

Thank you for everything that has been given to me here.
I hope that I can continue to give and receive for a long time to come.

(((((((((((((((((((((((all of you)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


shadowdancer

[dragonskin]

My name is dragonskin and I have been hurt and have hurt others (though I try not to).
I am sorry for my part in any pain that has been caused on DD and on this site as a whole.
I hope that anyone I have hurt will accept my most humble apologies and will allow us to be friends again.
Please accept my love, support and friendship and let us take steps together to be the site
that we have always been even when it is lost under pain.

Thank you shadow.

love,
dragonskin

hi all,
I actually havent participated much in this forum. I'm sorry there were feelings hurt. Hopefully.. one good thing came out is the exposing of other issues. I havent' posted much because I thought or felt like maybe this was a DID-only forum. I am extremely dissociative though so sometimes i read allot of the posts. One thing that I have got from the latest discussions is that there is no official club..and that I can be included. I just thought it might be nice to hear something good that came from the debate...handled well, debate can bring up some good issues.. usually of those who are the weakest or less powerful in a group.. which is good. But we should always be kind of course

Great thread shadowdancer.

As for me I don't think anyone that was here when I started posting here can forget who I am and what my beliefs surrounding DID are.

I sent MANY people into war against me, Sent MANY scurring for cover and wouldnt be surprised if some are no longer here because of the way I started posting.

I know that my way of looking at things is unique and comes after MANY years of therapy.

The reason I posted like I did when I first came on was so that I didn't have to hide myself from others, by reading silently and not posting when I saw people that I could help, because there were going to be people not ready for what those at my level are ready for. In the real world support groups I have worked very hard to stop hiding myself from others. In a real world group be it therapy or support no one hides themselves from the group for the sake of others, and everyone is expected to be up front honest right from the beginning so when I am on line I follow those therapy/support group guidelines. I also didn't want to be on here for a while and then start posting to people and have my threads and posts be so unlike what everyone got used to from me that I ended up getting banned just for revieling where Im at in therapy, and those beliefs around DID and my therapy programs. At the time I felt it was best that people see the real me right from the beginning. At a terrific support group called HOPE (Helping Ourselves through Personal Empowerment) we had a saying - There is always going to be someone less advanced than I am and someone more advanced than I am on the healing road so the best thing is to be myself instead of keeping myself stuck for others and/or pushing myself to death to be at their level. I wanted to be myself right from the beginning.

Though I still believe posting the way I did and do now is the right thing to do because I'm not denying me anymore at the expense of others I would like to say I am sorry that my being me and my therapy programs/beliefs in regards to DID have hurt those that are not at my level of healing and therapy.

Please do put me on ignore if you are not ready for what I post. I don't pm (with exception of the moderators) unless people pm me first that way I am only in pm with those that are ready for the more details that I offer in pm then posting on the boards. Most of my information both personal and in regards to my therapy is in my blog that way only those that want to and are ready to can read about me and my therapy journey there. At times my advanced therapy information does come out on these boards in my helping others. Thats who I am. For those that are not ready for my posts I believe there is a feature that allows the person the option of not reading my public posts. please use this feature if you are not ready for the information that I post. I am not going to be offended because I am on your ignore for posts and pms. You need to do what you need to to take care of yourself and be yourself. I don't expect any more or less from anyone in real life or on line.

Thanks again shadowdancer for this wonderful thread. And I am sorry to those that I have hurt along the way.

Take care all.

[(JD)]

Thank you shadow for saying something... I have not been able to be around much due to my own dx's... but I fought hard for y'all to have this forum and have always worked to keep it extra safe for you too! I'm sorry something happened while I was gone (though I'm not sure it had anything to do with my being gone)..... I want everyone to know that most of the long-term members here also help keep this forum "safe" from harmful words and others who don't realize how it needs to be "different" Please, if anything happens like this again, PM me (and the mods, too) and say something. Find a strong part and speak up .. there are plenty of members here who want to help! :in_love: (((safe hugs))

don't forget, my screen name has the underline before it _Sky.

its my understanding that everyone is welcome to post from wherever they are on the healing path regardless of how different they are, and their treatment is and no one NEEDS to post at a level not themselves. like I said in my post above there are precautions available to those that do not wish to read about "different" levels of understanding from where they are presently.

