Memory

I am frustrated and sad, on how the dissociative processes is making my life disappear. Conversations, feelngs, places, and even people. I am so scared of disappearing completely and not remembering. I am writing names and phone numbers down and putting them in my pocket, just in case, in case of what, I don't know? I pulled one out the other day and did not who it was, and called it, it was my Psychiatrists number and I have been seeing him for over a year. After session I have forgotten where I live, and started to drive around for about 20 minutes before I remember I am driving to a place I moved from over a year ago, people ask me my phone number or address, and I go blank and have to find it on something hopefully in my purse. People I work with on a daily basis, I forget their names completely and it's so embarrasing. My head hurts...I am scared one day I am going to just disapear and not remember anyone..there have been times I do not even know my therapist when I see him..he is like a stranger..and someone inside has to remind me who it is..Does anyone else share these fears and events..glimpses of "who are you and why am I talking to you"..or "Who is that talking, it's not me".."Where am I going and why"..its so scary to think I am fading away to ?

Oh gosh, I could have written this! ((((((((((((evangelista))))))))

I totally share these fears and events. I constantly put and find little post-it notes in my pocket with numbers, words, etc. There have been times I have gone to t and felt like I have never been there before and don't know who she is even though I have been going there for a while.

I have also called people I know the names from people in the past or just some seemingly random name and no idea why. They don't remind me of the others that I know of, their names are not even close to the other names and they don't know each other. It's frustrating because I think they must think I don't even care enough to remember their name and it's confusing so often.

I think because the info is in there, we won't totally fade? Perhaps we are just changing as parts become more aware of today as opposed to past memory? I don't know. I don't really have answers but I wanted to just let you know I so understand your fears. Please take care.

Evangelista

Soooo know what you are talking about. One of my biggest fears is that I (whoever that one is) will be lost in this whole process. You're not alone and my T reassures me that "I" won't disappear because they are all me. Kind of confusing but I just say "mmhh" and he knows that I hear him, but don't understand. And he just says, "It's okay. It is what it is."

Safe hugs,

Anne

((((((((((((Evangelista)))))))))))))) this is a normal part of DID. Hang in there. You are not going to fade into non existance and so on and this can be fixed.

its called dissociative fugue. what makes it happen is that remembering the forgotten thing is so filled with anxiety, fear and so on that the brain stored the memory of that in the unconscious level so that the person can still continue to function with their daily life.

When my son was put into foster care to wait for a residential treatment program opening because he was very violent towards me and the family cat I knew there was a possibility of his never living at home again.

I couldnt handle that so my brain took everything about my son and tucked it away in my unconscious. for about 6 months of my life I had no idea that I had a son.

There were pictures on the wall of a child I didn't remember, his toys in his room and so on. When people asked me about him I would ask who? I learned to just agree with what ever they were saying because of their shocked reactions when I asked who made me feel like I was crazy.

Finally I called a friend and flat out asked her if I had a child because people here kept talking like I did and I was getting tired of bluffing my way through their questions.

She went to her DID specialist and came back telling me it was dissociative fugue. The two of us spent many emails and phone calls talking about my son and the trigger - his being in residential instead of home during the holidays and I also had to look at pictures and so on of my son. slowly the memorys of him came back.

now I look at pictures of him, watch the sonogram of him, listen to the voice recordings of him we made every year on his birthday. I do this every day just so I don't experience dissociative fugue about my son again.

Once you locate the trigger (event or reason) for why you are dissociating the people in your life and take steps to stop the trigger from causing anxiety and fear the dissociative fuges will stop.

No you will not fade into non existance. Alters (memory pieces are only acted out while the person is feeling triggered. Once the person feels comfortable again the acting out of memory pieces stop. find your triggers and use your coping tools of grounding and so on and you will be able to stay more aware.

Evangelista,

I know it is very disconcerting.

I write phone numbers down and keep them in my pocket, especially when I am going out.
I think that one is quite a good idea actually.

Then I know someone would be able to contact someone for me if I got confused.

I also have many problems like you describe. Do you know I have been with my therapist for 4 years and I still can't remember his phone number!

I think that is because, when I need to contact him I am in a child-state and so I can't remember things that well.

I am getting better at being aware of what is going on, therapy has really helped me. Things do get better.

Safe hugs.

Thank you all..for the help..I felt really bad and guilty, like maybe somehow I was suppose to be able to stop it..only the harder I try to remember the worse it gets..but now that I know others deal with this too..I will try and accept it for what it is..even though it makes me cry at times, because I don't want to be confused, and afraid that I am disappearing..kind regards to all for their sharing and support

<font color="#000088"> I understand completely how you feel. I feel that a big part of the time. Especially when the stress is to the point of almost being unbareable. Remember to take gentle care of yourself and to give yourself time to get through the rough times. Don't press to hard. Safe hugs.</font>

Evangelista! I know exactly where you are coming from. There are days I just cannot remember simple things and it drives me crazy. I even get like that with my meds, trying to remember if I took them 10 minutes ago. I feel for you. Just know you are not alone.
HUGS
Cher