Trying to Remember What I Did/Doing

I'm having trouble distinguishing between what I am doing, what I did, if I even did do it. Specifically, I took my meds last night and thought that I had already taken then and began to panic. Then I searched my memory and thought that I had taken "a bunch of them". Luckily I didn't. One of the alters isn't feeling very safe right now and has bad thoughts.

Does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do about making sure I only take what I'm supposed to? And what I can do to "help" the alter that is feeling "not so safe/self harm"? I think she might want to post but am a little leary to let her do so. It feels like opening up pandora's box.

I'm sad, having quite a hard time, talked to pdoc and going to change medication, again. I get to see T tomorrow so that is good. Maybe he can help. I just don't know what else to do to climb out of this really really deep hole.
Anne

Sorry about you feeling so bad! I would suggest that you write it down when you take your meds. Then you'll know if you've taken them or not.

((((((((iamanne))))))))

I was taking benedryl for sleep and would forget when the last dose I too and how much and so on so now I keep a sort of medication log. I write down the medication time, date and how much I took. This way when I wake up at night All I have to do is look at the medication log to see if and how much I took before going to bed. I don't have to worry about taking it while in memory pieces because as a child I was never given any thing for allergies, in fact I wasn't allergy tested until I was 16 and the only alergy meds on the market without a prescription was calmine lotion which of course is not used for airborn allergies. Let alone I had never heard of medication logs until I was an adult and no longer being abused and DHS was doing it to keep all my sons medications straight so none of my memory pieces contained information about writing on a medication log while being abused. Since taking benedyl during an abuse situation and keeping medication logs during an abuse situation is not a part of my memory piece content I can't take it and keep the log while experiencing a memory piece so I know what is wrote on on my medication log is correct. By keeping a log I don't have to worry anymore about being confused when waking up or coming out of a memory. I just look at the log and a clock if at least 3-4 hours has gone by I know its ok to take some more.

As for what to do to make the memory pieces feel safe - From reading my blog you know what my experiences are - my memory pieces are situations of abuse that got separated and stored in my unconscious level. Memorys are stored forever and I can't change the memory content of something that is already done and past.

For example I can't load dishes into a dishwasher and then later remember that situation as my doing the dishes by hand.

Action - I just loaded the dishwasher, added the soap and a bit of bleach because yesterday I noticed that it was draining slowly. I shut the dish washer and turned it on. then came in to the office and logged on my computer.

Stored memory - the same as action. Nothing more nothing less. The situation of loading the dishwasher is done and over so its now considered the past and is stored as is. It is unchangeable because I can not go back to the original situation before it was done and stored as a memory and do it the first time again.

Since the memory is already stored I can't make that memory change into I put water in the sink and added dish soap and spent 15 minutes to half hour doing the dishes by hand.

The memory content is what it is and there is no changing that because the situaation is all done.

The same concept for memory pieces - the memory has been stored as is during that original situation and the situation is done and over with. It is what it is and will remain as it was stored as the situation happened. Its always going to be whatever that content is because you can not travel back in time to the point before the situation was done and do it again the first time. Unfortunately we do not have the "back to the future with Michael J Fox" technology.

So your memory piece is - the feeling of not being safe/self harm otherwise it would not be there.

it's always going to be that because the original situation was that - you at some point were feeling unsafe and either thought about or used self harm and there is no changing what has already happened and past.

Since there is no going back in time and doing that original situation for the first time, so that the memory can be stored without feeling unsafe and without self harm we have to go on what we know today.

Something in the present time is matching with the past situation so that you are experiencing the piece of memory of feeling unsafe/self harm and that memory piece keeps replaying - look around you in your life today and see what is possibly triggering (upsetting you) to the point where you are dissocaiting and that memory content is replaying.

Take care of the trigger and that memory content stops replaying and you will feel safer.

Taking care of the trigger means noticing what is making you feel uncomfortable now and change that. changing it could mean telling someone to back off, take a walk wrap up in a blanket for warmth, take a bath, read a different book, call your therapist, change your clothes.... any number of things depending on what is making you in the present feel uncomfortable and what you need to feel better.

Dear iamanne,

As far as the meds go - You could try making yourself a little chart and sticking it on the fridge door. And then tick it off when you have taken that dose.

Or you can get a little pill box and only put in the correct amount for that day. There are pill boxes you can get with special compartments, if you have to split the doses up.

About the 'self harm' there is a really useful list of coping strats in the 'self injury forum', I think it's called - 'Things to do instead of hurting yourself.' It is very helpful.