So regardless of if the person is different or not their posts are welcome and fitting and doesn't need to be any different unless the moderators tell them differently.

Speaking for myself - Im different and I post a different way than alot of people here and if my posts are not appropuiate for the boards they would have been removed and I would have been banned.

so lets not focus on how OTHER people need to post differently than they do because this place "needs to be different."

The assistant managers, moderators and Doc John are in control of if posts are appropeate or not and if people need to post differently. Obviously the place does not "need to be different " I'm still here and Im different and Im here to stay unless Doc John and the administrators decide differently. So theres no reason for others that are "different" to worry about how things need to be different here. Just like in real life support groups everyone is at different levels and can post at their level without worrying about presenting themselves as being at levels they are not.

so lets get this thread back on to what shadowdancer meant it to be for

everyone to have a thread where they can admit free of judgement and blame THEIR OWN actions (not pointing out others) and appologise to those they may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt along the way. .

So again I am sorry to all that got hurt because they are not ready for how I post and please take care of yourselves by using the options given by Doc John specifically for this purpose of not being ready of other more advanced posting.

[shadowdancer]

Thank you all for your replies...

Myself, i think _sky was merely saying that DD does need to be conducted 'differently' than the rest of this site because of what i said in one of my other posts...the membership is varied in the other forums...but here it is varied and also varied inside each member... plus we all have rather horrific histories that have brought us where we are today and so have more triggers than do many other members of this site... the main things that need to be different are that we need to be extra careful in what we say and how we say it (not that we should hide our true selves) so that we can be sure not to unnecessarily hurt people who have been given more than their share of pain. i think that's all she meant.

It's not so much 'advanced' posting that is the cause of pain as it is posts that do not take into account how their words may be received by others here.

I'd like to think that all of us here are 'advanced' in healing simply because we're taking active steps to find that healing.

regardless, Myself, you are right on in that the point of this post is to PLEASE use it ONLY to make efforts in reaching out to others by admitting to our own faults and shortcomings.

This is NOT for people to ingest a lot of self-blame... just a place where we can safely say "i'm sorry" and "i still care" without going into any real specifics or anything. It is the concern and caring for the well-being of others as well as understanding attitudes toward others that I am looking for here... not for blame or guilt or condemnations of any sort.

Just good kind caring people taking the time to remember the fact that it is the members who make this forum so special. Each and every single one of the members, no matter what their background or ethnicity, religion or dx... all of us.

(((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))


shadow

[kimmydawn]

Shadow,

What a beautiful, warm post including a pleading straight from the heart. I second it and repeat it almost as I would a prayer.

I would like to add...

The beauty and diversity of potential dx's in this room is a miracle and a testament of survival. The common bonds that bring us together are diverse and many.

I don't think that it should matter what particular point we're at in our individual journeys (pre-dx, no dx, first month in therapy, 40 years in therapy, no therapy), but that we share the same journey...what a fantastic trip it can be! We need to concentrate on the common bonds of survival and existing goals.

Let's please unite in our shared pains, fears, goals, dreams, heartaches, joys, etc.. Let's please be to each other what we dream of when we close our eyes and dream about pure support...non-judging, non-critical, quality of life saving support.

Are we different? Sure! Many of us are drastically different within as well. Let's celebrate that! Being different and creativity saved many of us.

I certainly think that there are some of the most beautiful, creative, caring, understanding, intelligent, giving people in the world right here in this room, and extending out into this site. Whenever I've needed understanding and just knew there was none out there to be found, I actually found it right here. I like to concentrate in what I can relate to with others...not on what I can't. What a gift that can be.

With more sincerity and respect than I can put into words,

KD

[allthegirls6]

I agree, we are all different and thats the real issue. We should be happy that we are all different and unique. Come one everyone, lets make room for anyone who wants to be here. Tall, small, round, square, dd or not dd. We got pleny of room.

