[krazy_phoenix]

Hello, was wondering for some feedback/sharing on probably one of our biggest issues in T at the moment.

We have struggled always in acceptance of our reality, but not in the sense that we deny each other within (we have moved beyond over the years of therapy) but in the sense that we deny DID due to its reason for its being. We have been given proof to us now outside of therapy that we exhibit 'clues' to childhood trauma, and through opening to this possibility we have opened pandora's box.

We have no clear memory of abuse at a certain age to date, but we have 'been told' internally confirmation that abuse did happen and who the abuser was. We will NEVER have evidence of this. I'm not even sure we should believe it. We are 'told' things from within without knowing its source all our lives, and we now recognise where most info has come from depending on the memory, but this is different. Anyway, we are all fairly much in denial of this new info.

So my request now is have any of you had memories/knowing/suspicions of past abuse for which there is no proof or real evidence? Most of us want to believe it is made up. What if it is wrong??? I will never be able to share this information with my family, my parents, because what if I'm accusing an innocent person of horrific crimes? I want to tell my parents about all of us, but how do I explain to them why we are the way we are?

Similar to a recent thread I read here, I too have asked and prayed for years for my past to be revealed, taht I want to know. And I do, but I want more info, and what if this is all I get?? Do I accept this, work on it in therapy and move on from what may or may not be true? Or do I ignore it, and hear the words running round my head forever (its been going on for about 3 months now).

I'm sorry, I'm just confused. So much is happening inside I can't quite keep up at the moment. I need a holiday from myself!

Thank you for listening.
kp

[jwabf]

KP, I am sorry you are dealing with so much internal "noise" and confusion. It can seem overwhelming. I am lucky to have clear memories of two abusers but the pieces that haunt me are the ones that are just fragments, intuition, a few sensory "flashback?" pieces. And I too will never be able to confirm what part of me wants me to admit happened actually happened. So I fight myself, I fight my therapist, but slowly I have found myself writing in my journal as if I am admitting it. And my gut feeling is that I am right. But I will never know. So I try, really, really hard to give myself permission to write and think whatever comes up and then I share it with my therapist on the repeated assumption that I am not telling her it happened I am just sharing the thoughts etc that have surfaced.

One way I have found that helps me get internal permission to even consider it is to write as if it is a story about someone else. I write "fairy" stories, Once upon a time stories. They can have ogres and castles and monsters. After I write them and read them in therapy my T asks me how I feel about the little girl in the story and then I consider what I can do to help "rescue" the part of me that relates to the character in the story. Taking that step back from reality into a story helps me be less judgemental of my fears about telling lies or making things up.

This may not help you at all, but I thought I would share. I can put my Ogre story up on my blog for you to read if you want. Let me know if that would be any help.

[Hunny]

K Phoenix, good work. jwabf, I find sand play works pretty well too. What good work you are doing!

[wanttoheal]

There have been some memories I've had that have had proof/evidence and some that have not. For me, I'm not sure it matters anymore about the proof. That may be because I had proof of some things and it made me realize that I could trust my memories as they come.

The thing is, that even if not all my memories can be proved, they still affect me. Even if I read a situation wrong, it still affected me in a negative way.

Were the people that you are considering talking about it with involved in the abuse? For me, any family member I would consider talking to was involved, so I am not able to talk to them about it. They don't actually know I am in therapy as that would make my life less safe...

I'm sorry you are struggling. I hope you will find peace and answers soon.

[Pink }i[]

I think, well from my experience that sometimes I find out something has happened, but it is not my memory has such but the memory of the one who went thru the experience. So it is almost like hearing about something that happened to someone else. I have found that the one who experienced the memory is the one that needs to talk in therapy. Sometimes I do talk to our T about it the next week, after I have listened to the session. ( I record all my sessions on an mp3 player). Maybe you could let the person inside know that holds the memory that it is ok for them to talk to your therapist.

[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you jwabf for your reply and welcome to PC.

I directly relate to what you have said...

Originally Posted by jwabf

..the pieces that haunt me are the ones that are just fragments, intuition, a few sensory "flashback?" pieces. And I too will never be able to confirm what part of me wants me to admit happened actually happened. So I fight myself, I fight my therapist, but slowly I have found myself writing in my journal as if I am admitting it. And my gut feeling is that I am right. But I will never know. So I try, really, really hard to give myself permission to write and think whatever comes up and then I share it with my therapist on the repeated assumption that I am not telling her it happened I am just sharing the thoughts etc that have surfaced. ...

...
This may not help you at all, but I thought I would share. I can put my Ogre story up on my blog for you to read if you want. Let me know if that would be any help.