Thinking of you, sending a safe hug >>>>>>>>>>

(((((((((((((((((((( iamanne ))))))))))))))))

Ninni and Pegasus,

Thank you for the helpful suggestions. I did pick up a pill box and sorted out the meds. My pdoc also changed my meds today to try something different. I'm looking forward to the day when I don't need them. Someday, I hope to be integrated

Thank you so much for the safe hugs and caring thoughts. Sometimes I don't think I would make it if it weren't for people like you who care and aren't afraid to show it. Thank you all.

Anne

Myself,

I read your post several times and I just don't understand. I don't think it's you - it's me and all the confusion I'm feeling lately. It's been hard for me to process things and have them make sense.

I'm confused about how my memories of current/short term memories are colliding and mingling and confusing me. Is that from a trigger and I'm just not seeing it as that or something else? Sorry, I just don't get it.

ok lets do another scenero -

I was raped by an abuser lets say he had purple hair and lets say it happened 5 years ago.

I walk into my local store today and down the isle I see a man with purple hair. This reminds me of the time 5 years ago when I was raped.

The first thing that happens is I stand still and get a feeling of being afraid - that its my abuser and so on.

That rape happened 5 years ago but yet here I am in the present feeling like I did back then - afraid.

I am now experiencing a piece of a memory - the memory of being afraid 5 years ago.

The only difference with DID is that the memory piece is stored separately in the unconscious level so the person doesn't know the complete whole memory content so the person acts out the memory)

Whatever is here in the present making me feel afraid is called a trigger.

Why am I afraid? Something today (seeing a man with purple hair) reminded me of what happened 5 years ago.

What triggered me to feel what I felt 5 years ago? ....Seeing a man with purple hair today.

The memory of the rape 5 years ago is not going to change because I cannot go back in time to right before I was raped and have something different happen.

The feeling in that memory is fear. Im always going to know that I was raped and how afraid I was during the situation Theres no way to hit delete or cut out the feeling of fear in that memory content its going to be that way forever because that is what happened 5 years ago.

I was raped and nothing is going to change or take that away. Its done and over with.

That does not mean I have to stay stuck feeling that fear that is in the memory.

now that I know what the trigger is - man with purple hair down the isle in the store - I can take care of how I feel today in the present when the memory of that rape starts replaying --

I can - walk past the guy in the store to prove to myself he is not my rapist from 5 years ago.

I can say to myself "I am ok that was a memory of the rape that happened 5 years ago and this guy today is not my rapist".

I can turn around and go down another isle so I dont have to be in the same area that the man in the purple hair is in.

I can leave the store and go home.

I can go home and take a bath/shower.

I can go home and wrap up in a blanket

I can find something to write on and write a journal entry

I can listen to my walkman that has relaxing music on.

I can draw a picture of what happened 5 years ago

I can call a friend on the phone.

I can go visit a friend.

I can call my therapist.

All of these things are going to comfort and make me feel safer and not want to cut myself.

Once I am comfortable and feeling safe the memory of the rape that happened 5 years ago stops replaying in my mind.

Now your situation. You know that in a memory piece you feel unsafe and self harm thoughts keep repeating.

There is nothing you can do about that memory content that feeling and self harm thoughts replaying can't be changed

BUT

you can find what the trigger is. Look around you and see what things, people places animals and so on that is near you right now that makes you feel uncomfortable,

Then do something to take care of it by doing something that will make YOU feel comfortable and safe now.

this helps because when you feel safe today the memories of the past (feeling unsafe and self harm) will stop repeating.

Wow I can imagine how frightening, upsetting, uncontrollable all that feels. With regards to medicines, many here have trouble like that and have given good ways they cope.

I think the best is to have a daily check off or time check off, so when some aspect of you does take meds, it's checked off and any other aspect knows to look at that paper. It isn't foolproof, but it might help you begin to communicate better within yourself?

Allowing all of your selves to post in this forum might feel like opening a pandora's box...but I'm a firm believer that a person's individual system doesn't really allow for things it isn't ready for.. you know?

Plus, there's nothing that you or another aspect of you can post that your system doesn't already -inside- know or deal with. It can feel scarey in that, maybe you aren't sure you want to know, yet?

So whatever decision you make on this, it will be the right one, imo. Ok? TC

(((((((((((((((((anne and all)))))))))))))))))))

I know it's difficult. I'm glad you got the pill box. excellent call and suggestion.

As far as helping this other to feel safe, I try to get my hands busy on something that can calm and attract "all of me" (i.e. paint by number, puzzle, etc.) It majorly helps with stabalization for the moment. The wonderful feeling usually stays with me as well.

Integration is possible and more wonderful than I can put into words. I hesitate saying that because not everyone is for integration, which I respect. However, it seems your goal so I will discuss it here.