Atg

[dottie]

TGC

We're still here to offer support and listen to anyone who needs it. We are all in this together, I think. We all have issues, or subscriptions as a friend lovingly says I have, and we need each other.
I for one am feeling really needy right now. Who better to understand what I am going through than those who have or are themselves...
w_i and all

[Mahali]

Shadowdancer,

This is one of the most well written and thoughtful posts I have ever read. You are an asset to this site. As are many here.

I have not been around much and probably should have been more. So I do not know that I have created hurt from what I have said but may certainly from what I have not said.

To all those I hurt for not replying and not appearing to be supportive I apologize. I care about all here.

Please please pull together and support each other. Too many have been hurt too much.

[Fuzzybear]

This is such a thoughtful post written with true kindness and from the heart, thank you Shadow.
From my cave I can't say much here but I am honestly sorry and apologize to those I have hurt from my pain and mistakes.
I never wanted to hurt anyone..... we have all (including me) been hurt too much.
I care about and respect everyone here.

Sincerely,
Fuzzy

(((((((((shadow))))))))
You are a really special person and very brave, I think.
I don't know if I hurt anyone here, but if I did, I'm sorry. I will try harder to be a better supporter here.
I think everyone here is very special.
Vicki

[shadowdancer]

((((((((((((((((all of you))))))))))))))))

atg, kd and dottie, Yes we are all different and we should celebrate that. I'm certainly glad we're all different because if I had to deal with a site full of people exactly like me then I would probably be bald from pulling my own hair out in frustration!

w_i, i like the thing about have subscriptions instead of issues, lol. i think i have a few myself and i definitely think that we can use our past experiences to the good here...to help us really relate to one another and offer genuine support that comes from someone who says "i have been (or am) there."

Place, thank you for your kind words. I think sometimes that for those of us who have had to be silent for so long that sometimes silence is all we have. you words, when you are able to give them are always appreciated. thank you for your many kindnesses.

Fuzzy, thank you for your heartfelt apology here and for your kind words. i know that there are many instances where you have reacted out of love and understanding and not pain and my wish for you is that time will bring you to a place where you are free from that pain altogether. That is my wish for all of us here.

((((((((((Vicki))))))))))) thank you for what you've said. I am really glad that I've gotten to know you here. Just remember that the 'everyone' that is special here also includes YOU. you and the entire constellation are important and special. remember it.

((((((((((((((((all of you))))))))))))))))))))

and those are hugs for everyone who has replied as well as everyone who is still forumlating a response. take care of yourselves.

with a lot of love,
shadow

[misty]

[dottie]

I agree with you place. This is no place for animosity! Take good care!

I'm sorry I have hurt so many people. I didn't mean to but that is no excuse. I care about each and every one of you but is seems I cause too much pain and that is bad. I'm not in the right place to be anywhere right now. I won't post any more so I can't hurt any of you.
I'm sorry.
The people who really need to hear me say this might not see it and I am sorry for that too. I hope they hear it through someone else.
Caroline

[shadowdancer]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
We are loving at cross-purposes you guys. We are hurting those that we care about and hurting ourselves in the process. Leaving isn't the answer. The answer is in reaching out and pushing away the pain with our love and support.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Caroline, no one is asking you to not post anymore. No one is asking you to leave. This post is here for many reasons but none of those reasons is for any of us to ingest self-blame.

The point is for us to do the apology part since we're all partly responsible for at least one other person's pain usually and then for us to get to the "i care" part. the "i care" part is the important part. that is the part that says that "i'm tired of seeing and experiencing so much pain so let's get this place back to where it was."

you skipped back to the apology part after the "i care" part. this post isn't directed towards you. You haven't caused any more or any less pain than every single one of the rest of us on here. that is because we are human and make mistakes. you don't have a monopoly on offending others or being offended. we all do both.

there is no "right place" to be... except with the people who care about you and want to see only good things happen for you in your life. i know that there are those people here for you that could make this your "right place" you just have to accept what they want to offer you, C.

no one is asking you to apologize for every problem on this site. and besides, apologies weren't the most important reason for this thread.

here's the important part:

I care about what happens to you Caroline and I care about your pain. I want to help in any way that I can because pain that is shared is pain that is halved. remember it.

(((((((((((((Caroline)))))))))))))))


shadow

[wanttoheal]

im sorry if i caused people pain.