I would love to read your Ogre story...if you ok to blog it that would be great, or perhaps you could PM it to me? whatever you feel comfortable doing. Thank you so much again...
kp

[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you wanttoheal, this is something that I needed to hear...

Originally Posted by wanttoheal

...The thing is, that even if not all my memories can be proved, they still affect me. Even if I read a situation wrong, it still affected me in a negative way.

that even tho I don't have proof, what i 'think' happened is still affecting me so then yes, i do need to work through it.

Originally Posted by wanttoheal

Were the people that you are considering talking about it with involved in the abuse? For me, any family member I would consider talking to was involved, so I am not able to talk to them about it.

No, my direct family members were not involved as such. There is part of me that thinks they already know, have been denying it to themselves that this could have anything to do with what they see as wrong with me now as an adult.
My mother has a severe case of Ostrich Syndrome!

Thank you for sharing and caring wanttoheal,
hope this finds you well,
kp

[jwabf]

I have posted the story on my blog. Just be aware that, if you look around on the blog, other things could be very triggering.

http://fromhurttohealing.wordpress.c...y-about-abuse/

[wanttoheal]

Originally Posted by krazy_phoenix

Thank you wanttoheal, this is something that I needed to hear...


that even tho I don't have proof, what i 'think' happened is still affecting me so then yes, i do need to work through it.


No, my direct family members were not involved as such. There is part of me that thinks they already know, have been denying it to themselves that this could have anything to do with what they see as wrong with me now as an adult.
My mother has a severe case of Ostrich Syndrome!

Thank you for sharing and caring wanttoheal,
hope this finds you well,
kp

I'm relieved to hear that the ones you are thinking of opening up to are not the abusers from your past. I'm sorry your mother is not able to deal with things. That must make it so hard. Perhaps she is in denial because if she accepted what is and what happened, she would have to deal with other things she is not able to.

I often wonder if family members know something is off here. According to daughter, they call me by different names sometimes, but I don't think they know what DID (or any other mental illness) is. They just think I'm different (weird to them).

I do think we have to work through memories and thoughts so that we can file them away and move on through our life.

[Elysium]

Sometimes I wish I could have concrete proof. We have memories of some of the abuse, but not all. We only have two memories of the major SA, and some other stuff that T says was grooming, but that should be enough....right?

For some reason it's not enough for me because internally we get the "sense" and "knowing" that there is more that took place, on a deeper level and when we ask inside if something more happened, it just get's quiet and whispers echo from within but we can't hear what they're saying.

What really bothers us is that we do not hear a resounding "NO!!" "No, that did not happen." That's what we want to hear....or even a "Yes". Why can't we just get an answer instead of echoing whispers?

I know it doesn't matter at this point if I get an answer, in the grand scheme of things, but it still matters to me. All I have is the proof that the other abuse took place, but is that enough to say, if that happened then it's probable that more happened too? Inside I hear "Yes".

Sometimes asking inside is painful.

[Omers]

I have some memories of abuse, mostly by my uncle who was physically abusive. I have internal reasons to strongly believe that there was CSA too with one of my mothers boyfriends and "less severe" SA with other boyfriends that I clearly remember....

Over holiday dinner one yer just before his son was born my uncle started bragging (yes, bragging) about what he did to me as a kid. Most of the family just sat there and stared at him, one person tried to change the subject... The clencher was that my grandmother got into a BIG ole fight with him telling HIM he never did any of it!!!!! He admitted to FAR more than I had remembered and validated the memories I had.

Then there was moms BF... in looking into things there I found that he did abuse his daughter and lost his teaching job for abusing students. I didn't know that when I had the feeling 'something' happened.

Be patient with yourself and trust yourself. One of the things I discovered as I worked was that because I wasn't accusing anyone outright or pressing charges it didn't matter. What mattered was my experience, how it impacted me today and honoring myself.

[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you so much for you answers; I can tell you how much they have meant to me. Your honesty and openness has reminded me once again what a wonderful place this is with caring and supportive people who are 'different just like us'.

Thank you so much for sharing, it has touched my heart.

kp

[anderson]

( ( ( KP ) ) )
In all my years of recovery, It has been the times that I had to prove what happen to me that where the hardest. Needless to say when there is no physcal proof and no one willing to back you that many mential health and others in my life made my/our life )(&*^^.
it was when I/we accepted the fact that if we were to heal then we had to accept pur inner truth then let go of people that we had conected to our pain. It was eiser to treat them like they were dead and no longer a part of my life.
Then try to prove what happened so long ago that all evedence was gone. It was accepting my truth that has allowed us to heal and grow as a working unit.
Like the others i have used story lines to bring it out. Even art therapy has worked to allow the one that is telling her/his story the safety of telling and not being reinjured.
Sending safe thoughts and hopes,
Anika and Sasha, SDIT (future super dog)