I wasn't even looking for integration, I couldn't understand the concept even. I simply could not comprehend, then WOW. I just happened. Inside is so much more content. I looked inside and noticed the change and the peace, contentment, knowledge and order AND there's NO loss...NONE. Everyone is still there, just in the same room, sharing and knowing everything so much so that they're now one. Imagine a box full of crayons...basic colors of red, yellow, black, green, blue and white. Melting and blending those do not take away the colors. They're just combined to make a different hue. The basic colors aren't gone at all. They can been seen in the new beautiful color which would not be without the base colors which were blended.

I know without a doubt, for the first time in my life, that we are going to make it. Will I ever be one? I doubt it, but what has taken place is more than wonderful. The journey is hard, sweetie, and we didn't ask for it. But we WILL make it...we already have.

PM anytime you'd like.

KD

I think that finally makes sense. What I am experiencing is past memories that feel like they're happening now. That's the part that's tough. They feel so "real" and my T struggles with explaining it as well but you did really good job.

I think the next step is to get my emotional side to connect to the intellectual side. Each memory piece believes it's the here and now . . . .

You had some great ideas for "trigger work". I am going to try them. Thank you.

Ugh! This is tough stuff, but I've survived all of those years of abuse and I know, albiet with a little help from people like you, I can do this.

Anne

Sky said:

"Allowing all of your selves to post in this forum might feel like opening a pandora's box...but I'm a firm believer that a person's individual system doesn't really allow for things it isn't ready for.. you know?"

Anne, I've found this to be so true. Sky really has a wonderful understanding.

KD

Kitty,

I agree. I have heard that before from my T and never really understood. I just nod my head and say "okay, J" He knows I'm just agreeing because I don't have the ability to understand at the time - then he laughs. And I feel better and know that we'll just keep working at it.

Thank you for the brave post and sharing your experience of integration not only with me but with all who read this thread. It sounds like a beautiful meadow with soft blowing breeze tickling all of the wild flowers whose scents live in harmony with each other.

Anne

oh, i like that too. the scent of the flowers combined is one to the sense of smell. nice. i think you have more of an idea about it than i did.

I wanted to add, I didn't choose partial integration...inside must have.

you're gonna be alright...all of you.

kd

Thank you, Sky!

I love the giant hug! Your insight is well stated and I am learning that my system does know what it is doing and to stop fighting it. It's a long haul but I know it's a road that is time to take. Thank you for your continued support. There is so much of this I am trying to understand.

Anne

(((((((((iamanne))))))))))

exactly. when the memory pieces are replaying its like being stuck in that moment.

in memories there is no time concept of past and future. there is just the present - memories are what "is" happening at that moment when that memory was stored in the brain. Nothing more and nothing less because there is no past and future in a memory - the memory is what it is at the time it is stored separated in pieces or as a whole memory.

I didn't understand that concept either until I read about it in Nancy J Napiers book called Recreating Yourself. Then what I was gonig through made so much sense. it is stored as is in the moment of it happening. No matter how much time goes by and no matter what I do that memory I keep experiencing is going to remain the same as it was when the situation really happened.

Once I made that connection and started retraining myself to instead of trying to focus on the impossible -changing a memory of an event that is done and over with and focus on what I needed to do when that memory replayed - locate the trigger and take care of that trigger reaction things started falling into place for me.

Yes it is tough working with and on triggers but like you said you survived the actual situations you can and will survive the taking care of the healing part.

To use a part of a friends email statement to me -

"They don't call us survivors for nothing"

"THEY DIDN'T CALL US SURVIVORS FOR NOTHING!"

My new mantra thank you so much, Myself. Your insight and ability to share are truly great gifts. Thank you,

Anne

LOL Exactly my thoughts when I recieved that in an email a couple months ago.

I am sorry about you not feeling well... I am having some of the same issues. I take insulin, that is so dangerous when I double dose myself. I have made a daily log... I have to check things off when I do them..
Lilith

Thank you, Lilith
I took some suggestions and am using a pill box with the meds in them, that way I know if I took them or not. You're right, it is a scary feeling.
Anne

(((((((((( Anne & all ))))))))

I just want to tell you that you are doing a wonderful job under very trying circumstances. The pill box is a great thing to do and so is writing down when you take them.

Hugs,

Jan

I use a pill box too, Anne. In fact I have two - one for morning meds and one for the evening ones. It's helped me no end. I fill it up for the week on Sundays.

Also, you can get clocks that have different timers on them so the clock, or watch, will go off to remind you to take meds at different times. It's a very good help.

Hugs,

Jan